I stopped writing for awhile
For I had started to forget
Forget what it was like to
Be left alone again.

After you had left I was abandoned
With my own thoughts I had to write
A love as pure as you is something I cannot find over night.

And for some time I was there
Stuck in desperation for a little more
Left to try and repair my body
My life stuck in a repetitious bore.

But slowly I pulled myself out
Finding serenity through friends
Peace of mind came quickly, easier
I found that my thoughts of you came to an end.

I participated, I went out
I let others hold me as you once did
And slowly I found life less lonesome
To open up and be happy again.

But once more you came back knocking
With hopes to drag me in
And in my foolish glee, I accepted
And I went spiraling down again.

I got caught up in speaking with you
Then forgot that it would soon end
For when you got what you had wanted
I was left alone to fend.

I'm quick to jump to conclusions:
Maybe I could get you back again
Or I could always turn and find it easiest
To stay laughing with my friends.

But we both know that I won't choose the latter
I'm weak and foolish to try to crawl back
But that never matters
*For I'm addicted to your attention
And I slip down at your suspension.

I'm not used to hearing things
that make my heart beat fast
and my legs shake.
I'm not used to getting calls
unless it's 3 a.m.
and someone just needs to vent.
But man would I answer in
a heartbeat just so I can hear your voice
even when I just want to sleep.

A longing for you
when I turn out my lights
and fall back into ny bed.

A longing for you
as I pull the covers up to my chin
and curl up towards the wall.

A longing for you
as I drift in and out of sleep
memories of you tangled up in my dreams.

A longing for you
as I wake the next day
once again without you by my side.

A longing for you
as I slip out of bed
and repeat the daily routine.

I was so tired of reading this so I deleted the poem sorry....

A gentle caress of the cheek
A shaky fingertip on the chin
The memories come and go in waves,
but hit with the force of a tsunami flood,
crashing down the barriers I so carelessly built up after you left.

A touch of my neck
sends shivers down my spine,
as I remember your lips brushing gentle skin
exhaling my name into the dark.

Twisted in sheets, tangled in blankets
Racing hands and quick breath
those nights come to me quick,
flashing images through my mind.

Glow of your eyes - you loved me.
Smiles on your face - you meant it.
Pleasure in your body - you showed me.
Grasp of your hand - you watched me laugh.*

I would say I want this nostalgia to stop,
but to be quite honest-
I'm addicted to reminiscing on these thoughts.

The fear of forgetting you
presses ******* all sides
suffocating my mind with images of us.

I became so addicted to the feeling of nothing
that when I started to feel you
I went through withdrawals.
I wanted so desperately to forget about
the nice feelings that ran through my mind
when I thought of you,
because I became so intimate with being alone
that leaving the vast isolation of myself behind
felt like I was killing the part of me
that taught me how to survive.

I always saw a fascination in the stars, the far away galaxies
Your eyes, the creases in your hands
The way these all formed together in a constellation
Exploding with stellar being
Everything about you was celestial.

Hours studying Zodiac signs left me empty
I needed to find myself in your solar system
Forcing life onto other planets
Deserted meteors I saw in your mind
I wanted to restore you.

As I looked to you I felt ablation
My mind melting away the ideas of horoscopes
Making room for you and your astro being
Never once wanting any sort of apastron
I awaited the chaos.

You are an evolved star
Burning out slowly, ever so
Sinking to be extragalactic
A place I never imagined
I was far from extraterrestrial.

But orbiting around you I felt the brightness of our galactic halo
Pushing deeper to reach your nucleus, I became your gravity
As one, our luminosity pressed tightly on all sides
Forcing darkness to disband, a large nova exploding from us
And now we are an elliptical galaxy.

When I was little
I used to pretend I was a fortune teller
Looking through the glass orb
Pretending I could see my future
My life as I always wanted it to be.

Now I don't need anything like that
I like the idea of not knowing what I want next,
Although, I'm forever seeing you within all I perceive
No need to imagine how I want life to be
When I'm content with the present.

