I don't know you yet,
Personally.
But when I see your text,
My heart skips a beat.

When I see you will I be able to breathe?

Words that were not meant to hurt me pierced through me like a million tiny needles filled with Novocain.
It was not really pain at all.
With those words replaying in my mind, over, and over, the circumstances slowly began to sink in. When I finally worked up the will I could not get my fingers to move as I tried to type my reply.

I was numb.

"The way I catch him looking at you makes me smile.
It is how a man looks at someone he is falling for.  
Your time will come, give it awhile."

"It happened eight months ago. You should be okay by now. It isn't an excuse." I'm told after admitting I don't have the drive to really do anything anymore. I really wasn't trying to use it as an excuse.

Today I was going for a run,
It was beautiful out. The sun was hitting the trees in such a way that I would never be able to capture fully with a camera.
I had just gotten back from a family party.

I was thinking about it, who I saw, what went on, something was missing, someone was missing, suddenly I was not running anymore.

I was crying. I was hunched over trying to compose myself. I began to panic.

The words from his note, "I'm sorry" flashed in my head like police lights. What could I have done? I asked. There was nothing you could do. I told myself.

Each realization hit me like a bullet. Memories flooded into my mind. Just short beautiful moments.

I tried to push them back so desperately. I want to save them. I do not want to wear them out to the point where one day I will not be able to remember the crinkled eyed smile I loved so much.

I tried to catch my breath. It was no use. I couldn't.

I haven't been able to since September. I don't feel like I will ever be able to.

Almost eight months ago my grandfather took his own life and I'm told I should be okay. I'm told I should be able to go about my life normally.

"Okay." I respond.

Sometimes, out of the blue,
I think of you.
Our time is done,
We had our fun.
I am slowly moving on,
The spark we had is gone.
You left my thoughts,
Whether you like it or not.
But sometimes, out of the blue,
I think of you.
About the great times we had,
And I can't help but feel sad.

One day, I won't feel that way.

I was out of the game before it began,
Handed a controller that wasn't connected.
It was just like I was playing,
The fault wasn't detected.

How am I supposed to sleep,
With your voice fresh in my mind?
I tried so hard to forget it,
This has put me in a bind.
I'm not supposed to miss you,
I'm not supposed to miss you at all.
Yet all my willpower has been taken from me,
With just a phone call.

I listen to love songs,
On rainy days.
Those are the days,
I need them most.

You need to fall out of love,
To realize,
That you never were really in it in the first place.

If I could change,
What I've done,
So, it would be you and me,
I would,
I can't,
But I would.

Regret is the worst kind of misery.

Where  
             do
                   we
                          go
                                 from
                                          here?
            ­                        Do
                              we
     ­                 take
                 a
          step
back?
         Then
                  move
                            forward
                                          from
                                                  there?


Somet­imes you need go back to the beginning to move forward.

It was the first time I saw you in years, so much had happened in the time we took away from each other. You and I became different people almost entirely. Yet, even with that, you still took me in your arms and kissed my forehead just like you used too. I inhaled your peaceful air and breathed easy for the first time in a very long time.

I felt safe.

I long for something I can write about,
A passion so beautiful that the words will just fall out.
I want to dance drunk in the rain with someone I barely know,
To just dive into something without worry or doubt.
I want to meet someone that will enchant me with their smile,
And take me on adventures like I have never imagined,
It may take awhile.
I may meet them a week from now by some twist of events,
I may meet them when I'm 23 fresh in the city without a clue where to go.
For all I know they could be Clark Kent,
They could be anyone!
But when we finally have found each other,
Oh the stories that will ensue.

As I drive I catch my eyes searching every face I pass by.
With some unexplainable longing I wonder to myself,
"Who am I looking for?"

You know how you  say a word,
Until it sounds as though it shouldn't exist?
The meaning has become blurred,
It can't possibly be real.

That is how I feel about love after all this time I've spent trying to figure it out.

