She introduced herself, as
Sunset.
Batted her lashes not to be flirtatious ,
But to hide that her eyes were wet.
All around me were blurred, but beautiful faces.
Yet, my eyes only focused on hers
The first that I noticed.

When I bought my first camera,
From that sales-man down in Alabama.
And he taught me how to use it,
He said, "see here son, if I was to take your picture I'd set this camera here on portrait.
But if I took a picture of that pretty little girl 'cross the road"
he said with a smirk
"I'd have to set this here camera on Firework"

It's funny how memories work.
I think of that man now, of his coffee colored skin and straw hat.
I never thought I'd need to know any of that.
but right here and now I set that camera to sunset.
raise it to my eye
And take a picture of
Sunset.
As if she were a colorful sky.
and that's it.
some people deserve more than a portrait.

And I know, I'm going to take her to a dark room.
And see what develops, of her negatives.
But first, I want to hear all about her crazy relatives.
Who gives her, her beauty?
where's she take her dog to groom?
The poodle on her leash is a cutie.
and what does she doodle on her notebooks?
stars or hearts or sugar skulls....
Does she know she's caught me on her fishin' hook?
What's she think of me, I'm sure I look dull.
Why are her teary eyes so full, About to overflow.
There were so many things I wanted to know....
before I took her to a dark room.
But it happened
And all I found in the picture that developed was gloom.
I realized I was her first.
And the best night of my life became my worst.
because I took something from her she didn't want to give.
But I just didn't know that she wouldn't want to live.
Keep reading, this ends beautifully.
beautifully like a sunset ends a day.
But, you have to believe me when I say that's not nearly as beautifully
As Sunset ends my hopes and dreams.
How she ended her own life
With pretty little pink pills.
One....Two....Three
gripped in her hand they found a picture of me.
And now I know, Sunsets are all about Beautiful Endings.
It's funny how memories work

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

When I asked you to fix me,
You told me I wasn't broken.
But, let this soak in.
I just wanted to know,
If i was still a pretty enough picture to be worth, agonizing over a puzzle.
Even when it's a struggle.
And you have to nuzzle each piece into place,
Kissing the pieces bent out of shape,
Searching for pieces gone missing,
But you can't make a raisin back into a grape.
Yes, I Remember your middle name
And who says we can't celebrate failure?
Don't be sad, we tried, we tried.
When you write your story in the sand it washes away with the tide.
It isn't our fault.
We may have cut ourselves open, But we didn't ask for the salt in our
wounds
Can I still say "we"?
I guess you're kind of done with me.
I don't blame you, Puzzles are frustrating.
they're a tease.
Please, tell me I haven't lost the most important piece.
Tell me I haven't lost
you.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

Is it nice inside your closet?
Do you have enough room?
Listen, you can talk to me. I have secrets too.

Do you enjoy Life inside your Closet?
And can you call it Home?
Maybe, you'd like to get out.
Visit Jamaica, Paris, Rome?
You know, I wouldn't let you travel alone.

Are you afraid of your parents?
or the judgement of your peers?
Afraid your deep dark secret might spill out after a few beers?

Don't want to ruin your reputation?
with what? The truth?
Scared of Confrontation?
Sweetie, don't waste your youth.

© copyrighted *Nicole Ann Osborn

Knock Knock Knock
On my trailer door.
More work to be done, I'm too sore and too tired to do more.
A little young lady stood there, her face painted white.
What was she doing out here in the middle of the night?
Long Teal hair framed her face.
but why was she here, she's a little out of place.
Pink hearts were painted on her cheek bones.
I invited her in
it was stupid.
I was feeling so alone.

"How do I join the circus?"
she asked.

"Well you already look the part"
I said gesturing at her Pink face paint hearts
"How old are you little Miss?"

"Seventeen today"

"Are you serious about this?"

"Yes, Sir I mean business, okay?"

"Are you aware you're under age?"

"Who else but the circus would take a runaway?"

"I bet your parents are missing you."

"Yes, I'm sure I'm greatly missed, that much is true."

"Then what brings you here?'"

"I want to join the circus haven't I made that clear?"

