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Ronin Jul 2020
You tell me
I’m not that skinny
My BMI tells me
I’m way too skinny
You tell me
My waist isn’t that small
The internet tells me
My waist is small enough for modeling
You tell me
Everyone has size 2
Research tells me
The average size is size 12
You tell me
I’m not enough
Yet too much

I tell myself
I’m not enough
Yet too much.
boy Jun 2020
1,000 calories

the sickness comes bearing gifts. we smile. we laugh. we're told not to worry about the problems growing within, only the problem of lying correctly.

800 calories

the kidnapper promises us a never ending paradise. we're intrigued and let us be taken away. forgetting our past and erasing our future.
the fairies lie and say that the kidnapper is a fraud. the kidnapper taught us self control. we plug our ears and listen to the lullaby in place of the fairies.

500 calories

the sky falls apart. only a green screen, was it? natures beauty is rotting. we're surprised but savior has taught us that the only beauty we must worry about is our own. we plug our ears and listen to the lullaby with eyes closed.

300 calories

the lullaby grows moldy. savior taught us that ugly has no value. since the song is no longer beautiful, it has no more worth to us. we find that everything around us has rot. savior is the only beauty left in this promised land. we plug our ears, close our eyes, and promise never to give in to the disgusting power of this world. we'll be by saviors side forever.

15 calories

the savior knows deep inside that we would like to leave. but truth is, we've grown fond of the pain fed to our stomach. we love our savior and the lessons we've learned. it would be unfair to leave when the utopia we've known all these years has decayed. we trust that the pain will be bearable if it means we can hold the beauty in our palms again one day. we must stay a little longer.




.cowboy.
i haven't written in years.
Ella Grace Jun 2020
I’m hungry
Starving for a body I'll never obtain
Somebody save me from this pain
I just want to look like her

I’m running
Sprinting from a body that I’ll never outrun
How could I be so naïve?
I’ll never look like her

You don’t need breakfast or lunch
Have a glass of ice if your hungry
Was dinner too much?
Spend the next hour locked in the bathroom

I can reach my goals
Just a little longer
Who am I kidding?
I’ll never be skinny

Small thighs
Flat stomach
The scale tells me my weight
But the mirror shows me differently

I can look like her
I just need to push myself
No more calories
I’ll run more

I’ll never stop being hungry
Will never stop pinching my skin
The body I want is unattainable
But I’ll never stop trying.
Cassy Jun 2020
I know that sometimes you feel a loss when you remember the salience of your bones when your skin was as thin as paper and you even struggled to drop on a chair.
And I know that from time to time you suffer from the absence of those days when you could look at a filled plate without touching it and call this effort a meal.
And I know you often think about those afternoons when you looked so dead that you held the secret hope that someone would come to resurrect you.

But the truth is, you seem to have forgotten the days when the bruises on your skin scared you and the days when you wiped your ****** mouth wondering if you were really becoming more beautiful. Those days when you were so cold that you couldn't touch anyone without startling them and those days when you couldn't stand up without seeing a multitude of spirals swallowing the world before your eyes.

The truth is, you forget that no one came to save you.

And I realize that sometimes it's still hard and that you’re still fighting, but I can not help but notice that bright glow back in your eyes and how your gestures are firm and your cheeks colored by life. And even if you break so often that you wonder why you should bother to keep rebuilding yourself , let me tell you that putting the pieces together is much more beautiful than the mere thought of you drowning yourself in a flood of alienating negativity once again.
june ivy May 2020
Aching, alone in the moonlight
My hurtful thoughts burn just as bright.
I drift numb through waves of sorrow,
The desire to be weightless lures me further below.
It's the calm before the storm of hunger
Yet I continue to starve, my stomach protests like thunder.

Fading in and out, I'm drowning no doubt.
Floating above me are skeleton bones and thin torsos
I idolize them, while my self hatred grows.
My lungs fill with salty tears, making me bloated, accomplishing my fears.

I'm ravenous
I don't care
I say, "I'm not hungry, really, I swear!"

Standing naked and ashamed in front of the mirror.
"You look disgusting!" A nasty voice sneers.
Recovery is far, for I still utterly agree.
I'm a horrifying atrocity, don't let anybody see.

