i am -
i am homesick for a person who
left when i forced him to leave,
pushing him out the door,
arms shaking,
tears cracking in the back of my throat,
and i hope i don't ruin you
when i know you will ruin me

and now - now it is
too late at night and
i hope the moon is not my only friend
because he has forgotten me
for a girl with ginger hair and a scar above her lip
who is just like me,
except that she's thin and vegan and doesn't like harry potter

and i -
i am convincing myself not to send text messages
i should have sent
before my eyes turned ancient with the ache
of heartbreak and he
refused to look at them.

messages i should have sent

2:14 am, day one
i miss you

3:23 am, day two
i still miss you
3: 24 am, day two
**** why did i make you go

6: 25 pm, one week later
do you remember when i thought
you hated me and when you thought
i hated you? that was
all lies.
is it still a lie?

6:26 pm, one month later
can we
still be friends? it's so hard to see you
in the hallway without
bursting
into
tears
and
flames.

12:01 am, three months later
halloween doesn't
taste the same and
sugar is more sour and sweet and the
moonlight dancing across the haunted street
is not beautiful to me anymore
because you are not apart of this.

4:34 am, seven months later
it is
the day of love and we spoke
for the first time in person since the
school dance a few months ago and my
heart
hurts so badly

3:57 am, eight months later
i am trying to love new people, better
people, and he tells me i am the world
to him but i
don't want him to love me because
he's
not
you

2:31 am, nine months later
i put you first, i always ******* put you
first, and i never made you feel a ****
thing.
2:33 am, nine months later
i still ******* miss you.
******* it.

now
i am trying to convince myself
i don't love you anymore
but it's growing so difficult because
                                                 because
maybe i still do
and i don't want to, i don't want this, i don't want him.
i don't.

he ignores me without reason
and does not try to be
my friend
and does not
look me in the eye

and he is the tear in my heart.

so, hello again,    
                        poetry.
will you be my lover now?