Vivienne Westwood
Always wears Chinos
By Moschino
When making Cappuccinos
And insists all that drink
The aforementioned fare
Wear clothes
Adorned with safety pins
And have blond spiky hair.

Vivienne rarely makes Cappuccinos.

Medusa's juicer
Used to confuse her -
The instructions
She said
Were obtuse.

By the snakes for hair
round my petrifying face
I swear that
This juicer's no use.

Sat on a sedan
Spiderman took her hand.

Went down on one knee
And said
Will you marry me?

I cannot face
The rest of eternity
With each generation's
Take on modernity.

It's old fashioned values
I look for and see -

Your confidence,
Common sense,
Your honesty,
Sincerity,
Your quirkiness
And peacableness.

But most of all
Your peerless take on life
Is what does it for me.

Will you be my wife?

Spiderman, Spiderman,
How you do woo!
And you have such qualities
That draw me to you -

Your patience,
Respect,
Your considerable intellect,
Your gentleness,
Strength of mind -

I could go on at length and find
You could  be my cobweb?
I could  be your fly?

Could you  be the man for me
Until the day I die?

What more can I say than
You may have concurred
That I do things my own way.

So can you guess?

Little Miss Muffet Said Yes!

And do you know what?

As they lay there
On that Le Corbusier chair
Without a care in the world -

And you know it's not novel
To be graphic -

They were not afraid at all.

Diaz Cameron
Always reads the Cedameron
In the orinigal Ilatian.

What a mowan!

Captain Scarlet
Had a weakness for harlots
Who always wore scarlet as well.

This could sound
The death knell
For the show
Thundered Gerry.

It's so deleterious
I'm deadly serious
Less of the hoes
And more Thunderbirds Are Go.

Captain Scarlet's
Favourite starlet
However
Was no harlot
Even though
she always wore
Scarlet as well
But it was quite difficult to tell
That she was not so
Even if one was very clever.

Unlike Bobby Shafto.

Katie Price
Had a collection
Of last season's
Brassieres
Which she indexed
With the help
Of a sincere
Bilingual reindeer
Dressed in spandex
Who for some reason
Was single.

Taxonomy
Is so important to me
Said Katie.

So they were labelled
And kept in taxis
At disused angle grinder factories
Near the Tower of Babel
So posterity
Would be able
To analyse
The finer points
Of her physiognomy.

Quite an unusual praxis
And something of an anomaly
For someone like me
Wouldn't you agree?

Cross my heart
And hope to die
I agree.

When Jacques Derrida's Mother
Embraced the concept
Of  'wholly other'
She loosed her hold on life
In the past tense
And gave herself up to
The 'Metaphysics of Presence'.

How I love this new-found euphoria
Now there is no more aporia.
If only the world would grasp
The concept of deconstruction.

So she put down her knitting
Logged onto the internet
And signed up for a course on
Basic Moxibustion.

Such a great invention
This internet
But life is even better
Without unresolved tension.

Oh for a mother
To understand her son.

Pussycat Dolls,
Pussycat Dolls,
Where have you been?

We've been up to London
To see Queen The Musical
Then went to see the mayor
Hid his computer mouse
On his electric chair.

Switched it on!

Not so much PC -
More AC/DC

And then we were gone
On a sightseeing trip
With an aunt and a niece.

Poor Boris Johnson

RIP.

Dita Von Teese
Was very smitten
With what had been written
About her knees -

Being a *** kitten
Is something
I'm at ease with.

I'm truly elated
I have knees that please.

Salvador Dali
Rode a Harley-Davidson
All the way from Bali
To Abu Dhabi
With Charley the Cat
Riding pillion.

Said Charley to Dali
All weathered and gnarly

I get quite incensed
By children's lack of road sense.
When I get back to Britain
I think I'll start
A Road Safety Campaign.

Good idea
Said Dali
To Charley
Who replied
Thanks a million.