My dad told me when you quit drinking
You finally hear the birds sing
On chirping mornings or dimming evenings
That will now be remembered
Every January through December, from here on out
Now I count every rose petal and press them in books
Jumping onto roofs, but not jumping off them
No more praying on cold bathroom floors
Finally live up to all the promises I made
When I was nothing but a shaking core
Who didn’t ask for help, but begged
To hear the birds again

1 breakdown in
2 different bathroom stalls with
3 layers of mascara dissolved

1 chance and I gave into
2 stupid words that separated the
3 hearts involved

1 cigarette turned to
2 turned to
3 turned till none left at all

“1 drink” I said until it was
2 in the morning, the liquor settling the
3 mistakes I made in the summer

1 month, to lead the other
2 months just hoping it'll be better for
3 without even

1 breakdown, no I'll have
2 minutes to calm down
3 breaths, in and out

1 chance and I blew it,
2 shots to the throat left
3 stomach turning down falls

1 friend turned to
2 friends turned to
3 turned till none left at all

1 loud voice silenced the
2 quiet voices telling me the
3 things that I need to face, to see

But don't tell me
It's as easy
As 1, 2 ,3

3, 6, 9, 12 months
Counting the days like a child does
A child you always claimed I was,
Oh I feel better and better as the numbers go up

Looking at the calander now I am proud
Of the woman I have become
The woman you never thought I was
And free from what my foolish heart thought was love

Because I have kissed the lips of fate
And those lips had an entirely different taste
I felt the hand of a real man, who wiped tears from my face
Every time I look at him I am more then okay
I am great

A year ago today, and man, that went by fast
A year ago today I was latched onto my past
But today I can look at your face and laugh, and laugh, and laugh

3, 6, 9, 12 amazing months
Planning the days like a grown woman does
And spending those days with a man worthy of my love
My body has regenerated cells that you have NEVER touched
What a great year this has been and was!
Oh, I feel stronger and stronger as the numbers go up

I never wanted to worry,
But worry wanted me
They are in a constant hurry
Driving;
and I am in the front seat
This outta drive me off a cliff
Convinced,
I can't take much of this
But every time, I end up on the side
Of the road
They ask me if I need a lift
**** it
I let them take the wheel
And my identity
They make a home because
They throw loud parties in my lungs
Pour alcohol into my throat
Until my stomach takes a plunge
And my anxiety leaves me
On the road in an empty car
Too many toxins in my belly
Not enough mileage to go far
And all of a sudden I am
without fear
But for some reason
I need them here
I can get better but
All I can see is their faces
I am myself because
They drove me to all these places
I am face to face with my fears,
And all the bottles,
and that wretched smell of beer
That help me understand
And know
My anxieties command and so,
I brush them with my hand
Like they are a masterpiece
A beautiful show
A masterful piece
For everyone to see
My colorful anxieties
A masterpiece indeed
A masterpiece
Of me

Sweat off my brow,
Throwing in a towel
Seems as easy
As breathing
Not me
I am a child
Teething
Sinking my teeth into
A scheme
And spitting out
My dreams
To be
Where I need
To be
I cry like a baby
When the sun
Tap,
Tap,
Taps
On my window
Waiting for the night
To save me,
And this pressure
The day undergoes
Pick out my clothes
I am too tired to choose
Make me look pretty
Tie up my shoes
Drag the crayon
Across my lips
Make me look
Like I am not sick
Of this
Or like a child
I will throw
A fit
When I clock in,
To another day
To make
What I have to pay
To live
Each day I am growing
Another mark
On the doorway
My height, and my age
Yes, I am growing
Into a lady
But sometimes
I feel
Like a baby..

