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My father walked me down the aisle,
But my mother held my arm.
He went with me,
But we went not towards the altar,
But towards the door.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And the ***** rang through the church,
Humming through the elaborate crown molding,
Carved by my ancestors.

He went,
Not beside me,
But before me,
And I watched,
As he was illuminated by the bright,
Overbearing,
Texas sun.

My father walked me down the aisle,
But I did not wear white.
My father walked me in silence,
And I shed tears not for a man standing at the altar,
But for the one I would never see again.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And no veil obscured my face.
All eyes were upon me, but not for my pristine beauty,
Instead for my clenched jaw and furrowed brow,
Severe and fierce to distract from my glassy eyes.

My father did not leave me at the end of our walk to sit beside my mother.
She clung to me for support and sobbed breathlessly,
Loudly,
Unavoidably,
And I carried her with one hand,
My sister the other,
And walked towards my future.
A future family,
Not one person more,
But one person less.
I walked,
One final time,
With him.

My father walked me down the aisle,
And I will never forget it.
Hundreds of eyes isolating my family from the crowd,
Slow and muffled sounds drowning in the deafening beat of my heart,
Blurred faces staring,
Black heels clacking against the cobbled path from the church,
The anguished wails of my mother,
The whimpering of my sister,
And the wooden box that glided before us,
Pulling,
A string tied to our patriarch,
The pin key of our family,
Pulled taut and then snipped with the slam of the hearse doors.

My father walked me down the aisle,
Before I had a chance to grow up.
He walked me,
Out of the church,
Away from the altar,
Never to be walked again.
I’d rather write than speak
My pen is always responsive
My ink doesn’t judge my mistakes
My paper doesn’t argue
My lines never cross me
My sentences never disappoint
And my words will never leave me
No one is willing to listen
and so I write
...
 May 2019 Kaiden A Ward
gsx
gay
 May 2019 Kaiden A Ward
gsx
gay
gay gay gay
gay gay gay
gay
 May 2019 Kaiden A Ward
Olive
Don’t tell me to smile.
Don’t tell me it will be alright.
Don’t tell me to move on.
Don’t tell me to cheer up.

I am hurting, and I am allowed to.

That is how I ‘move on’.

By feeling,
By being,
By accepting the pain as my own.

This is how I grow.
This is how I grieve.
Let me be.
And don’t tell me to smile.
Because I’m tired of others telling me how they want me to feel.
 May 2019 Kaiden A Ward
Nina
I want the old us,
When we were physically and emotionally close
Not like how we are now,
Fading away, falling apart.
 May 2019 Kaiden A Ward
Gabriel
Both can ****
        The only difference is
                      Cigarettes shatter lungs
         She shatters everything

            I remembered the first moment
my lips pressed the filter
     as I lit it up breathed it all
                savored every smoke
       as if we covered up painful lies
        in a container of painkillers

The same way  
we used to pressed our lips
     sparked something between us
           savored every moment we had
    as if our love was a rose
               in a valley of tulips
Gold
 May 2019 Kaiden A Ward
Colm
Faith
Is looking into the darkness
Knowing that it's not sea, but sky
And trusting that there are stars

Trust
Is an outreached hand on high
Knowing that no such embrace will come
But grace, will arise

And choice
Is the soul struggling inbetween
Weather or not to believe
In all which exists beyond our own eyes
Stars can only be hidden
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