Wandering hands
fingers tracing spines
sliding up
grazing bases of necks
shivers
gripping shoulder blades

Wandering hands
fingers combing through hair
sliding down
grazing bases of necks
twists
grasping hair

Wandering hands
have a way of getting lost
tracing rivers tracing spines
down the body, ravine racing breath
the mind; the only map
using the memory of freckles and goosebumps and skin and bone
wandering hands create adventure.

I crave you in the most innocent of ways.
You're like my morning refreshment,
that pulls me awake in a single thought of what's to come.
However, you're also my nighttime procrastination,
attempting to not think of time spent before drifting into slumber.

I indulge in the memory in the bright morning,
when I imagine that it is your sleepy smile pressed against mine,
instead of the lipstick stained rim to my coffee mug.
I imagine that it is your breath I am breathing in,
instead of the steam rising from my small cup.

And as I prepare myself for the day ahead,
I envision your arms wrapped meticulously around my hips,
instead of the sweater you always loved to see me wear.
I envision that it is the warmth I used to feel radiate through my inner body whilst watching the slight curve to your smile as you would greet me every daybreak,
instead of my car heater, striving to produce comfort in the early Texas winter.
I envision that it is your voice chorusing along as you strum an assiduously memorized Hallelujah on your guitar
instead of Jeff Buckley emerging through my worn out speakers.

And yet, I spoil myself with the memory of you as I yawn through my afternoon work;
I compromise: just one cup of coffee will keep me mindful.
But I also begin to deplore these sedulously laid out fabrications and daydreams when it's 3 in the morning, and the sun is still asleep and I've just brewed my second cup of you're sweet quality for the day.

I only write letters to you when the leaves change colors,
My mood starts to bend as the winter wind blows in.
The gardens are wilting but I'm steadily growing,
Rising higher as the sunset comes earlier.
Do you think the snow will come this year?
Will it feel like home used to?
Upwards on the map where winter is a battle between the sun and the moon;
Winds chill bones, rattle teeth, and shake hands.
Will the paved streets sparkle with ice as the midnight hour creeps across the sky?
Think of me when you sit by the bonfires
Friends will laugh along and music will dance in the smoke,
But will it still feel like fall without me there?

There is a hole in our boat,
and though it be still small,
I tread the water lightly around it-
for every careful step i take to patch it back again
only cracks it open farther.

Instead of rowing on the water
we are swimming and fighting to keep afloat-
still trying to save the vessel that is already underwater.
Our feet can't touch the bottom,
but we still look and press to feel grounded against open water.

Paddles snapped in two long ago,
floating farther from where we float.
All i want is to keep rowing-
shore has to be close now.

there are some days i think
"wow, i'm finally over you"
and then there are nights where i lay in bed alone
at 2 am
and i'm staring at the blank ceiling
and something will stir in my memory
and i realize i'll never get past you
and it's those thoughts that hurt the most.

It’s not always that I’m reminded of the fun we had
Only sometimes when I let myself go
Deep into my memories, most have faded away
But a few remain

Some arguments, lots of jokes and laughs, a few nights in tears
And all that’s fine
It’s just the less I know of you now the more it all seems faked
Is my mind playing another trick on me
Or is that just you

Again, I fall deep into my memories
Why do you block the exit?

We are laying
At the wrong end of my bed
Laughing way to hard
5 a.m. is beginning to shine through my window
Your smile looks so warm and I am falling in love over and over again

Days are passing faster
My mind no longer spins as hard-
I have found my peace
In the thoughts I cannot stop.

My clock ticks
Seconds passing, and minutes, and hours, and days-
A year has gone by
I am still affected
But no longer stunned by flashing memory of you.

I am experienced in my own control now
I have power over my mind
And I use it everyday to push you out.

I used to love change
Always wanted something different
Something new
Until I met someone who craved change, too

Until I fell in love with you
Who was quickly bored of tedious routine.

Then is when I started fearing change
There was always the reality that you would need
Something different
Someone different
Something different
Something new

I fell in love with changing never
I am still in love with the boy that faded

I whisper to him
"Speak to me-
Speak to me in the language that I do not."

He breathed into the darkness
"Mi amor, tú eres el fuego"

I stop him and tell him
"No, do not tell of my being;
Speak of things arbitrary to me-
Make me fall in love with a useless conversation."

