I feel the icy walls
Rising up around me
In my reach
And under my touch
I don't look up
I don't look out
I don't try to reach
Past the walls about.

And if I see
A sliver of the light
Tears blur my sight
And I collapse
As the walls come crashing down...

And if you catch
My soul by chance
I would crack
Into a million shards of ice;
My final barrier
And the end all...

My love is more pure than a diamond,
even with a heart of dark, black coal.
Lately I've been expanding my mind and,
getting high on draining my soul.
I skip notes like a broken record,
and thus conversation is never relayed.
I make choices with how it will affect her,
we both know that's how the game is played.

But I know that I have the potential to destroy a life,
and that's why I decorate in caution tape.
Yes I know it reflects shining misery and strife,
but I've been strapped in so long; I can't escape.

I've got high hopes and low odds,
hearing only demons who act as gods.
I've got low morale but skin of steel,
even when I watch it bleed and peel.

My love is more pure than the deepest of seas,
even with affection that's coarse like sand.
Lately I've been biting and silencing my pleas,
and digging my nails straight into my hand.
I sink ships like a waiting ice field,
stopping it dead right in it's path,
and not even the greatest mirror shield,
could ever withstand my full wrath.

'Cause I know that I have the ability to stick around,
so I try to make sure that I am never really there.
My soul fears the day when it is chained and bound,
but the opportunities seem so very rare.

I've got high hopes and low odds,
rambling this nonsense with the nods.
I've got low morale but skin of steel,
it deflects the good and bad that I should feel.

I can't hear
over the sound
of this silence
can't breathe,
can't think,
but god,
can I feel.
drowning
crouched in a corner
in a ball curling tighter
and tighter
trying to block out the sound
of this silence
my mind filling it
with paranoia
and insecurity
so
so loud
as I try desperately
to ignore it
to not
misjudge or second guess it
but this silence
is aching
and leaves me quaking
so
so loud
and no matter how much background noise
I add
chattering numbly away
filling the space with
blabber
it's still there
looming
growing
encroaching on my space
as I crouch in my corner
and curl into a ball
tighter
and tighter
trying to get away from it
and this silence
is
so
so loud.

I left you behind.
I had too,
the pain was crushing me.
I couldn't breath anymore.

I could see naught
but the spectrum of iron and ash.

It struck me so profoundly,
As if I had seen the impossible lines
In gods ancient hands.
A resonating slap across the soul.

I could not be you anymore.
But I left you her picture,
a beautiful, broken path
and I crawled away.

I cried everyday.
At first in every regard,
and then mostly inward.
I became as a black veil
as the cathedral I build to her
slowly melted away
in the acids of anger and pain.

Around the ruin
I dug a mote
and I filled it with sarcastic regret
and I set it ablaze with volcanic irony
the hate of how I was.

I built a Castle from my own remains,
a dread and lifeless thing.
Stone by stone,
Quarried from the shell
of what I thought love would be
Each splashed with a crimson
"never again" and set soundly
against all who would come calling.

I have lived here ever since.
Walls lined with exquisite paintings.
Markers of siege I withstood
each a beautiful face, lost but never forgotten.

Everyday I sit at a simple table
covered in the jigsaw mess of it,
a broken song I wish to sing
but I am missing so many pieces
and I left the box with you.

Every ****** night
before I go to bed
I look in the silver reflection
beset by patina and time
and I peer back at the familiar
seventeen year old boy there
who has yet to fall in love with her,
to be wrapped in the glory
of her soul
and I tell the dreams in his eyes
the very essence of him
the wayward pieces of me
I am sorry, I am so very sorry,

But I had to leave you behind.

An innocent child taught to share.
Taught to know that the relationship;
the journey to share knowledge, love, ideas
and our difference is key.

An educated adult never forgets the child's lesson.
But fear drives self-protection, materialism and pride.

To share what divides us is to plant the seeds of learning.
Comradeship grows from understanding,
and acknowledgement of those differences.

Build a fence. Build a wall.
Create the divide and create the perfect,
repugnant bigot's nursery.

Destroy the very values one thinks will be protected.
Fail to share as only a child learns and build humanity's failure.

I was strong, you made me weak
You broke my barriers down to an empty husk
I let you in, and you grabbed on tight to my heart
You tugged me back to your game every time I tried to get away.

I was broken, you played on it.
False concern.

Pulling me further into your game
Your lips pressed against mine,
Deeper once again.
Your smile which lit up your face in turn lit up my heart as I thought I was the cause of it
The glint in your eye as I could not retaliate against your jokes
Your grandiose delusions of your own self worth
and your narcissistic ways,
all drew me in further

You're magnetic

******* brought a life back into me which I had never known before
A racing pulse
A want
A need for you, for your skin against mine

But I was a distraction,
Your little quick fix of attraction
I could never be her,
I could never do what she did to you

I'm not enough.

I burdened you, did I not?
Told you things I thought you'd hear,
In the wind, in whispers from the woods
Nobody told you, but I did.
Vaguely I burdened you.

And you were lonely, I tell you so much,
In ways I don't fathom, shallow diving me.
Weird fishes nibble bones, weird stories take your love for me,
Rumours, rumours, grow like weeds,
Weeds, weeds grow as bushes between us.

So we sit on lawns of cut relationships,
Each blade a sharp reminder,
Of friends we never made,
We grew, didn't we? Like stalks of flowers that never dreamt of being trees,
But sometimes,
I see the yellow of your kiss across the garden hedge.
We never bore such fruit apart.

So sitting, so kneeling,
So waiting till time makes us desperate enough to try again,
I move pragmatic pieces, and play games that think of you
I spell your name, in footsteps I take in the wrong direction,
But it's only wrong to you,
We're only wrong for each other,
Why should that mean we can't love?
Why does that mean we don't talk?

Not through rumours.