with this year, i wish you good luck & prosperity
hope all the darkness that seemed like an eternity
vanishes from your life and you let the bright light
embrace your soul, for you life may no longer be a mere fight
but a chance to be happy and content
with people to love and sometimes vent
all you get is good and all you become is better
wanting to come true all your dreams, i pray letter by letter
may this year be full of life & not just a will to survive
may all your sorrows rest in 2024 and joy fills your twenty wenty-five

for every moment

that passed me by

nothing's permanent

neither you nor i

like the sun i set for you

but you being earth-want the moon

so i rise again without a cue

  burning for you alone too soon

but it is what it is

isn't it?

death is life's sweetest kiss

one day i'll run out of words

for you and your shy sky

and stop wondering why

-every truth was once a lie?

who doesn't want to delude himself/herself with the thought that he/she isn't normal? every bond in our DNA screams with the need to be different, to stand out and yet, when the actual time of choice comes, where we either end up becoming what we were always meant to be and what we forced ourselves, shaped ourselves into, we, ladies and gentlemen, take the safe road
it's funny how i have always tried to go with the flow, be somebody who is loved by everyone, looked upto, yet, every night when i lie down on my bed, with the sheets beneath me wrinkling with the weight of my unfulfilled dreams and fantasies, all i do is close my eyes and go to a place far from normal
the most deviant thoughts cross my mind, the obscenity of these images in my head make me nauseous because i have made the choice of going against something i was born with
i listen to music, the notes travel up the afferents and then down to my muscles, making each molecule within my body too desperate to dance, yet, all i do is sit and smile, not even letting myself bob my head to the lyrics and compositions filling my ears!
everytime i read a book, i yearn to become the protagonist because she gets to live all that i can only see with my eyes closed
all the work i do in my day, from checking someone's heart rate to listening to the beating pattern of their hearts, placing my fingers over their thrumming pulses and trying to play sherlock with their ailments, i wish to be good at it, with polished skills and a strong will to get better, to become the greatest without even considering the amount of effort i have to put in in order to achieve that
the roles are suffocating, the frustration is overwhelming

it's funny how now when i pick my pen up
only for it to drain no drop of ink
not letting all this chaos out of the envelope
is now taking away my ability to think
for all these words stay jumbled in my head
creating pictures of unreal imagination
of daydreams and those moments i bled
i wish to write down this clotting confusion
yet fail i to form simple sentences
filling my bones with apprehensive
and all the while my anxiety eats me alive
i wonder without poetry how shall i survive
because without this i am fully empty
like a starving soul amongst the plenty

thoughts thought everywhere
but not a single word to write,
oh dear reader i feel i don't have long-
what a pity it is to have my plight?

I wish I could go
back to the days
when prancing around naked
wasn't seen as a stripper's case,
a time when
depression was a difficult word
to simply speak and spell
not a condition from which I suffered,
when playing with Barbie
was a part of my daily routine,
and not to look like one
with a big **** but body so lean,
a period when
I could make myself
happy at the same time
with everybody else,
when the Sun seemed reachable
and stars twinkled in my eyes,
when truth was my only language
and I couldn't tell sugarcoated lies,
when the whole world
was mine alone
not merely confined to
the screen of my smart phone,
I wish I could go
back to being a kid
but I not know
how to time travel,
so I do unravel
back being kids-
by keeping an open mind
and closing my eyelids.

it hasn't been long since i last wrote
yet inking real poetry seems ages away,
when words flew without any implore
and i could free my feelings everyday

now everything remains stuck inside
deep within my head it all hides

and i feel ~ asphyxiated
indulged and incinerated
without a way out i sit in solace
my independence lost in space

what more does my life has now
was my past better somehow?
i miss people from long ago
but i guess that letting them go
was the rightest of right thing
yet feel i like an angel with a broken wing
incomplete and tired
differently wired
hauntingly beautiful and dauntigly dead
i am forever lost in my head

what am i doing with my life, i have no clue
every minute i feel pink, black and blue
no innocence left in view
i feel ugly covered in painful hues

dreaming of a future i still sleep in the past
no thoughts of the present shall ever last
because in my masochism all i deeply crave
is to build my house on a ******' grave
i miss who i was and yet don't want to be her
why isn't life ever clear but a burdening blur
everything i believed in no longer exists
changes too bold, is what life insists
but i ain't ready to move forward yet
or am i? but still do i fearfully fret
how did i talk to strangers for hours?
listening to their tales of scars and stars
i am back to that time when pressed i
hearts on people's stories for no reason why
but don't know if i want to be that person again
desperate for affection and easy prey to pain
i have a beautiful human around me
who sees me and still loves me infinitely
yet i feel this way and it is beyond my comprehension
-what is future if not the past's present extension?

