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 Dec 2016 Rickie Louis
mxy
i used to write
i'm not sure what made me stop

i suppose maybe it was the small glimmer of hope that began to appear.
the happy smile that i actually felt and not faked for once.
i wasn't sad for a moment
i wasn't anxious
i was simply caught in time

but you could say i'm back
because when it comes to notes, it's real
when it comes to looking back on my thoughts it's real
when it comes to eating less and less it's real
when it comes to crying more it's real
when it comes to questioning my sanity it's real
when it comes to wanting to disappear again ... it's real

hello depression, here i am
ready to be consumed again
ready to get lost in the dark hole that's so incredibly hard to climb out of

i guess i just couldn't stay away
maybe i was meant to be sad
after all, it got me to write again ay?
 Dec 2016 Rickie Louis
Jellyfish
I remember leaving the car and walking towards you...
My heart was pounding,
and my thoughts were blurry.
I have goosebumps remembering how I felt then and how I still feel now...
I'm ecstatic, you always solve my heart's quadratics.
I'm happy with you, and you're happy with me. Sorry if I make no sense, I'm about to sleep.
It never storms when you want it to,
At most it slips quietly away into a cold, harsh rain
Because you are never graced with rage,
But you are burdened with despair,
And though thunder begs to leap from your lungs,
The tears choke it back down to nothing,
Nothing but a desperate silence.

And though you hope for rainbows,
The tears come too heavy, too thick,
The world exists as a cruel distortion,
And all you can hear is the deafening sound of your rain,
But then the silence hits you,
But the sun doesn't shine down on you
Because your sun doesn't shine.

And then the thunder storm comes,
Though you tried not seek it out,
The thunder is no longer choked out of your body,
And the lightening shines white hot and angry in your eyes,
And you revel in your wrath
Because your sadness gave way to rage,
And in all of its perverted glory, you desired it.

Because you've forgotten about the rainbow,
Because you've forgotten about the sunshine.
I feel like it's not fair to let you love me

Like I'd be taking something from you if you did
If I give in

I know it takes two
But I have the burden of knowing
And what I know of this world doesn't lend itself to love

There's no room for it
Not for long anyway

So let me hold onto you
As much as I can
Before you go by my wayside like the rest

But wayside you must go
Cause in the end
I'll never trust that you love me
And I'll never trust that you'll stay

I know down to my bones that I'll always be alone
So your eyes do nothing for me

And that universe that I see
That looks the same as mine
Is a reflection
It's exactly what I need

Smoke and mirrors every time
Pretty people choose pretty people,
Rich with rich,
Poor with poor,
Shy with shy,
And so the world divides.
Everything I feel comes
to me all at once
or not at all.
He looked at me
and whispered words of love
I wanted to touch him
And make love to his bare body
But I was already naked
He was deep inside my thoughts
And his love was pulsating trough my veins
being inside your brain meant more than having you inside my body
-S
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