In thought I raised my eyes,
Meeting his oceans from across the room,
His hesitant smile gave me hope.
I could feel my lips slowly turning upwards,
In response.

I watch his cigarette smoke swirl around in a graceful dance above his head,
My eyes drift down towards his face,
To my surprise his eyes meet mine.
Before swiftly breaking my gaze,
I swear I could see the future.

We sit inches away from each other sneaking quiet glances, cracking jokes, exchanging smiles. Our legs slightly touching, nervous excited energy filling the air. This is the feeling I have long forgotten. This is the feeling I hope to hold onto.

12:00am spontaneous hour long drive to Sonic,
With close friends.
The perfect tonic,
For an uneasy heart.

I used to say,
"Sorry, I'm not enough."
Now I say,
"Sorry, I'm too much."

"It is always your name on my screen instead of hers!"

I want to shout,
That it has always been me.
After all these years,
It has always been us.
Being near you makes me happiest,
I've been.
And I wouldn't mind,
If you wanted me instead of her.

Instead I reply, "Sorry."

I believe in soulmates,
Watching Netflix,
And the playful fight that leads to,
First kisses,
And giddy smiles.
I believe that even the simplest of things can be beautiful with you by my side.

Back to square one,
Maybe that's where I'm supposed to be.
Squares two, three, four, and five,
Just weren't right for me.

I want to confess to you my everything,
As we count the stars above.
Call this what you may,
But I ask you not to call it love.

I keep hearing all these complaints,
It's sad when everything that's said has a negative edge.

I'm no saint,
I do it too sometimes.

I try to see the positive light,
In bad situations.

Both sides to the coin,
Everything has a reason.

I try to draw my mind out of that dark place,
Because I've gotten stuck there.

It did not help me,
It only kept me in a state of no motivation, lethargy, and unfeeling.

I want people to realize that although they have some legitimate reasons to feel down,
As all do.
That there are always going to be a reasons to remain positive.

Even if it is something so small that it seems ridiculous to be happy about.

I need a person,
To call my own.
I'm like a stray cat,
Searching for a home.

I remember what you told me about her after you broke up. All these terrible things. How she was crazy.  I wonder if you say things like that about me now.

I never thought you would be in my life again after everything that happened when we were young and stupid but here we are and I am so grateful.
Thank you, for picking me back up when I was so hell bent on being unhappy.
Thank you, for understanding.
Thank you, for telling me I have pretty eyes and making me feel beautiful.
Thank you, for being open with me.
Thank you, for texting me at 12am after not talking all day.
Thank you, for making me believe that I am worth someone's time.
Thank you, for making me believe I am enough.

Some find peace in music,
Others in quiet places,
The arms of friends,
Or the heart of a lover.

Personally,
I find peace in bad decisions,
Failed confessions,
Telling stories.
Those moments when I finally have reason enough to feel.

I’d rather be lost in the city,
Without any map
Or idea where I am going,
Than be stuck in a small town where everyone knows each other,
And every day has the same consistency.

I just want, for a short time in my life to get away.
I often times imagine myself in places like wonderland,
Where nothing makes sense and it doesn't matter to.
Where anxiety is a pointless thing and having tea is the priority.
But, then I have to remember that even wonderland had its own “rules” its own flaws and maybe one doesn't truly ever escape.

I guess that’s the beauty in life.
You have to learn to deal with what is difficult for you to handle.
Each experience is kind of like a fairy-tale in its own sense.
You have demons you need to fight, evil men and women to face, and if you don’t back down and push through you may have a chance to be happy.

"I just want you to be happy." I type, my breath uneven, tears threatening to spill. I knew it was going to be her. It was always going to be her. I never even stood a chance. "So and so is typing..."

I walk out of my room shortly after finishing another John Green book,
There is a storm outside and the lightning flashes just as I pass the window,
It’s 2:52am and everything is illuminated before me.
I go back to my room and Facebook shows me he was online 38 minutes ago, with just one look.

