When did it all get turned upside down?
I really shouldn't be here
Will I ever live this down?
Couldn't you’ve just imagined me here?

It was years ago
and I should have known
I remember you
I was sixteen years old... however many years ago
I think I should remember, too

You're on the back of my mind,
and then you're on my neck
Is all we lost
truly behind us?

It was years ago,
you left me in the cold,
but I remember you
I was sixteen years old,
and yet I should have known
Will I ever remember, too?

If you're my hero
why did you let me down?
You really shouldn't be here
If you're my hero
why was I on the ground?
You got what you wanted

You’re on the back of my mind
when they’re on my neck
All of this because
of a broken, silent promise

we were only kids
thirteen and twelve
you'll never understand the grief you caused--
i lost myself

adrift in a world of nightmares flashing always, never ceasing
you had me on the run
from everything that i was thinking, wanting, feeling

tracking calories and body weight to regain control
spiraled into darkness with drugs and alcohol

my head is and was and always will be such a mess
i swear i screamed out NO but all you heard was Yes

~

what the **** happened to you

and, more importantly,

what happened to me?

Don’t you dare tell me it’s love,
don’t you dare tell me it’s “just life”,
when you’ve never carried the weight of choice,
when you’ve never had hands force themselves,
when you’ve never looked at your own body and felt—
disgust, betrayal, rage—
for something that was never yours to begin with.
You’ve never been thirteen, shaking in a cold clinic waiting room,
heart hammering with fear that the world will hate you,
body carved open by guilt, by doubt,
the shame tattooed like a brand on your skin.
And you think you know what love is?
You never see the hidden scars,
the marks left by hands uninvited,
by voices saying “boys will be boys” while my voice is silenced,
a whisper swallowed by the same mouths that judge me
for what they took.
Is that justice? Is that your idea of freedom?

You sit in leather,
sign your names on paper
that ultimately becomes chains,
binding bodies you will never know,
dictating futures you will never know.
you preach protection,
you wrap us in a lie called love,
while you slice away autonomy,
carve out dignity,
turn our pain into a headline,
our lives into statistics.
you do not know what it’s like to flinch,
to walk home at night with keys clenched tight
like weapons, like armor,
you do not know what it’s like to wonder
if you’ll be believed,
if justice even has a name,
if freedom even has a face.

And then they shake and cross your boundaries
Seem so fragile you don’t dare to breath it in
But you don’t wanna break their limbs
Neither keep them upon your skin

It takes up space in all the wrong ways
Evaporates
The price that I pay
It’s alright that I change
It’s alright that you stay

The feast began when I was eight
I remember the mildewed room
I could hear my mother down the hall
With the poisons she consumed
Laughing, oblivious

I remember the nails that grazed down my back
As i tried to concentrate on her soothing laugh
I remember trying to leave afterward
To the door, still open a crack

I didn’t dare acknowledge it
The beast cowered beneath my blanket
And hid itself from view
It’s claws that night were bloodied with my youth

The meal continued at the age of 11
Shopping at a nearby strip mall
The beasts eyes followed me through the aisles,
Hunting me, when I was still so small

Once I was cornered, it spoke to me
Loud and roaring
I recoiled back
I didn’t dare acknowledge it, I ran
and it laughed with the rest of its pack

The gourmet carried on at the age of 15
When a too familiar hand caressed my sisters leg
The only sounds that night were her screams, and then my fury
And then my beg
We had to acknowledge the beast then

The feast persisted well past maturity
And now i age day by day
I still feel their eyes
But their claws seek younger prey