i'm tired of defending myself.
the things I do or don't do.
sick of explaining the way I'm feeling
and the reason behind my means to cope.
the less fight I put up,
the more attacked I feel.

I don't want to talk
because you don't like the things I have to say.
They're too negative
or I don't say them with enough zest.

I vent to you and I can see the hurt it causes.
I hold it in and I seem short.
What is the use.
I try, only to have the worst assumed of my good intentions:
"Don't make a thing out of this (you argumentative *****)."
So maybe I should quit trying so **** hard
(if i'm just going to end up wrong either way).


******* out of here.
I'm sick of being sorry.
(I'm allowed to have off days too.)

Sleeves of scars
and a garter of silver lines and burns
oh the hurt I've endured
Seated by the fire as a child
Lord knows I've had thoughts like this for a while
I'd dwell on the discretion I took
brooding over every hook that snagged my flesh
made a mess
of the little girl I never was
and they who shook me
pet me from the inside out
must have forgotten to what degree
their consumptive hands made me bleed
God how I wish they could see
every stain left with or without cause
was provoked by their nostalgic applause
but I don't even blame them
It was a conscious disease
perniciously eating
still chewing at me.

Round 1:
MIND " You can't be doing this to me again. Falling for another person, a person who's not worth it. You may think the heart has healed but I swear every inch of this Body Hasn't, I'm tired of these tears of the cries really its ******* me over, I don't have the strength to numb your heart once you decide to do this again, for once follow me, please"

THE HEART
" No matter what happens if you follow the mind you'll be hurting knowing they aren't yours and they could never be"

Round 2:
Mind: "Allow me to remind you of what last happened. At night you cried yourself to sleep or drugged yourself. You woke up and your surroundings were dark. You slacked off your studies and resorted to drink your **** away. Remember when mummy first caught you? Remember the look of pain and fear that she gave you? You became what haunted her most nights."

Heart: "I'm sorry. I'm hurting you but what can I do? If I push these emotions away then I'm just hurting you more. I don't know what you want me to do"

Round 3
Mind: "I'm done fighting. What the heart wants is what it gets. I'm tired and still in shock from the last event. What makes you so sure we'll survive the next one?"

Heart: " Life consists of pain. Can we just enjoy the sweet moment before they turn sour?"

Conclusion:...

i. you will forget the way his voice sounds and it will be okay
ii. your mum is your best friend, regardless of who else is there for you at the time.
iii. do not get drunk and call him and tell him you miss him, because he won’t come back.
iv. **** your pride. if you’re wrong, admit it, if you ****** up, apologise. your pride isn’t worth losing someone.
v. school is important, **** it up and make time for studying.
vi. chase after your dreams.
vii. just because he stopped loving you doesn’t mean you should stop loving yourself.
viii. your teachers are on your side. respect them.

The things
I have done
For you
Cannot be counted
On two hands

And neither
Can the times
You have let me down

The times I have
Forgiven you
Cannot be counted
With the hairs
On my head

And neither
Can the times
You didn’t deserve
My forgiveness

The times I have
Seen goodness
In your eyes
Cannot be counted
With the freckles
On my skin

And neither
Can the times
You took my
Second chances
For granted

The times I have
Wanted to say goodbye
Can be counted
On one hand

And the times
I actually will
Can be counted on

One finger

i am not sorry
for the times i tried to hold your hand
only to have you push me away.
i will not apologize
for the moments that i spent
sleeping on your porch
knocking at your door
begging you for something more.

i did not want to be a passing craze.
a seasonal fashion statement.
the tweed coat clinging to your chilly ribs.
i was supposed to be eternal,
i was going to serve my time.

a lifetime
of all the times i'll never say i'm sorry
for the ways i could never let you go.
for the drunken nights of
"i just had to let you know"
150 character texts,
i am not sorry i got so desperate
there at the end.

i will not apologize for your tireless hole,
or your insatiable itch.
i will not apologize for my inability
to fulfill any of it.