12 am
Silly me, I caved in
And for the first time in months, I called you again
                                                  "Come meet me
                                                  at our favorite place."

Sitting down on the swing
Trying the understand the distance between
I see you walking closer to me
                                                  "I was wondering when
                                                  you'd call my phone."

I couldn't resist
I missed your sweet bliss
Leaning in, you stole a kiss
                                                  "We should leave
                                                  it's pretty cold."

I climb into your car
You hold onto my hand, yet seem so far
Those hands, so gracefully, strummed your guitar
                                                  "I was asleep when you called
                                                  I hope you know."

The way you said it didn't strike me as odd
A sarcastic manner, so I managed a nod
The way you tried to sound annoyed had seemed so flawed
                                                  "Where exactly are we going
                                                  on a night like this?"

You pull up a song
and start to sing along
turn it down a notch, then think for far to long
                                                  "An adventure my dear
                                                  is what tonight's all about."

Fast forward a bit
to when I'm biting my lip
where we're alone in your bed- your hands stroking my hip.
                                                  "I've missed the way
                                                  you loved me."

And now we're laying, you've drifted off to sleep
My thoughts have gotten far to deep
I steal a kiss upon your cheek.

I turn away and start to move to the other side of the bed
but even in your sleep your hands wrap tighter around me and pull me closer instead
and all that motion speaks for the words unsaid.

Whether it was the need in your embrace
or the look of longing on your face
loving you was always the worst chase.

I kissed you
and tasted alcohol
staining your lips

I didn't find this wrong
Or unusual
Or concerning

All I could think about
Was how I wanted to become
Something you were addicted to

I wanted to drip past your tongue
Pour down your throat
Bitter but enjoyed

Turn to me when you need comfort
Let me haze your mind to take away all pain
Blur your vision so you don't see what you don't want to

I can be your new intoxication.

I was a strawberry chapstick
And you kept your lips dry
Rough like bark splitting into my skin
A sensation I never attempted to remedy with my balm.

I was a beach wave
Softly toppling across the sand
Rolling over and over until I became at the horizon again
And you were a sand castle
One which I kept pressing against
Never meaning to ruin a master piece but persistent enough to create a diamond of your dirt.

I was the falling leaves
All shades of amber and chestnut mixing together into the golden wonderland of the season
But you didn't like the way I killed your grass
You were a rake
All sharp teeth piercing into my stems
Pressing me together pile after pile lining your garden
Suffocating in plastic bags dying out and colors fading.

I wanted a love made of reds and yellows
Shining glows and warm fires
Everything seemed so simple
Until I learned that your love was made of blues and purples
A soft shimmer of coals burning out
We were thoroughly antithetical.

I'm in my backyard
spinning wildly
around and around and around
shouting lyrics out to the sky.

I am free again
the grass pressed against my back
every flower grows above me
and I am alright with growing smaller
shrinking myself into the leaves
and I am flying.

I'm in my backyard
spinning wildly
shouting lyrics to our song
and I'm starting to stumble over the words
and my own feet
but at least I'm beginning to forget who you were
and I feel alright.

You were a simple bliss
Like a nighttime kiss
Love so surreal
Oh the things you made me feel.

Heartache and pleasure
Things to forever treasure
As I lie awake and reminisce
I feel my heart ache, for its you I miss.

Where will these memories go
Sweet and lovely as you know
Push them out of my mind
Disregarding the sweetness, so devine.

Goodbye my sweet lover
I'll give you space, no longer hover
Sweet serenity I say one final goodbye
Hope that we will meet once again, later in time

Your voice trails through my mind
endlessly
like the superlative rhythm of the rain
dripping through me
drenching me in new thoughts
new ideas
a thunderstorm of you.

I've been losing a lot of weight recently, and I fully understand why.
It's not because I feel like my stomach's to big, or there's to much fat on my thighs...

