you remind of fresh forests and setting of the sun
and maybe that's why, realised i
the moment i laid eyes on you, you're my only one

you're everywhere i go,
your presence does flow
why is it that it's your face i see
wide awake or in my dreams?
your hair so distinct, i want to feel them
your eyes so piercing, i want to touch them
how you look at me is what makes my heart stop
how bizzare is this that your voice makes everything else crop
you become the centre of my attention, my universe
and thinking of things i wish to do to you makes me perverse
but our timing has never been right
against our situations we can't fight
so all we do is stare at each other's soul
because being with each other will take a toll
on my already beautifully bruised heart
oh baby, we've been cursed from the very start

i wish to remove this piece of clothing and show off my skin
unblemished yet scarred i lay in my bed wanting to commit sin
the temptation to **** my morals off and become an ******* is so strong
that i wish to be bad and feel good when i do something wrong
i am tired of being this version of myself- weak, virtuous, wise, vulnerable
that in my years of living fairy tales i am making ******' folks and fables
guys out there have never really looked at me
in me they find nothing good enough to see
a grandma wrapped in loose clothes and a tight bun
is so **** dull to touch or have a substantial amout of fun
i have a gift of pushing people away and putting them off
always ******' smiling or crying in corners, i am a laughing stock
i can be the hottest and sexiest woman in my head
but in reality i am ******' lame to my bones, that said-
i can neither become a nerd properly nor live recklessly,
this is chaining my soul to a place i don't belong, honestly
at this point i don't even know what do i need
stuffing my face with bulshit, these pretty little lies do i feed
the road i take takes me to places i don't fit in
and this happens because i ain't comfortable in my own skin
all these years, i wonder where has my confidence been
longing for someone to match my wavelength, my flames' twin
i have wasted my breaths on things that don't matter
in the silence of my suffering i have become immune to chatter
so speak i out about my problem and affairs
thinking that they who listen honestly do care
maybe they do and maybe they don't give two *****
about me aiming for stars or my self-esteem taking hits
why can't i be a private person and stay shut?
to live, why do i need the pain of a bleeding cut
why am i not normal but being normal is not what i want
this confusion, dichotomy and paradox is what haunts
*"to be or not to be"...................................
or be blind and pretend to nerve see

dreaming of a future i still sleep in the past
no thoughts of the present shall ever last
because in my masochism all i deeply crave
is to build my house on a ******' grave
i miss who i was and yet don't want to be her
why isn't life ever clear but a burdening blur
everything i believed in no longer exists
changes too bold, is what life insists
but i ain't ready to move forward yet
or am i? but still do i fearfully fret
how did i talk to strangers for hours?
listening to their tales of scars and stars
i am back to that time when pressed i
hearts on people's stories for no reason why
but don't know if i want to be that person again
desperate for affection and easy prey to pain
i have a beautiful human around me
who sees me and still loves me infinitely
yet i feel this way and it is beyond my comprehension
-what is future if not the past's present extension?

stood i in a corner away from you
trying to keep my distant view
of the finest specimen had i ever seen
never in such proximity had i been
for you were my nemesis, sworn in blood
yet the very sight of you turned me into a dud
because my brain cells shortcircuited
making me look at you on their own accord
and every moment our eyes connected, i regretted
because that made you someone i allured
so with every contact between our eyes
filled i myself with even more despise
because your mere presence derailed me
pushed me off my balanced sadly
and all that was left of silly me
was a puddle of shame and lost integrity
i didn't know that a simple stare would be enough
to put these inappropriate images of us
in the head that once plotted your demise
how did i get here, is a ******' surprise
so should i let this attraction make me do stuff
that'd be irreversible and testing my luck that's tough
maybe ******* you out of my system will let me be
my old self that hated you on the highest degree
or control these impulses and more
since with time, i will go back to before
why suddenly it's my wild blood pumping vigorously
begging to be tamed by your touch oh not so gently?

