Forgiveness, to forgive                    (for me)
Is essentially subtle- to a fault,
Beautifully it's practiced,
Yet inherently mistaught:
To ask of anything more
From the person you've done wrong
Is blatantly selfish, at its core
Pressuring them along.

Unless exactly, specific and honestly, you reiterate once more.
All the reasons which you petition forgiveness
And what you're sorry for:


To draw conclusions, assumptions and things, without the facts in place-
Was to right out start off in
an Unreasonable head space.
Furthermore, my tone of voice
And the disrespect it achieved
Is not what you- Alena, not at all
From me; should've ever recieved.

Lastly, explicitly I have to say;
I'm sorry for my aggressive words.
And the fact I reacted that way is
absurd
A retort- as a minuet or two, voice note
Deserved the block- and what you wrote.

I'm sorry about this- discrepancy
I actually enjoyed you working with me.
I'll leave this here for you to find, &
Hope these words were worth your time.
When you read, know these are sincere; my apologies- true.
Not just mere pretty, fluffy words for you.

Poetry's something I, almost know, you appreciate~ so heres an apologistic-free vers hyphenate.

Someone told me to stop asking for attention
I wasn't asking for attention
but for help.

So I deleted my ambition
I sat still and just listened to what they said.

A pathetic excuse for a person calling people, normal beautiful people
Pathetic excuses for people

Holding my breath
Count to ten
Stop trying to get so much attention

I'll keep apologizing for trying to be me
So I'm sorry I don't fit in your box
I'm sorry for what I didn't think was wrong

Hold my breath
Holding till you can't breathe
Maybe that will teach you

Someone told me to stop.
But you were the one that told me to start.

And god if you tell me to shut up ever again-
I'll probably just apologize

Maybe it's not right
Maybe it's not fair
Maybe you should be the one sitting here hurting
Maybe I ought to tell you that it hurts when you say those things.

But you probably won't care
You'll slam the door right there
Slam the door in my face
Tell me I'm such a disgrace

So I'll apologize
To you
For bringing me into this world.
Because I deserve better parents then you

~
infinitude (noun): the state, the quality of being without limit, infinite

    
        ~
drew first breath, woken to the heart’s rpm thankless task,

conscious aware, that solved proofs deny infinitude,

yet, triumvirate of five senses, brain waving,
a steadying thumping heart,

all asking why not?

can I will it?

the body’s parts convene, debating furious, some claiming
a sell-by-date cellular programmed, nothing to be done,
dimming of the day, a human necessity, the self-salvaging process

but a single cell, a mouse-sized squeaker, boldface stuns,
”feed me, moisturize, give me sleep + blue blood nourishment,
I’m good to go in a forever Iditarod!”

the others ashamed of their festival of fear, knowing well
what has gone before, dreaming thoughts of infinitude, go silent,

while “why not?”
lingers in the lungs, the breathable shared, atmosphere,

the senses spread the quest to every remote province,
with each continuing a chant grows ever louder,
a millennium of poems concealed, yet awaiting conception,
all entitled,
“why not”reverberating.

<+>
7:36am 2022020
nyc everywhere

Me?
Oh, I'm nothing
I wouldn't even say as nothing as a rock, as a spec of dust, as a worm, as an atom
Because that's still something

But you
You, you, you, you, you
You asked me to tell you something about myself
You who is more than something in my eyes

You are something amazing, gorgeous, bright, exhilarating, lovely, astonishing

You gave me something by asking
Something by looking
By touching
By hearing
By-
By God, by something!
Something!

I'm nothing, but you asked, so I must be something

What I have asked to Allah ??
I don't even remember it..
I only know that everything I need is always available..

Maybe I change my point of view when I asking before..

I ask everyday, but you never come..
Until I am tired for ask..
I thought it will become hope that never exist..
I feel it just wishes..

Suddenly,
I am trying to make one more ask..
I ask only one sentence,
but he is really come more faster than I thought..

I don't even know,
What kind of word that I want to pray right now..

Dear Inquirer,

Thank you for your beautiful expressions.
Asking about opportunities and possibilities.

Love is full in my life.
Experience and expression flows from my heart
From the imperfect experiences
Expressing a desire for something more
To raise the vibrations of lower emotions
Discovering how to embrace a higher light.

I am blessed with a husband who is imperfect
He challenges me to grow within our love.
By understanding the underlying needs
Echoed through his imperfections.

These roots of our yearnings
Reveal a child neglected.
A child conditionally loved.
A child buried within the man
Who desires to give and receive love.  

Yet because of his imperfections
Expression can be awkward, at times.
His child who mirrors so perfectly
My own imperfect inner child.

Through the ups and downs
We agreed to keep a promise.
That no challenge, no issues
Will ever be more important
Than our hearts desire to
Learn and grow deeper in love.

So we journey together along the road.
We bump into our hurt feelings and misunderstandings...
The very opportunities within our garden
That bloom into greater wisdom and undying love.

Long ago when our love was young
It was necessary to put our pride aside.
As the fire of anger roared
He taught me how to open my  arms.

Together in an embrace.....
We breathe ....
Until the hammering stress subsides.......
Calming, cradling our pain.  

Together, in turn, we explore:
What do I need to understand, right now, in this moment?
What was my trigger? Who or what am I reacting to?
And the pieces of the puzzle fall together.
Our Promise remembered.
Our promise fulfilled, once more.

Over the years
Our wisdom and love grows
Knowing 90% of our anger
Is from our hurt and sadness, rooted in the past.
10% from our protective ego's, "How dare you!!"
Aimed at the teacher, my mirror, my love, my companion
Who is but keeping his role, very well.
As we bump into each other
To dance with the shadow within, each of us.
We step into the darkness with faith
To find our courage and embrace
Our lesson wisdom and Light.

Dear Inquirer,
I am grateful to be loved unconditionally
I wish for you this beautiful form
Of ever growing unconditional love and joy.
May it bring you adventures
Deep appreciation and a beautiful growing
Courageous love, in this lifetime.
Please, count me among the ones
Who hold this blessed prayer for you.

With Best Regards,
Keiya