He is silent as he loops his gentle fingers roughly through my belt loops, pulling me closer
Until our bodies are one
His lips press to my collar bone
He opens his mouth and burns the sentence into my skin
"Mi amor por ti es el fuego.."

And here, I fall in love with his fire.

My thoughts take a numbing halt
Lightning strikes down my spine
I cannot feel, but I can still see.

The world continues moving around me,
Though, I am stuck in repetition
Cannot pull myself out of my own head
It is like I am living each day in a false reality.

I am not walking around my neighborhood each morning,
Instead I am following beside a girl who looks and acts as I do.
I watch her comb through the thoughts in her mind;
Pick apart each problem and wonder how she has decided to solve them.
She gently pushes herself to continue down another street,
For she will not return home until her mind is settled.
Today she is a ghost of whoever she used to be.
In the final moment,
As my mind nearly slips away entirely,
We become one body again as I round the corner back to my street-
My house approaches and I catch up to my feet again.

Instances like you show just how weak I am
How easy it is to wrap my mind around the idea that I could be something more
That I could push myself towards something I want.

But how easy it is for you to come around and change everything I once believed.

It's nearly 6 a.m.
and I'm still awake-
My head pushed against your pillow, because mine's fallen to the floor.
You're still slightly snoring,
Still snoozing softly,
and I am filled and I am happy.

It's dark outside, I'm waiting on sun to seep through your blinds
I suppose it's going to be cloudy today-
But I can still see your slumber;
The way your chest rises and falls with my breath,
Your eyelids flutter slowly in tune to the dreams dancing across your head.
I stroke your hair and your fingers twitch gently against my arm.
I never want to fall back asleep,
I am entranced by your dormancy.
Looking at you makes me feel everything I've ever wanted all at once.

The alarm clock sounds
and I'm just starting to doze off
But you're rolling over-
Arms wrap around me, pulling me closer
and I can't tell if I'm smiling at you or in my dream
But I am so happy in our small moment.

Please press snooze
I need you to sleep with me now.

Bruises covered with foundation
Long sleeves to hide hand prints and finger grips
When people ask
She always tells the story
"Oh he was just playing, he's too sweet to mean it."

But I never thought that I
Would be the one telling myself this story
In hopes I can convince my mind the same

As night became and daytime was lost,
There was a simple pleasure in the air
And we became a flurry of hands and lips and skin.

As morning broke and the moon said goodbye,
A chill crept along the grass
And we became a rush of clothes and coffee and car keys.

As afternoon so suddenly was there and the morning whispered farewell,
Came the instantaneous surge of the people in the streets
And we became a standstill of stares and worries and send offs.

Nostalgia crashed head on-
Its headlights seared into my eyes and blinded me as I drove 80 down the rainy highway.

The roads have always been in this same spot,
But 3 months ago my stomach didn't flip and flutter as I rounded each corner
Every sign didn't glow as bright red as they do right now,
And the letters STOP seem to mean something more than a sturdy press on the brakes.

These streets look different from behind a steering wheel..
Do I miss sitting on the passenger side, legs crisscrossed on the seat, staring out the window at the stretch of nothing
Or do I miss the one who always drove the car-
Route memorized, something I could never catch the hang of,
I always miss this exit, he never thought twice about which one it was.

I wonder if I can race nostalgia past the stop lights,
Fly by when it flashes neon green-
It's all meant to be left in the past anyways.

I want to stain your lips with my name
Drip my mind down your back
Trace your collar bones with my soul.

Please touch me so I don't feel so ******* empty.

I find myself, too often, lately
jumping from elation to monotony in a matter of hours;
finding happiness in your conversation,
and routine when you leave.

I tend to always desire more chances to break away from the typical-
to find more in you,
to appease all my urges at once.
I am restless and always craving something new,
a thrill to top the last,
something that will leave me with every bit of myself halcyon.

For all that, I am disinclined to grant myself this appetite for something more.
Fear that once I do, I will no longer find excitement in myself.

It hurts
Because,
Calling you "my love"
Doesn't seem
Strong enough
Anymore.

