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Lela May 2021
I just feel dizy
Where all the time go
Nothing is logical and I've lot the sense of purpose
And even though
I'm still a human
My body makes me feel like I'm just a reject
Reject of stars
Reject of life
Nothing  is logical and I've lost the sense of purpose
My body's flying
But I stay put down
Is this really the end of my existance?
Who even are we?
Lela Dec 2020
I washed the hoodie you left at my house.
I put it in my laundry machine and pressed start. I watched it as the smell of you forever leaves it’s fabric. All of the feelings I buried deep down inside me are gone.
It no longer holds any power over me, I no longer treat it as an enemy.
Now it’s just a piece of clothing that used to be yours
It doesn’t bring memories anymore
It is just a simple hoodie that used to be yours.

I don't sleep in it anymore. I don't keep it close to me as if it is going to protect me when the bad times come. Right now I see it only as a piece of clothing and nothing else. I am at peace with an object that never even knew I had so many feeling towards it.
It is just
a stupid

I let go of my claim on you
I am free.

It was itchy anyways.
Lela Dec 2020
Because it’s not only “I want to **** myself”
Sometimes it’s so much more than that
Because saying that you want to **** yourself
Or to be
Is scary

Sometimes it may be sleeping way too much
Or eating less than you should
Or not caring about anything or anyone

Sometimes it’s the need to be alone even though you crave someone so badly
Or staring at a blank wall for an hour
Or not having enough tears left to cry

They say if you wanted to **** yourself you would just do it
But there still is a little bit of hope in my heart
I still believe than someone might help me
But I’m too afraid to ask

It’s so **** stupid
If I have literally nothing to lose
If my life is worth so little to me right now
Why don’t I just try

Its because my brain has already given up
But my heart’s still beating
And it won’t stop until my brain shuts it out
Lela Aug 2020
I want to grow old to see how my life will evolve
But at the same time I want to die young so I dont have to look back and wonder how my life would've turnt out if I did the things I never had the courage to do
I want my grandkids to be interested in all the stories I tell
But what If i won't have any?

If I died today, what would I be remebered by?
As the girl who never looked back or a girl who did everything she felt was right?
Lela Jun 2020
I thought my ears will forever forget the sound of your voice
But accidents happen
And now I no longer know what to believe
I used to think that when the day we meet finally comes I will be scared shitless not knowing what to do

But I am calm now
Because when I think of the things you did to me I realise that you were just a lesson
A tough one, I must admit but I learned a lot
And I hope you did too

Farwell, old friend
This time for good
Because I no longer am your student
Lela May 2020
Sometimes I wonder if what I'm feeling is happiness or just being less sad
Because I forgot what happy means
It's like happiness is my uncle that I see only once a year on christmas and I only say hi because I'm to scared to star a conversation because I wouldn't know what to talk about

How do I talk to a person I have nothing in common with and
why am I supposed to be the one to start the conversation?

I can't wrap my head around the fact that some poeple are mentally stable and just go about their day when they wake up without crying after the alarm rings
Why can't I be one of them?

When I was younger my parents would read me stories about magic and fairies. They told me it's not real but I still wanted to believe.
Now when people tell me it's going to get better I just stuff these words where the memories of me wanting to be a fairy are

Far away
Because I am no longer a child
and I don't believe in something that doesn't exist
Lela May 2020
I am so mad that I have to live in a world where
**** jokes are funny
catcalling is normal
touching with no permission is not a big deal
and where boys complain that they have to ask for consent
But feminism is bad, right?
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