when i imagined experienced guys
it always meant in the physical way
sharing body was ohkay, i don't know why
but emotional connection, i can't say
i could take it if he'd put the same hands, the same lips
on someone else's neck, chest, legs and hips
but looking at her how he looks at me
isn't something i imagined freely
he has loved, kissed, made love, hooked up
in the choices for relationship goals, he ticks all of the above
he's even gotten his heart broken and cried for another girl
lost his temper and tons of abuses has he hurled
he's gone through everything that i'm feeling for the first time
so yes, i am the immature one taking responsibility for this crime
i wish he could be a little more possessive
say stuff sober and be more expressive
but that would be greedy of me, right?
for these trivial matters i shouldn't pick up fights
yet feel i lonely on days like today when
nothing really big did happen
he's a great boyfriend, just very real and not rare
but that doesn't give me a reason to not care
for everything he does for me and more
i should be grateful for all this from the core
and to be honest, i am because i am a problem child
chaotic and messy, too stubborn and willfully wild
he tames my urges and makes me see sense
with him i wish to attain perfection without pretense
but at the end of the day when i lie down on my bed
this calmness travelling through my head
wonder i will this be enough? his sanity to my madness
he's safe, selectively thrilling but doesn't make my blood pump in wilderness

oh dear heart, your nerves did he hit
with those abs on display, did it feign a fit?
for my braincells couldn't stop me
from looking at this gorgeous-gorgeous being
with hair that curl in my hands
and eyes that travel upto foreign lands,
for when you look at me
i turn a little breathy,
you **** all the sense right out my body
doing this to girls, isn't this your hobby?
i have heard stories of your sexcapades
a "God" in bed, you think you're an ace of spades
so even if i desire you, your hands, your lips, your tongue
in your ocean of wilderness, i shall never plunge
because i ain't like one of your ****** or groupies
i have a ****** backbone, which i know, that you fancy
so i won't be another notch up your bedpost,
another one of your score that you'd like to boast
i am more, i am better and shall never fall for a bad boy
i have too much life to ever become your ******* toy,
but i can't help this stupid beating *****
that makes me think of you quite often
of all the things that i shouldn't do
-it's your name in CAPS, it's always you
for i have had one taste
even though it was chaste,
and now?
i can't stop myself from calling you tonight
because you're a piece of cake and i'd like a bite

everything hurts, from my heart to my head
for all these years the lies that i had been fed
are now showing their true colour of shades
blue to black with dust of gray in spades
i feel like a ***** in the oxymoron that this life is
where temporary pleasures feel like a permanent bliss
i am scared to my death as i exhale fear with every breath
because all that i knew was a mirage in this desolate desert
and now my personalities react after being **** inert
i want one thing but need the other
i think one thing but do the other
there's chaos running through my veins
unstable are my senses and mad is my brain
anxious is what i am all day long
and so all this forever feels wrong
i have done something i wasn't supposed to
and the what if scenario has now come true
i have let down people and disappointed their hopes
the very thought of betraying them doesn't help me cope
i wish i could turn back time do things right
but wonder i what would be my insight?
if allowed to go back would i change a thing?
or would i choose the same ****** song to sing???

it's funny how once could i write
long long paragraphs about a feeling
with nothing just loneliness in site
could i think about falling and healing
but now nothing great comes to my head
just these plain old lines whisper
leaving me desolate and doubtful instead
my pen full of ink and papers being crisper
yet struggle i to put two words in a sentence
everyone and everything is more or less a pretence
was i born to be this person that i am today?
was there this much potential in me all the way?
then why as a child did i dare to dream big,
wanting to grow a fruitful tree from a twig
yet my life's been an unending autumn
floating now, i remember rock bottom
because when i had nothing i had all my words,
and this moment when i ain't empty, inside me breathe two worlds-
one is about contentment and satisfaction
but the other, puts me in this torturous traction
to do more, be more and become more
if nothing special, but better than before
and all day i live in this conflict
two ends tugging at me, the pain they inflict
i don't know what this ******* process is,
merely morning stress or a **** metamorphosis?

