stab push lift pour

stab push lift pour

a ghost of memories past

a small boy no older than 12

he had curly black hair just like mine

he had brown eyes just like mine

he looked just like me

but thats because he had a last name ... just like mine

this was no tragic accident

but a carefully crafted punishment of a young boys mind

and the piece by piece fragmentation of his soul

every hurtful word, every disgusted look, every should turned

slowly braided itself together to form a string of ideas

every moment of hurt, every memory of pain, every day of neglect

slowly looped itself around him and knotted everything together

as if it was a gift of a ticking time bomb, wrapped in images you wish to forget, topped off with a bow of stripped and flattened emotions , signed with a card that simply says ... **** yourself

they say no one is responsible for his death, and the kids who teased him said " I was just joking"

well here's the punch line, i wonder which one of you ran through his mind when he finally kicked the chair out from underneath him

he stepped up on that chair with his final words that should be as historical as "four scores and severn years ago" or as revolutionary as "I HAVE A DREAM"

and hearing his last cries would be like hearing a nuclear warning siren... a scream of an inevitable end

and walking in and seeing his body hanging there like a forgotten halloween decoration was as sickening and heart breaking as seeing a ******* painted in a synagogue

i still keep his noose and i keep it mounted on the front door like a wreath , as if to say

HANG YOUR PRIDE AND OFFER A HELPING HAND BECUASE IT COULD BE THE LIFE LINE SOMEONE NEEDS

please , from a father left incomplete because they are burying a part of me

stab push lift pour

stab push lift pour

Bouncing down the tall stairs
Hazel eyes and short blonde hair
Daughter, the first of two
She looked up to you
Mama’s girl was so small
Not like her dad at all

Daddy liked to fish, hunt and hike
Kayak, canoe and mountain bike
She liked all the little girl things
Barbies, crayons and trampolines

Today I sit in your old kayak and gear
And think about us as if you were still here
I wish we could do all these things together
Now we’re the same, but you never got better

In and out of hospitals all the time
Still we all thought that you would be just fine
No answers, no cure and little treatment
But you had hope in the discouragement

Time has passed and you’ve been missed greatly
I realize now just how much you gave me
Your stubbornness, determination and drive
Your deep love and passion of all things outside

Dad, so many things we could do
I want to be back there with you
On the water with that kayak
But nothing will bring those days back

So many things you’ll miss
Stories of my first kiss
Frightening my prom date
Seeing me graduate
Walking me down the aisle
Tearing up all the while

Dad, you are loved and you are missed.

Dad, I miss you the most on days like these.
God has brought my future husband to me.
I wish you could meet him; you’d bond I know.
In a year or so, down the aisle we’ll go.

I love him; I know you would love him too.
He’s an outdoor lover, dad, just like you.
He seeks the Lord Jesus and loves Him first.
My little heart feels like it just might burst.

I miss you, you know and I always will.
You are the only one that place could fill.
In the sadness, immense joy I have found.
In my Heavenly Father love abounds.

I’d be lost and lonely and feeling bare,
But the Lord Jesus is always right there

I used to tie knots in my dad's shoe laces when he came over, so he could stay for a minute longer.
I'd block the door until he raised his voice, then strain to hear his truck pull away.
Fishing line,
Hospital tubes,
And that belt I tried to ****** myself with last October have made knots that he could of untied.
But I never invited him to come over.

I drop four ice cubes into my coke out of habit.
I kiss my sweet love four times for good luck so our team can win the game.
I catch myself counting to four when Im ready to speak up, I don't count to three or even ten I count to four.

It was on my back in big white letters when dad looked through the chain linked fence and said with every ounce of his pride "Take it for a ride lex."
That's the day I got my first homerun.
That's my old man's favorite number and mine too.
Ill never know why I look at him like hes god.

He spelt my name wrong two years back.
The letters said L-e-x-i,
I whispered that's not how you spell my name it's spelled L-e-x-i-e.
I whispered because I didn't want to embarrass him, I thought if I talked quiet enough no one could see my lips break around the words in shock.
I was 5 when me and mom left him.
The number 5 is my most unlucky number it always takes something from me, like my dog, she was in my arms on the fifth of may when heaven called for her to go home.

Dad came the next day to burry her, the hole he dug was to shallow.
Days after her funeral foxes came and
scattered her bones across the field.  

It was a treasure hunt to find all of them, I tried to save her one last time.

I should really give that man a call.
I'll do it tomorrow , or I'll wait for him to call.
I'll count to four before I answer.

I'm four years old searching for bugs, lizards and frogs then putting them in boxes because I wanted to be like god.
They never lived long.
I buried my pet frog then dug him up to see what death really looked like.
I'm eight years old getting baptized in holy water, my uncle puts me under. They say all my sins have been washed away but I still feel the same. My dad wore his suit and walked like God.

I'm twelve years old behind home plate wearing my battle gear and scabbed knees, look dad! Did you see that catch?  I thought it was beautiful. He says I'm leader of the team.
I'm fifteen years old being swept in to this strong boys arms. All I wanted was my dad. He never taught me the different between a boy and a man.
I'm fifteen and a half, sitting at the park high, pathetically high. My lungs are cussing me out right about now.

I'm fifteen and three quarters being sent to rehab for trying to die because of a boy that was nothing close to being a man.
He left me with ******* in my system


I'm sixteen years old and I found myself a man. He's my NA meeting whenever I need it. He reminds me of my dad.

I am not probably the cuttest girl, or the tallest, or skinny with ***** ,abs and ****, but i surely love you, what I feel for you is an endless love,something that even my dad cant break, or a jealous ex-girlfriend.We were made for each other, and  I want to be yours forever♥

and suddenly on a random frequency
my whole family moved
we were in the car
Pa started humming
then mom joined, and then us
in that moment i realized
how safe
how happy
how loved
how satisfied
I am.