as black as a black hole

but not as deep as one

for this body bears a soul

that longs to be the sun

but no light i shall give

harbouring singularity i live

what am i in this infinite vacuum

a fading fragrance, a perfume

i shall survive but be forgotten

i shall die away like a volcano

all this lava in me oh so molten

will burn me alive in an inferno

what good is my birth wonder i

and the insignificance makes me cry

i am just another rose in the bunch

w a i t i n g  t o  w i l t

fathering kids like a ******

accompanying the knife like a hilt

what purpose do i solve

why did i evolve

where am i supposed to be

my future is something i can't see

suspended in midair i feel stuck

no talent i have, simply pure luck

useless i feel, useless i prove to be

nothing great is written in my poetry

i can't form words that shall outlive me

chained to my thoughts i am not free

it'll always be physical
attraction, affection & attention
making me cynical
and creating these perceptions
all he wants is an adrenaline rush
and all she longs for is some company
the blood running to give him a blush
switching her cloudy days to sunny
a drink to bury his sorrow
a text to make her a little less hollow
a joint lightening up their eyes
only to mask their conjoint cries
they're too afraid to feel
and too wounded to heal
so this is how
with their depression they deal
but not feeling won't help
later or sooner they'll yelp
because done damage
can never be cured
simply hidden behind a bandage
day by day it'll be endured

thank you for that moment

in which i was loved

all the minutes i spent

with lips-locked, souls handcuffed

i lived and i died in your arms

that wrapped around my soul

keeping me away from harm

and making me whole by filling up that hole

but you can't be mine

neither can i be yours

yet we'll be fine

that i can tell you for sure

because you'll stay with me always

with your impression on my heart

that i will preserve today

by creating this oh so raw form of art

at the end of it all
all we are is mere dust
rising today for tomorrow's fall
to reside in earth's crust
we laugh we cry we hear we say
everyfuckingday
and pave our way
until we'll no longer stay
what gives life meaning is death
yet all we do is waste our breath
over anger and retribution
defying our very intuition

day by day, bit by bit, word by word
she brought herself back to this world
breathing life into her half dead corpse
she screamed back to life devoid of any hopes
what seemed colourful yesterday was back to being black
a grief so severe that made her broken heart crack
it took a toll on her head that was in a disarray
figuring out why this happened to her in this very way
when every vulnerability, every fear of hers was rubbed in her face
thought she to herself was this person ever truly her safe place?
what does it matter now, because to him it never did
-"move on, move along"-until you find your next bid!
but some of us don't really fill our voids with replacements
all we can do is feel and focus on our repairment
we will never see a future with someone if we don't let go of our past
if you want a new beginning you can't let your old ending last

she was a bird in her mind's cage

a slave to her own rage

for nothing could destroy her except

the pessimistic thoughts she kept

she didn't fly

not because she couldn't

rather because she didn't try

as she believed that she shouldn't

the sky was hers to scale

yet she never left the land

but one fine day did someone hail

and offered her his hand

too scared to spread her wings

she shrunk into her shadows

but he was one of those good things

that stuck around to on her grow

so step by step

did she prep

for a flight oh so high

scaling their sky

with him on her side

-that all her fears died


--The End--

it's funny isn't it

how i lose my wits

whenever i see you

in shades of pink and blue

i can't dare to look your way

what if you have something to say

hours and hours i spend

dreading the day this will end

i admire you so much

that typing this is making me blush

how can seeing you close by

make me oh so happily high

oh holy father forgive her for her sins
since she's a loner lost has she been
looking out for herself in forlorn forests
clueless wanderer who walks for miles before she rests
but after being thrown to the wolves has she realised
there's nothing out of question for humans, nothing to surprise
for they'll feed onto your body until they get to your soul
destroying you so thoroughly is their only goal
so she stopped being nice and took reins of her life in her hands
unafraid she led on to conquer those chauvinist lands
too godly gold and too ****** bold for your taste
she was that catch that you missed in your haste
so now she owes nobody a dime
moving flawlessly, her body so sublime
she's too pretty to shed tears for the likes of you
a face like hers isn't meant for your view
so now that she's survived hell she ain't scared of nothing
she's a daunting devil who has an angel's face and wings

with 23 years of breathing away
today as i walk down these lanes
with lots of words but nothing much to say
staring through these not so familiar window panes
every face i see here seems to be known
passing me by as if to greet me even tomorrow
with bluest of sky and chilly wind blown
i look at the church and the enormous tree with sorrow
because with each fleeting moment
and ticking of this life clock
my heart's getting full of the sentiment
-nostalgia brimming, ending my writer's block
because i miss the days when i wore red
and my only stress was to score good on a test
but now i have some serious issues to deal with in my head
that even though i am home yet trudge through i a tempest
my soul craves solace and this body needs benediction
to the place i belong shall make me whole again, i pray with conviction

i wish i could be
a bit more like you
because being me
is simply too blue
i followed your steps
went where you did
still could not prep
to reach where you did
you've been that star
i've witnessed from afar
and all i have been
is an ugly scar
you don't even think
or will ever blink
in my direction
and today
this thought
makes my heart sink
i  don't know what it is
the guilt, the regret?
or simply a chance i'll miss
because my demons won't let
or ever set
me free
and in this ocean of me
i'll drown
going way down

