sores and aches decorate her body like
christmas lights and tinsel and mistletoe

a red light on her shoulder
green lighting up her stomach
and rudolf has no red nose
but red eyes

and rudolf hates himself
a lot

she is rudolf
the red eyed
reindeer

she cries snowflakes
and blankets the land
with pillars of ice and snow
made of tears

merry christmas

she woke up screaming
windows and china tea cups shattered
she blinked
another nightmare, she recalls

when was the last time she dreamed?

she plays soccer
it’s
ok?

her coach is flamboyant
and loud
and nice
and she feels

so so very small
even though she is goalie
and has big feet
and spidery hands

she faces a lot of doubt
in goal
at home
on the court where she practices

is she valued?
is she liked?
do people think she’s ok?
does it matter?

stars are perhaps the most magical thing of all
in her otherwise unmagical world

constellations steal her breath away
as they sweep across the sky
in a never ending rotation

she sits on the patio on her roof
to do so
she sneaks out at one in the morning
and tiptoes up a metal spiral staircase
outside her house

she lays down
and looks at the stars in the clear night sky
there is no pollution down at that private shore
and she is the only one up and out
at the time in that place

it is only her
and the stars

her way of venting is unique
other than poems
which is pretty normal
she thinks

while showering
she sits down
puts some background beats on high
and sings her heart out
it’s all improvisation
but it helps
a little

tonight
she sang of hurt and
staying alive
for her friend’s sakes
but never for her own

is she ok?
she doesn’t know

her eyes her eyes her eyes
are exquisitely annoying
what she would do to have that gone
and it is a rash and she is acting rashly
but she hates it and it keeps going on
her eyes her eyes her eyes

she has played many instruments in her lifetime
first was piano
then the viol
then viola
then cello

then guitar

guitar was eye opening

each string was a strong reassurance
every chord was a kiss on the cheek

guitar was the quiet embrace

of two long lost friends

finally finding each other again

she leaves for hours on end
then she comes back
eats
sleeps
school
out

her eyes are crochet pillows upon a peach couch
that is subsequently her face
red and puffy and not very comfortable

there are only two blues;
her irises
and the gloom that she feels every day

are you ok?
what happened?
people ask as they pass her on the street

nothing
she says
im allergic to something
she adds

what?
they ask

she do not know

though she has the inkling of an idea
that she is in fact
allergic to unwanted attention

my heart walks the fine, grey line
that hovers between platonic and romantic
feelings for her
or him
probably her

you are so so very incredible
and i continue to trip and fall as i attempt
to balance myself on the fine, grey line

i am so so very confused
as you are my everything
and i feel like nothing when i am not with you

what line is there?

home doesn’t always feel like home anymore
she thinks
not when presences are missing and
all she can feel within those walls is suffocated
that house cannot feel like home anymore
she thinks
she needs an out

the bus to school is loud
but the screams of students drown out
the voices in her head
so she never minds
she puts in an earbud
and listens to music
she still feels very tired

she felt so very tired
bags found refuge under her eyes
and the sahara desert on her tongue
she ate her breakfast
she drank her tea
she felt so very tired

there was water
that was the first thing she noticed
second was the significant lack of air
which made itself evident through collapsing lungs
she couldn’t breathe
how could she
under all this crushing weight?

wave after wave pushed her further down
she knew she wasn’t the best at swimming
she thought she wouldn’t drown
and then the flood arrived.

it was a hard
long
day

she put up with it
of course
but it was a very very difficult journey to take
everyday is a very very difficult journey to take
gym english history art math spanish science
then home

the outside world isn’t bad
in fact,
it is much more of a home to her now
even though the weather is cold and dry
and her lips are chapped and so are her eyes

the outside world is good
she can breathe out there
she comes and goes
maybe she walks half a mile
maybe she walks six

every time she comes back to the house,
though
so no one cares
she’s alright