I keep replacing that night
That night that made my ribs ache most
Pounding chest and watered eyes as you told me
You could feel yourself fading from me
Panic crept into my throat and choked me up
You probably thought the only reason
I didn’t fight was because I was such a closed off person
But my words kept slamming against the back of my teeth
My tongue sliced the air so no sound could escape

You asked for a hug
But my hands were still tight under my thighs
Focused on not trembling as hard as they are as I write this now

I thought this was only something you felt when
The one you still love no longer loves you
Turns out I get to experience the same emotion
As I now force myself to find a love meant for you.

I can’t shake the feeling that we are not
Finished.
Like I’ve been writing a story, but can’t type the
Ending.
Conversation with you is short, and mostly
Halted-
By your spacious replying and conversation
Unexciting.

One part of me wants nothing left to do with you,
While another begs you to pick up the phone so I can hear hello.
One part of me wants to delete your number and text threads,
While another adds an extra heart by your name and changes the pictures.
One part of me wants to give the other guy a chance,
While another feels guilty since there was no proper ending.

Letting go seemed easy while I wrote it all out
But then came time to conclude this poem

It is so easy to drain a writer of all emotion
Pushing every ounce of energy into their work,
It only takes a small pinch to make every feeling flow from their veins
Every once beautiful word drip past their lips down their throat
Choked in the bottom of their stomach
Creating empty shells of someone who could once let every piece of their soul drip down a pen soaking paper by paper
Once letting notebooks fill with blood of the mind
creating art so effortlessly
Now becomes a pain
It is so easy to make a writer feel gone.

This has got to be the thousandth time Ive thought of you tonight.

I would keep a tally
But
At this point everytime I touch a pen,
I just end up writing about you instead.

I kept searching for paradise,
and then I found it
in the color of your eyes radiating ideas too big for the world to ever understand.

I kept searching for something more,
and then I found it
in the flavor of your kiss far too passionate for the world to understand.

I kept searching for something else like you
and I never found it.

I am brutally falling for you.

I scar my knuckles with bruises as I grip your hand in mine
Hoping to never let you go.
Break my teeth keeping jealousy at bay
Trying hard not to let you hear the worst of what I should say.
Slice my tongue against your skin
Attempting to breathe in every bit of you while I still can.

I break my bones holding on so tight each night
Only to repair and prepare for when you leave each morning.

Laying in bed, I breathe out a sigh
For your head lays across my stomach
Just below where he would lie.

And though you say you want to fully understand
The deepness of my sigh,
To do that would drive you from my hands.

Because you would lose your mind before you began to comprehend mine
And dear,
I don't think I'm prepared for you to leave tonight.

But maybe if you give me your best,
I'll let you fall into
My heaving, sunken chest.

It's nearly 3 in the morning
I'm still awake
And ****,
I'm still thinking about your eyes.

Being with you,
I kept myself from writing
Mainly because I was afraid of being sad again
My writing is always just sad

Now that you've left,
I have words flying around in my head
Attacking my thoughts
I didn't want this to be sad

I'm pretty sure that in a few months
You'll still be the subject of awful sad writing

You've got an intimidating smile,
One that sends mixed signals.

What's your next move?

I wish I saw more often
The "I just figured you out" smirk,
I want to know what's in your mind.

I see your grin more than anything,
The type that gets wider the more passionate you are about something...

It's usually music.

Childish laughter and enthusiastic twinkle is what I fell in love with.
I see this displayed on you mostly when I sit across the room at parties
While you talk with others.

I want to see it more often
When I'm curled up in your pasenger seat
As you've got a new song pounding through the speakers,
Wide grin as you tap out the beat against your steering wheel and thigh.

I long for your sleepy slight smirks,
Again.
The one that I'm sure you never know that you make
In the middle of the night when I wake up and press into your chest.
You're softly asleep,
But your lips still slightly curl.

All I can recognize from you now are
Dry, empty tight lips
Unsure, careful laughs
But every now and then nostalgia curls into your grin and i remember all the smiles I fell so hard into.

I liked it better,
when you kept your clothes on the floor of my closet-
Keeping your shirts on hangers between my own
was a connection I didn't know I needed so badly.

I felt like I had more security
Knowing you always had a reason
to come back to me.

Your black and grey t shirt feels a lot more loose
now that we've disconnected.
I wish I could find at least one of your cardigans hidden in my laundry.

I miss having you around
I miss your shoes in my closet.

Ripped away-
You were here.
Now no more.