i always thought that i'd be the light of your life
like all other fairy tales i'd end up as your wife
but neither do i glow and nor do i show
the traits of being a soft-spoken docile woman
that would be best suited for you, my fav human
i am deranged and dark waiting for a spark
to light me up from within and more
and make me happy to the core
i am like earth in this system of yours
pining over you for so long because
i like the idea of having your sole attention on me
being the centre of your universe maybe
but that's an unhealthy obssession say i
and like the moth, i'm chasing a new high
only that i've hated loving you all along
manifesting by your side i belong
but we couldn't be any different know i this
and that's why i can't even imagine our kiss
because you're too sacred for a demon per say
and i understand your distance anyway, always
yet you're my unwanted muse that i can't not write about
even though i wish to stop and silently shout
it's frustrating to write and yet never be acknowledged
but maybe this anonymity makes me feel privileged
as i write these sentences for you to read
without you actually paying much heed
that you inspire a deep devilish part in me
and become the muse of my petty poetry

you want me to write for you
bleed away my soul impromptu
be your slave and serve you well
give up myself to dwell in your hell
do you want me?
or is it my attention that you crave
i know you love to see
my dead heart twisting in its grave
for you want me to be obsessed like the earth
who gives herself up for all it's worth
it wakes up and sleeps, smiles and weeps
in the hopes of a destined promise to keep
for all i want is for you to acknowledge my existence
and maybe only then will i give up on my persistence
but who am i fooling
your mere name has me drooling
in daydreams and in nightmarish screams
it's your name to which my heart beats
it's your name on my lips that i repeat

i admire you from a safe distance not because i am afraid of getting burned
a monster like me isn't worth your time
is something the hard way i learned

and when there's silence inside your head
you choose to be at peace instead
because all your words that remain unsaid
are meant to be unheard instead

it's funny how now when i pick my pen up
only for it to drain no drop of ink
not letting all this chaos out of the envelope
is now taking away my ability to think
for all these words stay jumbled in my head
creating pictures of unreal imagination
of daydreams and those moments i bled
i wish to write down this clotting confusion
yet fail i to form simple sentences
filling my bones with apprehensive
and all the while my anxiety eats me alive
i wonder without poetry how shall i survive
because without this i am fully empty
like a starving soul amongst the plenty

thoughts thought everywhere
but not a single word to write,
oh dear reader i feel i don't have long-
what a pity it is to have my plight?

i had this dream last night
you and me and a long bus ride
huddled together in a seat for 2
leaving behind our town's view
we talked for a while
and passed a few smiles
only to let the silence embrace us
keeping away from topics of trust

but i could feel your mind churning
and deep down hoped for a desire burning
for something that i'd craved for far too long
knowing ****** well that it was wrong

and then dozed off me
into yet another fantasy
of a reality pretty far from mine
with our hands intertwined
and our faces mere inches apart
and booooom, i woke up with a start
only too see that your hand had moved
and was now gently touching my fingers
with looks that weren't appropriate to linger

i was hyperventilating, wasn't i?
my face up in ashes like the sunset sky
and your gaze pierced my soul
as if i were a diamond amongst the coal
you whispered my name and said-
"i wish we'd taken my car instead.......
and Oh My God i convulsed there and then,
wondering how did this ever happen?

because even in my dreams know i this
that i am not a part of you that you miss
to your calmness i am chaotic and careless
to your perfection i shall remain a mess
and you will soar high and shall always rise
whereas i will be a broken little girl who cries

because you're the sun that shines too bright
and i am a moth drawn to your darkest light

without words i am just another aimless cloud
floating my way through this warm warm life
trying to get lost while yearning to be found
i feel dark and desolate starving to survive
all this pent up negativity is waiting to burst out
maybe lashing out will lighten the burden i carry
but all day everyday when i humbly thunder
of myself become i a wee bit wary
what have i become and what am i supposed to be
keeps on conflicting inside this fully empty head of mine
i should've lined myself silver as i stopped the heat be
but all i did was become heavy with my wasteful whine
destruction i harbour and damage is what i do
in all the bright shades i myself choose to be in blue
thus i spend my days loitering around
without making a single sound
and only at night do i let myself dwell
residing in the heaven i am nothing but a harbinger of hell

it's funny how i keep wishing to go back
yet i yearn to move in fast forward
my worries keep piling up in unending stacks
and i turn a blind eye to them like a coward
with every passing day
i keep more to myself than i say
to him, to them or anyone near me,
i don't even write it in my poetries
so much is going around
every thought is in circles
losing am i more than i've found
evading everything like a shirker
but stand i steadily on this shaking ground
relying on talent but never being a hardworker
everday i feel like a loser
who was beat at her own game
i feel like just another random doodle
who thought she could make her name
disappointment i am to everyone who ever believed in me
every minute alive i wonder where i'd be
but nothing's going to be real; only imaginary
an old soul who shall fade away in contemporary

