I want to pull away from this. From you. I want to just stop and act like we never got close. I want to act like you never became my rock. I want to pretend like you don't know how to make me smile
or laugh when I don't want to. I want to do this because I am afraid. Afraid of falling in love with you even when I know you would never feel the same in return. Afraid to get my heart broken. Afraid to once again get hurt. Afraid to put my faith in someone else. I am so afraid.

I told them I'm afraid of the dark,
Honestly, I'm not afraid of what could be lurking there in the shadows.
I'm just afraid of facing it alone.

"I can't do it!" She shakes her head furiously, "I'm afraid of the dark."
Wistfully he grabs her hand, "Don't worry, I'm here."
Hand in hand, they are ready to face the unknown together.

I cannot put into words the sheer gravity of your soul meeting with mine.

I will always blame myself first before I blame anyone else.

I feel the world closing in,
My heart pounding rapidly like rain drops on a windowpane,
As I struggle for breath.
I want to cry,
Why do I feel this way so suddenly?
Moments ago,
I was absolutely fine.

Anxiety attacks make no sense.

I feel like I am being pushed away by those I want to be near the most. Slowly but surely. No one really needs me. They don't want me. Their lives won't be any different when I am no longer in them. I will be just that girl who used to bother them. I am just a side note. An afterthought.  I am meant to be alone.

I have gotten so used to letting myself down,
And getting let down,
That it doesn't surprise me,
When he greeted me with open arms,
I awkwardly stood there not knowing how to react.
So wrongfully shy,
For the right guy.


I hope he has patience.

There was a time where you meant so much,
Just like a fresh bouquet of flowers.
Now my memory of you falls apart at one touch,
Just like a long forgotten bouquet of flowers.

Boy meets girl,
Girl meets boy.

A friendship formed,
Followed by joy.

Complications arose,
Like a puzzle wanting to be solved.

Their morals were questioned,
As their relationship evolved.

There was lust,
Fiery in all of the sense.

They thought no one could see it,
No one is that dense.

Fighting had come and gone,
Maybe it had been all a mistake.

But nothing could keep them away,
No matter what was at stake.

I still expect your name to pop up in my open Facebook tab.
A message has been sent from so and so,
Maybe in reply to me,
Maybe with some weird picture you thought I would get a laugh out of,
Maybe just to say hello.
I know you won't.
I know it.

Even after we have not talked for some time
A part of me still expects you to be there.
A part of me hopes you still care.

Maybe you just became a habit.
Like every morning I make a coffee with breakfast and whenever I don't have that my entire day is thrown off. It has gotten to the point where I need that coffee in order to function. It may not be a good habit. I may be addicted to caffeine even. The point is that you are like my morning coffee without you I feel off.

I know that one day I won't feel that way. Like, if I did not drink coffee for long enough eventually things would be fine. Would it be the same with you? I hope so. But I don't think feelings are the same as caffeine addiction.

I tell myself that one day,
I will write a book.

In hopes of inspiring someone,
Maybe they will change the world.

Saving someone so desperate,
Telling them they're not alone.

Sparking imagination,
Creating magic.

Bringing people together,
Forgetting senseless squabbles.

I want to change someone's world for the better.

I'm a closet romantic.
Constantly
Writing poetry
About beautiful boys.
But if you talk to me
Face to face
I'll deny that is this the case.

I can't let people know my weakness.

When you're away,
It's comforting to know that we exist under the same sky, on the same planet, in the same universe.

We used to be so uncompromised,
Our words didn't have some double meaning,
Something deeming,
That we were more than we were willing to admit.
I could look you in the eyes without that feeling,
Without my thoughts wheeling,
Away from the possibility of having to commit.
You and I were not some cliched affair,
But now we are something I thought I could not bare,
And I fear,
I fear that we have been compromised,
By those double meanings,
Those feelings,
Deeming,
That we are more than we are willing to admit.

Messes irritate me.
Yet, I am a perpetually messy person.
Always cleaning the same mess
Over and over.

