I'm breathing.
That's all I've been doing lately.
Sometimes it's hard to get my next breath to reach my lungs.
That's usually when your name flashes through my head. Or her name. Or the fact that you left so easily. So fast.
I wish this hurt you, too.
And I always try to stop myself when my mind wanders there because I love you.
God I love you.
But I just wanna know that this isn't just hard for me. I wanna know that somewhere you're thinking about me. Somewhere my name flashes through your head and it becomes difficult for your next breath to reach your lungs.
I just wanna know.
Because lately I've been feeling kind of abandoned and it's funny because when you start to believe that maybe people don't always leave, they leave.
And I never thought you'd leave.
But you did.
And I stayed.
And I'm stuck.
I'm stuck on the way you breathe when you're sleeping and how cute your voice is when you first wake up. I'm stuck on the feeling I got when you said you loved me and the way we argued a lot but you never let me go to sleep feeling like you weren't in love with me.
God I love you.
And this is so hard.
This hurts so ******* much.
But I'd take all the pain in the world just to see you happy.
I'll watch you love someone else if that'll make you happy.
All I want is to hear you say I made you happy.
I wish you would come back to me.
I love you.

The doubt...it fills me to the brim with anxiety until it is too painful to bare.

The jealousy...its like trying to avoid breathing in smoke when your house is in flames and the windows are locked..suffocating.

The love...its like the pain you feel while having an asthma attack.. you cant breath the air you so desperately need and the harder you try the more your chest aches.. the more your world sways near destruction at the thought of never tasting the addictively sweet scented air. Its like I can almost see the end from this spot where i brace myself in your arms from whats to come. Its crazy..looking for protection in the arms of the enemy.

The shame and the guilt.. its like learning to hate myself all over again after having spent 4 ******* years just to be okay with being alive without that person whos name I still cant seem to say.. its like I want to scream "THIS IS YOUR FAULT!! SHE WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME BECAUSE YOU LET HER. YOU EVEN HELD HER WHILE SHE POINTED THE GUN RIGHT AT MY HEART THAT WAS MEANT ONLY FOR YOU " But I cant because I choke on the love that I have for you that was never my idea in the first place.

The end... its like going through hell all over again.. its like standing on the tracks knowing a train is on its way but I cant move because you told me if I really loved you I would stay forever. Even as the end is on its way.

The darkness fills my lungs and makes it difficult to breathe.
I try to call for help,
but my weary voice is suffocated by the hands of loneliness.

No one sees my pain,
no one knows how often I cry myself to sleep.
The hope of something yet to come is the only thing keeping me going.
But is that enough?

I just don't know if I can do this anymore.
Fake smiles become harder and harder,
and forced laughter breaks my heart.
Hiding this void inside me is slowly killing me.

I need to end this.
But the only way to stop everything is to destroy the beast inside.
I hope you understand.

a haiku a day
keeps the depression away
or so i have learned

As the blue moon climbs over the Potomac River,
I lay my tired body down next to the planted field.
Momma tells me that I’ll turn 13 tomorrow; my birthday wish….to be free
Like brail, the scars on my back speak to the humility in my life.
My dog Jip lays beside me and with a warm tongue conveys everything will be fine.

It’s the early fall here at Georgetown University
My name is Cornelius, Cornelius Hawkins and I write these words so you know my plight.
Here with me are my father, mother and 2 yr old sister.
We toil the field from dawn to dusk…the salt herring and cornmeal give us strength.
And my hands are forever clinging to this rosary and I pray God will hear my prayers.

I can’t begin to tell how afraid I am each and every day.
I try not to dwell on our strife and struggles, but day dream of downright happiness.
My family and our ancestors before us have been confined to slavery for 200 years.
Momma always says “There is no slavery, just ignorance”.
I hold her words near and dear to my heart and I never give up hope for a better life.