Plenty of fish in the sea,
Or so she was taught to believe.
Men come and go, like the tides and the waves,
But she almost drowned trying to get them to stay.

She kept them proud and warm
And waited out their storm,
Now she's pacing the shore with her heart in her hand,
Only one pair of footprints is left in the sand.

Maybe she was meant to be
The lighthouse for the lonely.
For again she is left with the moonlight above,
Watching the waves for love.

- p. winter

There's a lesson to be learned
In crying at 3:00 am
Missing the one
You never got along with.

Love is walking away
To let the butterflies die
Before we have a chance
To die with them.

- p. winter

How much did the devil pay
To see me in your bed?
And how much would I offer him
To save the blood I’ve shed?
Will hell show pride or pity
When it takes us newly wed?
The flames can have my body,
For my soul's already dead.

- p. winter

Everyone gets sad every now and then; gloomy, down in the dumps. But like rainbow after storm we find the light again and move on from our sadness, allowing ourselves to live beautifully and colourfully.

For some, this does not apply. There is no rainbow after the storm for their storm never ends. It's a thickness that dwells deeper than bone marrow, a sadness attached to the core of their chests. A longing for a relief that will never be granted. This sadness is deadly.

So how does one love those who refuse to be loved? How do you look them in their clouded eyes and tell them they mean the world to you? How do you watch them hate everything about themselves and have no way of showing them how perfect they are in your eyes? How do you make it stop?

You can't, it's not that simple. This sadness is not a light switch that can be flicked on and off. You'll never fully save them from it (this will hurt you almost as much as them), but you can try to make it easier.

Listen to what they have to say, don't force them to be like you,
Love them for whate'er they are, their coping mechanisms too.
Hold them closely to your chest and always let go last,
Teach them to live in the moment instead of dwelling on the past.

There is no perfect way to love someone who doesn't love themselves.  There will always be down days, relapses, set backs, but none are intentional. Do not be angry with the one you love for not being able to leave the house for a day. Do not scold them for crying over spilled milk - literally. Do not make them feel like this uncontrollable sadness is entirely their fault - if you do this, you are not worthy of their love to begin with.

Loving someone sad is never easy, it can take some work, but you must remember how much work it takes for them to accept the love that they believe
They are not worthy of.

- p. winter

*******.
I want to yell and cry and break something when I think about him.
But I accidentally happened upon a photo of him.
And I smiled.
Without thinking, I smiled.
And my first thought was
“There he is. Look at him go.
Look at how he can, just by sitting,
Draw the attention of the world.
As if the sunlight changes direction
Just to keep him from the shadows.”
And then I remembered.
And I yelled
And I cried
And I broke my favourite mug.
Because, despite my best efforts,
I cannot hate him.

- p. winter

The words in the answer
"I'm fine"
From the lips of one who's not
Are as much of a lie
As those in the the question
"How are you?"
From the lips of one
Who couldn't care less.

- p. winter

it must be magic
how you take my darkness and
turn it into fire

- p. winter

Maria all but said goodbye,
Maria ran with haste,
Maria would at last receive
The love she loy'lly chased.
Maria left her life behind,
Without a chance to cry.
But Maria gave too much, too soon,
And watched her lover die.

- p. winter

I’m your marionette
You pull my strings
With all the force you like.
My head will nod
My feet will trod
Whichever way you like.
My body lies
In your control
Just the way you like.

- p. winter

I feel my skull shrink.
Mental voices scream as the
Walls slowly compress.

- p. winter

“You will be missed.”
You have been all along.

- p. winter

Papa lost his papa to a poison in his veins,
Then followed in his footsteps, heading straight toward the grave,
But papa lived to watch my mama grieve her very own,
And I learned in early childhood that the hospital was home.
Now papa’s oldest sister, and his second from the last,
Are forced to sit and watch as their own bodies fail to last.
Meanwhile I’m watching mama cry into the telephone,
‘Cause her papa’s ‘cross the ocean and he’s dying all alone,
And she’d give away her soul to merely kiss him once goodbye,
But the flights are too expensive, and the oceans are too wide.
I yearn to take their suff’ring, pray it kills me in their place,
But I couldn’t make my mama claim another lifeless face.