"Why would you want to be here and scoop elephant dung? Look at you, Under all the make up you're most likely beautiful and Gosh, you're so young."

she wrapped her arms around me I was breathless from how tightly she clung.

"Mam, what are you doing"

"listening to your heartbeat."

"what's it sound like?"

"Like life, it sounds like life. I'd give anything to feel alive."

"What's wrong with your life what about your family and your friends?"

"I'm misunderstood by them, and the torture never ends. I know it sounds funny since I'm dressed like a clown. But that's all I've ever been to anyone. A joke, never taken seriously. Maybe they were Right. Because for me, being a joke just comes so easily."

"come on lets wash your face off, Let me see the real you."

She wouldn't stop holding me she said, "I just want to feel you."

I shook her off and took her hand, led her to the sink. In a strange way this little lady felt like some sort of missing link.

"What makes your heart beat?"
She asked as I was washing off her mask.

"What a peculiar question for you to ask."

"It's just my heart keeps beating, but for no one. I have no one."

I layed down the rag when I was done.
her beauty was unbelievable.
She was God's masterpiece and I was his scribble.

"I don't know what my heart beats for.
But I know it's skipping beats for you Mi Amor."

"So you'll let me stay here? You'll let me be a circus clown."

I tilted up her chin so she'd stop looking down.
"I'm not denying you the fact you make the birds in my rib cage sing.
But, listen to me. you need to go on home now Darling."

"What's that? I've had many houses but never a home.
Please, I'm begging you don't make me go.
I'm all alone
I ran away to join the circus don't you understand?"

I tried to calm her down as I took her by the hand.
"Cant you see that this is wrong? You've run away to join the circus but you don't belong here.
You've runaway to join the circus
But you're not a clown my dear.
I understand that you've run away and your not looking back.
You've run away to join the circus.
How about, instead, you run away with me. We'll follow the train tracks. It will come easily."

We've made a life for ourselves now, one not run by fear.
But every night I wash off her make up and remind her.
"You're not a clown my Dear"


© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

Knock Knock Jokes Aren't funny when There's nobody there.
Actually, Nothing is funny when no one's there to care.
when your sense of humor washes down the drain.
there's nothing left to feel but numbness and pain.
I'ts been an eternity since the landscape of my face has had this much rain.
My cheeks have been so dry.
I was self-taught not to cry.
I'm understanding now, why a drought was called The Great Depression.
Depression, Not a direction I want to go.
But you wouldn't know I'm there.
That's how it works, Depression.
You know, it goes so much deeper than a ****** expression.
It's not so much easy to hide it , as it is you get good at it.
But no matter how long-lived the drought,
What I would be more worried about,
Is the ground being so dry it's lost the ability to absorb the rain.
Have you ever seen it rain after a dry-spell?
the raindrops plop to the ground and swell on the surface, not soaking in.
I don't know where to begin,
They told me I'd feel better if I cried and "let it out"
But, I think they know, it  takes more than that to end a drought.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I take off my coat and stomp the snow off my shoes.
Trip over the rug and instantly bruise.
Glance up at the stack of medical bills, next to the various bottles of pills.
Crawl into bed to drift away.
Ready to escape another horrid day.
and right when conciseness started to vanish.
There's a knock on the door,
A little Spanish girl I'd never seen before.
"Sorry, wrong house."
She says in a heavy accent.
I notice her knit gloves are frozen
On her hands, made perfectly for imprints in cement.
And I wonder
If she ever made art with her hand prints when she was a kid,
I don't know, maybe she was better than that.
But for some reason, I want her to make me one of those hand print crafts.
So I say, "But this house has a fireplace, come on in."
She steps inside and laughs.
I pull the frozen knit gloves off her tiny cold hands. and breath into them to make them warm.
My stomachs butterflies are flying in swarms.
Then she sees the the pills and asks "what are all these?"
My heart sinks
"Don't worry about it, just forget it...please"
Her eyes drop and get wide when she sees the bruise on my knee.
And for the first time she really sees me.
I know how she must feel.
getting in on the short end of a sick deal.
Or maybe she can't believe that it's real.
she just pulls up her sleeve, and shows me her wrist.
A hospital bracelet with bold type reading flight risk
I start to tell her she needs to go back.
And feel my cheek turning red from her slap
she says "I'm sorry, Just don't make me go..Nobody want's to die alone."
I don't know if it was the needy look in her eye,
Or the helplessness in her tone.
But you should know that
She didn't die alone.


© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I know all of the cuts and burns I've seen myself before.
I know all of the twists and turns. I've been down this road before.
Like a Geode, I have Crystals inside.
But on the outside, I'm like any other rock.
so how would you tell me a part from a stone.
I don't have a lot of self pride.
That shouldn't come as a shock.
I've always walked this road alone.
But I'm a Geode.
I'm a Geode.
Though you'd never know till you break me, and open me up.
only then will you see my crystal beauty.
when I'm in pieces and have had enough.
But there's no way of knowing a Geode from Rock.
You won't find out in time, No you won't hear it from the clock.
But if you love them you'll break them.
no matter how tough.
and you'll see the inside shell and if it shines.
You'll never find out if you don't cross any lines.
And it might be rough.
But they just might shine.
I read that Thunder Storms are formed from unstable air.
And I don't know,
I'm just taking some unstable breaths right now.
I didn't mean to start a Storm or anything frightening.
But oh well, Brace yourself. I'm not afraid of lightning.
It's only energy tween earth and sky.
Were all energy but were not as striking as lightning, though i don't know why.
Because We keep our beauty on the inside.
instead of being broken and exposed.
When you broke you chose to heal
we all do it has more appeal.
But why not expose ourselves.
Not every thorn has a rose.
not every rock is a Geode.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

MISERY loves Company
Mainly,
Because Happiness already has it.
SMILE
why should I when no one's there to see it.
LIVE
why should I when no one's there to breath it.
No one to inhale  the promises I exhale.
Misery loves company, loves heart ache, loves heart break.
Victim of earthquake
Loves
Victim of Tsunami.
Sad Fatherless Girl
Loves
The boy without a Mommy.
MISERY loves company.
Mainly,
Because happiness already has it.
If the homeless love the homeless they'll be hopeless to ever have a home.
If the orphaned love the orphaned they'll forever be alone.
Misery loves company and Misery loves love.
Love,
Is a miserable thing.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

Dear Migraines, tell me will anyone see the blood stains this time?
"from one to ten rate your pain."
"I'm just fine."
    Dear Migraines, will anyone not believe me this time?
The message didn't scare me it was the context.
Did you send that to all of your contacts?
You can lie all you want, All I want is the facts.
If you're angry stay away from the ax no matter what form It's in.
    Dear Migraines in his head, I know it's just all in his head.
Excuses, Excuses "It was an accident."
     Dear Migraines, are you fluent in his thoughts?
     Dear Suicidal thoughts, were you frequent? were you constant?
"it was an accident"
    A note to his parents, why were you absent? Children need you even after they're an infant. And there is never a time to make them your servant.
  Dear Pills, was it really that urgent? Why didn't you stay in the bottle?
   Dear Bottle, did your contents stop the pounding in his thick skull?
I have to chuckle but it's not funny, It makes my eyes wet and my nose runny. And I don't know why. I've slowly forgotten what it's like not to cry. have you?
   Dear Migraines, more like figment of his imagination darkening the pigment of his skin where the scars are in creation.
    Dear Migraines, you are not obligated to be an obligation.
     Dear Officer is this against his probation?
     Dear God, should I pray for his Salvation?
Dear Suicidal thoughts, may you die of starvation. I hope no one feeds you
He doesn't need you!
       Dear complication, why are you so complicated?
I can't imagine he sat there and contemplated death.
        Dear Death, don't let him take his last breath, Please.
                  © copyrighted *Nicole Ann Osborn

I'm tired.
tired of being sad
tired, of the things we said,
we'd never do, but then we did.
tired of the f l a s h b a c k s, from when I was a kid.
And Jeez, I'm tired, of hearing "I'm Sorry"
especially in my own voice.
I'd live without apologies.
If it were my own choice.
I'm just tired,
tired of you.
tired of being used.
tired of bleeding out.
tired of being bruised.
Just tired.
of laughing without being amused.
tired of fake smiles.
tired of traveling sixty miles for a second of your time.
tired of all these floating words that rhyme.