It's because I don't eat my lunch-- no this isn't a plea for help.
All this is is a chance for someone to explore my mental health.

The lunch bell rings and I trudge my way to the cafeteria day by day.
Head straight to the line, grab my sandwich, milk and head on my way.

Beeline to the seat before anyone notices me.
Sit down, take one bite and then I start to see.

I can't help but look around when I'm sitting there all alone.
Or feel the stares back at me as if I'm sitting in the danger zone.

You see nobody pays much attention when you're with a clique or a group,
but the moment no one is with you, all heads turn as if they're stuck on a loop.

And when you're like me- battling with social anxiety,
Every stare can feel like a dagger, you begin to feel each eye as if you were all that mattered.

After maybe one bite of my lunch I'd get up quickly, toss away my tray and leave.
Head bowed down hoping that no one still notices me.

But leaving the cafeteria I find myself back on a battle ground
For I still have to sit in silence, waiting for the lunch bell to sound.

When you go through three weeks like this, something begins to catch your eye.
You're no longer filled out, every breath becomes a sigh.

But even then you know you still can't help yourself
You're stuck in a battle, get away from the stares or help your health.

I'm lost in the city
But I'm taking my time
The streets keep talking to me
They're asking how everyone can spend so much time looking down and straight ahead
When a whole world grows rapidly above them

Buildings grow into the stars
A new styled solar system
They dance among the clouds
Wisping fluffs of greys and whites
When I look, I know that I want to be where it all connects

I am gliding down hills
I am fumbling through crosswalks
I am slipping past street signs
because I can't keep my feet on the ground and my head from that new world

On my bookshelf sits a cup of cigarettes,
Menthols-
But I’m not a smoker.
Every now and then I pull out my lighter
Take a few drags
And curse at myself for letting go once again-
But I’m not a smoker.
And it’s not an addiction.
It’s simply lost willpower
Letting myself drop the promises I make to myself
To sit and smoke a few
Taste the burnt mint roll across my tongue-
But I’m not a smoker.
I always buy a new pack
When I notice the cup running low,
Never let it empty completely
That would mean I smoke-
But I'm not a smoker.

That night he reached for my hand
My fingers corroded.
Every nail of mine rusted over and began to crumble;
But, I kept holding on and fought against all the chemicals in my body working against his touch.

When he talked, I tried to keep up with simple conversation;
However, every time I went to speak
My lungs became oxidized.
I would choke on every letter that managed to escape;
But, I still said things I probably shouldn't.

And as he kissed me, I felt my mouth
Crystallize entirely.
Snowflakes frosted my lips and my teeth hardened into quartz;
But, I allowed it to happen over and over because
He always "loved how my smile shined."

When he was near, every atom in my body buzzed
Pressed against my skin and bones.
All protons, neutrons, and electrons collided against each other.
Fighting to escape
As if the cells that made me knew as explosion was near;
But, I didn't listen because I thought chemistry was just about balancing equations.

You are the **** in my garden
Unlike anything I wanted to plant
I never intended for you to invade

I want to dismantle you petal by petal
Picking through your mind
Plucking you out of my thoughts

Most gardeners would tell me to rid myself of you
A nuisance in the garden of my mind
Pushing past all other beautiful blooms
Making yourself seen and known
But I don't mind, I'd always preferred dandelions over roses.

I breathe complication
And exhale concern
Let problems shiver down my spine
I have learned to only trouble my own mind
I was made to walk on worry.

I doodled a mini solar system on my homework today
It made me think about your eyes.
I want to travel through space and never come home
Go to the moon and never worry about the absence of gravity because your mind pulls me in just the same.

We were
eyes closed
seats leaned back, in your car
not touching
and everything still felt increasingly intimate

The night was soft
our fingers were grazing
eyes closed
day ending, streetlights on
In this moment I knew what I wanted was you

You are the human embodiment of the nighttime
a small red car sitting under the dimly lit street lamp of a small suburban neighborhood

11 p.m. was made for you
so was 3 a.m.
I can't complain, you fit the time well
Eyes bright
Mind glowing
Thoughts racing
you are adventure
I need adventure to grow
We are growing.

