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Nicole Gaudiano Jan 2017
The fact is
It doesn’t matter whether you knew it was going to happen or not
To live with the idea
“It wouldn’t have hurt this bad if I had only seen it coming”
Is truly a false one
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter
The fact is
It happened
It's done
It's gone
And you are still left with yourself
It will always be
Just you
And yourself
This is the only promise life will keep
Nicole Gaudiano Nov 2016
And then she smiled
I didn't think it was possible
And I really don't know why it never occurred to me
The possibility of her ultimate happiness was a foreign concept I suppose
But look, look at her now
It's finally complete
He came home
Nicole Gaudiano Aug 2016
I thought it would be worse.
The pain of you not being here, physically present.
I assumed this would be the worst of it.
I could not have been more wrong.
The worst part is getting a taste.
Getting a taste of what was
What could be
What will be
But not now
I think the pain after the fact
After knowing what you are like
With me
To know how wonderful existing together is
Only to have it taken away
The pain of missing you is near unbearable
After all
I feel it in my bones.
  May 2016 Nicole Gaudiano
You're right.
The world's not black anymore.
But it's still looking grey.

It isn't night anymore.
But it surely isn't day.

The world isn't upside down anymore.
But I'm still not looking straight.

The door isn't locked up tight anymore.
But it's still a locked up gate.

I might not be standing still anymore,
But I'm still not ready to run.

My finger isn't on the trigger anymore.
But I haven't put down my gun.

You may not see me cry anymore.
But you still don't see me grin.

No, I'm not shutting you out anymore.
But I'm still not letting you in.

I'm shaking hands with the darkness.
And I'm shaking hands with the light.

But I can't let go of either,
Or they'll see each other and fight.

Don't assume that
Because I don't sink anymore,
That I must be flying.

Just because I'm not dead anymore,
Doesn't mean that I'm not dying.
Nicole Gaudiano May 2016
I said your name more than I've ever said I love you
I think eventually they became one in the same to me
Suddenly your name became the most important word that would ever leave my lips
Your name, a singular word, would come to mean the word to me
And eventually
Your name
Instead of being breathed in between the I love you's
Would soon be between the broken sobs filled with regret
I pray for the day where I can say your name without feeling each piece of myself that I worked too hard to put back together threaten to fall apart again into the mess I am now
One day
I'll be okay
And your name will only be a fleeting memory
  Apr 2016 Nicole Gaudiano
I want that waking up at 6 am to make you breakfast kind of love,
that my friends think I'm absolutely crazy kind of love
the kind of love that is reckless and addicting
that I don't care what you look like I just want to stay up all hours to share secrets kind of love
that every time I see you my heart throbs kind of love
that I see you upset and you don't have to say anything and I already know what to do kind of love
that stand next to me because I love you kind of love
that "you can have the cup with more coffee" kind of love
that you get my heart and the world gets the worst of me kind of love.
that you are my everything kind of love.
I just want you to bite my lip until I can't speak and can't scream anyone's name but yours.
I want you to touch the places that my ex forgot to touch.
I want you to let me scratch my brokenness into your back so that your moans can be the only thing that can fix me.
Let me make your body sing songs your lips don't know the words to.
Resurrect me so you can be all that I live for.
I want love.
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