Some days I hate myself.
Some days, I think I don't deserve to be happy.
Some days, I feel like people don't care and shouldn't.
Some days, I lay in bed and think of everything that is wrong and make it worse.
Some days, I get angry at people for not realizing.
Some days, my feelings get hurt more than I am willing to admit.

Not all days, though. Only some.

I loved you once,
And the promises you made to me.
A fire in my soul burned bright by your side,
But soon it fizzled.
Promises broken.
The love fading.
You became a sweet memory to me,
A could have been,
But will never ever be.

I barely know you,
Yet my words just spill out with no filter.
I want you to just see me,
Without a mask and a little off kilter.

Crushes are weird.

One of the most jarring things you will ever have to say is, "Yeah, I loved him once."

I feel like I have been knocking on doors that don't want to be answered but are openned anyway because maybe people want to be polite, or they are curious as to why anyone is trying at all. I am an unwanted house guest that stays for tea once in awhile who, if lucky, gets invited back two or three times before the invitations stop coming, the door goes back to being unanswered.

I hope that one day I will knock on a door that wants to be answered. That this person will say, "Come in. Stay awhile."

I want to forget,
To restart.
Another high stakes game,
With my duct taped heart.

She looks at her reflection,
Everyday.
And everyday she finds something she wants to fix.

Scared that she might go back.
To eighty pounds ago.
Scared that losing eighty pounds wasn't enough.

She exercises,
Everyday.
And everyday she feels too tired to function.

Hoping that she might look "normal,"
A term that is so vague.
Hoping that one day she will feel okay with herself.

She stares at that mirror,
Everyday.
And everyday she wonders why she's like this.

Wondering why she can't feel comfortable,
With her own body.
Wondering why she isn't proud.

Because when she looks at that mirror,
She sees flaws she can't fix.
Everyday.

I was not one to believe in fate,
Thought it was ******* to be honest.

But then, there he was,
Staring me right in the face.

Maybe it was the whiskey haze,
But when I met him...

When I met him,
I felt as though he was an old friend, someone I knew, someone I should know.

Then I kept seeing him,
By chance.

Over and over,
We just kept finding each other.

Still to this day,
Even if we go our separate ways we always end up finding each other.

Every time,
Especially when we need each other the most.

Because for once in our lives,
Something feels right, even if we don't know what it is.

My theory is fate brought us together.
And fate is hell bent on keeping us that way.

It's funny,
The things you remember,
When you're lonely.

"You were my once upon a time."
She whispered, their frail hands clasped together their grip meant more than forever.
He watched her with tears streaming down his face,
"Don't cry, my love."
As a tear rolled down her own she found the strength to say one last thing,
"You'll be my happily ever after."
He nodded in response because that's all he could will himself to do.
Slowly she closed her eyes and he kissed her goodbye,
Sadly he untangled their hands and rose to his feet and found his words,
"I have loved you for seventy years, this isn't the end."

And they lived happily ever after, again, and again, and again.

*Do you believe in soulmates?

He is one of my sweetest memories and one of my biggest lessons. And no matter what happened between us, he was my hero at one point in my life.

But he was also my downfall.

The humid air embraces us like a soft blanket. We sit inches apart with books in our hands quietly studying the words before us. Your cat crawls across me and we steal glimpses at each other. The air feels warmer, more enchanting. I can hear your breathing change when you reach a particularly interesting part in your book. I look up to see you smiling, your dark hair falling slightly out of your hat. This is the first time I have seen you still, at peace, since we had broken up. I continue my book. Soon, it is time to go. We hug and suddenly, overwhelmed by the familiarity, the certainty, I kiss you. You do not kiss back. The spell is broken.

Everyone should be able to to feel,
Comfortable in their own body.
Because everyone is beautiful,
Their own special brand of hottie.

Last night I had a dream,
Nothing made sense,
Nothing was as at seemed.

I was supposed to get married,
To someone that hardly cared,
So I ran.

I ran directly into a stranger,
Someone I knew,
But hardly knew.

