i'm sorry that i'm not happy.
but all the lives i have lived,
all the heartache & pain
have caused my unhappiness.
it's nothing to do with you.
all it is, is the past.
telling me that love means pain
& that if they don't hurt you constantly
it's not love.
my past tells me that love
is always perfect & happy,
that there are no issues in love,
love is perfect.
all these ideals & perfectionism
sabotaging my relationships
sabotaging my happiness.
telling me that this is wrong
because i was raised in contradiction.
contradiction is my home.
i've seen the war between my parents
i've heard the screaming of insults
i've witnessed the anger
i've been the blank screen
on which to cast the anger on.
i was taught from a very young age
that my failures were catastrophic
instead of a normal process of life.
i was taught that my temper
was a way to gain the attention
i so desperately craved.
i was taught that my pain
was insignificant & invalid
that i was a brat for feeing anything
except grateful.
i grew up thinking that nice
was boring & unsatisfying
& that danger & manipulation
would fill the empty void.
i grew up with negativity, pain
& contradiction
clouding my every thought,
clouding my every judgement,
shaping my every decision.
so i'm sorry i'm not happy.
saying "it's not you; it's me"
sounds like such a cliché.
but it couldn't be more appropriate.
forgive me.

dilated pupils
so far the eye turns black
darkness triumphs
& the demons are out to play
twisted, wicked smile
she's laughing
crooked, backward
crawling, digging
making home
inside the crevices of my brain
i'm laughing
skeleton fingers
curled around my rib cages
picking apart my insides
a heart?
oh, you don't need this my dear...
the bones in my spine
crick, crack, break
i cannot bend back any further
she's smiling
always so happy to take over
a prisoner to my own body
living inside my head
as i watch through
the barred windows they call my eyes
i am hypnotized by her
she's evil
yet somehow so beautiful
as she rips hearts away
& swallows souls whole
playing with the leftover blood
leaving behind nothing but ash,
a kiss,
& a smirk
all i do is watch
all i do is smile
as she destroys me
all i do is wait
until she's done
& i awake from the evil
haunting my mind
but over the years
my brain has decayed
& i isolate myself
so she's become bored.
with nothing left to play with,
she's starting to pack her things
to find a home with better toys
but i'll always be fascinated
by her evil ways

i don't want to go to sleep
because i don't want to sleep without
feeling your body curled around me.
i don't want to go to sleep
because i don't want to sleep without
waking up next to your sleepy face.
but i have to for now
so i will.
but until i see you
i'm giggling & smiling at our memories
& dreaming of your smile.