What am I hoping to find?
My hands smell of cigarettes,
But the nicotine won't calm my mind,

I want to feel alive
Stuck in this world, but I'm blind
Because you left when I was five

Daddy's little girl, ain't so little any more
Can't quit smoking, can't quit drinking, a crazy *** drive
All 'cause she watched Daddy walk out with some *****

When she was small all was well
Even when she heard slam the door
All had to be well, so she wouldn't tell

Why are you back?
In the past, I don't want to dwell.
It's giving me a panic attack.

I'm sorry I'm drinking, I inherited that from you.
I'm sorry that I'm smoking, inherited that too.
I'm sorry I'm *****, guess the depictions of "Daddy issues" are true.
I'm sorry that I'm seventeen, and for everything I do.

Moving in the life
Is like jumping on edges of knives
enduring the pain to survive
Thinking of hope as a way to thrive
Parents daily strive
Just to keep their children alive
In the ground they dig, in the sea they dive
Ready to offer their children their entire life
Just to see them rise
Regardless the effort, regardless the price
Their efforts can't be rewarded by any prize
They deserve more than a palace in the paradise

Think about things they sacrifice
You'll find them angels in faces you recognize
They see in you , an ambition that glorifies
And with your success , their success emphasize
They care about you more than what you realize

You've gotta be thankful, you've gotta be grateful
With their presence ,
you've gotta be boastful

☆☆♡ My parents ♡☆☆
I know that your efforts are indescribable
And my feelings to you are ineffable

Thank God for having both of you "Mom & Dad"

Forty eight hours since I sat at my dining room table
The sweetness from the red velvet bundts and
The sharpness of the burnt wax filled the air
I had just blown out the candle on another year
And I looked at my small stack of cards
And I realized that none were signed with your name
But I wasn’t surprised because
Not only did you bail the day before to see us
For the first time in a few months but
You hadn’t even called.
Friends I haven’t talked to in years logged onto facebook
And typed the two measly words
That would have made all the difference.
I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by both
Your neglectful nature and
Your ******* excuses
But it doesn’t help it hurt any less.
I wonder if you remember the disgust
When you not only lit up in the car with me
But told me the right woman could make you quit
Or recall the weeks I was trapped
In a cheap house with cracking doors
On a dirt road in some small city
With your crazy, thought-to-be witch of a wife
That conned you for all that you had
To split with her drug addict, anxiety-ridden sons.
Even if your memory is that far-fetched that you don’t
You can’t even bring yourself to remember
The day I was born?
Even if you had, the lack of acknowledgment
Is utterly upsetting
And it left the pieces of my smile
Scattered on the shower floor
As I heard my mother yell at your voicemail
Because you couldn’t bother to pick up
The other line either.
The week you wait to apologize
Won’t make me any more eager to forgive
And you best realize
I won’t forget.


*August 13, 2014
9:52:25 PM

Plastic, glow-in-the-dark stars
cast lights, at night,
on my bedroom window.

Looking up at them takes me back to when
When, I was awake and I heard you creep in.
You asked if I was still asleep and soon we were looking up at them.

It was just me and you and we sat the whole night through..
Promising me that I won't have to go to sleep
until I see my first with you.

Looking at my window.
if only these plastic stars could shoot across my room
and bring me back to you.
Sitting in those lawn chairs.
I was not prepared
one after another
they passed
making us gasp at how fast they flew
Just me and you.
Just me and you.

The first one passed,
was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
I was a little scared that it wouldn't stop but then you whispered in my ear "make a wish"
So I did.
You didn't make me go back to bed, but instead
we just sat in sweet silence looking up at that night sky.
Another after another passed and I was soon out of wishes.

You gave me my kisses and put me back in bed.
Your little sleepy head.
Memory made
that I think of now and again
especially when I look up to the sky,
remembering that night with you,
my favorite guy.
Just you and I
                                        Just you and I.
                                                                           you and I.
                                                                                                          you and I.
                                                                                                                                         and I.
                                                                                                                                                                  I.
                                                                                                                                                                             I.
                                                                                                                                                                                              I all alone.

Four years old, I wish I could see
Fell off that sycamore tree, and as my daddy
bandaged my knee
I whispered quietly to him
"Daddy, what did you expect me to do?"

Nine years old, locked myself in my room
Mean kids at school, calling me things like they
had proof
I wrote on my wall
"Daddy, what did you expect me to do?"

Fourteen years old, the principal called him as
tears ran down my cheeks
My boyfriend had cheated on me so I slapped
him and detention is where I ended up in
He picked me up and I yelled at him
"Daddy, what did you expect me to do?"

Sixteen years old, held the note tightly in my
hand
Hopeless and crying, I kicked off the chair
Loosened grip so he could read
"Daddy, I'm sorry I never was what you expected me to be."

A house that dont have love just pain and sorrow and a kid praying for a better tomorow. a father fighting with my mother about anything to everything a life of hurt a life of lies a life of a place that never ends like an endless race. Kids crying of seeing her mother dieing and a father that never truly was. In my mind all i think is a gun with a bullet splating my brains and just maybe he can feel my pain. Looking at my blood and finally truly know whats he done just maybe he will understand.my pain and the devil will be laughing from his bloodlust because i just took a soul my own

It takes two to make a couple.
What do I have?
A single? I have two singles so doesn't that make a double.
A daddy and a mommy, that's what I'm ment to have right?
But what happens when we walk out on daddy?

We got out of there so fast some people thought we were waiting for the right minute or right second.
We go out of there so fast she forgot to leave his last name.
She still wears it to this day.

Some people might think its right or its dead wrong.
I think it's black and white.

His heart was in the mountains, hers was in the hospital chained up to all the machines.
He broke free but we're the ones who left.

His heart is still on the mountain and hers is in her chest.

Dad had to be mom but mom couldn't be dad, he was nowhere to be lost and nowhere to be found.

They used to yell like it was the law, or maybe they liked the sound of their own voices a little too much.
He never laid a finger on her, I think she was waiting for him to.
She was waiting for that right minute or second.

Some people thought he might.
I knew he wouldn't just like black from white.

Bless that childhood.
Bless that house.
Bless not being able to remember.

Remembering is one thing while reliving is another. Everyday you've gotta relive it.  

No one will understand why my dad's eyes look like the hospital lights.
I think it's cuz he used to look at the dead tile waiting for mom.
They just got stuck in his eyes.

Maybe it's the moon, it shines bright enough.
He can see the moon perfectly from his mountain.
His hearts there.  
I know it ain't here.

When we left I dropped my heart on the mountain. We left so fast I didn't know what to do.
My heart didn't know nothing.
Not even black from white.
Its sorta grey.

The last thing my dad saw was my braid swinging from left to right.
My daddy could braid just as perfect as black and white.

Do I listen?
Oh, it is rude to listen.
To something that is not mine.

One's voice is as sleek as platinum
The other is my father's
Refreshing as lemons and limes.

Catching wisps of it
Their words are quite curious
About coffee shops and dinosaurs.

Sometimes it's not really
Worth listening to
The subject is too unknown and too far.

I imagine where they might be sitting
Surely not outside our black gate.
It is too hot for anyone to be outdoors…

So they must be on the grey garage
Sitting on the bamboo chairs
Or standing on the floor

Anyway, my thoughts
Drown out their words
My eyes flicker around the computer screen

My sister talks too loud
I reach for the white earphones atop my desk
Play Owl City's 'Metropolis', which I must say sounds serene.