Depression is having nightmares
And still not wanting to wake up
Because the terrors
Your mind makes up
Is still less scary
Then what you have
Become

The aftermath of betrayal

I was hoping this was a nightmare
When my alarm went off, so did I
I jumped and grabbed my chest
With an ache in my heart,
and a pain on my side
As I remember the night before
Bits and pieces going back into place
Words and feelings I cannot erase
I would go find the bottle-
But I am out of chase
And cannot handle
any more bitterness today
I feel so betrayed

I hear my friends outside-
Everyone going on with their lives
While I am struggling to keep up with mine
I grab the side of the mattress
And push you aside
Your snores echo in the room
Just like my little cries
Crawling out of bed-
Got to greet the day
But I ignored the sun
I feel so betrayed.

And when you awake,
How am I supposed to smile at you?
How will this be the same?
How am I to do what lovers do?
Because in my chest theres a cavity
There lays a hallow heavy space
This space knows no limit, or gravity
A space where trust used to lay
And nothing to take its place
I feel so ******* betrayed

Cheers to the sky
Another night
Coating the atomosohere
Gravity pulls me beneath
So much lighter, with a drink
A shot or a beer
to keep me grounded
To keep me here,
Feel my heart?
Its been impounded
By the weight of the world
And I am surrounded
By bottles and empty cans
By people who understand
How it feels to be crushed,
When enough has been enough
How good that feels when poison
Goes down your throat
And then it plummets
Through your mind,
And through your stomach
Whatever it takes to numb it  
But now my hands are empty
A rotten glass of wine to trick me
Make me think I am getting tipsy
I feel the anxiety crawling
Up to my chest, and out of my throat
Beads of sweat, I might just choke
My friends feel it too,
I am not so alone
Raise our glasses to the air, another sad toast
Cheers to the sky
And its those nights
I will miss the most

Left a bad taste in my mouth
Waiting for things to head south
Will it?
Gives me chills under my skin
While I wonder why things can't be good
Again
Why I always complain
When the world hands me everything
On a silver platter,
I matter.
Do I matter?
If I thought I didn't
Their hearts would be shattered
I literally choke myself
Mouth too full to ask for help
All these city lights shutting down,
Its just me

It has been a while since we've spoken
I have been tugging on a broken line
May be too gone this time, Lord
Been too low to be grounded
My demons dancing in a conga line
I am surrounded

You made me in your image
But what if I don't like what I see?
Is that insulting?
Is that absurd?
I made almost all my angels flee
It keeps me knocking on heavens door
So tell me, are you listening??
I'm not feeling assured

They say you turn water into wine,
But none of that tonight
I can settle for a bitter cup of coffee,
For a bitter state of mind
To keep me up so I won't dream of
Grandparents who can't walk
Or my lifelong companion
In a wild dogs jaw
Or an angry pair of sapphire eyes
I know I've failed them all

Water into wine, maybe two or three
Will make me numb enough to remind me
Of what their love was like,
Like the warm screams secreting
From my windpipe, do you hear me now?
Can you listen to me tonight???

I know I can be cowardly disciple, even a sheep
In lions clothing- wasn't your book written for
People like me
No, I don't want to be
Self loathing, another fallen angel
You lose hope in, don't let me go
Off the deep end, let the bitterness
I've been sipping on be sweetened
Please

My addiction likes to play games with me

I try to hide, but it seeks me

On every occasion, or party

I want to just stay home-

***** it out with a pillow

Till it stops breathing

As I watch too much TV,

Count the drinks on the screen

Like counting sheep

3 pints of *****

2 beers

1 shot of whiskey

I feel myself changing

Between shifts, with no breaks in between

Some work overtime, I hear my addiction breathing-

3 PINTS OF *****

2 BEERS

1 SHOT OF WHISKEY

I would tell you all about it

But it’s a long story,

All guts and no glory

I can only talk about it when I’m drunk

On too early of a morning

Or when my eyes are stuck

On a ceiling fan, when I spin with the room

Words are fluid- like, they used to be

Now my lips are a broken cocoon

The words die behind a prison of teeth

Just old ideas, dead memories

That no one needs to hear or see

Sorry I won’t be seeing you at any parties

Sorry I won’t spill my guts for free

Or wait for you to wave to me

Hit me with the “how are you doing?”
    
