Threw my pills across the floor and my blades against the wall,
Screamed until the voices stopped, cried until I was sick-does anyone care at all?
Vomited until I was sore, destroyed mirrors until glass was on the floor,
I fell to insanity leaving reality for a while until I came back realizing I was shattered form the core.*

❣

You ask me "What are those scars? The ones going up your arm?"
"Why would you even think of self harm?"
"Why do you hate your own name? Replace it with another?"
"Why did you push away your own lover?"
"Why do you ***** after you eat? Why are you so obsessed with being perfect and 'neat'?"
"Why do you cry for no reason at all? Why do you get so angry when there is no reason to be at all?"
"Why are you so afraid? Why do you stay in bed? Why are you the way you are? "
"I am sorry, was it something I said?"

You see your questions don't scare me, In fact they aren't the first,
Just know this-when you are in pain long enough, you find any way you can to rid away all that hurts.

❥

She's locked herself away,
Hidden from love's painful force;
She's convinced that if she's all alone,
She'll never end up with a broken heart or hurt.
❣
But her heart aches of loneliness,
To which there's only one cure;
But she promises she won't ever fall in love,
This she knows for sure.
❣
So in an empty room,
She cries behind a locked door;
She just wishes that love wasn't just pain,
She wishes it could be more.
❣
She doesn't know when she decided she was better off alone,
All she knows is that it's breaking her to her core;
She reasons that if she ends up needing someone and then they leave, She just won't have anything left to live for.
❣
So she sits huddled in the warmth of her lies,
They offer such comfort but she's choking on her words.
Why can't she find true love?
Maybe she just has a lesser worth.*

❥

This was a place I used to call home,
Now it is just a building with no name,
No touch of endearment on the doormat,
No letters of love but maybe they are lost in the post -
A name is just a word
But I have never heard my footsteps walk
These halls with an echo following
Like another ghost woven into the tapestries
Hanging on the walls,
Old photographs of memories that time
Turned into black and white,
The colours of an old life lost and forgotten
In this empty abyss the world has left behind.
My fingers trace the smile of a young girl
That I believe I used to be,
Innocence untouched by the man
She would fight to unsee.
This used to be home
And now my body is just a shell
I long to crack under my feet,
Feel the bough break
And look at the damage underneath
A disordered house is a disordered mind
But people don't see the fight thats inside
These walls that are shrinking to make me less space
So I can go to bed knowing, there is less I can waste.

Ive been fat my entire life.
Things I've tried.
B12.
Eating disorders
Bulimia
Obsessive exercise
Dieting
Not dieting
Throwing up
I'm less fat now
My ribs don't show
I wish they would though.

And you're rocking again, but not like you use to.
Your knees are no longer drums
but they are still bruised
And your fingers are no longer drumsticks
but your knuckles are still red

There is no melody to air guitar to
And there is no chorus to yell out
But oh darling,
there is fighting
So keeping rocking away.

"so once again
you're creating artwork on your skin,
crying yourself to sleep
& puking every thing you eat?

**welcome back, I've missed you."

The day I met you, you held my hand while my parents screamed, stayed on the phone when I didn't want to face the deafening fall out. That night I bared my body to you, forgetting you were a stranger twice my age.. You told me we are perfectly compatible, You were the one who is OCD about numbers and time while I was failing math and struggling to keep up, you should have known 14 and 27 are not compatible numbers. I once called you 3 minutes after I said I would and you ignores me for a week until I agreed to show you my **** to make it up to you. Our relationship consisted of petty arguments, razor blade insults, commands, and punishments when I didn't do as you asked. For example do you remember the time when I told you I didn't feel beautiful and you made me starve myself for three days and workout for two months, what about the time I told you I didn't want to have children till I was 20 and you told me no one would want me then and you'd never wait for my ****** to be ready to have a family. What about the times I tried to leave and you threatened to end your life, do you remember that? No... You probably don't. Because even when I close my eyes I can still see the half dozen emptied beer bottles on the floor of your ***** apartment in the background of the pictures of you with a gun to our head as you begged me to take you back. You told a 14 year old girl you put your life in her hands knowing they shook and trembled every time she heard your voice slur as you told her not to eat because she was fat or that it was her fault you beat her. you became the skeleton in my closet and the monster under my bed the ghoul peeking through the curtains and knife weilder in the laste nights. I became the dying flower in a glass jar, but unlike beauty in the beast every time a petal wilted to the ground like a tear sliding down y cheek you only got stronger. I was not your beauty, you didn't realize you were a beast. I don't know if I'll ever forgive you.