it's funny how stupid i can actually be
thinking that people feel as deeply as me
the thought of losing someone i care about
makes me anxious, i cry and shout

my love shall never be returned
and thus, i shall stay silent and stern
for i never mattered and neither will i
from the first hello to last goodbye

it will only ever be me- alone
how insignificant i am, life has shown
but it is because of my nature i suppose
people have done nothing wrong, of course

i give too much that nothing is ever left
i spare people even when they should be charged for theft

guess it will always be this way
since my unfortunate birth to my decay
i shall be forgotten without any delay
for i can't be like other girls, even for a day

this loneliness creates a halo
making me weak to my marrow
looking for some hands to help
a support to lean on when i yelp
but like all of them he too went
tired of all my emotional vents
so he took off and left me right here
with my confused feelings and tears
so that we can both live and be
in his world i am just a mere liability
thus happily miserable i stay
letting time pass day after day
for i strongly believe that i will say
"hey pal, someday everything will be okay".

PART I

warm a minute
the next you're cold
man you've got secrets
and a story untold
i try to look deeper
making my moves bold
letting my pupils dilate
and my want unfold
treat me like a princess
take me like i'm sold
you're not the monster
you think you are
just a broken soul
with stars in your scars
&
i want you
with all your shards
for you're worth the gamble
i'll show you all my cards


PART II

i love it when you're rough
but hate it when you act tough
i know you're strong
but being cold to me is wrong
i don't just open my legs for you
but i welcome you in my heart
taking inside all your hues
making a piece of art
you'd kissed many
but for me you were my first
like a fusion reaction
there were explosions of thirst
one **** led to another lick
and I kept wanting more and more
and before
I knew
I fell for you
for all
you are,
you were,
you'll ever be
i didn't just look at you
through you could i see
and still I want you
so much
that every touch
makes me crave
makes me brave

Take me to bed

but don't let me sleep,

embrace me please

and hear me weep;

then hug me so tight

let me bury my head

in the crook of your neck

making you hear the unsaid,

after that wipe my tears

then kiss my eyes;

for loving you isn't always easy

but I'm willing to pay the price.

what is it about your darkness that draws me in,
your deep voice or the thought of your hands on my skin?
what is it about your eyes that make me burn the instant they connect with mine,
two bottomless pools of blue, like sublime sapphire they shine;
making me think of perversions that i end up craving your sinful crimes
and i feel like a mortal competing with a god all the **** time!
only if you knew about the things we did in my head,
would you still look at me with nonchalance or would you take a step ahead?
for i stand waiting, day-dreaming about your touch
oh gawd, the mere image has me writhing for you so much
how your lips would move over mine, biting hard
a kiss so cosmically explosive, hurting like glass shards
and good lord, would i revel in that pain
needing you inside me again and yet again
i want you to roughly bend me over on the nearest surface,
tearing down my defences by covering me in your enchanting embrace
it hurts how i want you to a point of madness now
and so defy you i at every chance i have like an unspoken vow
because your magnamous ego and privileged *** is what i despise
that’s why my desire for you is quite a surprise
how i’d want want your body moulding into mine from behind
working me oh so thoroughly that i’ll be sore, i don’t mind
i can’t stop this frenzy, this lust covering my vision-
you’re an enigma, alluring me into your passion-prison;
does looking at me ever kickstarts your dead cold heart?
or have been i invisible to your mighty presence since the very start?
i hate this power that you have over me, making me question my sanity-
you’re my personal hell crafted with satan’s potion & profanity

.
and our lives are so well
d                                               c
e                                               r
t                                               a
r                                               f
a                                               t
t                    ­                           e
s                                               d
ew erehw dne syawla ew
.

tall and lean
oh a little bit mean
i like the way you look
-a guy from my book

easy on the eyes
a tempting prize
i like the way you smile
-even if i witness it for a while

dark deep stare
sinuous hair
i like the way you scrunch your nose
-making me curl my toes

calm and collected
temper-tormented
i like the way you are
-silent like a star

a piece of work
i can't seem to shirk
i like the way you think
-interesting to the brink ;)

i like you

but is it enough?
for me to not be tough
give-up my inhibitions
and ignore these superstitions!