Do you ever feel too tired for sleep, or so it seems?
I think, I'm just tired of seeing you in all my dreams.

I might as well have fallen in love with the man in the moon.
He still wouldn't be as distant as you.
and He'll never show me his dark side.
Don't get me wrong, I fell in love with that part of you too.
But once you showed me your dark side the light in your eyes died.
and maybe I died a little inside too.
I'd have been better off falling in love with the man in the moon.
Like the wolf, I could cry to him all night.
Because I know he'll leave me once it's daylight.
Sound familiar?
Are you seeing things any clearer?
I'd rather have fallen in love with the man in the moon.
But I just can't, because he's not you.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I was hoping there was an alternative universe
where "I Love You" is good enough.
But I've already seen the entire solar system in the round bones of your spine.
the ride through space is tough, You and I could lay down and enjoy a glass of whine. You don't need to share feelings.
I'll just lay awake at night telling love stories to the ceilings.
wishing there was an alternative universe where promises had meaning.
And I'm leaning against the false hope that I could be an astronaut
and discover a loving alien who's everything you're not.
And we could live Happily on our own star.
Where I'd lay awake wishing he was less of what you aren't and more of what you are.
I love you for you and there's nothing that I'd change
I still love you with a smile, I still love you full of rage.
I thought, Maybe in an alternative universe
We could rehearse my dreams without a stage.
But this isn't a play.
there are galaxies  in your eyes
And there's nothing I can do or say
absolutely nothing, I just can't make you stay.
You really are a great actor, one of the great few
I mean there for a second, You had me believing you


© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

She thinks the leaves will change just for her, If for long enough she stares.
believes, She's in the Praying Mantis's constant prayers.
Thinks the sun doesn't really shine 'till she takes a look outside.
believes that fireflies only light up to impress her.
Somehow, she Believes all of this, And still thinks she's of the lesser.
She tells her secrets to the Trees and doesn't care how she looks.
tells her fears to the fish, as she frees them from their hooks.
And to the Praying Mantis, She tells her past,
hoping, it will pray for her future to take a smoother path.
Her Future.
It couldn't come any sooner.
But it's of it, she's terrified.
Confined, to the present time,
She's a prisoner of her own mind.
Scared, of the unknown.
Inside, She's still a little girl, But oh, how fast her body's grown.
She thinks Nature is the only thing on her side, And her enemy is time.
She's already sick of this roller coaster called life.
But hasn't lived near many enough days.
She says,
Praying Mantis, Should I close my eyes the wrest of the ride?
No answer, Yet silently he prays.


© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I'll tattoo ****** on your lips
That's what its like to kiss you.
the smell of death
lingers in my hair where your fingers ran
I don't understand.
why would you **** me with your empathy.
I know nobody cares for me.
the quieter it gets
the more voices I hear.
you had too many choices
And I think you made it clear.
I'm not what you wanted
I let you inside and you left my body haunted.
You taunted me with kisses.
You made me feel false love.
I know no one misses me.
I miss you though.
I'll just go, I'll leave you alone.
But I'll tattoo dead across my eye lids.
So they all know what you did.
I won't live for anyone but you.


© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I wrote you a text message
But I didn't hit send.
I started to call you
but instead
i hit end.
<3
Every time I didn't,
I almost did.
<3
all your hair pulled into the little knot on top your head caught my eye, no doubt.
Or maybe, it had something to do with the way your bottom lip pouts.
Or how, thanks to those thick glasses the oceans of your eyes are magnified.
God only knew there'd be a tsunami when you cried.
you always looked as if you were about to cry.
I hope there's a storm named after you.
I'll listen for your name on the weather, news and the radio.
Because I know I'll never see it flash across my phone.
<3
You never showed up that night.
Why'd you leave me alone?
I don't hate you.
Please, don't think that.
It just still hurts,
the way you
knocked me
off of my
throne
<3
I don't hate you, You were a great story.
But every book ends.
Try to believe me, I really do want to read it again and again.
But every library book has to be returned.
or there's a large fee and my pockets are burned.
you see the world is our library.
and I only borrowed your story.
I have to return you now back to your shelf.
for you to collect dust and reflect on yourself.
one day someone will show more love than I did when they turn your pages.
And they will release all your unpublished chapters from their cages.
all in different writing and editing stages.
and all written in braile because love is blind.
Our Story Is Overdue.
I can't pay the fine.
I have to
return
you.
</3

