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Jun 2020 · 92
dreams
shila n Jun 2020
someone once asked her
why she watches slash films a lot
she answered
she hopes to be hunted
in her nightmares
to experience terrors
of dying
that she couldn't
afford to have
in pure daylight
Jun 2020 · 77
untitled
shila n Jun 2020
some poems are not meant
to be titled
some poems are meant to be untitled
they tell stories
visible or hidden
it's up to the readers
to give the poem titles
according to their understandings
Jun 2020 · 100
she
shila n Jun 2020
she
every morning she wakes up with hatred
she hates no one but herself
she hates herself for breathing
she hates herself for existing
she hates herself for living
she hates herself for being there
alas, she even thinks that death hates her
it refused to take her away
she must be that hateful
sigh..
she hates herself
Apr 2020 · 450
THE UNINVITED
shila n Apr 2020
the fog writhe
approaching near

I try to run
anyhow, blocks of glasses
arose out of nowhere
I'm inside of a building now
standing before rows of windows

out I look
I see something
someone
an unknown figure
I couldn't make what is it
but my heart knows
I hate it

I got alarmed by my fear
the chills are slithering on my skin
It is coming
a lady in white, all torn up, full of dirt
was it soil?
was it blood?
messy long hair as dark as the night without the moonlight
bloodless pale skin
bloodshot sickly looking eyes

give me mercy
I really don't like this
I must get out of here
I must!

I tripped myself
I fell on my face
I try to get up but I failed
my body feels so heavy
so burdened
there's something above me
it's the woman
I know it's her
she sits on my back
I could feel her eyes
scanning through me
I could feel she
brushes her cold hands on my back
they're on my shoulders now
and then on my neck
to quelch it
she wants to **** me!

I close my eyes as tight as I could
I'm so scared
I'm ******* do
I try to scream
but no voice was out
it could not even pass through my lungs
only dry air escapes
only I could hear my voice
echoed in my own head
my neck got stiffened
I started to get panic

hell no!
I don't need panic attack right now
thanks!
breathe, I tell myself
it's not real
the woman is not real

keep fighting
move your limbs
kick my legs
grab on my mattress
I blink my eyes
forcing them to open
I have to wake up!

the lights from the wall
peeking through my lashes
my muscles had relaxed
my body feels light now
no longer heavy
I sat up
my heart raced

I search through my bag
took my pill
I overthrown my blanket
trying to go back to sleep
reciting prayer in my head
hoping to not encounter
the uninvited visitor
again
the nightmare I had before I experienced sleeping paralysis, or what I thought to be incubus
Mar 2020 · 285
vaccine
shila n Mar 2020
those times we missed
are back for us to bond
family, friends, pets
all in one place for each other
reminiscing good ol’ times

factories are closed
streets are empty
fresh air seeping back into humanity
dolphins, turtles
are back to the shores
the earth is healing

could it be
just, could it be
we are the virus
and this suffocating illness
was sent as the vaccine
to heal the world?
In this time of misery, please take care of yourself, my friends. Follow all the guidelines your authorities have given out. Don’t believe in everything that was put on the internet. Be educated. Know what you need to know. Stay safe, wherever you are. We’re all in this together!
Aug 2019 · 248
p o l a r i t y
shila n Aug 2019
nobody wants to love you
nobody wants to be in your arms
you find yourself walking down the alleys
make it money rains
here come the birds without the wings
you feel loved
you feel wanted
screaming farewell to loneliness

: : : : : : : : : :

everybody loves you
everybody have their arms around you
but you ******* in the dark corner
get the floor flooded by your tears
you throw away the angels
you take in the devils
and you still feel so alone
it saddens me that so many people still cannot see that feeling lonely is different than feeling alone. feeling alone is deadlier than lonely, it could ****.
Feb 2019 · 256
too comfortable, it hurts
shila n Feb 2019
we talked last month
we talked last week
we talked last night
we talked this morning
we are still talking now
what are we doing?
no, what am I doing?
I've been telling myself
I don't wanna talk with you anymore
we should not talk
cut all connection
but why are we still talking
like nothing happens
we are getting cosy
we are getting closer
we are getting so comfy
this is not cool, man
little did you know
you're killing my heart
each time
I keep talking to my crush while battling against my own feelings towards him...
Jan 2019 · 204
oh! it kills
shila n Jan 2019
this game of pretends
it's funny
to see
to watch how
I let myself
dying from
denying my heart
for you
when it is into you
so deep
pretending to be fine around your crush
Jan 2019 · 223
I'm all done for
shila n Jan 2019
enchanted
just like mantras

