I just got the news of you leaving　
ｔｈｉｓ　ｗｏｒｌｄ.  

I regret not telling you that I love you
I regret not telling you about all the things that I love about you
I regret not telling you about how fun those times I spent with you were
I regret not telling you all the things we did together that I treasure
I regret minding too much about how my voice would have trembled if I had told you all these feelings.

I love you.
I miss you.

and I’ll never forget you.

my eyes are rain clouds
they’re stormy
and I’m tired
of tears falling

wish you called one more time
it’s raining. it’s pouring.
it’s 3 am in the morning
and I just need you by my side

you thought
i could be
your friend

when you didn't have a problem leaving
and when i am here grieving

to be like icarus
to taste the clouds
to reach for the sun

to fall
as your wings melt
down your back
then on your skin

You are walking down the hall when you see her. She stops and stares, and here, alone in the cool, shadowed corner of the palace, there is no longer any pretense that you do not know each other.

The garden is beautiful tonight but somehow you are all I think of.  

She sees it in your face.  

"Hey...."  

> I'm okay.
> I can't stop thinking about it.
> You shouldn't have to deal with my ****. Let's just have a good time.

.

You trail away. The sky is spinning a glowing vortex of radial star lines. You fall to the ground, arms sprawled behind your head, writhing as the universe hypnotizes you.  

You feel the grass growing over your face. Feel yourself sinking into the earth. Soft, warm, like the roots are veins, red brown dark, fertile, rich, fecund, churning with life.  

You think about your long life of fear. About waking up as a husk tomorrow. You clutch at the grass. It twists and tears in your hands and the dew feels like blood.

Like being dragged out of a deep pit where you've lived so long in isolation you no longer had any reference point, but now that you've seen the light and tasted clean air, you'd fight like a rabid animal to stay free.

You look around and you can't see your dead friend anywhere.

I feel like I saw you
But when I open my eyes
There is an empty room

Here I am, again.

I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶'̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶
I don't think there is
any comparison
between the current
hard times and
the coming good times

it happens all the time.

I'm alone in a hole in the ground
when I'm afraid, I lose my mind

but it's okay, it's fine.

I'm still a kid.
but I can see that you are too.  

                                                                                               why am I a kid?

I can see that you want to be
loved.

im wasting my life on pointless things
i sometimes think
when does life begin

im falling out of conversations
i cant pay attention
repeat the question

love is to surrender yourself to another

                                                        ­              body,
                                             ­                         heart,
                                 ­                                     soul,

I'll leave you words
underneath your door
underneath the singing moon

near the place where your feet may pass by
hidden in the holes of wintertime
and when you're alone for a moment

kiss me
whenever you want

d

you who abandoned me here
your feet will pain you before you've gone even ten steps

Recently, I haven’t been feeling myself.
I feel like I’ve lost myself over the years.  

There are more times of me feeling hollow, empty than of me being happy.  I don’t know how to explain it.  Nor do I even know how to fill that hole.  

People say that it’ll get better.  
                            What will? When? Why did it happen?

People say that things will change.
                            For better?  No. You don’t know that.

Often, I look out the window and imagine an alternate world.  Some place where I would be smarter.  Prettier.  Liked more.  Better.  

That wish might overlap with some people.

Being a Marvel fan, I always wanted to have Spider-Man powers.  And maybe a piece or fragment of Tony Stark’s intelligence and creativity.  

Creativity that I had lost over the years.  Intelligence that I never had to begin with.  Powers or abilities to make me proud of who I am.  Now I have none of those and the only thing that is left of me is the empty shell and the mask that I wear to hide.. me.

-

I’m not proud of myself.  Nor are my parents.  Not even my friends.  If they were to know who I was.  I hide behind smiles and jokes.  I use your humor as a way of keeping people at a distance.  

No, my parents aren’t divorced.  No, I’m not disabled.  
Yes, I attend a fairly good school.  Yes, I have good people around me.  

Despite all the good things I have, I can’t stop feeling. Useless. Worthless. Not enough.  I don’t feel motivated to do anything.  I feel like the part of me that wants everything to end is taking over me day by day.  I sometimes want to jump out of the window but I fear pain.  I’m weak.  I want to buy pills and swallow the whole bottle but I don’t know what pills to buy.  It’s hard to get ahold on them here in Japan.  Should I burn everything I own before I die?  Or disappear after selling everything?  

I feel the need to do so so that my parents don’t have anything to look back on.  So they wouldn’t have to feel so ashamed about having me as a daughter.  I cry often now.  My father tells me that I did this to myself.  Bad grades.  Bad friendships.  No motivation.  I’ve disappointed many people in my life.  I cry feeling sorry for myself even though I have dug my own grave.  

I somehow never seem to learn.  I think there’s something wrong with me.  I’ve been telling my parents there’s something wrong with me but they just tell me I’m making up things.  Excusing myself from the reality that I am a disappointment.  That I messed up.  That I am dumb.  Useless.  I will never amount to anything.  I am hollow.  I am but a shadow of everyone else that used to be friends with me.  

I am not writing this for hope that I will change.  I just feel the need to put this out there.  Not for help.  I don’t seek help anymore.  Nothing will ever change.  

Some say, “Not with that attitude” but I’m tired of hearing those words.  I’ve already made and broken so many promises that I am not worthy of change.  Or a miracle.  I sometimes wish that whenever I go out to buy groceries, a car or truck will hit me.  I wish for an accident to happen so that I will die.  Or that something drastic would happen to me so that I will be away from everything.  Possibly in a hospital bed.  Possibly dying on the side of the road.  Possibly giving me a disability so that I could finally have an excuse of being who I am.  