I remember when saying your name
made me swell
Even when we went our seperate ways
letting every syllable of yours
rolll of my tongue
felt sweet
My lips would curve around
each letter letting them slip slowly
from my mouth.

But now,
my throat tightens
chokes against every letter
You have a short name
but it feels like i suffocate against it
Lips pressed tightly against
I dare the letters to sound like they used to
Now your name slices up my tongue
Cracks againsty teeth
Stumbles out silently
What once felt like home, now,
Feels so foreign to my fragile lips

I still have bruises from the last time we saw one another-
But when I go to search my skin and recollect, I can not see them.
Those bruises seeped past my flesh and right into my blood stream,
No longer a faithful blue in my veins; my plasma runs a deep red,
Steadily dripping onto the bones that are supposed to keep me sturdy-
Yet, I continuously find myself stumbling over my own body.
Muscles weighed down by words that effortlessly flowed past your lips
Right into my brain which now runs endlessly pressing migraine
Headaches that I can't turn off
Because no medicine can heal someone who's fully broken
No medicine can fix an immune system that isn't ill
No medicine can fix my own mentality.

I’m drinking warm pumpkin harvest tea outside in the chill of an early October night,
Curled up under a star less sky.
A warm flannel
that previously belonged to a boy I once loved deeply,
but now become panicked at the sound of his very voice.
And
I’m wondering how I made it eighteen years
without breaking.
And
It may have just been because I was destined to feel what right now feels like.
To take in every bit of emotion my few senses can absorb
68 degrees curling around every inch of exposed skin
Rough concrete pressed against my body
The sweet scent of moon flowers lingering through my lungs
A lone street lamp flickering at the end of my neighborhood.
I can make it another eighteen years,
If only to be promised to experience this night in this very same way again.

I crave to stain your lips with my name
Easing every syllable, vowel, and consonant across your tongue
Excavating into the base of your throat
Edging through your lungs
Becoming your every breath and sigh alike.

I desire to drip my mind down your back
Lacing every thought I can through the notches of your spine
Allowing ideas to glide across tranquil shoulder blades
Enable my intellect to become your most sumptuous support system.

I necessitate tracing my soul across your collarbone
Purr my subconscious into the deepest crevices of your chest
Inspire my pneuma up and down your incomparable neck.

I can make you feel meaningful again,
Touch me so I don't feel so empty anymore.

if i were to write you, you'd be
misspelled words
sloppy handwriting
slashed out sentences
unformed thoughts
and simple ideas never fully pulled together

do you remember
sitting on the trampoline
deep into the night
hours unknown but the moon told us his story
used the stars as his main characters
and the sun as his lover

do you remember
counting blades of grass
watching the patch of dirt grow larger
as you pulled each peice of green seperate from the earth
but got sad when i yanked the dandelion from the ground
and tossed it into the driveway

do you remember
how cold the lake water was on my hands
and how the trees seemed to have more of a conversation than we did
although the park bench was fine in the moment
your friends couch was where i felt we should stay
and in the morning i couldnt remember the silence from before

do you remember
feeling like there was no end coming fast without reason
feeling like each day could be something new for us
feeling like you did on drunken nights laying on that small mattress

do you remember feeling

Tell me how you miss me
Show me your sweet agony
Express your love once more to set me free

Read me your lies
Try your hardest to make me fine
Murmur your final sweet goodbyes

You took me to an art museum
I spent most of the time watching you
Instead of looking at the art on the walls

I wish I could at least remember
the name of your favorite painting
The way you looked at it,
Kept me captivated.

You said you needed space
So I gave you to the universe
But you got lost among the stars, trapped against a moon,
And you asked for me to bring you back.

You said you needed to stay closer
So I put you back in my box
But claustrophobia got the best of you, shrunk yourself smaller,
And you asked me for more room.