Its not that I want to hide from you,

But my anxiety is looking for bullet wounds

Addiction hides in the skin

Of the people across the room

They have been shooting looks at me,

Every eye blinking my direction is lightning

Its striking me; how frightening

How fragile I can be, I’m sorry

Maybe that’s why

I plug myself into a wall

I stitch my mouth shut

And scream through the keyboard

Because I don’t want you to stop reading,

Or stop listening,

Just because

You don’t see me

At parties

Waking up next to you, and what do I see?
A smirk and a kiss, coming from someone happy
Your eyes cloudy from all of that dreaming
But clearly there's things between the lines
That I'm not reading

I have been questioned if I knew the person I loved
And I have answered yes, with such confidence
With a smile that could break boundaries, but apparently ignorant
How could I not know the other half of myself? My dearest friend?
But I see your scriptures, your withering sentiment
There are things I do not know yet

I have tried to crack open the skull and see what's inside
I wonder how much truth all find, and see how many lies have been fed to me
I could just live in ignorance, continue to think I know and live so easily
I have given life times of love
But is it enough?
Oh, maybe the lies just please me
But there are things in between the lines of your poetry that I am not reading

The insides of you may only be a stranger, I only know the paths of your skin
And the corners of your smile, and the symphony of laughter
I will continue to be on the outside, circulating my way in, but always meet a guard at the door
Pointing me the other way, from the person I adore
And who is that? I do not know anymore.
It is you, but who are you?

So many demons of yours that I have never been introduced too.
I thought my empathy and my heart had a couple of uses
Maybe I want you hold you, and kiss your bruises
Maybe I want you to take me down the dark hallways, past the guards and the locks
To tell me about your drug uses, and all of your abuses

But you sprinkle me with stardust until I am stunned
Keep me occupied with your words and your tongue
Keep me sleeping, 12 hours around the clock, over time
Keep me from reading in between the ******* lines

Jealousy
Is hell
Because I do not enjoy
Myself,
And well
I enjoy all of you-
You
With your smooth moves
Perky and peachy attitudes
Teach me
To be as sweet
As you-

Beautiful
Can be cruel
Not like it is on tv,
Or beside me
Everyone shining,
Smiling,
While my smile feels
Like hiding
Under this wax mask
A painted canvus
Of pale and black
Don't look at me
I'm a heartattack
A bad act-
Broken glass
Of a painted doll

I am a leo lioness
Right?
Righteous-
Your hieness
Sparkles on my eyelids
But you see
I have enough pride
To hide it-
Its priceless,
Really hillarious
Sometimes I feel
Like a bad *****
But I'm none of this
I am the pray,
The gazelle in the grass
But I am also the lion
Waiting to attack myself

Because you see,

Jealousy
Is hell,
I am the lion
I am the gazelle
I am heaven and hell
In a vessle of myself
See what you will,
Your critiques are nothing
My only enemy is me
My only savior is me
I am a lion
But I am also
A sheep

Don't look at me

Sometimes I cry in the mirror
Blink my mascara tears,
Blurry mess-
Can't fit in my old dresses
Tearing apart at the seams,
Literally
Filthy
Famish
Crawled out of my skin
And made some bad habits
Declining wealth
Declining health
Laughing as the scales tip-
After all I am a person,
Not permanent
Why should I care

Oh,
But I do

I do when I look at you
You with your talented hands
With your spider lashes
And good moods
Teach me to feel
As good
As you
My lipstick smears and screams
As the paintings on my face mock me
So will my body,
My body thats bruised
And missused
Perfume to cover the *****
They'll see my cherry lips move
But they won't hear me talking
Its perfect,
The mask of confidence
My incompetence
Is a perfect fit