- p. winter

I still wear your shirt to bed,
Still have your voice stuck in my head.
I know I had to let you go
But how it breaks my heart to know
That you are slowly moving on.
I wish that I could be that strong.
Instead, I’ll slowly dim the light
And wear your shirt again tonight.

- p. winter

I met you around the time Zac and I were to be engaged.
It was an arranged marriage,
But he promised me a lifetime of happiness.
They told me some loving would benefit my health.
That he could make me smile again.
So I stuck with him.
Every night.
You and I would meet behind his back.
He wasn't the only one who made me happy.
There was something about you
That made me forget about him.
Almost as if
I didn't need him anymore.
But they said I was commited to this relationship.

They told me Zac would work his magic 3-4 weeks after our first date.
And he did.
I smiled.
I forgot.
I relaxed.
I let go.
It was nice to be happy again.
Everyone around me saw it.
But then it was time to take it up a notch.
I was told to love him in the mornings and evenings,
Twice a day.
Then three times.
Then four.
Until I forgot what it was like to be single.
They didn't know I snuck out to be with you.

Eventually I was a whole new person.
I didn't worry about matched socks.
I didn't cry over spilled secrets.
I didn't retreat when the going got tough.
I learned to laugh at myself
Listen to myself
Love myself
Be myself.
The quiet world of whites and greys began to
EXPLODE
Into fireworks of vibrant colours.
I picked flowers!
I made music!
I flew kites!
The old me
Faded
From memory.

I was happy.
I am happy.

They said my life would never be the same.
That Zac had seeped into my brain
And taught me to see the beauty in life.
To find the rainbows in the rain.
They congratulated us on our marriage.
The couple of the century.
But, you see, I met you around the time Zac and I were to be engaged.
Maybe it was a coincidence.
Maybe it was the timing.
Maybe it was fate.
But I had broken up with Zac a month after he proposed.
I never met him twice a day.
Or three times.
Or four.
All this time
He wasn't the one
Who had taught me
To be happy.

- p. winter

why we do this to ourselves
remains a mystery

our conversations all wear
the same clean livery
the words fall into line
as if they've been rehearsed
it's like we're both too scared to improvise
it's a curse

why is either too afraid
to be the first to speak a phrase
overwhelmed with what the other
could think or do or say

why do we look into
each other's eyes
and tell ourselves
the same old lies
believing

that this feeling

will one day
go away

- p. winter

It took sixteen years to become acquainted with my old self.

The self that:

Could not write on crumpled papers,
Or sleep in untucked sheets,
Played her scales robotically,
Left no word incomplete.
Labelled all the cupboards,
Books were organized by name,
This was the life I led.
I never knew that it would change.

it took 4 weeks to fall in love with my new self

the
self
tha
t

writes on ollld receipts,
   kicks the covers        off the bed
     ~lets my fingers play freely~
         not every sentence has an en-
            stores shoes with coffee mugs!!
               writes in mArGiNs to save time
                  not all rules need to be   f o l l o w e d
                    not all poems need to

                        sound the same

who knew that little pill
would teach me how to live
not erase the 'me' that showed
but bring out the 'me' that hid
16 years of worry
of obsessive, anxious thoughts
who knew that little pill
would change me
I,
for one,
did not
.

- p. winter

The words I cannot say to you
I'll trace along your spine
To a record player's susurrating song.
I fight the feel of falling,
Asleep or otherwise,
But the nocturnes lull,
And so you pull me quietly along.

- p. winter

morning
    karma
       luck
        day
         job
         try
       wife
      heart
  evening
      effort
      work
      night
  ­       bye

none
of
which
are
good
any
more

- p. winter

Whether I live or die
Has become decided by
A game of
"how many meals is one too few?"

- p. winter

on we go
alone we grow
to cradle grief
and seek relief
of final breath
that quiet death
would unto us
at last bestow

- p. winter

You will never be my other half
For I am already whole.
But I will gladly let you in
That we may be wholly in love.

