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Court Nov 2021
Wish I could look at you.
Wish that these demons calling to me wouldn't be the last to see me.
They scream to me in a familiar voice, the one voice I'd wanna hear.
But I know once I awake I'll see my greatest pain.
My biggest regret.
My deepest fear.
I'll see you in that revolving door once again.
When you decided I was no longer what you wanted
When you gave me everything then took it away when you left in silence that turned into a black memory crammed so far down the bottle I forgot it was even there.
You changed my world and plagued everything and everyone around.
Because every little thing you used to do calls to me asking me to remember, to see it once again.
And the birds in the freezer in my heart have become so still and quiet.
My pupils grow smaller and smaller every day because in my world that used to be so bright and full of life has become so dark and small.
And I can't come to terms with living in a world without us.
So I look-
I hear you.
I feel you.
I see you
Court Nov 2021
loving you was like the split second when you die and are revived
i felt like i had nothing but matches and gasoline
i was nothing but an unfinished book that the author didn’t want to finish
when i met you everything changed
i had learned the peace of healing
i learned the grace of forgiveness
i became whole
the fire that once burn my brain with anxiety was finally calmed
it was like driving under a bridge in the rain
i felt excited and quiet for once in life
now you’re gone and so am i
i don’t remember how to heal without you so i’ll just wait until you come back through that door
i will wait until you remember what it felt like calm the storm
walk across the ocean back to me and tell me i am worthy of life again.
Court Sep 2021
Whenever I die
I don’t want people to lie
And say I was nice
That wouldn’t be right
Tell them how I felt inside
How easy it was to make me cry
How I’d jump from guy to guy
That I wasn’t easy to love
And I rarely felt like I was enough
I believed in God above
But living it out was really rough
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
I could be mad and if you’d seen it
You’d know I say thing and not mean it
Tell so many lies that I’d believe it
Say I’d love them then I’d leave em
I never shared what was mine
And I wasted too much time
I don’t want people to lie
Whenever I die
To the people I hurt I would apologize
Though I always thought I was right
I’d be crying and say I was fine
And I’d feel lonely most of the time
If it’s not too much to ask
Do me a favor one last time
Tell them who I am
Whenever I die
i haven’t written anything here in a long time
Court Sep 2018
Its like I speak but the words vanish like dust
Because it just goes in one ear and out the other
Just like you always seem to go in one door and out the other
And its like I'm buying your happiness
Because you smile at my expense
But  you can never get enough so you take every ounce of love I have for you and spend it on messages you would never let me read
Its just hard because we built this relationship out of your lies and my mustard seed faith stopped growing but I still kept coming back.
And why?
Maybe its because the pain is a reminder that the love was real
It's a reminder that "we" once existed.
That the hour of happiness existed before you relapsed and I found out.
You injected me with your demons, they lived in the house you built in my veins.
The blood that was once a vivid red, stayed blue because the only oxygen that would hit it would be consumed by the breaths you shared with her.
I inhaled your inability to love anybody other than you. Your secondhand smoke clouded my vision and took over my brain.
You became my every movement and response and the thing keeping me alive.
You were my rehab.
Took my every addiction and made it you.
And I couldn't stop. I just kept injecting you. I kept breathing you.
Then you left.
And I looked in the mirror and saw that I had become who you are.
I had mimicked your every emotion, expression, and words.
And I was nowhere to be found.
Court Jan 2018
The only word that could replace my name
Because I’m never happy for anyone.
Yes I might be there for someone when they’re sad but when it comes to someone’s happiness, I don’t care.
And maybe that’s why I’m so angry all the time.
Not because I wish to be as happy as other people
But because when it came to you I wasn’t that person.
I wanted you to be okay. Happy.
I would cross oceans and search atlases to find you when you needed me.
I wanted you to be happy.
Because if you were happy that made problems seem a little lighter. They would be absent, even if it was just for a second.
I even stopped writing because I didn’t remember what it felt like to hurt anymore.
You made me hate that me that never wished anyone the best.
I said I’d always love myself more than anyone. I’d always care about my problems more than anyone else’s.
But I knew you were suffering so I did the unthinkable. I went against my instincts.
I let you go.
Because my selfish, jealous heart only held love for you.
And I needed to see that smile again even if I wasn’t the reason for it.
And I hope you feel free.
Court May 2016
I'm trying to remember the last time I thought of you without thinking of "goodbye"
Every day just screams your silence that will be with me for the rest of my life.
I know that this lifetime might not have anything left for us and I've come to terms with it like when they ask if you accept the terms and conditions.
And I don't. I just can't.
Because if I keep walking without you it's like every single day we spent together was just a past time.
But if I turn around I might never move on.
And I know in time you will find another who will erase your memories with me, but I hope when you hear "Chasing Cars" it'll bring you back to that rooftop.
I hope you never find the courage to stop loving me because I know I'll never stop loving you
And when those days come and you just want to be someone else, I hope that you will call.
And I hope in time you find the satisfaction of being free.
I hope you find time to remember who you are and visit our past self.
I hope you remember the music we made and the notes we cracked, and the word we butchered, and the feelings we hurt, and the moments we hated, and the sins we committed.
Remember me. And remember you.
Court May 2016
I don't know how the spark went out
but it did
did I lose that brightness in my eyes
or was my love just never enough
Whether the fire was put out or just vanished
it doesn't matter
Cause it still went out.
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