No, really

Its lovely
When I wear it,
People love me!
Because people think
I love myself
No
Jealousy
Is hell,
Beacuse I do not
Love myself
I love everybody else,
Even the ones who
Say I am full of it,
Selfish leo,
Selfish lion
Exaggerated ego-
Winking eyelids
Sparkle,
Wings to my forehead-
I flaunt
What I don't want,
Because you want me to
You want me
To love me
Like you do

All of you

I remember the words
From my mother,
Jealousy
Is not a pretty color-
Its crimson red,
Exposed
Like blood,
I've had to sew it up
No-
Don't look here
Not at my guts,
Look at my eyelids
Are these not enough?!?!
These cherry lips
Tell you to sush
Less of a lioness,
More of a cub
I know
I am my own predator
My own pray

I am

All of the above

Alcohol becomes
More celebratory
Than a birthday cake-
Blowing out a candle from the ends of my
Cigarette,
Stuff it out in the frosting
There's a party waiting
But it's just
Me and you
Lets make people remember us
While we forget
Just have a few,
Band-Aids over the
Bleeding wound
While the band plays,
While the party is confused
Doing no favors for them,
Or for you

I don't want to be “that girl” again,
The target of their dagger eyes-
That triggers their mouths,
Hanging around-
Waiting like a time bomb
A subject for their savage grins-
I'm the unfinished sentence
That keep them laughing,
While the lights dim- when music
Is a bouncing hum,
I'm the roar of the traffic
Swerving over shoulders,
Dodging your
“Hello”
Spitting out a
“Goodbye”
From the holes in my teeth
The inconclusive tragedy  
What happens now?

Anxiety is a twisted writer
I feel it tapping on the keys
Tick-tick-ticking
From the lips of these time bombs
Teeth held in their open jaws-
A silent applause for me
When I leave,
Because this party
Isn't doing any favors for you,
And no favors for me
Curtains closed,
End scene
Is this how it plays out?
Oh, uneducated anxiety,
Who gave you the right
Or the degree
To decide how this
Would play out for me

Maybe I want to do these things
Dress up
Actually feel pretty
Genuinely, with dignity
Smile without a cigarette between
My gritted teeth, my sleepless face
Maybe I want to go to a party someday
Feeling more like a person,
Less like pray in an open field
Or without needing a crutch,
A little alcohol in the blood
To silence the ticking time bombs
I want to dance in this warzone
Without the risk of being shot
By their wicked tongues,
That may even speak kindly of me,
But you don't want me to see that

It's just you and me
Can't loosen the strings you have on me
This party is doing no favors for you,

Or for me

So let's just leave

In a dark room-
I thumble for answers
For abuses
Folded cornors in books
To look
For excuses
As I trip on my words
And fall on my face
Not like you would care
About what I'd say
In the first place
Its a scream in an empty space
Its an empty look on your face

Sharp light from a cop car-
A look from the officers eye
Cut me up inside,
Because this is it
Isn't it?
It's time,
No more shooting in the dark-
Have to hit the light
See you for what you are
And leave you behind
I broke my back for you,
You stabbed it with a knife

I never knew
If I saw the good in you
Or it was just an excuse,
Because of love,
What I thought it was
Or could be,
I wanted you to love me
But you don't love anything
Every ounce of love
Was a shot in the dark
And you
Shot my heart

Sometimes my heart is a sinking ship
But I am stronger than the Titanic

They said revenge was sweet
So dust off your tongue and tell me
How you really feel,
Sharpen your teeth so it matches
The sharp feelings inside of me
The past is a ball in chain
In a dark room somewhere, there is a key
But none will free me
There is no justice in tragedy
Just blame and agony
And too many one-sided stories
Too many sad and familiar places
Basking in all its glory,
But I can still picture their faces-
I can still see them come before me
I can feel the warmth in their hands,
And the warmth of the words
“I'm sorry”

