I play this twisted game when I start to question why people talk to me. I call it “Are you paying attention”. Usually it’s not in person.

I’ll send a Snapchat that if you actually looked at it you would notice my glossy eyes and my red nose from crying.

But you won’t notice

I’ll smile when you tell a joke or I’ll nod in a agreement but you don’t watch my smile fade when I look away.

But you won’t notice

I’ll ask you if you’re ok to see if you ask me back. If you do respond you’ll believe me when I say I’m ok.

But you won’t notice

I’ll stay quiet and not as happy as I like to think I am. Hoping you notice and ask what’s wrong.

But you won’t notice

I want to think that you understand me. That you get me. I want to believe you listen when I’m upset. I want you to care. But when you don’t notice I know you don’t.

It’s a twisted game because you tell me you do care. And sometimes you show me you notice. Or when I’m crying you’re there for me. But if I don’t tell you something is wrong

You won’t notice

I don’t want you to tell me that I’m awesome
I don’t want you to tell me that I can do this
I don’t want you to tell me that I’m not fat
I don’t want you to tell me that I’m beautiful
I don’t want you to tell me I want ydon’t want you to tell me any of that

I want you to tell me you are here for me. That you won’t ever leave me. That you want to here what’s going on and you’ll stay until I can figure out what is going on. Tell me it is going to be ok and you will stay with me until it gets better.

“He’s better off without you.”
I hear it in my sleep.
It’s true, he is, I know it's so,
And that cuts way too deep.

“His smile is brighter now.”
The smile that I yearn for.
Now I know I’ll never see it
The thing that my heart burns for.

“It was never going to work.”
The truth slaps me in the face
And I want to run to you
But this is not a race.

“Move on, he’s over you.”
I want to, I really do.
But if one day you change your mind,
I’ll be waiting here for you.

I've been feeling out of breath lately.
My lungs don't inflate properly anymore.
Waking up is the most taxing task that I have to accomplish on a daily basis.
I've been sleeping in,
And even after I wake up I stay in bed for hours.
It feels like the weight of the world
is crushing my chest.
Like an anvil is being dropped on my shoulders a hundred times a day.
I feel like Giles Corey;
Crushed by the weight of falling rocks.
Rocks that look like people I know.
Rocks that feel like sorrow and death and tears.
Being pressed to death by demons that accuse me of wrongness,
by demons who surround my head with dark thoughts;
by demons who claw at my throat,
tell me to do bad things.
I'm constantly running from the black mist in my mind.
Trying not to be swallowed by it.
But I can feel these shadows on my back,
and what lurks in this darkness nipping at my ankles.
And the more I run,
the more out of breath I feel.
And when I turn to give in to the shadows,
I have no more breath.
I can't inhale, because I've been crushed.
I suffocate; I can feel my soul dying a little,
Piece by piece, it crumbles until I am nothing.
I am out of breath now.

An empty, endless space
that is all I imagine is inside
I stand before my reflection
and face the enemy that resides within
a darkness that consumes
and tortures every waking second
each day it chips away more
soon there will be nothing left of me

I wonder how this happened
and what led me to this dark place
I seek answers that cannot be found
I wonder aimlessly in search of resolve
now I have to face the truth in this mirror
a shell of my former self stares back
a face cold and tried
and a heart too ****** to love

I lost myself to sad thoughts long ago
my fate seems to be set in stone
after being consumed by darkness for so long
how will I ever see the light again?
Part of me wants to fight this
a stronger part of me longs to surrender
I just do not have the strength
I resign myself to a life in the darkness

I turn away from my reflection
bid farewell to the face I no longer recognize
She is me, I am her
but we will not be meeting again
I push the darkness back down
ensure that only I know it is there
buried deep in my centre
festering, but never to be revealed

I still love you

I won’t ever stop
You’re amazing
Wish we never finished
Called it quits
You were my mop
Supposedly “cleaned” me up
But really just diluted the mess
I appreciate it
Now it accumulates

I’m going crazy

I won’t ever be loved the same
Blackness
Graveyard
Blackness

as i drink the sadness
of the stars
gulp it down
to the lees
i wonder
what's a greater agony
going to bed with the crushing
burden of your own existence
or
the deafening echo of the universe
saying that you don't matter