We looked into each other's eyes,
Suddenly,
So suddenly nothing mattered.

He kissed my lips,
As I drew infinity on his neck,
I woke up.

I woke up with that scene in mind,
His face still burning so clearly.
All I can think about is infinity.

All I can think about is finding him,
I wonder if he too had that dream,
If he too is trying to find me.

Run you clever boy,
And remember me,
Please.

I'm young.
I fall in love.
A lot.
And no love is ever the same.

There was my first love,
Whom I will always love,
Even when we're worlds apart.

The boy who took my heart in his hand,
And began to poke at it.
Sometimes with a feather, sometimes with a pointy stick.

He who I try to forget,
But remember for the memories we created.
The crazy moments we shared.

There's the love who wants to marry me,
Who maybe I could settle down with one day.
But not now.

My future loves who I will tell stories of,
My next great adventures,
People who will shape me.

Love in which I will have for my children one day,
When they become the light of my life.
That will surpass anything.

Love for my dreams,
My career,
My life.

Everyday I fall in love,
Not always with a person.
Sometimes it is an idea, a dream, a book, philosophy, the way the sky looks.

Everyday I find something to love,
Because I still can.
I hope I can spend my whole life falling in love.

I always fall for the ones that won't fall for me.
Hoping that one day,
Maybe they'll come around.
They never do,
And I never learn my lesson.

There he is,
There he goes.
The shortest moment
Can be the longest,
You know?

Just a moment with you created memories that will last a lifetime.

Go to work.
Listen to music.
Go for a run.
Hula hoop.
Play Pokemon Go.
Play Pokemon Yellow.
Lay down and stare at the ceiling.
Overthink.
No, don't do that.
Get up.
Message you.
Know you won't answer.
Go over friend's house.
You didn't.
Go home.
Overthink.
Give up.
Go to bed early so the day will be over.

Be careful in your interactions,
Kindness is scarce these days.
One kind gesture,
Could put an uneasy soul at bay.

Please, don't look at me,
With such hope in your eyes.
I'm so concerned,
It's some kind of lie,
Made up in my mind.
That you are not as nostalgic,
As I find.

She was walking in the middle of the night,
On the sidewalk in front of a gas station.
When a familiar face crossed her line of sight,
"Impossible!" She thought.

But there he was in plain view,
Just the same as he used to be, pumping gas.
Yet, she didn't know what to do.
As she walked away she said to herself, "He probably didn't recognize me."  

So, she set out on a mission to see if it was him,
And sent him a message.
This was all on a whim.
"Yes, that was me. I didn't see you!" He replied.

He told her he was disappointed he didn't see,
And asked how she had been.
She smiled at the computer screen,
"I'm great, maybe you'll get a chance to see me again." She typed.

A summer fling,
Brought together by a late night walk and the need to get gas.

I have written you so many letters,
That I will never send.

They tell you about the days we shared,
And the heart I had to lend.

Intricately weaving webs of passion,
Something I had to defend.

Because there were those awful moments,
Where I felt it was all pretend.

I wrote to you in earnest,
About the feelings I had.

If you read these letters,
I'd imagine you'd be mad.

You told me not to feel that way,
You told me not to fall.

I told you that it could happen,
You didn't believe me at all.

We were supposed to be platonic,
But something in me swayed.

Looking back, you were gaming,
It was how you smiled when you played.

You could never lie to me,
I could always see right through you.

In that moment you so gently kissed me,
I saw you falling too.

Now that it is over,
I write to you again.

About the love I had for you,
My handsome silly friend.

And how it fell apart,
How it began to bend.

Another letter I have wrote for you,
That I will never send.

It doesn't feel right, letting you go. You letting me go. The thought of someone else touching your soul makes my chest tight.  I fear you will never let anyone back in. Please, let someone in. You need someone to anchor you.

I am terrified that I may always love you. That one day I will be happy with someone else and the thought of you will still make me sad.

My memories are fading,
The damage has already been dealt
I  listen to love songs,
To be reminded of the way I once felt.