Thinking about pinky swears under old trees
Inscripted with the carving of memories
Do you ever think of me?
A seal of forever brought together by blood from a ***** of a finger
Sisters
Disregarding names or blood and made eachother our own
Because family wasn't always there
Life never left us alone for long,
It dropped you into my lap
And I had always been proud of that
Because in a world full of nothing,
At least I had that

It isnt fair
That life is a game of volley ball and it picked you for the other team
After all the apple juice boxes and scraped knees
I never thought you'd be playing against me
Dropping the ball so carelessly
A score for you, as it always is
It has always been
Maybe I was more of a decoration then a friend- a trophey of loyality
A prized possession for the admiration of a life long friendship
Im another swish in the basket
Our friendship only exsists in a casket
Because it is dead and I cant get past it

It was life long, that was what was said
Under a swing set
Pinky swears and truth or dares
Turned to silence and hurtful glares
Its hard to break the ice when you are so cold
I dont want to hear about the hearts you break,
Hearts of gold
For goodness sake-
But none could hurt more than mine
It hurts every ******* time I look at you
And dont like what I see,
The pain your bringing to yourself and me
Hasnt been so welcoming

But I remember how the class bell would ring-
How we'd run down the steps, how we'd laugh and sing
So tell me, do you ever think of me?
I am alone with an empty swing
A lifetime of friendship didnt mean a thing
When the grasp of a a males hand will always be stronger than me
When we said boys would never be a thing that would come between
I miss when we thought they had cooties
***** me, and sue me
For thinking I had the upper hand
I'll never understand

Being the exception of the rule
You made everyone the fool-
Thinking I was special when the only one who was special was always you
I look into your eyes and I am confused
Because it isnt you
At least thats what I want to think
And what you want me to believe
Out of all the things you held to be so important
It was never me

Only when life was young and free,
Without the threshold of responsiblity
But don't come and say you need things from me,
I won't be made to be
A fool you want me to be

Thinking about pinky swears under old trees
Trees that are wilting, and our intitals will be the only thing
That is ever lasting
And all I can hear is you laughing
Overlapping the time that has been passing
And its time for me to move faster
Away from you,
Because you're a distaster
Because a romance, or a fling,
Will only be the thing that is happily ever after
And of course I will never be that
So I will tip my hat to you
I will no longer be used by you
Or used because I've been dared
To embrace the truth

So **** these trees as I burn them to their roots-
Like my roots came from you
Pinky swears were broken
And I DARE you to tell me the TRUTH
If you were lying when you said you would be there,
Or that you didnt really know or care
If you really dropped the ball,
Or maybe it was me that didn't play fair
So why would you pick me
When your classmates wanted better for the team
And I just didnt make the cut

Linked by the arm,
The Bonnie to my Clyde
Our names always stitched together
Always by my side
Your name was always on my tongue and your home became mine,
Our families knew us by name
And nothing could seperate us
Except time..

The tallys on your wall
In your old house have gotten taller
And thats fine, except its not
It went from smoking ***
And climbing trees
To scraping you off the sidewalk
Trying to get answers
When you're too gone to talk
And I am left without clarity,
Or closure,
And missing you a lot

A ***** pickled brain
Maintains the decisons that you make
The toxicity of your life leaks into mine
Because no matter the distace,
Our lives are intertwined
Blood from the ***** of a finger
Sisters
Where the bond was stronger then blood
When do I cut these ties?
When will enough be enough?
Or will you have me back in a strum?
In a musical hum?

