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Jay Feb 2020
There is this anger within me
you left me
I needed you the most
and you just gave up
you were on the floor
you didn't cry for help when you collapsed
why didn't you yell?
we could've saved you
you just laid there
and let it happen
you left me
I scream your name at night
I don't even know I do it
I am scaring people
I need you
you left me
you left me for what?
you don't believe in a heaven or a hell
you left me for nothing
you were supposed to be there for me
you were supposed to take care of me
you were supposed to walk me down the aisle
because my real dad is in and out of prison
abusing every girl he sleeps with
injecting every shot he is presented with
you were supposed to be my safe haven
you left me
you died
My father figure who is also my best friend died in early November. I am getting worse. I don't know how to deal with death. I think grieving the dead is stupid. the dead is dead and that is it. yet I have nightmares of him... I miss him
Jay Feb 2020
This is just a confession
no metaphors
no hidden meanings
just a confession
i was in the 8th grade
i was at a very low low
but not my lowest
i failed my math test that day
i was wearing blue-ish green skinny jeans
and my black jacket like always
but in that jacket i hid my "just in case"
and that day I needed my just in case
I went into the bathroom
I took out that blade
I cut the deepest I have cut on my thigh
than I needed a label
a label for my idiocy
I carved "idiot" on my thigh
I like it
I want more...
just a confession
  Jan 2020 Jay
He doesn't burn photographs
He doesn't join therapy sessions
He doesn't smoke too many cigarettes
Nor he drown himself into alcohol
He scratches his wounds daily
And never let them heal
He doesn't try to get rid of the pain
Instead he let it grow on him
He waters the seed of sorrow with his tears
He feeds it with the manure of old memories
He takes it to sleep with him
And nurtures it in himself
Till the moment when every single drop of his blood gets replaced by this pain
Until his fragile heart can bear no more
And his soul starts overflowing with emotions
That's when he dip his pen into this pain
And empty his heart on a piece of paper
He bares his soul for us to feel
He creates poetry that the world would cherish for centuries to come
That's how true poetry comes into existence
Jay Dec 2019
Eminem. He reminds me of you. Both of y’all ruined your lives at one point, both beat up on the mother of your kids, both neglected your kids at some point, let drugs take over your lives. So many other things you have in common too. But just a few differences; one of you has talent, one of you made a life for yourself, one of you did all the things and regretted that his kids saw it all, one of you I like and look up to. I’ll give you a hint, it ain’t you.
But I started thinking. I love Eminem so much, he is awesome and amazing. Why do I like him so much but I don’t like you? He is rapping his heart out about beating on the mama of his children… and I rap along. I rap along rapping my heart out with the lyrics of his songs. How come I copy his words and not yours? Interesting isn’t it?
I was laying in my bed a few days ago, and I just got done watching Ant-Man. I love Marvel, did you know that? No, OFCOURSE you didn’t. Why? Because you don’t bother to ask. Ever. Maybe I would have a little more respect for you if you did ask. When was the last time you asked me personally what I liked? Marvel, I like Marvel. Ant-Man in particular. Do you know about Ant-Man? Well here is the important parts I am getting at, he went to prison, for stealing a huge amount of money so he can provide for his daughter. People blame the bad guy, but do they ever get to the root of the problem? No.
Do you know what Ant-Man, you and Eminem have in common? You all have a daughter you try to provide for, and you all took the wrong ways. That is what I at least want to believe why you broke probation, for us. Doubt it, probably for drugs. But you know what Eminem and Ant-Man have in common that you don’t? They told the truth to their daughter’s faces about what they did. Eminem is not afraid to tell the world about what he did. Ant-Man is not real, so I can’t compare you to him. Eminem is real. You may be thinking “but he is famous you can’t compare me to him either”, but guess what? He started from dirt and he ended up where he is today.
His mom did nothing for him, I don’t even think he talked about having a dad providing for him. You know what you had? A mom, and a dad. Who put a roof over your head. His mom made him drop out of school to help provide for the home or move out.
You know what is really funny? Why do I know so much about Eminem then I do about my own father? I don’t even know who you are… All I know about you is you have a criminal record, you are somewhere in the southern part of the U.S, and your name is Richard David Lowe. You know that I had to find out your middle name by asking momma. The only thing that I kept holding on to that I knew you liked was Eminem. I remember traveling a long way to see you and then I was SO excited to tell you that I listened to Eminem, Mocking Bird to be exact. Do you remember that?
So, I look up to Eminem, because he is honest… You have so many similarities, but one huge difference. He told the truth…
This is what I wrote for my dad he was recently put back in prison
Jay Sep 2019
I feel so numb
It is back again
I thought I was dealing with it
Silly me
I am numb
Why am I so dumb?
Imma like die now...
  Aug 2019 Jay
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a thousand papers
Filled with broken poetries
And deadbeat proses
Full of woeful verses
With mournful pieces
Of unfinished stories
That are yet to be written
And failed to be spoken;
If you could read my mind,
You’d hear horrible screams
And earsplitting weeps
From shattered dreams,
Kept in a nasty notepad,
Scribbled on a bed
Of bloodstained words,
Ringing in my head.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the shadows
That lurk within me;
You’d hear the bellows,
Screeching the words
“I’m tired,”
“I’m a failure,”
“I’m stupid –”
I know it sounds stupid,
It’s pathetically foolish
And seems like *******.
If you could read my mind,
You’d feel the tears
I had ever failed to cry;
You’d see the people
That make the weak weaker;
You’d see the monsters
That consume my head;
You’d hear the hollers
That failed to be freed;
You’d see the heart
That still bleeds and bleeds.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see the face
I’ve failed to show back then,
The face I’ve faked back then.
If you could read my mind,
You’d see a character
I had ever failed to become
If you could read my mind,
You’d be able to read
A book you never wished
To touch and read,
But sometimes I still wish
Someone could read my mind.
  Aug 2019 Jay
Michelle S Barrios
I am so intoxicated
On those bits of attention you give me
Addicted to the little moments
Endlessly craving for more
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