these words
swam into my mind
slithered through like a basilisk
what a spellbound

did I listen?
did I hear?
did I absorb?

gotta heart
this art of losing hope
giving up

getting on
stronger or
weaker
than yesterday

tread my walk
I abandoned this thought
not looking back

for all I know
I'll never be done for
maybe
I don't know how to explain this poem. One day I decide to give up everything in life, and on the next day, I'm totally fine, like nothing had ever happened.
Jan 2019 · 356
I thought I'd be okay
shila n Jan 2019
I'm done
no, not yet
I'll be done
later
maybe tomorrow
or would it be soon?
sigh
I will someday
it's hard to let go
just let me cuddle
with these feelings of mine
the feelings of being in love
with you
til then
I won't be okay
when you could not decide if you want to move on or not from a heartbreak
Jan 2019 · 2.5k
underwater ballet
shila n Jan 2019
I loved how you waved upon me
Called me to embrace the nature
Led me to different world of death
I loved how you wrapped yourself around my body
Whispered through the inches of my skin
Assured me
"You'll be okay, darling" you said
I cuddled into the warmth of the deep blue sea
Instead of coldness
I reached out my hands
And you welcomed me gently
Alas, it was just a dream
I woke up hoping to meet you again
Tonight...
This was based on one of the dreams I had one night. In that dream, I was running from everyone until I reached the shore of beaches. There were cliffs, the water was so blue, the waves were so high. I believed it was Cliff of Moher, the place I wanted to go in real life. It that dream, I don't wanna be found, but I wanna be found.
Jan 2019 · 625
salt water
shila n Jan 2019
what is this warm thing
just like a river
flowing through my cheek
streaming down my chin
why does my heart beats so fast
yet the world feels slow
my chest hurts
a lot
am I going to die?
is this my end?
is this the pain of heartbreak?
One of the earliest poems I've written some times ago. I couldn't remember exactly the details, but at that time I was crying really hard due to the confusion I was having. I decided to confess my feelings to my crush, but in the end, I didn't.
Jan 2019 · 393
wrecked at the borderline
shila n Jan 2019
Empty
She hears nothing
She sees nothing
Just a very dark place

Come here
The voice calls
It's happiness
She flies toward it, with light feelings, while smiling but-

Come here
Another voice calls
It's loneliness
She stops midway
"I'll be right back", she tells happiness
She goes to loneliness with wide arms opened
She was nearly embraced loneliness when

Come here
She hears another voice calling her
It's sadness
She stops.
"Sadness needs me", she whispers to loneliness
And she steps towards sadness
Loneliness tries to hold on her, but she didn't see it

Can you come here?
One more voice calls
She stops again, looking for the voice
It's confusion
She becomes baffled
She wonders whether sadness will be fine
If she goes to confusion now

No, don't!
Come here instead!
One more voice calls!
She turns and look at anger.
She looks at confusion and then anger
What is she supposed to do now?

Come here!
Come here!
Come here!
Come here!
Come here!
Come here!

Emptiness, happiness, loneliness, sadness, confusion, and anger call her
At the same time
Simultaneously
She keeps running and running
In circle
Meets no end
Everytime she reaches the borderline, she runs towards different directions
She keeps running

And she hears one more voice

You don't belong anywhere
Finally, frustration says it
She fell down in despair

Come here
She feels cold fingers around her shoulders
She looks up
There stands the death
Giving her the dullest stares
And creepiest smile
My psychiatrist diagnosed me from borderline personality disorder (BPD), and I've always have thought it was bipolar disorder. She explained to me that these both disorders are totally different.

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