Reaping for attention,
But you haven't been asking for mine
A sunk battle ship.
A game of hide and seek,
Except this time you didn't find me.
A game of hooky,
But I was the one being ditched
A game of truth or dare,
But you ran when the truth hit
You won this game of Clue,
But you have no way to prove it
You've hit me with your bumper car,
And I think its time to move it
We're no longer kids-
And its lazer tag,
Except you're using bullets
I have to except you're out of control
And can not control it

Thinking about pinky swears under old trees,
Old inside jokes, and silly things
Our giggling filling up the room when we were supposed to be asleep
Swingsets and secret places
Happy songs and silly faces
Wishing we could meet back here
In these sacred places
But I don't expect you to pick up the phone

A swingset,
And I'm swinging alone
Initials carved in old trees,
Thank god thats everlasting
In a world that's everchanging
But thats all that will be-
For the path your walking is too scary for me, so I will stay behind

Alone

On a swing

I'll tell you all about
How I blame the stars
And astrology

For my behavior
Knowing my apologies
Won't be doing any favors

Yeah, no favors
But let me tell you
You are my favorite

I have been here
And there, from the dirt
To the pavement

How?

Its been a mental trip
Are you over it, my love?
Did you get sick from the swings?

Oh, but it's the stars you see!
Count them 1, 2, 3!
Can I blame them?

Or could I possibly blame me?
Possibly- but I'm more like a flip
Of a terot card

More like a star on the boulevard,
Praised- but stepped on
Always under someone else's foot

Now

I can see you, can you hear me?
I'll announce it to the sky tonight
I really love you dearly

My head is a polluted sky
I can't see clearly,
So look closely

You love me
Because you know me,
You really do, and maybe

I'm alright,
Because I am alright to you
Though I have thrown meteors

Too much into one,
All too much for two
Its true, I know

Oops,

BOOM

Could we be done?
Nah, you're the big bang, baby
And my worlds revolves us

A whole lot of love
And you are all that I've got
To show for it

Now

I am sorry for all the times
I loved you
Without you knowing it

In this short state of living-
Met many galaxies
None of them forgiving,

But you
Are a star
Thats living

Wow

I try to loosen up the knots in my stomach
But I get caught in all the loose ends

Push it down so far, till it plummets
And here I am, ******* in it, again..

My brain is drawing conclusions
With a sharp pen, so permanent

My heart and brain dueling confusion
A very twisted one sided tournament

But I will never win against my brain
my poker face is too nervous

It calls me out, points at my doubts
and lays my cards upon the surface

So I say "hit me" and it does
It hits every corner of my guts

Takes my chips, and my luck
I should have known they'd catch the bluff

One X on the calander and a cup of luke warm coffee
The sidewalk chalk is like padlocks on my feet,
But they cant stop me
Through a static phone line, I can still hear you talking
Nothing of the nice sorts-
It is impure and not godly

Your perception of me slips through the cracks of you teeth
Bitter and raw things you breathe
Your voice is muddy and meek
Another X on the calander
Not a lot of sleep in between

I am wondering where your love went, because it doesnt live here
How many Xs on the calander?
A few weeks? A month? A year?
Both the liquor and the answer is clear

Long car rides spent swallowing sentences
Its a muffled radio, singing along with the tention
Where did you heart go? Every beat a lease of absence
Where did you put it? In a drawer or a cabnet?
How many Xs on the calander will it be till I once again have it

People swerving in and out of my life
Like a drunk driver
These people are carwrecks
And there are no survivors
But I never thought I'd see you
Behind the wheel

Ive cried a tear for each person I have loved
I've planted seeds in a graveyard of memories
That I can only visit when I am brave enough
Because I never thought they'd leave-
There are still alive and breathing
No candles or flowers can relieve me
Because bits and peices
Are dead to me

With rose colored shades you placed on my face
I couldn't see the ugly colors beyond
The pretty,
And the pink
For the nights we howled at the moon
Went by too soon
And on the otherside of the shades
You never even saw me
I was a stepping stone,
A thing in between
Where you wanted to be
And you're not sorry

You are a ghost in my chest,
And its haunting
How quickly a bond thicker than blood
Can bleed out
When you've ripped up your own skin
Trying to find out
If our hearts would still go out to you

