lately I’ve been feeling like I live on another plane of existence. I have left my body and I’m watching over myself as I fail at being a functioning person. I take four hour naps every day and don’t wake up until noon and I’m left up at night screaming into the void that I exist because as much as I know that I am alive I don’t feel like I’m existing. or maybe I just don’t want to exist. maybe I’m tired of these day to day tribulations that come with being an adult, maybe I want to exist as a child forever when everything is bright and new and nothing hurts except bruised elbows and scraped knees. maybe I’m being nostalgic for a place that I don’t even know exists. maybe I lost my innocence too early to know what being a child feels like. maybe I lost myself too early to know what being a person feels like.

Like a child
I need to be protected from the monsters that only I can see
Like a child
I need to be held closely when all my nightmares come to be.
Like a child
I need to believe in everything and to be believed in too
Like a child
I need someone to be my comfort blanket so I can make it through
Like a child
I need to be told I'm loved and cared about every day
Like a child
I must be reminded that everything is going to be okay.

Can I one day cook
For you
You leaned against my fridge
Until I kissed you
You felt nothing

Can I put a finger
On you
You made love to me so intense
Until I filled you
You felt nothing

Can I sleep
With you
You lay beside me like an angel
Until I woke you
You felt nothing

Can I fall in love
With you
You moved into my heart
Until you left me
You felt nothing

Can I get the truth
From you
You kept insisting
Until I believed you
You felt nothing

"Not now, or never did?"
You said "never did"

My heart shrank
As I felt everything
Squeeze out of me

You felt nothing

I want to feel your love
But once again I forgot
Somewhere I know
But I don't feel it anymore

Worried that your friends mean more
To you than me
I want to be the only one
Although that thought is sick

Want you to be with me
Us together
Always
Be together

Hate everything that keeps us apart
Even when I know that's wrong
It's what I feel
And it makes me feel

Some sort of shame

Perhaps this time,
It wasn't supposed to be.
Maybe this fleeting happiness
Will some how come to stay,
But I no longer clutch such false hopes.
For me,
I feel a void expanding in my chest;
It never slows,
Increasing as fast as the wind blows.
It's no wonder the feelings,
In which once ran free,
No longer come to me
In gusts like vibrations,
Washing over the sea.
So once again
I ponder the ways
I'll never be able to keep the tears at bay.
A part of me wishes
I'll one day be better,
But I already know
It'll be forever.
For now I just wait
Until I awake,
So then I'll be the one I should be,
Not who I've come to be...

Borderline personality disorder Unseen people unseen energies tickling my back Distrust paranoia Longing for love unwilling to accept Dreaming of self harm of boys in all black Who am I to you Trust no one not even your best friend especially not them Avert your eyes don’t look at me I don’t see you I hear things that aren’t there I hear things they whisper my name want me to follow Casual *** casually falling in love Relapse around the corner need to see my blood I smell blood I taste it Close my eyes move to music become a ghost Crying in my bedroom crying in public No one sees I am invisible Think horrible things think about killing A certainty that I will end up alone This sounds like a suicide note Want to be art want to be in the ground burned to ash Who AM I ******* daily In love with love In love with being on my own I can’t belong to anyone I want to belong to someone Can’t be a girlfriend can’t be a best friend Can’t lose me that’s all I have in the end I sound ******* nuts Borderline personality Don’t smile Won’t smile Bitterness bitterness Too afraid to hang myself Punch myself in the face Spit on me Respect me Degrade me Take me away take me in What the **** is wrong with me

Music pulsing

I smell sweat I smell

Beer spilled all over the ground like secrets whispered to the girl in the stall left of mine

I look at him I try to look through him I can’t

Perhaps I have met my match

He is enticing he is beautiful

The contrast of our skin is the make of ink on parchment paper soon to be love letters

Burn them all destroy what could have been good for me

What the **** is good for me I’m good for nothing for no one

I close my eyes I move

Sensuality

Pushing pulling me away me to HIM

He used to scream in my face to breathe hot breath into my heart

Wanted to ruin me he did but

Not irrevocably

I am more now I am less everything is overwhelming underwhelming

This life this human shell is it mine

It all stares back at me in the silver backed mirror

I shake I shiver

He makes me tremble but not like HE did

Anticipation for love he makes me come

Anticipation for /uninvited pain/ he made me whither

I dance I move my hands my hips

Contort my body think of me in bed

He kissed me gently his arm around my shoulders

HOME

Protect me invite me to stay I want to STAY