What was the last thing we did
together?
as a family?

I genuinely can't remember
and it breaks my heart
like our broken family.

Was it baseball on the television
sitting together in the living room?
Was it dinner at the table - no
it's been years since we've done that.


Come to think about it,
maybe TV dinners were the wedge.

Dad traveled for work
every week we'd see him 2 days.
Mom got her masters
and ran the house, working full-time.
I... I was too lost in the tidal wave of high school
too blind to see what was happening. Until-

Freshman year of college I felt it. Without me
there was nothing to reconcile mom
as she fell out of love and into independence.
Plus dad was out of work and at home, of course
that only caused the boiling *** to overflow. Now-

Dad's all alone
         and
Mom took the cat
         and
I'm living 9 hours away from both

the house goes on the market in January
but mom moves out in December
and in January I need to apartment sit the cat
while mom travels for work

I feel low and blue
Without you
You would tuck me in
And kiss me goodnight
But why do you always have to fight
And always be right
Like the monster under my bed
And I remember when you said
I miss you
But I told you that it wasn’t true
And now I think that maybe
I miss you too

The car flips.

Over the railing--
Down the side of a grassy hill with hidden rocks.
I let go.
Arms up like roller-coaster fun.

Glass flies through the air;
It's perfect.
The light reflecting angelically.

7 year old sister still laughing--
Baby brother with a gap toothed smile.
Mother soars through the windshield;
Finally free.
Dad hits his head against the dashboard, and seems not to mind.
Our family blood mixes together;
Staining everything it touches.

The radio sings the latest haunting pop song.
We bicker over what station to change it to.

The car stays rolling, and with arms up.
Like good ole' fashioned family fun.

One foot
Two foot
One foot back

Walking down the isle for the wrong occasion
Take my place in line in the precession

Until now you were holding it together
I'm next in line-- eyes lock on eachother
Face to face and I can mutter
is "I'm sorry about your father".

Break down in front of the alter
Time is still as we cling to one another
The same church we grew up in together
Familiar yet strange to remember




When the world's to big for you
split it down the middle
We can bear this load
Together we'll see it through

Hi Dad,
              I don’t know if you can read Facebook posts in heaven. I hope you can. Or can feel this on a spiritual level or something like that. It’s your birthday tomorrow. You are or would be 60. I’m not sure how it works once you’ve passed on. I love you. I know I didn’t say it enough. But I love you so much. And I miss you. Happy birthday. I want to call and leave a voicemail singing to you. Or you pick up and I sing to you. I hope you’re eating something awesome in heaven to celebrate. Like our favorite linguini with clam sauce, or some spicy wings or a juicy cheeseburger, perhaps some authentic Chicago Giordano’s deep dish pizza. I miss you a lot. I miss your dad jokes. I miss when I was little and you would comfort me. I miss when I was sick at school and you would come pick me up and we would walk somewhere and get really good snacks and Twix ice cream bars and go to the park because I wasn’t really sick....I just knew you were off and I wanted to spend time with you. I took everything for granted and I’m so sorry. Happy birthday. If you knew my father you know he was the funniest man in the whole room and his laugh, just like mine, was so contagious. His smile, it lit a place up. I hope you are proud of me. I am trying really hard to be better than I have been. I hope you visit me in my dreams. I hope you’re celebrating. I just hope you don’t feel pain. I love you. Happy birthday dad.

                                            -“Face”

“Take care of yourself first.”
That’s what we told my mama
When my daddy had his strokes.
Seven long years by his side,
Caring for his body, paralyzed.
Fearing for her health we said:
“You can’t take care of daddy
Till you care for yourself first.”
That’s what we told my mama,
Until my daddy died in 1985.

“Take care of yourself first.”
That’s what I told my wife
When her mom’s simple operation
Became a septic laceration.
As she tirelessly cared for mom
I feared for her well-being.
“You can’t take care of mom
Till you care for yourself first.”
That’s what I told my wife,
Until her mom passed on in 2011.

“Take care of yourself first.”
That’s what my wife told me
As my mama slowly wasted away,
Physically, mentally, emotionally.
And we willingly provided the
Loving care that she deserved.
“You can’t take care of mama
Till you care for yourself first.”
That’s what my wife told me,
Until my mama left the scene in 2015.

Take care of yourself first
When you experience the worst,
For if you fall apart, for certain
You’ll be someone else’s burden.

I feel a sharp pain in my chest;
A numb pain.
I gasp for air that seems to not be there.
I let out a scream,
But I cannot hear a thing.
My vision gets blurry.
I cannot think.
Silence. Cold. Numbness.
Has the pain disappeared?
Has the world stopped?

Papa,
Are you there?
Can you hear my voice?
Can you feel my pain?
Do you see my tears late at night
As I reminisce our times together?

Papa,
Please tell me why.
Why did you have to leave me?
Why am I not able to feel anymore?
Why is the world still spinning?
Am I the only one whose heart is chained?

Papa,
How I wish you were still here
To answer all my questions,
To guide me through this labyrinth that is life.
Two summers ago,
you went back home.
You are now at peace but
I would give the world to have more time with you
An hour, a minute, or even a second.
Just enough time for a hug, a kiss,
an ultimate “je t’aime” and a last “bonne nuit”.

Papa,
You were my first and eternal love.
My teacher, mentor and kindest critic.
You have always been my guardian angel.
From you, I learned to walk, swim and dance
But the greatest lesson you ever taught me
Was to forgive others and believe in myself.
You held my hand as I took my first steps,
Taught me to use my brain instead of my fists.
Your intelligence, faith and dedication
Were often the source of my admiration.
You dimmed me “Queen of my heart”,
And no one shall ever take that title away from me.
My conviction and passion,
My two most prized qualities,
Are nothing but a reflection
Of your great education.

Papa,
Although my heart aches,
my mind is at ease
knowing that you are finally free.
A few months from now,
I will be starting a new chapter of my life.
One that terrifies me,
But I know you are by my side.
I hope that when you look down upon me,
All you feel is pride.
I cannot deny the pain I feel
But the joy of your memory is far greater.
I have found myself doubting my faith lately,
But for the sake of potentially seeing you again ,
I am willing to believe.

Silent, black, a starless night
“Son, there is something wrong with your dad!”
I’ve never jumped up from
a deep sleep so fast
running into my parents’ room,
I leap onto the bed
Dad’s body shaking,
Mouth foaming,
His eyes like glass
His eyes pleading for help
His eyes begging for comfort
His eyes  
Silent, black, a starless night
Burned into my brain forever

When it came to my existence, you and Mom were my creators.
But Mom died in March of 2013 and you died four months later.
When you died, you joined Mom in Heaven.
You were brought into this world 72 years ago today in 1947.
But I'm sorry to have to say that you and Mom aren't with us anymore.
I didn't want to believe it when the doctor said that you were done for.
I remember thinking that now I have no parents on the night when you died.
You were born 72 years ago today but your life ended in 2013 on the 13th of July.