She was a shipwreck
Her body couldn’t handle
The sorrowful sea
And board by board
The tide took her away
From me

in sleepless nights
why do you want everything to hurt
when you could alleviate your pain
you sulk through the days
not caring who you've damaged
your pain is your burden
but you carry it so well
retrieve the memories of me
remember you and I
we didn't harbor pain
but you couldn't bear the harmony
so you cut the strings
and damaged the chords
our symphony's shriveled sound
no longer beat to our drums
your heart had changed tunes
but why is all I've ever asked
would you rather lay in a casket
surrounded by roses
than in the tall grass
on summer days
staring back at me

In a parallel universe you’re still alive
In a parallel universe i called you first
In a parallel universe i wasn’t  so proud
In a parallel universe we´re still together

In a parallel universe you didn’t die,
you’re still with me,
and last week i managed to make that stupid call,
I told you how much i missed you
and that i was worried about you
you answered with your usual indiferent and detached tone of voice
and told me not to worry,
that everything was fine,

I guess that’s why we where so perfect together
We trusted no one and never share too much
But even in the shallow talks
We knew how much we meant to eachother

In a parallel universe,
we would have made plans for the weekend
we would have bought some beers
and talk about men

In a parallel universe you never left

I no longer cared about sweaty palms,
After I felt her hands
I would catch every disease just to hold on
It no longer mattered. Only she mattered.

Everything but my hand, a void
My body, space;
My hand, the earth;
Her fingers, the sun.

That hand taught me how to live.
Nothing past had mattered
The thing that mattered was this hands owner
Not even the voice that wanted to let go and run.

Following up her goose bumped arm
To a dress that made summer jealous,
Skin that beat fresh snow
And hair like autumn trees.

If mother earth was real
Her real plan was this girl
The sky was made to reflect of her eyes
Then bounce into my soul.

The only time the horde in my brain halted
And the fleet in my stomach retreated
To think the best medicine could be a human
She threw all the pills out the window

Pain killers came through kisses,
The psychotic moods gone with hugs,
Vocal novacane caught tears
And the only sickness was love

Now without her.
Its withdrawal of happiness
Human touch now words on a page
Love hidden under the bed.

i am -
i am homesick for a person who
left when i forced him to leave,
pushing him out the door,
arms shaking,
tears cracking in the back of my throat,
and i hope i don't ruin you
when i know you will ruin me

and now - now it is
too late at night and
i hope the moon is not my only friend
because he has forgotten me
for a girl with ginger hair and a scar above her lip
who is just like me,
except that she's thin and vegan and doesn't like harry potter

and i -
i am convincing myself not to send text messages
i should have sent
before my eyes turned ancient with the ache
of heartbreak and he
refused to look at them.

messages i should have sent

2:14 am, day one
i miss you

3:23 am, day two
i still miss you
3: 24 am, day two
**** why did i make you go

6: 25 pm, one week later
do you remember when i thought
you hated me and when you thought
i hated you? that was
all lies.
is it still a lie?

6:26 pm, one month later
can we
still be friends? it's so hard to see you
in the hallway without
bursting
into
tears
and
flames.

12:01 am, three months later
halloween doesn't
taste the same and
sugar is more sour and sweet and the
moonlight dancing across the haunted street
is not beautiful to me anymore
because you are not apart of this.

4:34 am, seven months later
it is
the day of love and we spoke
for the first time in person since the
school dance a few months ago and my
heart
hurts so badly

3:57 am, eight months later
i am trying to love new people, better
people, and he tells me i am the world
to him but i
don't want him to love me because
he's
not
you

2:31 am, nine months later
i put you first, i always ******* put you
first, and i never made you feel a ****
thing.
2:33 am, nine months later
i still ******* miss you.
******* it.

now
i am trying to convince myself
i don't love you anymore
but it's growing so difficult because
                                                 because
maybe i still do
and i don't want to, i don't want this, i don't want him.
i don't.

he ignores me without reason
and does not try to be
my friend
and does not
look me in the eye

and he is the tear in my heart.

so, hello again,    
                        poetry.
will you be my lover now?

sweet love? what is that? it sounds like **** to me. i don’t want superficial i want raw. i want you open and honest and i want your bleeding knuckles from where you’ve punched the wall too many times in frustration over me and be loud. be ******* loud okay don’t shower me in rose petals and whisper in my ear that you love me, scream it out to the world when we are high and on a rooftop at 4:28 on some april morning. and don’t buy me flowers, don’t ******* buy me flowers or earrings or silver chains, instead buy me the wire and tools i need to see inside your brain and pull you apart are you will me until there is nothing left of us and we are broken, so so broken that it’s all we can do just to love and fight and love and fight and if it doesn't work out then **** the universe because god knows we tried

You're a one night stand
But we spent too many nights
I lost count of it.

You're that unexpected kiss
On a drunken wasted night
Of vomits and *****.

You're that awkward hi
Exchanged by strangers who
Thought they both knew each other
But were clearly mistaken for another.

You're the bruise that turns blue
When I accidentally bump my leg
On the corner of the bed.

You're the scar that I never
Knew I had.

You're the bittersweet taste in
My mouth every morning.

You're the last thought lingering
In my head before slumber takes me
And you're the vagueness that
Haunts me in my dreams.

You're the scalding hot shower
In a cold freezing morning.

You're the boiling tea that numbs
My tongue for the rest of the day.

You're the obsession
I will never learn to let go of.

You're that person I will
Never get to call mine.

You're the one that got away.