you are my crush,
or just another adrenaline rush?

it's funny how i keep wishing to go back
yet i yearn to move in fast forward
my worries keep piling up in unending stacks
and i turn a blind eye to them like a coward
with every passing day
i keep more to myself than i say
to him, to them or anyone near me,
i don't even write it in my poetries
so much is going around
every thought is in circles
losing am i more than i've found
evading everything like a shirker
but stand i steadily on this shaking ground
relying on talent but never being a hardworker
everday i feel like a loser
who was beat at her own game
i feel like just another random doodle
who thought she could make her name
disappointment i am to everyone who ever believed in me
every minute alive i wonder where i'd be
but nothing's going to be real; only imaginary
an old soul who shall fade away in contemporary

beating heart
a kick start
a slow burn
twists and turns
a playful plot
taking a shot
falling deep
a faithful leap
blushing
crushing
dreaming
beaming
panic attack
out in black
a hole so vivid
a thought so lucid
law of attraction
love is nothing
but an unyielding
transaction

for once
i want
to flaunt
my scars
cross all
the bars
fall to rise
again
forget all
the pain
be a little
dramatic
let go of
the arctic
defense
the perfect
pretense
just be me
small stature
with a messy bun
a difficult nature
the weird one
lose fitting shirts
hell no to skirts
no hint of concealer
i'm not a revealer
yes i'm boring
yes i'm lame
but if loyalty is what
you're looking for
then i'm game

t h e  p r e t t i e s t

f a c e s

h i d e

t h e  u g l i e s t

t r a c e s

i realized something when i was a teen
that i don't want a love that's sweet,
not something like a rom-com scene
with flowers and chocolate treats

i crave madness and craze
an obsession so still and strong
that his thoughts make me graze
my fingers to places that are wrong

the more i push him away
the more he makes me submit to his will,
that all my nights are his to play
with a mastery in twisted thrill

i want him to consume me
engrave himself on my skin
keep me bound yet set me free
in this profanity filled with sin

i want his rough hands on me
and his dark eyes on my soul,
for through his eyes do i see
how beautiful look i under his control

it's not something normal know i
wanting something so **** dangerous,
yet i feel that this broken guy
will be anything but treacherous

he will put my pieces back
and make me whole again,
because there's still something i lack
that has made me find pleasure in pain

i was always told how different am i
and this thought often made me cry
sick to my stomach because of my wants
i was afraid of what lurks inside the haunt...
.
.
.
and so i will leave this poem incomplete
just like i am
because with every ****** heartbeat
it's tougher and tougher to repeat-
"maybe i will find you one day
or else be lost forever,
because
i want it all
or i else i am okay with never"

every little thing

reminds me of him

i try forgetting

and letting

my feelings go

as i don't want to show

that how he still affects

and infects

my cold cold walls

that i've built

to stop myself from going back

and make my decision tilt

i don't understand the charm

of unrequited want

deep down i know he means no harm

yet his memories haunt

i hope he finds what he's looking for

maybe that'll help my disease cure?

Everday
on my bed
as I lay
with images in my head
of him in me, on me
my wrists tied, my heart free
heavy breathing
souls seething
so much passion
******* in every fashion
I let all these thoughts
guide me to places
where pleasure can be brought
with mere bites and traces
as I set a rhythm so profound
taking myself till I'm left astound
all I see is him, all I hear is him
and then as our hips stop
it's time for our lips to lock
only for me to open my eyes
and realize
all of this is nothing but lies
him, me and us
created by my mind
only for me to find
me all by myself and lonely
making me feel oh so guilty
filling me up with so much shame
this wildness I try to tame
in vain
in vain
because now I know that
my touch will get too much
over and over again
over and over again.