I’ve imagined people at my funeral.  Not many will be there.  And even those who attend, will have never known the real me.  My true feelings.  About my friends, parents, education—everything and anything.  

I am writing this because I can’t tell anyone about this.  I understand that it doesn’t make sense.  Don’t worry about posting comments on this.  I will be glad that it has been read.  Although it was long.  I don’t know who you are or what you have been through.  I apologize for taking up your time.  

I don’t know what I am.  Who I am.  What I will be in the future.  I know nothing.

.i don’t know where to begin
.how it began
.how it ended
          .all i know is that i am here
          .here right now. and that is all that matters.

let me understand the clouds
their moods and patterns that

they display in the sky

a single cloud crosses the sky,
from the ground, we can watch it go by

holding my world up there high
in the sky, we look as time passes by

happy clouds, quiet clouds
calm, still clouds

the time when we were most happy, our glory days
with the people surrounding me

there was something…
like we didn’t want this moment to end
and wished that this happiness will never end
it was one of those days

if you draw yourself, looking in the mirror

then that’s a self-portrait.  
if you’re looking in the mirror to draw yourself,

you’d probably start you think of who you really are
I reflect on what happened and who I was in the past few years.

and I made this poem.

He sat there, trying to figure out what to do next. The sound of the raindrops on his window reminded him of a better time, a time when he was in love. He opened his window allowing a soft breeze to blow in. He closed his eyes, and went back to that day.
   It was a warm summer night, and although a dark cloud of rain hung over the entire city, he knew it was going to be a magical night. He entered the ballroom, and as if by magic, he saw her. She was the most beautiful being he had ever seen.
   Of course, being 18 and sent to Paris from America didn't help his case at all. His father had told him that he was a man now and he needed to start a life of his own. Moving to Paris was a huge leap, but he didn't see a life for himself in America.
   He was hesitant to even approach such a gorgeous creature, when suddenly, she walked over to greet him first. They exchanged friendly banter, with him constantly fiddling with his shirt sleeve out of anxiousness, and before he knew it, he was waltzing with the woman of his dreams.
   Suddenly a gust of wind knocked over a picture frame and jolted him out of his fantasy. He got up, shut the window, and walked over to the fallen frame. He picked up the picture and let out a sad laugh. They looked miserable in this picture, but only because they had to sit for so long for it to be taken. He sat down with the frame still in his hand, and let out a sigh.
   The past year of his life was an emotional blur. He could recall bits and pieces, but could never remember the whole story. Countless nights filled with passion and romance, a bond for life that could never be broken. But then he remembered. The love of his life was had left him.
   Every time he closed his eyes he swore he saw a fleeting glimpse of her face, but he knew that it wasn't real.
   He snapped back to reality and grabbed his jacket before heading out the door.
   The rain was falling much harder now, but that couldn't stop him from going to see his love again. He stopped by a flower stand and bought a single rose, and continued on his way.
   He searched for nearly an hour when he finally spotted her. He ran across the path, nearly slipping on almost every puddle, to get to her. When he was finally standing in front of her, he smiled with tears in his eyes, before starting with "hello, my love". He blinked the tears from his eyes and continued. "I know it's been nearly a year since you left, but I just can't bring myself to get over you. I told you that'd I'd love you till the end, and that was a promise." He kneeled down in front of her. "I know that you didn't choose to go, but I can't help but think what the rest of my life would've been like with you. I still love you, dear, and I plan to love you until the day that I die." He placed the rose near the headstone in front of him. "Until next time, my love, goodbye"

"Daughter now you are going to be a wife and a mother of your children. And your life will continue like that..but my daughter even if you become somebody's wife and somebody's mother don't give up your own happiness. Don't forget you are daddy's precious little girl. Never forget that you and me, we are all important "

❀
the flowers also shed its leaves

the rich also trust no one,
always looking out for their money

the fame of celebrities
also melt down like ice cream

the jewels also become yellow
when worn continuously

the sun also cannot always
look down on us

the clown does not always smile
the bird also cannot always make sounds

the youth also will ******* one day like paper
glamorous lights also cannot shine without electricity

my amazing dad also gets wide eyed
when he sees his own ID card

the scorching fire also turns to dust
when it’s out

glamorous things like peacocks,
like its glamorous wings open and close

the bird I saw at the water park
that bird flew so freely
it seemed so happy to me
because it has wings that I don't have

it is able to go anywhere it wants to go
but that bird is very lonely,  
because it's flying after departing its mother

the bird I saw at the water park
the bird I saw at the playground
the bird I saw on the plane

the bird that was always alone, will fly
freely to find friends
it's not lonely anymore as it flies together

hey, bird bird bird bird

the bird that was always alone, will fly
freely to find friends
it's not lonely anymore as it flies together

hey, bird bird bird bird

but what happens
when your heart is shattered into a million pieces?

I don’t want to be here anymore,
but I’m too afraid to die.

I don’t want to exist,
but I don’t want to die.

I want to disappear,
but I don’t want to leave.

I want to go.
                 Go away from here.

I don’t want to be here or there.
I don’t want to be anywhere.

this feeling will persist,
         this feeling to not exist.

there is no fixing me,

                                              I wish to be free,

please.
please.
hear my plea.

you grasp with your own hands.

once you have it, you must
never ever let it go.

make sure you live your life to the fullest.

                                                                                                        thank you.

thank you.

no matter what or how i think

i think a part of me is broken.
i feel like something is pressing my heart.
it feels so frustrating, and it makes me sad.

what should i do?

remain dear
only up to this                                                             ­     point.

"the sad truth is that opportunity
                                 doesn't knock twice."

i don't really know
what i was thinking,

putting my words
out
here

thinking it would help
thinking this feeling would just

                                                                                                                   fade.