You said you wanted distance
So I left for somewhere new
Though adventure was just down my street, I left for cities farther,
And I asked for you to follow.

I would sleep better on your floor
Than I do in my own bed.

I hate sleepless nights
And rolling over to the spot you always lay
Instead of into your arms.

I would enjoy the scratch of your carpet on my body
And pillow creases against my cheeks
As long as it means I'm next to you.

I can't stand all these pillows anymore
Without you to share them with.

You're never available anymore
and plans are cancelled before confirmed
I want you around like you were last year
But, I've marked my calendar and you're not here.

Strange- how you have changed
Given 365 days and I'm not sure you're the same.
Yes, I'm happy you've grown- sculpted yourself,
And there's no denying I've changed too,
But you put me on a shelf.

Yet, you still hold onto me
I'm unsure of what you're going to do
We're becoming new people- do you agree
I'm keeping a tight hold on something involving you
Maybe
Let's just cut the connection to start progressing
Find where we should be.

What I would give;
To show you mountains and canyons and streams,
To watch you slip away into a dream,
To get lost in all this reality,
To see your mind truly set free .

What I would do;
To show you how to live,
To watch you become creative,
To get a taste of your incentive,
To see your mind'sperspective .

What can I say;
To show you that I'm here,
To watch you take my hand and come near,
To get you too understand that I'm sincere
To see you accept me, forever, my dear ?

Open windows
Rainy night
Your arms
Tangled legs
Slow breathing
Sleepy eyes
Thunderstorms in my mind even though
I'm only thinking of you.

I miss last summer
And mattresses on the floor
And empty liquor bottles
And coming back for more.

I miss the beginning
How strange it might have seemed
That the adventures I now look back on
Now sit on my mind like fuzzy dreams.

Your car was way too hot for me
Most rides were windows down
Can’t forget falling asleep in your passenger seat
Whenever you drove around.

Each day was nothing different
Laying on that trampoline became routine
But that’s what I loved the most
Like in a movie, we played the scenes.

I miss last summer
And a room without a door
And a front porch covered in people
With the one that I adored.

Was i way your hands slipped around my waist,
Or the protective grasp in your embrace?

The feelings you gave to me, I cannot deny
And yet I sit here still, asking myself why.


What made you fall silent and turn away from me?
There were some things that you saw, but you didn't truly see.

Accusing and betrayed, there was a pain in your voice
I knew you had settled, you had made your choice.


I'm not sure if it was the pain in your eyes or maybe it was  the sorrow in your words,
But I decided to leave you at that, my mind in a blur.


And I guess that was my mistake; not fighting more for you.
So I've thought about it for some time and realized sadly it's still something I'd never do.

Even though you now tell me you're sorry, and you believe what I have said,
I still can't stop these thoughts from running through my head.

You'll still be leaving in less than a year,
And I'll be sitting with all our memories here.

I had a dream
I was in your bed
Painting pictures at 3 pm
We weren't together
But I was still there
Comfortable in the friendship we still have left
You came home
Started painting too
We finished up
Cleaned our brushes
And made plans to start picture two
Next weekend, then the next
I nice rotation
A series of paintings.

stop
Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe
go
Repeat, repeat. walk a straight line
pause
Stay now, breathe again
go
Remember. scream
stop
Forget, live without fear
pause*
it's all okay now

My poetry doesn't have to perfect.
It usually sounds incomplete,
Or sloppy
And exaggerated.
While mostly careless
Written completely miserably
It turns out substandard
My poetry usually feels like you.

However, on occasion my writing is immaculate;
Reaching heights of beauty;
No flower ever dreamed of being so elegant.
Vines twisting into words forming sentence forming rhythm,
Pristine sparkling letters dripping from each petal.
I am euphoric and growing each day
This writing is a mirror into the garden taking over your spot in my mind.

Surprise
I wrote about you
Once again

The truth is, though;
I will always have leftover feelings for you...
And you, and you, and you.