.
yo ur
to   u   ch
ign   i   tes
my  heart
set ting
m y
******>u l
on
f i
re
gi
vi
ng
aw
ay
yo
ur
pa
rt
ta
ki
ng
in
my
de
si
re

lust dies but love survives

it's funny how once could i write
long long paragraphs about a feeling
with nothing just loneliness in site
could i think about falling and healing
but now nothing great comes to my head
just these plain old lines whisper
leaving me desolate and doubtful instead
my pen full of ink and papers being crisper
yet struggle i to put two words in a sentence
everyone and everything is more or less a pretence
was i born to be this person that i am today?
was there this much potential in me all the way?
then why as a child did i dare to dream big,
wanting to grow a fruitful tree from a twig
yet my life's been an unending autumn
floating now, i remember rock bottom
because when i had nothing i had all my words,
and this moment when i ain't empty, inside me breathe two worlds-
one is about contentment and satisfaction
but the other, puts me in this torturous traction
to do more, be more and become more
if nothing special, but better than before
and all day i live in this conflict
two ends tugging at me, the pain they inflict
i don't know what this ******* process is,
merely morning stress or a **** metamorphosis?

i love it when you're rough
i love it when you're sweet
for this time with you is enough
sweating under the sheets
you make me cry
you make me sigh
with a pleasure so deep
that i don't feel cheap
for wanting what belongs
to someone else's songs
like the lyrics you flow
making me glow
with your musical mind
that makes me blind
to her very existence
not an ounce of repentance
for having you inside me
lets me be oh so free
that i get high
on these sugary lies
of you being mine alone
until beeps your phone

i know you're right
but i ain't wrong either
maybe that's why we fight,
we are cursed creatures
i love you too much
and you too love me back
just not enough
and thus our bond cracks
you hurt me with your words
and make me feel like ****
my thoughts remain unheard
because i don't want us to split
it's painful for me though
that i shall confess
turning my dearest friend into foe
is making my chest compress
i can't breathe
i am asphyxiating
the walls are crawling in on me
the pain is excruciating
i hope now you'll be happy
when i will push him away
cutting my wrists open
i will bleed myself dry today

and that's why i am afraid of joy
like my life's dark-twisted ploy
the more i smile now
the more i shall cry later
my trust in "love laugh live"
shall always waiver
i was born to be alone
and alone i shall be
in my kingdom's throne
i shall live with misery

everything hurts, from my heart to my head
for all these years the lies that i had been fed
are now showing their true colour of shades
blue to black with dust of gray in spades
i feel like a ***** in the oxymoron that this life is
where temporary pleasures feel like a permanent bliss
i am scared to my death as i exhale fear with every breath
because all that i knew was a mirage in this desolate desert
and now my personalities react after being **** inert
i want one thing but need the other
i think one thing but do the other
there's chaos running through my veins
unstable are my senses and mad is my brain
anxious is what i am all day long
and so all this forever feels wrong
i have done something i wasn't supposed to
and the what if scenario has now come true
i have let down people and disappointed their hopes
the very thought of betraying them doesn't help me cope
i wish i could turn back time do things right
but wonder i what would be my insight?
if allowed to go back would i change a thing?
or would i choose the same ****** song to sing???

for every moment

that passed me by

nothing's permanent

neither you nor i

like the sun i set for you

but you being earth-want the moon

so i rise again without a cue

  burning for you alone too soon

but it is what it is

isn't it?

death is life's sweetest kiss

one day i'll run out of words

for you and your shy sky

and stop wondering why

-every truth was once a lie?

it's funny how now when i pick my pen up
only for it to drain no drop of ink
not letting all this chaos out of the envelope
is now taking away my ability to think
for all these words stay jumbled in my head
creating pictures of unreal imagination
of daydreams and those moments i bled
i wish to write down this clotting confusion
yet fail i to form simple sentences
filling my bones with apprehensive
and all the while my anxiety eats me alive
i wonder without poetry how shall i survive
because without this i am fully empty
like a starving soul amongst the plenty

thoughts thought everywhere
but not a single word to write,
oh dear reader i feel i don't have long-
what a pity it is to have my plight?