- p. winter

We know not all endings are meant to be happy
We’ve seen not all fairytales are meant to come true
But tell me „forever“
Tell me „I do“
I will too, and gladly
For our story’s unwritten
And I’ll take a chance
On filling the pages
With you

- p. winter

If time would do the honour
Of only standing still,
I’d rest in your protection
And never say ‘until.’

If time would do a favour
And give me one more night,
I’d close my eyes and will the sun
To never show her light.

- p. winter

our lips don’t touch, they only sigh,
your arms hang limp, not ‘round my waist,
you laugh and face away, and I
would rather die than know the taste
of what outside my reach does lie

- p. winter

O wretchēd Love, I do beseech thee,
Free me from this prison thine.
I've felt the cold of hell's abyss,
I've tasted poison in each kiss,
And so, o Love, I ask but this:
Release me now, to heav'n divine.

- p. winter

Fascinating, isn't it,
How the sight of you was once all it took
To melt away the wax inside my knees.
How your eyes locked with mine and, without fail,
Monarchs took flight inside of me,
And the afternoon sky filled with stars.

And yet
I see you now
And my joints stiffen in the cold.
With every step you take,
I feel you leave
All over again.

- p. winter

He saw the enchanting flow'r bed.
Thought: for the girl he had wed,
That a flower he'd pick;
But was by the thorn pricked!
And stained all the white roses blood red.

- p. winter

The world continued
To force my tears
And beat me while
I was already down
But I heard your voice
And I saw your smile
And the world
Is nothing now.

- p. winter

My heart be weary,
My cheeks be teary,
My shoulders sagged,
Mine eyelids bleary.
Perchance 'twill be
What dispatches me:
Destroying mine own self
For thee.

- p. winter

I lowered my standards for you.
Not because you were anything less than wonderful,
But because I used my fear of imperfection
As an excuse to protect my heart.
But you, and your imperfections,
Are perfect to me.
- p. winter

His laughter accompanies hers like harmonies you've never heard
Their hands fit together as if moulded to do so
Her eyes look into his with more love than he has ever seen

They're perfect for each other
Now if only I
Were she

- p. winter

The perfect excuse
To ask everyone you know
If you can shoot them

you can see smiles on all the faces
of people pretending to be alright
but if you look hard enough
you'll also see
their lie in being
polite

- p. winter

I don’t want to be angry,
I want to run into your arms and tell you all the details of my day.

I don’t want to be lonely,
I want to feel you hold me close and promise me we’ll make it there someway.

But rage hurts less than sadness,
And loneliness I know,
So I’ll continue moving on
The only way I know
And scream your name into my pillow
Just to let you go.

- p. winter

Maybe thunder is just rain clouds
Calling for someone to cry with.

- p. winter

Throughout history,

Hearts have been broken,
Children have died,
Tears have been shed
By widows who cried,
Wars have been fought,
Homes have been burned,
Errors repeated
From lessons unlearned,
Good have been murdered,
Bad given freedom,
Rich throw to waste
What the poor yearn to feed on.
Few have found refuge;
Re-learned how to smile.

Who?

The poets who sat down
And wrote for a while.

- p. winter

A mess of codependency,
Anxiety and jealousy,
I pray that you remember me.

A hopeless wreck that can’t allow
Herself to get up from the ground,
Remember me as I am now.

Watch me blossom, shine, and dance,
Dream and learn of true romance,
Be a witness to this change
As my own thoughts I rearrange.

You'll hear the difference in my voice
And feel the difference in my hands,
For I will prove I made a choice
To find the one I truly am.

Remember me in tears and stress,
Remember me at all my lows,
For I will morph and soon progress.
Remember me,
And watch me grow.

- p. winter

Save me from my fear of vulnerability.
Save me from my denial.
But mostly
Save me from my manners.
They keep me from honesty,
They fill me with lies
To fill others with comfort.
There is nothing attractive about them.
Please
Save me from myself.
I am my own roadblock
On a road to recovery.

- p. winter

my wrists are scarred
with memories
that only I remember

how easily you open the wounds
how reluctant you are
to heal them

- p. winter