My mind has been tormenting me
Constant thoughts of self doubt
Such ill contempt for myself
And it seems to only get worse

I’m trying desperately to push back
But with each day it grows stronger
Pushing me back into a corner
Making me feel small and weak

There are times where I’d win
There are times when it’s a draw
But times like these hurt so bad
Because I’m losing a battle with myself

Sometimes it goes so far
As to make me cry in misery
Begging for my thoughts to be wrong
Hoping and praying that I’ll be okay

Other times it causes me to go numb
To not be able to feel at all
Those are the times I fear the most
It’s when I become the most self sabotaging

I don’t want my brain to win
I can’t let these thoughts cloud my mind
But the harder I fight
The stronger they seem to become

And what hurts the most
Is my past traumas
Becoming worse and worse
Making me lose my ability to trust again

Over the last few years
I have found out that even actions
Are not to be trusted
Much like someone’s word

I’m trying to hard to correct that mindset
To learn to trust again
But the more I try
The harder it gets

I met someone new a few months ago
Someone I really care for and love
But because of my past
My head is evil

Making me question everything I do
Making me question the faith I have for him
All these sabotaging thoughts
And I fight them off everyday

I wish someone told me that dating
After serious trauma is inflicted
Would be harder than anything
Especially with how bad mine was

Maybe I could have prepared myself better
Or tried harder to correct my issue with trust
Maybe I could have healed my pain
So my mind wouldn’t push me away

Because this pain is so much worse
Than the trauma I endured
So much worse than the suffering
I dealt with afterwards

Far worse than the death of a loved one
I feel alone in my suffering
Surrounded by mockery
Silently crying to myself

I don’t know if I’ll be able to win this battle
Not by myself at least
But who do you turn to
When you can’t even trust yourself

Going about the day
Like there’s nothing wrong
Smiling and laughing
Like nothing is going on

Playing games
Hanging out with friends
All bubbly and happy looking
Like nothing is wrong

But under the surface
Ready to burst
Fearing the moment
It boils over

Putting on a fake smile
To hide the tears
Threatening to burst
Without a moments notice

You put on masks everyday
To hide the pain
You wish to not share
In fear of being a burden

Silently hoping
That you keep it together
So you don’t get called attention seeker
Drama queen or a burden

Holding onto that pain
It steadily gets worse
Thoughts race
Mind goes dark

Demons stir and awaken
Shadows twist and warp
Causing panic and fear
Is it real or just your head

Too afraid to ask
Too afraid to speak out
Too afraid to ask for help
Too afraid to push it away

Too afraid to run
Too afraid to cry
Too afraid of being judged
Too afraid of everything

Now hiding alone in the dark
Staying away from everyone else
Hammering your skull
Hoping to beat them out

Breaking down
Silently screaming
Eyes shut tight
Tears running down your face

You break down
Wishing everything was different
That your mental state was normal
Not so tattered and broken

Knees to forehead
Squeezing your legs tighter into you
Hoping the pressure will help
Tears now running down your legs

There a knock at the door
And you switch everything off
Clean up your face and smile
All in a few seconds

Just another mask
Put on daily
In a never ending cycle
Of constant torment

it is the epitome of mad terror
I've been lobotomized;
in my nightmares
by ******-analysts
who seek the blood of the
weak and naive
for the guilty and the
geeks
same geeks who strive on books and
their gram of coffee beans
they eat and chew on
to nourish their brain with more
anxiety and horror.

listen to me
  
I tell you  

walk by me

I tell you.

Walk the streets
to the left
holy mass concourse of scalawags
to the right
a pile of wet cigarette butts
and broken garbage cans.
my brain has been castrated.
my guts are tormented from
all my past experiences.
Enter the room;
full of art
melancholic darkwave in the background
and peace.

Do not get out of the room.

I tell you.

(from outside the room)

noises and yelling
people fighting
misery

Reincarnation has to come to an end.

One is enough,
I tell you.
ONE IS ENOUGH.

Now, I swim in my Andromeda and float in the milky way..

On nights like this,
Self sabotage is all I know.

I'll ruin the things I love the most,
Until I have exactly what I deserve:

Nothing.