i am not sorry
for the times i tried to hold your hand
only to have you push me away.
i will not apologize
for the moments that i spent
sleeping on your porch
knocking at your door
begging you for something more.

i did not want to be a passing craze.
a seasonal fashion statement.
the tweed coat clinging to your chilly ribs.
i was supposed to be eternal,
i was going to serve my time.

a lifetime
of all the times i'll never say i'm sorry
for the ways i could never let you go.
for the drunken nights of
"i just had to let you know"
150 character texts,
i am not sorry i got so desperate
there at the end.

i will not apologize for your tireless hole,
or your insatiable itch.
i will not apologize for my inability
to fulfill any of it.

But eventually, at some point
you will fade away.

and what happened here will
no longer matter.

There will be no evidence of
betrayal
lust
sin
anxiety
worry  
or anything else.

So why give this importance
instead of everything else?

It's about loving what is in front of you-
nothing else.

We see people everyday we'll never see again.
Why put it all on me?
Why not love anyone of them?

I can't undo what I did,
I would do it again.
The importance of all of it you might never understand.
But that's for you to discover now,
as I can't and won't
hold your hand.
Sorry To Be A Let Down,
but as it is
I am what I am.

i. (kc) was the catalyst
the first to convince me that I could be loved
and the only one to make me believe I was capable of loving back
...for about two weeks.

ii. then (jt) arrived
popular
suave
and dorkily crushing on the one girl who couldn't return his affections.
but it wasn't until the first time I heard my name and 'beautiful' in the same sentence
that i realized there might be faultlines in my heart
shaking the love out of my body like lunch money from a scrawny kid's pockets.

iii. the first time i broke someone
the process was anything but (sl)ow
and it was then that i realized
i was getting too comfortable sleeping with regret, curled up like a black cat beside me.

iv. fortunately for me
(je) had 20/20 vision.
he saw through the mask, forced me to face myself until i couldn't help but punch my own reflection
and though his words almost convinced me that i could be saved
his empty stare reminded me that i wasn't worth the trouble.

v. looking back, the initials should've warned me
that he would be the (ss) to our sinking ship,
that we were fated to drown.
but he was coldstronghard as metal
and it took me a two years, one month, and one day
to learn that even silver can be tarnished.

vi. the name was fitting, i guess.
(jr) was finer than any greek hero
and were he a god, I would've named the planets after him too.
he was as reckless as the roman empire
scratching himself on the thorns of my soul just to find something worth saving.
was it because of compassion or guilt or shame
that I put Ariadne's string in his hands
so he could navigate his way out
and run for his life.
maybe it was because
I was so used to the echoes in my head
IendeditIendeditIendedit
that through the tears, I still managed to smile at the words
he ended it.

The ones that were left behind
Began to kick at my shins
And they bled and bruised blue
But all that fell were tears
And my apologies

Forgive me, I've been a stranger
But deep down I've drowned
And coming up for air is a hassle
But I'm still watching from afar

Please wait for me
Please don't look at me like that
Please hear me when I say these
Two words, tumbling out like
******* birds, thirsty for the taste
Of cotton candy clouds

And please accept me,
Those not-so-forgotten friends of mine

i'm trying to fix my relationships with
the things that i say i hate
i love you, allergies.
thank you for
letting me know when the seasons are changing
i love you, split ends
thank you for
telling me i need a haircut
i love you, sore throat
thank you for
making me stop screaming
i love you, ****** internet
thank you for
making me go outside
i love you, mommy
thank you for
everything
i love you, girl he cheated with
thank you for
making me realize i wasn't the first choice
and i love you, baby
thank you for
breaking my heart

apologies are nothing
but lifeless letters until you breathe meaning
into the spaces between each and every word

My apologies to chance for calling it necessity.
My apologies to necessity if I'm mistaken, after all.
Please, don't be angry, happiness, that I take you as my due.
May my dead be patient with the way my memories fade.
My apologies to time for all the world I overlook each second.
My apologies to past loves for thinking that the latest is the first.
Forgive me, distant wars, for bringing flowers home.
Forgive me, open wounds, for pricking my finger.
I apologize for my record of minuets to those who cry from the depths.
I apologize to those who wait in railway stations for being asleep today at five a.m.
Pardon me, hounded hope, for laughing from time to time.
Pardon me, deserts, that I don't rush to you bearing a spoonful of water.
And you, falcon, unchanging year after year, always in the same cage,
your gaze always fixed on the same point in space,
forgive me, even if it turns out you were stuffed.
My apologies to the felled tree for the table's four legs.
My apologies to great questions for small answers.
Truth, please don't pay me much attention.
Dignity, please be magnanimous.
Bear with me, O mystery of existence, as I pluck the occasional thread from your train.
Soul, don't take offense that I've only got you now and then.
My apologies to everything that I can't be everywhere at once.
My apologies to everyone that I can't be each woman and each man.
I know I won't be justified as long as I live,
since I myself stand in my own way.
Don't bear me ill will, speech, that I borrow weighty words,
then labor heavily so that they may seem light.

You're a reckless girl,
Let's use some common sense,
*** let's speak in future tense
of who you're turning out to be,
I hope you realize
That ***** you'll ruin lives,
You told me I should die,
And you won't even apologize