As I drift forlorn to the open abyss
I beg, just wanting self worth and bliss.
The violent waves subside,
Making me realize it's okay now if I die
But I'll say it one more time: "I'm fine."
Lexi May 2020
I will watch my ways
and keep my tongue from the delights of this world.
I will put a muzzle on my mouth
as long as she dwells within.
Show me, my life's end
and the number of my days.
Each mans life is but a breath
man is a mere phantom as he goes to and fro;
He bustles about, but only in vain.
Your invasion consumes me
You rebuke and discipline me
You **** every last breath out of me.
Slowly trapping me, until i become  no more.
Look away from me, that i may rejoice again
before i depart and am no more.
june ivy May 2020
It only took a few days for you to seep into my mind and reside in the darkest parts.
But once I knew you were there, I didn't try to rid of you.
No, you gave yourself to me and I accepted you with open arms and an empty stomach.

Like a parasite you ****** the life out of me.
You wore me down to where I napped three times a day.
My stomach never satisfied; either empty or stuffed.
My period stopped for five months.
Stomach pains worse than any pain I’ve experienced before.
Living in a constant fear that my stomach acid would burn a hole through my esophagus.

But you didn’t let any of these ailments stop us.
You taught me to embrace them, they needed to happen.
You convinced me to enjoy the pain I inflicted to myself.
Just collateral damage to the ultimate goal of thinness.
You pushed me so far deep inside my head, I was separated from the shell of my body.
I couldn't recognize myself, I deserved to be nobody.
But I didn’t know that then, you told me that was exactly who I was supposed to be, the real me.

And I believed you.
none May 2020
darling, I miss you
in ways I wish I could
portray fully. as they say,
true love is shown through
actions-not words.

I miss your violent sweetness
tearing through my stomach
kindly molding me
into our perfect image.

I crave your airy touch-
on protruding bones,
bulging veins.
and holding my heart
while it flutters.

I will win you back
through splatter on ceramic tile
furious punching of numbers,
sleeping in tremors
and waking in dizzy euphoria.

please, I need you
render me empty
deconstruct my body
to put together anew
once more

You have always told me
"you are nothing without me"

.....

and oh god,
you were right.
Her May 2020
in group therapy
they asked me
when was the last time
i can remember loving my body

i thought about it
for a few moments
was it when
i was in bed with a
random man at the bar
or the time
i won over a man i thought i needed
or what about that one time
i finally fit into a size 3 jeans

no no no
it was not any of those

the last time i can remember
loving my body
was the summer i turned 7
it was a hot summer day
my sister and mother
took me on the ferris wheel
and i was petrified

i did not care to be scared
or show that i was scared
i did not care to live freely
but we all know that does not last forever
life takes over
and
bad things happen
and men take advantage of our bodies
thinking they can own anything
even a little girls body

i think through all of this
over and over
before speaking the words
i cannot remember
the last time i loved my body
Owen Apr 2020
The love hate relationship with food,
is so strong. It consumes your life. It is on your mind every second of the day. It becomes your only reason for it all. The only source of contentment, but also the source of your fear, your self hatred, you want it so bad but you abstain because you're scared of the guilt and the consequences you will subject yourself too. To earn your right to feel happy. You impulsively exercise to extremes. And your peers will applaud your dying body.  You have to keep the routine because without it  you are terrified of the free time without focus, because the cycle of hunger and hate will set in. Society has convinced you you're not worthy of love unless you are a *******. If my peers knew the state of my mind they'd ridicule me for not being manly. There are moments, everyday, when you spectate a battle of reason and anxiety in your head.
And all the while you're on a timer. Counting down as your heart rate slows, organs strain and cease, friends drift away from your inability to pretend you're ok, and you are left alone and family beg for your sanity, because you inconvenience them. Everyday, ending it all seems the best solution, but you know better than most, how hard you are to ****. You're also a coward. If there is no intervention you will die, slowly, but assuredly you will. You have the final say.
I wrote this when I was 18 when I was having the good ol battle of reason with my self. I thank myself everyday for having finally won that battle to see the light in this world.
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