i'm rewriting my past
and rebuilding my mind;
i've been killing myself
just to feel alive,
but it doesn't work anymore.
so i'm learning to dream,
and it's hard to believe,
but i don't really want to die.
i'm rewriting my past
and letting my fears go;
i've been killing myself
just to feel alive,
but that's not who i am
anymore.

the covers reeked of future snitches that have walked hand-in-hand to faraway plateaus,
though you still lingered around the bedsheet covers and covered yourself up a few times on some sinew.
though even in your clothes that danced in the forefathers of our black hues, black skies and distant melodies.
our rhythms were patterned,
constructed on symphonies that were all for someone else's and not for both of us.

scooting farther though your hair is just a tickle away
we were abounded on this journey, not for love but for mercy
because the Gods inside of us wanted for some sacrilegious handshakes that lasted like never. claymores that we detonated not by mistake but because that's how we work.
we explode, here, there, somewhere and everywhere.

and our fragile remnants, broken bits and irregular jigsaw puzzles weren't patched on our totality
but because on day one He proclaimed that we were too far for Paris' synergy and you could say that, 'we were just lab rats on the name of a pitiful love.'

but, promise me.
that on the Hereafter of our ethereal love that never wanted plastics to seek,
for cigarette sticks burning with menthol spices to speak,
that we'd never allow hotel rooms to touch and witness another horrid circumstance as this.
because we shrugged our shoulders at the lobby of our tinkles and solitaire games that 'we'd please,'

no one but us.

well, the Gods lied.
and they haven't spoken any words of their own.
maybe, they died somewhere on the coasts of later yesterday rides
because we were too fast.

Sorry, mom says I can’t
kiss you - even with grape,
Lysol, safety lipstick  =/

Harsh pandemic facts
and parents stand against us.
What a hazardous waste!

My love, I will be here.
I will be here on nights that all you wanna do is cry and all I wanna do is watch you because I enjoy seeing you in pain.
If I could only take more pain possible and let it wreck you from the inside out every night, I would.
I will be with you on days that feels like weeks
and I will try to make the days feel like years instead.
If I could only shove the sun aside and bring forth darkness to your daylight, I would.
I will stay and sit with you through the dark
so I can make sure that you wouldn't find the switch before I do. The only light you'll ever need is the one you'll see in the end of my wrath's tunnel.
I will protect you until the end
from finding your happiness. You are safe enough inside the cage of my pain,
I will not let go of you,
where do you think you'll go other than here in our bed of daggers made from your remorse and my resentment?
I will hold you closer with the strongest grip of my now unable hand everytime.

There's nothing you can ever do to lose me,
as much as there's nothing I can ever do to love and trust you again.
Being with you, I knew I've brought this upon myself.
Messing with me, you never knew you're gonna see this coming, knocking you from your senses.

Through the gloom and in bloom,
for worse and for the worst,
for richer and for poorer
In sickness and in madness,
to hate and wait for you to perish
everyday we'll crush each other's hearts
I promise even death won't keep us apart.

💍

I’m not sure what got me more—
the denial or the apathy,
when you said,
“That’s just you
being a lazy teenager,”
or when she said,
“Okay.
If you really wanna pay for it.”

Anticlimactic moments
but after working up to it,
should I have
expected anything differently?
After all the angst
and the put on confidence,
it just resulted in that,
and now I’ll go see
if there’s relief
to be found in a professional.

i never got to love him—
i never got to love the man who would cause a botanical garden to grow in my stomach.
vines to grow throughout my lungs until flowers sprouted from my lips.
the thorns grew thick and wrapped around my vocal cords.
that’s why when you left i couldn’t speak,
i couldn’t say anything to make you stay.
therefore, i picked all the flowers, softly from my lips,
as a final farewell—
a few daisies to remember me by.

i want to stand in torrential storms and scream
until my lungs become ash and the rain has eroded the world around me
~who wants to join?

the prophecy i made for myself all those years ago has not yet prevailed

my own maze of a mind the culprit keeping it from setting sail

my eyes sting and are almost as empty as the hole in my heart

the pit of what used to be childhood innocence has turned into a mirrorless counterpart

each path seems to lead to everything but the love and success that was promised

where i lay unmoving is an uncomfortable reflection of my life that is a novice

my skin is almost as scarred as my view of life on earth

each battering glance another slash that has permanently imprinted on my worth

every tear that falls seems to soak my soul with some sort of feel

when night falls my blurred vision spins the death wheel

if only i could count the number of fingerprints on my noose

but i turn a blind eye as the devil and i have seemed to have made a truce  

when the moon falls my skin goes numb with spiders crawling through my veins

circling around each thought that my mess of a mind contains

i've accepted my lips will stay cold and loveless as my time on land decreases

no one cares to mess with the remains of such broken pieces

the whispers flow into my ears and do nothing but wrap and compress my nerves

maybe in the next life, someone will hold me tight and trace all of my curves

but here every breath means another day in which rejection compresses my soul

so maybe i should begin my long list of regrets on a tear-stained scroll

You are exploding, beating inside of me
Whenever we see she has answered our messages
My thoughts are clouded by the strength of you
I tried to tell you "calm down" but you are too drawn in
You are obsessed
My every waking moment
Thinking of her with a smile on my face
So happy I want to scream, I try putting our happiness into words
But when I think, I understand one thing
Someday you will break
The day will come when you shatter
We never felt this way
About anybody else
It's dangerous, my poor heart
You will eventually fail
She will find someone better
And it will just go downhill
So stop your excitement
Don't force me to write so many words
Don't bug her so much for attention
Don't talk about her every day
Don't ask to fix minor problems
Someday you will shatter
We can't take no more
Don't be so drawn in my heart
Because my head foresees
Someday
It will once again
Be
just you and me

i still do not know
whether i am a void of feelings
or just a child who shut the door to his pain.