I calculate the amount of time it would take to send a simple, “hello”
And decide it isn’t worth the worry.
It’s 2:52am I should be sleeping,
But how can I when thunder sounds outside my window?

All I can hear is the rain falling as I stare at the dark ceiling above me,
I think about where my life is going.
It’s 3:00am and paranoia starts to sink in,
What if I'm not where I'm supposed to be?

The rain has stopped but now all I can are drips,
As I tell myself that I'm just being silly, to calm down.
It's 4:11am and I'm in a place I shouldn't be,
This is driving me crazy and now all I can think about are his lips.

It's completely silent now,
As I open up my blog.
It's 4:58am and I'm combating loneliness with quotes,
Endlessly scrolling down, down, down.

I let my head hit the pillow with my face,
There's another storm outside my window.
It's 5:17am and I've defeated my demons for the night,
As I drift to sleep, wondering why I even stayed up in the first place.

Her heart didn't get out much,
She kept it locked up and rarely let it out to play.
It never complained,
Love was so passe.

At least, that is what the girl kept saying.
She couldn't help but think something was absent.
But she continued on with her life,
Boys came and went.

Then he came along,
Her heart fluttered as he neared.
So she isolated it,
Out of fear.

Over time,
The girl would grow accustomed to his smile.
The way it would brighten his face,
She found herself falling after awhile.

After being locked up for so long,
Her heart started to make noise.
She didn't know how to react,
Trying to keep herself poised.

"I kept you locked up,
For your own safety."
She whispered softly,
Hoping her heart wouldn't escape.

But the more he smiled,
The more her heart urged on.
Struggling behind carefully placed bars
It broke free, it was gone.

He held it in his hands,
Wordlessly.
She didn't know what to say,
All she could do was watch helplessly,
As he took her heart away.

What was that?
That...
Thing.
I felt it,
Only for a moment.
A flash of something.
So exotic,
So fleeting.
Maybe it was just my imagination.

What's that?
You felt it too?
Strange.

So here it is,
It finally has come to an end.
I'm sorry we ended up,
Merely a story.
One day, far from now,
I will tell my kids of you,
And all the crazy things we did,
Chapter by chapter,
Bit, by, bit.
The story of,
My first love.

You're absolutely and utterly the most arrogant, cynical, self-absorbed, human being I have ever had the displeasure of meeting.
I think grudgingly as I stare at Facebook.

That feeling of longing I had only a moment ago was fleeting,
Replaced by distaste.

How could I have ever had an inkling of feeling for you?
All that time I spent on you was a such waste.

I bet you don't even care,
Forgotten about me like I was never even there.

It's like you don't exist outside of our college,
I wish you could have gave me that knowledge.

Because I wouldn't have had to spend all that time caring,
I wouldn't have had to miss you.
I wouldn't have had to wonder if you were okay every single day.
You could have at least answered me when I sent you those texts.
But you didn't,
And I did miss you, I did care, and I did wonder.

Now all I feel is resentment,
But I know tomorrow I'll miss you again.

This is ridiculous.

The clock slowly ticks, ticking ticking ticking,
As time has come to a stop.
All we can hear is the ticking,
The ticking of the broken clocks.

We'll be lost in forever, over and over
Repeating our lives.
Memories are spilling over,
Hey, remember that time?

We met by accident,
Serendipity you could say.
I liked the way your eyes shined,
As you smiled that day.

But one problem led to another,
Nights blended into days.
What's the difference between midnight,
And the middle of the afternoon?

The clocks tick away the memories,
Tick Tick tick...

We dance across the realities,
Laugh at our lives.
We act so happily,
As our dreams are torn with time.

The clocks are ticking...
Every second is another year.
Everything was okay,
Everything began to disappear.

Hey do you remember?
Do you?
"Do I remember?
I can't say that I can..."

