Being stupidly tired but being scared stupid to fall asleep.
Its so much more than falling.
Its tripping on the drugs that my sobriety has taken away from me.
Watching too many scary movies that give me the edge I think I need.

When I know the edge of the bed is more than enough for me.
My mattress is lost at sea and I'm the dammed captain.

Just let me ******* sleep.

When I went mental my mom called for reinforcement, her brother.
I called uncle but it didn't stop him.

I understand he wanted to help,
I understand he felt connected because both of our father's abandoned ship.

Just because you have four golden children doesn't mean you get to pick me to be your black sheep.
I won't let you fix me.
I'm not on board to sail the 7 seas with you and your perfect family.
You see, I am a ship wreck.

I'm good at not asking for help,

And my mattress is starting to sink.

When the sun fades away, paving night's way
and the moon swoops in, riding a swift chill
as we sit on the sand, held in the moment's sway
i reach across and tuck, a curl gone astray

It seems like yesterday, strangers we were
the tide came and went, but I wouldn't stir
bobbing along the sea, a boat without an oar
drifting along to where, I couldn't say anymore

then you waltzed in, like a cool summer breeze
when i glimpsed you at first, time stood still
my heart that had gone dead, knew life again
a smile and a skip later, my demons were slain

I've never known love to hold magic such
as if I were a violin, strings begging to be touched
and you played a dream, that ripped me apart
kiss me my love, now that you've stolen my heart

Time is just a burning fuse
What’s burnt is burnt is gone
The water beats the boat I’m on,
This bustle- what’s the use?

The stern is sternly, surely set,
Turned ‘round ‘till North is found
The ubiquitous Now is still somehow,
A measure of regret.

But how I wonder, weight the pain
Consider- is it wrong?
Regret is often, after all,
The fix for work in vain

I keep the future full in view,
And oft I ask ‘how long?’
I’ve much regret, but none so strong
Than time I spent on you.

my retainer broke and i held it in my hand
my nails were ***** because we were at camp
it was red plastic despite tasting like metal
and you were there, we walked into a boat
abandoned in the dry sand piled high
i kept seeing flies and i felt my heart
it was enormous and i couldn't stand
you made a face to show that you felt the same
when i told you about my fear of them,
and i made a face when you said you'd
forgotten to let me know, that in seven weeks
it would be goodbye, and you were leaving
for the empty deserts of California

i thought about the days and how to tell you
that i loved you, that i loved you, here,
that goodbye was all i had and all i could give
because my mouth was full from all the camp food
and the darkness you had chased away

you told me to sit by you later
when we watched the symphony play

when i woke up i couldn't shake the feeling that you had
died

it would seem
this boat we are in
took on some water

were our hearts too full?
too heavy to bring about
the bouyancy that
drifting at sea requires?

were we paddling with impatience?
that song we sang it had
a cadence that left
little time for reflection
no time to notice
the water lapping and rising at
our own feet

despite what we've been told
rarely is one prepared
for such a trip

after all
who could anticipate
the severe solitude
one discovers
adrift at sea,
hearts unmoored,
souls all afire
all aflutter
sails stormily snapping
and lapping up the
tempestuous wind

I was a child of the river. Always living within walking distance of the restless water, the uneasy docks, and the anchors that kept the boats steady. Even as the current smacked against the starboars, the sailboats would waiver but never fall. I admired their tenacity. A child of the river: strong but restless; the anchor and the starboard; a suburban sadness-- a yearning for something beyond the river, but too weighed down to sail. A child of the river, stuck in a stagnant town.

I used to step on the solid ground
The grey asphalt with li'l pebbles in black in it
I used to walk with cemented pavement
Where no one hinders me to enjoy the tack I'm in.

You led me to the boat
And together, we left the crowd
My knees are shaking, as if I'm freezing
You guided me to enter that narrow boat
And I had nothing but myself to bring
For it may sink with tons of extra things.

We started sailing
The curtained sky was the scene
With lil stars painted on it
And the depth of the ocean was present
It bounces the crescent up there.

I felt the wind brushed my hair
He sounds so mad with the clouds supporting him
My feet trembles with fear as my faith does.

You are with me, oh Jesus
And I asked you if you care
For I may fall from where we are
And you may not see it and forget I was there at all.

Words come from your mouth
And the wind listened with your sweet voice
You brought peace and calmed my raging seas.

I trust no one but You
Even if I don't know how far but I'm ready though
Oh held my hands indeed,
Let my grip be frozen upon your hands.

I'll sit and take a look at the vistas
And move the boat as we sail
You'll teach me how to act
And wherever we'll go, You are with me.

(6/4/2014 @xirlleelang)

Ah, küçücük gemi, sulara attın şimdi kendini, delisin
Ah, yakarlar seni, dönmezsin bir daha geri, delisin

Ah, deniz olayım, tuzumu rüzgârda savurayım, deliyim
Ah, ne yelken ne yel, köpüklerde kaybolayım, deliyim

Kime sorsam dönüşüm yok
Nereye gitsem mavi
Yelkenimde deli rüzgâr
Her yanım tuz, deliyim

Ah, peşimde rüzgâr, ne yağmurlar dost ne bir kıyı var,
deliyim
Ah, düşlerim kaldı, yalnızım düşlerim kaldı, deliyim

Ah, yaralı kalbin, sönüp gidecek yaralı kalbin, delisin
Ah, küçücük gemi, dönmezsin bir daha geri, delisin

Kime sorsam dönüşüm yok
Her gemi biraz deniz
Her yanım mavi, her yanım yel
Her yanım tuz..