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The inner growl Jul 2018
She sneaks out at night
She doesn’t blink
She smiles

The land mines
She sets
Here and there
You let

To be one
And separate

Diminish the night
With a few broken hearts
Rosie Jul 30
They think I'm recovered, that's what they said
But there's still a constant battle inside my head
It would be so much easier to stay in my bed
And go a week without being fed
And let my arms drip with red
Or I could totally give up instead
Would people really miss me if I was dead?
Of course they would miss you, they really do care
You might feel alone but you've got people there
You need to stay positive when life is unfair
Just think of that outfit you wanted to wear
The summer breeze that goes through your hair
The smell of flowers drifting through the air
And watching the sunset through the trees over there
void Jan 8
writhing in pain
i remembered vividly
what the doctor had said to me
"you have manic depression
but you are too young"
and then she walked out

i was thirteen
i didn't know
what that meant

so i tossed in bed
and ate my blanket
but not the food they served me
because if i ate food
then i wouldn't be
like her

"you can't touch each other
not even fingertips"
i needed love
from someone who knew
my struggle
they took that opportunity away
(for another few months)

"your family is here to visit"
i said i didn't want to

"you are in control of
your stay here"
you didn't even
try to stop me
from lying
my way out
you helped me

"you can't listen
to what kept you alive"
why not?
but you can play songs
that describe
with the curse words
bleeped out

"we'll give you the others
information if they leave it
for you"
they did
so why don't i have it

"you can't have any
unsupervised utensils"
then tell me
did you leave us
a group of
unstable and
freshly medicated
alone in a room
with scissors and glue
scared and confused

"you can talk about
anything in group therapy"
then why couldn't i speak
when i was ready?
was it that
i wanted to tell them
how ******* thankful
i was
to be somewhere that
wanted to help
with people like me

"we want to help you get better"
the biggest lie you told
"if the pill doesn't help, just tell us"
you called me an addict
"you can tell us anything"
you made me feel nauseous
"you're safe here"
you made me undress
after visible discomfort
and tears
so you could look
and poke
and ****

"you have manic depression"
but we wont treat you for it

instead, we will treat you for depression
with a touch of
because we don't want you better
we just want you away

I have manic depression
Untreated for at least
Four years.
At this rate
And my mental state(s)
It could very well be
Borderline Personality.

I have(had) manic depression
And they took four years
Away from me.
i was in the mental hospital for 6(?) or 8(?) days. it wasn't all bad, it just wasn't good. if any of you have bipolar or bpd and would be open to talking to me please message me. it's scary to realize this.
Elle Morrison Nov 2018
I am a person of forgiveness and second chances
I am not one of firm decisions and stances
I am one who can be easily swayed
So I become one that is easily played
With an open mind and intentions pure
Am I taken advantage of, I can never be sure
And some are not so eager to flip a new page
Some remain bitter and burning with rage
I am not one, who can understand grudges
How you can’t move on, when opportunity nudges
But I live in sorrow, and I live in pain
I radiate sunshine, but live in the rain
I promote to be happy, but am subject to hurt
I treat people well, when they treat me like dirt
You would think it’s rewarding, to see people smile
But when your world is grey, it’s old after a while
I don’t do it for return nor do it for praise
But just once I’d like, to stand in sun’s rays
I’ve had moments when, I’ve felt sunshine’s beams
But in the back of my mind, I know what it means
A shadow is lurking and it’s one of tears
The world turns around and puts me right back in fear
With all life’s great moments being so bittersweet
I am one that’s familiar, with constant defeat
I am one with two faces, one happy, one sad
Some think to themselves, that isn’t so bad
But I am one with a heart, that tugs on both sides
And although I am hurting, I roll with the tides
And the waves pour over any chance of assistance
Still I fight through each day, and I fight with persistence
Though I never know, what each day brings
I treat those around me like queens and like kings
Life suffocates me with such crippling worry
I do see a future, but mine is quite blurry
I can’t see how I can possibly go on
With the overwhelming feeling that something is wrong
People say that they get it, and say that they care
But I am one who’s alone when they say they’ll be there
A counsellor for others, but still no one listens
I am one who’s destiny, is not one that glistens
I’ve searched for solutions, and I’ve searched for answers
Although it doesn’t compare, there’s no cure, like a cancer
I am one who longs for peace, in the world and my soul
But I feel like one, with an unattainable goal
War seems to be forever, it’s a damning belief
It’s proven quite true with my internal grief
I am one who is calling, crying out
And I am one that is filled with doubt
Doubting my chance, to ever be heard
Doubting my chance, to get in a word
I am one that hopes for a listening ear
For you to cherish and hold me so dear
Or at least that you’ll see that your actions are unfair
That you’ll see your two faces, and you’ll be aware
Of your resistance to change, despite what I need
That you’re killing me with your selfishness and greed
I know you’re broken, but I’m broken too
I am one that needs fixing, and you are my glue.
Meghan Young Oct 2018
Cycling again
The same old spell I've been under for years
I start  to become more positive
Starts seeing the light of happiness
Yet it comes crashing down again
Over and over
I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of spiraling out of control.
I abuse and abuse
Drugs, alcohol,  and eating
I start not to take care of myself again.
Then it slows down
I pick myself up just to fall within minutes, days and sometimes months.
This  cycle lasts longer each time.
My habits become more  vicious
To the point where I don't know where I am
Don't care if I die
I just want to get higher and higher for this never-ending pain to go away.

Simply why can't I stop this madness.
I don't have dreams or goals anymore
I wish for one thing every birthday or every shooting star I've ever seen.
Just to wanting to be happy.

Just one time,
I would love to know what is life like without :
being depressed
Not being angry.
Just a girl wanting to be normal.
Meghan Young Sep 2018
She used to be human.
She use to have fun.
She used to be talkative
She used to be alive.

Her emotions run her life into the ground.
Her fun turned into pain.
Her voice doesn't have strength to talk.
She's alive, but only her body is here.
Alison Shulman Mar 2016
lately I’ve been feeling like I live on another plane of existence. I have left my body and I’m watching over myself as I fail at being a functioning person. I take four hour naps every day and don’t wake up until noon and I’m left up at night screaming into the void that I exist because as much as I know that I am alive I don’t feel like I’m existing. or maybe I just don’t want to exist. maybe I’m tired of these day to day tribulations that come with being an adult, maybe I want to exist as a child forever when everything is bright and new and nothing hurts except bruised elbows and scraped knees. maybe I’m being nostalgic for a place that I don’t even know exists. maybe I lost my innocence too early to know what being a child feels like. maybe I lost myself too early to know what being a person feels like.
Hayleigh May 2014
I am working on freedom
But it's a work in progress
As much as I try and convince myself
I know I'm not ready. Not just yet.

To take responsibility,
For my safety and health,
To pick up a fork and keep down its wealth.
To prepare myself a meal
To allow myself to heal.
To put down a razor and use a different technique
Maybe one day,
But at present I am weak.
To walk innocently
Not compulsively.
To tackle negative thoughts in a productive fashion
One day will be the case
When I have the compassion.
To love myself like I do you,
Will take a long time to do.
To allow myself to make,
An error, a mistake
Without having to dance with my self defeating thoughts
I'm not quite out of those courts.

I am working on freedom
But it's a work in progress.
One day ill be ready. Just not yet.
Being in hospital *****, but I know it is where I need to be..

— The End —