She feels as though she started out in a single straight-forward path,
That could not have been daunted by even the biggest bump in the road.

Somewhere along the way she must have taken a wrong turn.
She feels as though she has been walking for miles and her path just keeps getting harder to navigate.

She is lost.

Maybe she was too wistful, a hopeless romantic in the sense of Romanticism not necessarily love.
She wanted her life to take a turn and finally take off.

In a sense she wanted to fly away from everything and forget the past completely.
That in itself was a mistake.

No matter what one does to escape the past,
Certain factors of it stick.

Scars don’t only appear on skin.

I never learned to hold back. When I fall for someone I want them to know all of me, the good, the bad, the downright ugly. Constantly, I am forced to withdraw, my soldiers told to retreat back into their forts, cease fire.

You told me you had feelings for me, my heart leapt at the chance to finally be open, to be free to fight a valiant battle. But then, as quickly as the battle progressed, it stopped, there was a lull.

You told me sorry, that maybe we should stop, that you don't see a future with me. That I should shut off my feelings. That we should be friends. You wonder why I can't just pretend like your lips never crashed against mine. Like our bodies never crashed together passionately like bombs exploding with every collision.

You make me feel like I am being unreasonable. You liked it better when I was understanding. When my feelings were unclear. But my dear, you were the one that fired the first shot when you decided to crash your lips against mine. When you decided again and again that, although you were unsure, to keep firing. To keep crashing into me.

Yet, you will wonder why I stopped. You will wonder when the smoke finally clears, why I stopped fighting for you.

I never really understood what people meant by having a magnetic attraction to someone,
Until that moment our lips crashed together with such force I barely had any time to think.
When we finally drew it felt like some force was pushing us back together,
Making me want to go back and never leave,
"Those aren't meant to be apart."

Once I read this beautiful quote,
By an old married couple.
The woman of a marriage of 65 years,
Was questioned,
"How have you guys stayed together for so long?"
She replied with a sense of pride, "We come from a time where if something was broken we would fix it." I thought that was absolutely beautiful.
I do not understand the concept of divorce,
I believe that once you are married,
That's it.
Till death do us part.
Times have changed since that old couple fell in love.
People today do not know how to handle things if they get hard,
So they just give up.
They have forgotten how to fix things.
It is tragic how divorce has become such a common thing,
When marriage used to be so sacred.
So when the time for marriage comes for me,
I want to be absolutely sure I could live the rest of my life that person.
I will vow that no matter how broken things get,
How hard,
I will put in the effort,
I will fix them.

Don't look back, do not turn around, keep going. Walk. Forward. You can do this. You don't need him. You don't need that anymore. Think about the heartache. The panic. Save yourself. You deserve to be happy. You deserve so much more. You are not doing anything wrong by trying to be happy without him.  Just keep telling yourself these things so each day gets a little easier. One day you won't be sad when you think of him. One day you won't think of him at all.

I let myself mull over one regret a day,
So they all don't come crashing down on me.
I teach myself not to repeat my past mistakes,
So maybe one day I won't have any regrets to mull over.

I was willing,
To forget.
No, to accept,
Your absence.

But then I saw,
In passing,
Someone that looked,
Just like you.

My heart clenched,
My stomach dropped,
My breath became short,
It was as if my body was saying what I wasn't willing to.

"There you are.
I missed you."

There was a long period of time where I was not fond of my name.
My name was just an identity that was ****** upon me at birth.
I had no connection to it.
My name was just a phrase people would use to get my attention.
But when my name escaped your lips  I couldn't help but fall in love with it.

I hope you remember me for my worst days.

Those days where I tried not to show it,
You said worries were written across my face.
You asked for my thoughts even when I didn't know what to say,
You listened.
You would call me beautiful,
Even when I didn't feel that way.
I hope you remember those days.

Those were the days I knew I meant more to you than you let on.

Sometimes I just want to run until I don't exist anymore.

I bonded with him over Skyrim,
Took it further with Star Wars,
And sealed the deal with Doctor Who.
I never thought those things could get me so far.