She got me craving for her when she’s absent
She got me speaking love in a different accent
She got me thinking attention is what love meant
But now I know all it meant was the Cent.

I said I won't let my demons haunt me
And every day, I lie to myself
Saying I'm getting better.

I address the problems
That only seems to affect the surface.
I ignore the underlying issue,
that I refuse to bring up from my inner hell.

I'm ignoring a part of myself,
That monster that wants to destroy
Everything in its path.

I'm ignoring a part of myself,
The monster, who's an addict.

I try to keep the beast away,
And somehow, he tempts me.

I've been sober for years,
Yet there's one voice in my head
That tells me to stop resisting temptation.

The monster in my mind,
Tells me, "Just one more time."

I want to run away.
Yet I can't seem to escape him.
Not this time.

The monster is always there,
In my head, haunting me.

I won't let him win.

Dear diary, it's been two years since I last wrote to you.

I'm still an addict,
at least in my head.

My self-destructive tendencies,
Fed by the monster who wants me dead,
Will lead me down a dark path,
If I don't do something now.

I'm treading a fine line.
One misstep and I lose everything
I fought to live for.

One misstep, and I lose the ones I love.

I can't let him win.

Dear diary, I can't take this anymore.
I'm finally admitting that I need help.

Welcome to AA. Also known as Addicts anonymous
Well, hi I’m Jetzael, and I have an addictive personality. But you can call me jet. It started about 4 years ago with small things.
You know, from the things I ate to the seats I took.
But then my addictive personality escalated to people. But let me explain to you how my addiction with people worked… or works.
Itll start of by needing to take a glance at you. That would fulfill my high. Then I needed a simple hello until I needed a hug, a conversation, lunch every day, a seat next to you, it never stopped! My addiction with you never stopped, it just kept growing.
And when my high wore off, you didn’t get out of my head. What were you doing? Were you happy? Did you need something? Are you mad, sad, frustrated? Are you okay? … am I okay?
All I could ever think about, was you.
And we all know here, addictions never end in a good high.
So it got to the point where my questions turned from were you okay? To was I ever gonna be.
I went through the withdrawal. All alone. All the restless tearful nights until I got high again. Not by you though. But her name was oxycodone, with her friends Percocet and codeine.
They became my best friends. They always distracted me from you until I got tired of them, because you… pff… you gave me highs that codeine could never. But then came along all the restless, nauseous, and chilly nights until they all got out of my system. Why? Because I was growing an addiction for you… again. Would you still like me this way? Would you support my ways? But the one question that kept me up all night was, did you still love me?
At least just a little bit?
But then my old home-girl came through, Maryjane. And numbed my mind away from all the questions and thoughts that existed about you.
She would smoke me out every day, before the sun was even two minutes into his 12-hour shift.
We would be numb the whole day so I never had the chance of thinking about you. Couple of months went by, but if you wanna be exact, my addictive personality could tell you how many months, days, hours, minutes and seconds it was. But that’s unnecessary.
I mean, all my highs were starting to let me forget your scent, touch, words, even your face.
But then you crossed me again, and all those things I thought I forgot about you, rushed back into my head faster than any other drug that existed.
So here I am again, craving highs, not from oxy, perc, codeine or marijuana,
but from you.

My neighbor said:

"Make sure she is on her side so that she doesn't choke on her tongue"
And I giggled. I laughed.
He didn't.
Oh, he wasn't kidding
So I turned her on her side

I was 11.

My mom overdosed on pills in the front lawn
I stood there in disbelief.
I called 911

"yes, hello, the address is 3435 Park Ave.....its.....its my mother.....she fell down the front steps and she is shaking, she's seizing, and she won't stop....she needs help....yes please, hurry."

And I wait and I wait and I wait and I am standing there.

My dad is approaching. He is walking home from the train stop.
He doesn't see sirens at first. He is walking. And I see him notice the sirens and he sprints to me. We don't hug. He know what is happening before I do and I have been there for 45 minutes.

They stay at the hospital for days. She is on suicide watch. But it's just an accident, she just mixed the wrong pills. She didn't want to die. But she did. She did. I know that now.


She wanted to leave me behind.