I was a stepping stone
I was the sign
Pointing to home
I was the journey,
Dropped off at the destination
And left all alone
I am still carrying your bags,
Its such a heavy load
You can have them back
Here you go

No wonder, it must be hard to think
With such a one track mind
You are not stupid,
Or blind
You have eyes
But you have never seen us
You took our love
And kept it,
Will always have it
But enough,
Is enough

Tough love

Always say “I love you”
Before hanging up the phone,
Or she will call you back
And ask why you didn't say it
Seems silly, but it's urgent
You need to know
That she always needs to hear it
Put her at the top of your list
Even if you are not at the top of hers
It's worth it
She's worth it
And always will be,
Tell her she's lovely
On the night she drinks too much
When her iceburg eyes
Melts into a Titanic sized sorrow
Show her love then
Even if she won't remember it
Don't let her fire dim
Or it will burn,
On the nights where your empty cavity
Of a chest misses
What was the best to me,
I hope will be your best, too
She's the most beautiful
Of all blessed messes,
That you don't need to clean-
No, her scars and her travesty
Is beautiful and she will color you
Even if you are pale
And unclean-
Love her today
Tomorrow
And every moment in between
Don't ever let her down,
Or end up like me
Wishing I said
“I love you”
The last time I talked to her on the phone
Because this time she didn't call back
And ask why
I didn't

They want me to beg
To kiss their foul mouths
But I am too special
To be a free-for-all
I have been stretched so far
You can't even see me
Tired or handing out love
Like charity, out of disparity
I want my heart to be treated
Like the rarity it is
Is it fair of me?
No

I would toss you out of the ring,
If it meant less pain for me,
It is selfish way to survive
But it's mine,
Maybe I am the bad guy
You claimed I so was,
I am doing this because
I need to be kind
To myself
When
You
Are
Unkind

I have dyed my hair a lot of colors-

It has been red with anger,
A statement of rage; symbol of fire,
I spent my days with my head in the sink
Putting out my hot-headed thinking
Choking on red water
And my own way of breathing,
When I was tugged on like a false alarm
Meaningless, and loud
A vibrant call for help
And I wore it proud

It has been blue with calm dignity,
When the days were easier,
When happiness was free
I remember how quickly the blue bled to green
That was okay with me,
I loved music and breathing,
And drinking beers on city streets
I was colorful graffiti
It was more of a fleeting feeling
Of matching the sky and the sea
Back when I wanted the world
To look at me


It has been violet in the violent hours,
I remember magenta showers
And tear stained smoke breaks
When the city never slept, always awake
Humming with the traffic on the freeway
In a car with friends and a future before us
Though my skin was a tight blanket-
I felt a smile beneath a purple forest
Where happiness tugged on my cheeks
And I wanted to believe in everything
Everyone believed in me, too

It has been black on the silent days
Somewhere between indecision
And bad taste; a dark fate  
Suffocating beneath a blank sheet
While I was recollecting
The lost and bleak pieces of me
That were almost swallowing me whole
I almost fell into the black hole
I painted myself as
It is much too dark now,
For the colors I so loved
They won’t be coming back

But lately, I returned to my natural state
To see how the brown curls will fall
Like branches on my growing shoulders,
Going back to my roots,
No more drowning myself in bathroom sinks
Looking for myself at the bottom
In colors that could not define me
I am sorry to myself for hiding
Who I am supposed to be
All those colors will always exist
In some place inside of me

But I wonder what my new colors
Will be

The days must go on
Regardless,
Can't revisit an old garden
And expect it to grow
It's over
I know,
Just dirt and dust
Wilted flowers
With little hope
Or trust
In any growth
Though I have been on my
Hands
And
Knees
Getting my hands *****
Dug up all our roots
And bad bones
But was still deemed unworthy
You would pick any flower
Over me
Wilted,
But not done
Because all I ever needed
Was a little water
And sun
To grow
Up

(and someone else will see how beautiful I have become)