The clock slowly ticks, ticking, ticking, ticking...
And my memories of you begin to fade.
All I can remember is the ticking,
Our lives ticking away...
Tick tick tick...

Who are you?

I took your hand and led you into the dance floor,
(Both slightly intoxicated I'll admit)
Somebody had fallen,
I tripped on them.
Due to gravity,
With your hand in mine,
I fell,
Taking you with me.

Giddy, we laid there for a moment,
Watching clusters of bodies moving around us.
After the process of detangling and getting back up,
We began to dance.

There was a spark,
With each step we surprised each other.
Bodies moving in sync.
Never quite meeting.
Locked eyes,
Heavy breathing,
Suddenly,
I saw you in a different light.

The song ended like all good ones do,
And we stood there.
Unable to describe what had just happened.

"Usually I'm an awful dancer."
"Same here."
"But together we're great."

At least I wasn't the only one that fell that night.

I knew you were poison.
Toxic as the cigarettes you smoked, and just as addicting.
I tried quitting you over and over.
Pacifying myself with other addictions,
Like coffee.
But then I learned why coffee is called the liquid cigarette,
It has the same taste but it isn't quite as satisfying.

Love: An emotion that even the greatest can't quite figure out.

Love: Dangerous.
So easy to fall in it's trap,
So hard to climb your way out.

Love: Blinding, fanciful.
Sometimes you think it is real you feel like nothing can harm you,
But it can create the biggest scars.

Love: Confusing.
Endless circles of I love you, I love you not,
One day it is one or the other.

Love: Softening.
That steel wall you put up will be chipped away bit, by bit,
Soon you'll be guarded by a cloud instead.

Love: Nonsensical.
Sometimes you don't have an explanation for what you feel,
You just feel it.

Love: Undeniable.
When it is there it will do all it can to be known,
Even if you don't want it.

I know one thing that is certain about love,
It cannot simply be defined.

Indentical Twins:
They have the same face,
But different souls.

We drifted like unanchored ships,
Across the sea.
Soon you were just an undistinguishable shape on the horizon,
That I only knew through memory.
I did not know how the sea changed you,
And you did not know how it weathered me.

I know I can't have you but,
There's a temptation,
Within your stare.
I'm giving in,
I musn't,
I can't.
I'll just pretend the fascination isn't there.

You have just made it a whole hell of a lot easier not to hate everything about myself.

One day you will find someone you just get on with.
You will bicker, you will laugh, and most importantly you will love.
Nothing will be easy,
Yet everything will be so perfect.

Saying, "I love you," isn't big enough for what I really feel.

There are days where she sleeps with her eyes open,
Those are the longest of them all.
Lost memories whisper softly to her,
Every detail recalled.
They seem so far away and out of reach that they must have been dreams,
Because nothing is as it was.
And nothing is as it seems.

I was cold so you wrapped your body around mine. I was cold so you let me borrow your sweatshirt, each morning I would wear it and pretend it was you, wrapping your body around mine. My heart was cold and that way it remained, you withdrew your right to wrap your body around mine. I gave you your sweatshirt back.

I wonder if I will ever be warm again.

We smile into our text messages after planning a day to see each other. My fingers hovering over my phone in quiet hesitation. Any misplaced word could demolish the delicate balance we have established, "I can't wait to see you," I type. Anxious at his reply, wondering if I stepped too far over the line, I wait. I stare at the three dots, the endless three dots. Finally, I get his reply after about ten minutes, "Yeah, me too." I know, his fingers lingered too. He is afraid of throwing us off kilter too. Of making things messy. Of risking what we have so carefully built for just a single misstep of feelings.

It is hard to be just friends with someone you are in love with.

It doesn't go away.
The thought, the feeling, the question,
That keeps me reeling.
What if,
What could have been,
What would be different if I changed what I said?
I look to you with those questions in my head,
What if,
What if.

Where did the romance go?
The dreamy eyed people,
With smiles that glow,
Have become endangered.

Why has the world become so listless?