and even if

i pour one full

bottle of ink

and cover all

these sheets

still there'll be

feelings left

for my broken

heart to bleed

from miles away your eyes see
a girl who's really pretty

but when she let's you close
let's you take her hand and hold

you start to notice the flaws
and realise,
-the serenity was simply chaos

and you are repulsed by her reality,
"your admiration in all its fragility"

and that breaks her heart
when you hate her other parts

parts that she hid from the world
but chose to show you and only you.

why do people leave
when they get to know her, ask you i?
that only strengthens her belief
that it will always be the glittery gold that satisfies

when i look back to when i was a little girl
with starry eyes i watched the glitter world
but now as i am in my twenties
with knowledge of dollars and rupees
wonder i where that dreamy hope went
wondering why to this place was i sent?

it all made sense back then but now is a mess
all i have gained is experience with stress
heartbreak isn't the worst that could happen
but it's unbearable when it occurs often

friends and family seem to be something i fancy
because now all i have is an acquaintance agency
with every hour my thoughts get deeper but i become hollow
this adulthood is nothing but a bitter pill i swallow

wake up, work to eat and sleep
with episodes of anxiety on repeat
i hate the person i am today
broken, escapist and lost away
with a pathetic past and futile future
i am waiting for a permanent closure

i have wasted so much time on people to whom i had never really mattered
and this realisation has me sobful and shattered
nobody loves you, but just what good you can do
in this planet full of people, all you have is you

so why let anyone in?
if they all leave after they've been

i wish i could go back because i can't go forward
i know it sounds like i am a coward
but honestly, i am just tired of trying
being strong and giving has me crying
i have no love left inside
everybody to me has always lied

what did i ever do to you, ask you i

it hasn't been long since i last wrote
yet inking real poetry seems ages away,
when words flew without any implore
and i could free my feelings everyday

now everything remains stuck inside
deep within my head it all hides

and i feel ~ asphyxiated
indulged and incinerated
without a way out i sit in solace
my independence lost in space

what more does my life has now
was my past better somehow?
i miss people from long ago
but i guess that letting them go
was the rightest of right thing
yet feel i like an angel with a broken wing
incomplete and tired
differently wired
hauntingly beautiful and dauntigly dead
i am forever lost in my head

what am i doing with my life, i have no clue
every minute i feel pink, black and blue
no innocence left in view
i feel ugly covered in painful hues

I want to write something that will stay even when I no longer do,
Trying to portray my life covered in fictional hues.

I want an out yet wish to stay chained to my comfort zone,
I wonder if in this body I have a single confident bone?

So that I could step out and be
.F  .  R  .   E  .  E.

Of my mind that imprisons my soul,
Making me believe living my life is a goal.

I long to be happy without feeling guilty
I wish to dance to my heart out for eternity;
But all I do is think about it all
Too afraid to love myself because of my fear of fall.

Will I ever be able to carve my name somewhere-
Where
It shall always stay
Even when I will have faded away?

"Not Marble Nor The Gilded Monuments" spikes my anxiety
Thinking,
Will my afterlife shall be forgotten by entirety?

The thoughts about my future are seeping out of my sutures...where will go to what will I be?
-are all thoughts by a mere nobody who fears staying an unworthy nobody.

it is
the
mind
of a
stationary
body
that
wanders
the
most

it's funny how stupid i can actually be
thinking that people feel as deeply as me
the thought of losing someone i care about
makes me anxious, i cry and shout

my love shall never be returned
and thus, i shall stay silent and stern
for i never mattered and neither will i
from the first hello to last goodbye

it will only ever be me- alone
how insignificant i am, life has shown
but it is because of my nature i suppose
people have done nothing wrong, of course

i give too much that nothing is ever left
i spare people even when they should be charged for theft

guess it will always be this way
since my unfortunate birth to my decay
i shall be forgotten without any delay
for i can't be like other girls, even for a day