-to the muse who'll never know that i wrote this for him

i had this dream last night
you and me and a long bus ride
huddled together in a seat for 2
leaving behind our town's view
we talked for a while
and passed a few smiles
only to let the silence embrace us
keeping away from topics of trust

but i could feel your mind churning
and deep down hoped for a desire burning
for something that i'd craved for far too long
knowing ****** well that it was wrong

and then dozed off me
into yet another fantasy
of a reality pretty far from mine
with our hands intertwined
and our faces mere inches apart
and booooom, i woke up with a start
only too see that your hand had moved
and was now gently touching my fingers
with looks that weren't appropriate to linger

i was hyperventilating, wasn't i?
my face up in ashes like the sunset sky
and your gaze pierced my soul
as if i were a diamond amongst the coal
you whispered my name and said-
"i wish we'd taken my car instead.......
and Oh My God i convulsed there and then,
wondering how did this ever happen?

because even in my dreams know i this
that i am not a part of you that you miss
to your calmness i am chaotic and careless
to your perfection i shall remain a mess
and you will soar high and shall always rise
whereas i will be a broken little girl who cries

because you're the sun that shines too bright
and i am a moth drawn to your darkest light

you want me to write for you
bleed away my soul impromptu
be your slave and serve you well
give up myself to dwell in your hell
do you want me?
or is it my attention that you crave
i know you love to see
my dead heart twisting in its grave
for you want me to be obsessed like the earth
who gives herself up for all it's worth
it wakes up and sleeps, smiles and weeps
in the hopes of a destined promise to keep
for all i want is for you to acknowledge my existence
and maybe only then will i give up on my persistence
but who am i fooling
your mere name has me drooling
in daydreams and in nightmarish screams
it's your name to which my heart beats
it's your name on my lips that i repeat

i admire you from a safe distance not because i am afraid of getting burned
a monster like me isn't worth your time
is something the hard way i learned

i always thought that i'd be the light of your life
like all other fairy tales i'd end up as your wife
but neither do i glow and nor do i show
the traits of being a soft-spoken docile woman
that would be best suited for you, my fav human
i am deranged and dark waiting for a spark
to light me up from within and more
and make me happy to the core
i am like earth in this system of yours
pining over you for so long because
i like the idea of having your sole attention on me
being the centre of your universe maybe
but that's an unhealthy obssession say i
and like the moth, i'm chasing a new high
only that i've hated loving you all along
manifesting by your side i belong
but we couldn't be any different know i this
and that's why i can't even imagine our kiss
because you're too sacred for a demon per say
and i understand your distance anyway, always
yet you're my unwanted muse that i can't not write about
even though i wish to stop and silently shout
it's frustrating to write and yet never be acknowledged
but maybe this anonymity makes me feel privileged
as i write these sentences for you to read
without you actually paying much heed
that you inspire a deep devilish part in me
and become the muse of my petty poetry

when will this longing go away
these unwanted thoughts shall seize to play
in my head, all day long
like a tune on loop, an earworm i can't sing along
for you're not simply out of my league, you're a whole another multiverse
spread to infinite horizons, to my very existence- a curse
that has me bowing to you, making me daydream
of a future of us together, bathing under the sun's beam
maybe one day you'll see me in that light too
maybe i won't simply be a boring, uninteresting view
maybe i too will be able to pique at your brain
maybe there'll be a time when i'll make the blood in your veins
pump at a speed that make your heart pound so hard
those three dancing dots and then radio silence will feel like swallowing shards
oh my, a muse too immune to my writings, a clueless cue
that this should be the last poem i write for you

in crowds that passed me by
under the grayish blue sky
i kept looking for you all around
to your thoughts was i bound
but couldn't find that happy smile
that had the power to bring life
to a dark dead day
by simply breathing away
i know the times are tough
and the timing's all wrong
but i know things will be fine
and misery won't prolong
so I'll keep searching for you
until next time our eyes meet
and keep troubling you
with words that i should delete

what are we if not calculative creatures
a dichotomous breed with in born bias,
struggling between believers and preachers
-we are sinful souls who aim to be pious
we claim to be depressed
and live to be impressed
craving profanity
while questioning our sanity,
we are suffering in the this hell
of paradoxes that challenge our intel
it's funny how we want touch
and affection oh so much
but we're afraid to open up and give
expecting other's hearts to help us live
we have voids and spaces too large
that nothing could ever in barge
thus we will end up alone
with our fates set in stone
we want to be stimulated, both physically & mentally
longing for someone to take away our ability
to think clearly or walk steadily,
confused because we don't know what we need basically
is it mere pleasure we look for
or something deeper do we implore?
covered bodies yet naked minds,
what is it that we are unable to find?
peace or chaos?
calm or applause?
somebody to awaken our deeper desires
or a superficial night of playing with fire?