I put so much of myself into the time I had with you-
That when the end came near-
I had to leave a piece of myself with you so I'd never have to carry it around with me.

And that is why:
My mind always wanders back around...
At some point, random memories sneak in.
At some point, I remember what it felt just lay next to you.
At some point, I think back to giggling along to the jokes we told.
And each moment I fall all over for you, even if for a few seconds.
That is why I will always have leftover feelings for you.

Jaded seemed to be your favorite word
I sometimes made myself laugh at the idea
Of keeping a count of how many times I heard the word slip out of your mouth.

I wasn't ready

Sudden change
That's what happens to people who get jaded as easily as you do
I didn't count on a forever, but
I didn't anticipate the sudden stop.

I expected more
Sleepless nights curled up against your back
Running my fingers across your shoulder blades
Tracing your spine as you slept
Kissing the sleep from your lips
Fixing your hair before you go to work
Coffee and Scrabble
Art museums and Monet
Guitar picks scattered across my floor
Countless nights of new movies
Long drives in your broken car
And listening to your favorite songs that I never could remember the words to.. but kept on my playlist anyways

I didn't prepare myself for a final night
Last kiss
See you later hug
Erasing future plans
Letting go of the love I still had left for you
Wondering if there will be another chance.

"What are you thinking?"
"... Now what?"

When I first met you
You were just someone
Filled with extreme ideas I once believed would never make it far.

But now,
It's like your mind is the sea
And when you speak,
Suddenly I'm not afraid of being too deep
I no longer fear the unknown.

Tonight, I scrubbed at my body like my skin was trying to forget you.
I pressed soap into every individual pore as hard as I once wrapped myself around you,
Stripped my hair of all oils so that it could no longer feel like how your fingers ran through it
And let the bubbles run down the curves of my body as I turned the water so hot-
My skin glowed red and angry, I wasn’t sure if it was at you, or me.
The steam evaporated into the ceiling as quickly as you did when I drove away.

I stepped out- skin burning and fingers like raisins,
Collarbones red from scrubbing so roughly,
Hair tangled and dripping, soap still running down my back
Drops of water tracing each knot in my spine before dripping into the puddle at my feet.
I wrapped the towel tightly around me and it didn’t feel like you any longer,
It finally felt like I washed you down the drain.
New skin will grow over and I will finally belong to myself again.

There is nothing more peaceful
than this gentle park
during the earliest morning hours
between midnight and daybreak.

Stumbling out a cracked window
to find serenity and answers in dimly flickering street lamps
and dew stained grass.

Walking along the evenly spaced trees
looking up towards branches
sprouting spring leaves like fingers against a dark sky.

The pale moon emitting a walkway against the sidewalk
leading towards abandoned swing sets
and benches waiting for the next day visitors.

These benches know all,
hearing stories of sorrow and romance
exchanged between couples-
offering comfort oddly through steel bars.

There is nothing more calming
than this last park bridge
at 3 in the morning.

You are the lump in my throat,
And I am trying not to choke
On words unsaid
And notes unread.
But the letters have started to look jumbled,
My voice is coming out mumbled
And I cannot remember what it was
That I was waiting to discuss.
But here you are, you’re laying against me now,
A tight line is formed against my mouth
And I’m trying to tell you just how I feel
But the sentences I form will not become real.

There are going to be times where you'll feel like you'll want to change yourself
don't.
Even if it's to be a better person
don't.
Because right when you feel like you're about to change everything around
and have found just the right thing to help you along
something bad will happen again
and the you that cared
won't.

Wandering hands
fingers tracing spines
sliding up
grazing bases of necks
shivers
gripping shoulder blades

Wandering hands
fingers combing through hair
sliding down
grazing bases of necks
twists
grasping hair

Wandering hands
have a way of getting lost
tracing rivers tracing spines
down the body, ravine racing breath
the mind; the only map
using the memory of freckles and goosebumps and skin and bone
wandering hands create adventure.