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

My mind is a canyon where your voice echoed.
I wish you belonged to me but I think that's what I like most.
That you're not meant to be owned.
And maybe it's wrong of me to wish for you on falling stars.
Maybe It's childish.
But it's so rare to meet someone who knows who they are.
and I don't care what anyone thinks they know.
they do not know you.
And I'm determined to show you I can be all that you need.
I want the best for you, wanting you for myself is simply out of greed
because I know you can do better.
and with every letter I write in each word in each line while you're on my mind is important.
my writing gets distorted at night but every A, B and C is hope
that you might take another look at me.
And maybe see something in me worth saving.
as of now my heart's been replaced with wooden shavings
And the tree that they came from is nothing but a stump
I get a lump in my throat just thinking of how I **** everything I love.
Because I give my whole heart.
And I love things to death.
So I shouldn't be surprised to see that they left.
But I almost always am.
And I don't know how to start the grief process.
when no one is as lost as I am.
I wish you would find me
I've stayed where you left me.
defiantly,
more shaken then I was before.
When you awaken with my scent in your empty bed,
Do you just sleep on the floor?
Do you even know me anymore?
are you torn between not knowing and not caring.
because I'm staring at the walls wishing there was a way to get to you, a way out of here.
it appears that I'm trapped. If these walls could talk they'd be full of crap because all they do is keep me from living.
and the life they're giving me isn't life it's just a safe way to survive.
Because a free spirit shouldn't be confined.
And I'm fed up,
with being fed and given water, shelter and love
like that should be more than enough.
but I love my parakeet.
i give it food and water so it should happily tweet.
But it's still a caged bird like me.
The only thing I truly need is to be free.
and freedom is hard to come by.
you're the only one who's showed me some.
and I don't want this thing to die.
my mind is a canyon where your voice echos
my eyes are canyons full of the tears I haven't let go.
My lungs are canyons full of smoke.
and my hollow laughs at life's sick jokes.
I'm a canyon, quite simply
I'm empty
empty
empty



© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

You committed, But couldn't give me a ring like God gave Saturn.
Instead you turned my heart into a Jackolantern.
emptied it until It was hollow.
Made "I love You" easier said than swallowed.
Turned on a light inside of me
to ignite the flame of a candle.
Love isn't a game you see, but It may be too much for you to handle.
Carve a self portrait with geometric shapes.
Lighten the day and open the drapes.
put my carved heart on the gray porch.
Starved of affection but lit up like a torch.
leave it there till' Halloween.
to scare the young and innocent
An abandoned heart truly is a scary thing.
Now i know your love wasn't given but lent.
You couldn't give me a ring like God gave Saturn.
Instead, you made my heart a Jackolantern.
instead of visiting a healthy pumpkin patch.
But that's what happens when you get attached.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I'm not good enough?
oh
My grades aren't good enough?
yeah, I know
I'm not skinny enough?
so?
I'm not busy enough?
well, that's tough
My friends are a bad influence?
Their parents say the same about me on coincidence.
My goals are set too high?
Then why should I try
I'm overly hyper?
sorry for having a good day.
I'm too quiet?
But, I was just letting you win
You don't approve?
But I'm In Love Him
His home is broken?
well, mine is chokin' me.
He doesn't believe?
Seriously, I can't breath
He's going nowhere like me?
And you think you're somewhere, oh please
I act like I don't even care?
I'm running out of air
You don't like what i wear?
Just, stand there and stare.
You're willing to do anything for me?
But, you're killing me, truthfully
It's the things I do, that you're just tired of tolerating?
oh, you mean how I'm suffocating?
But hey, good parenting.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

In America the legal age to be considered an adult is eighteen.
And were all so excited when were EIGHTEEN AT LAST
But, some of us were already grown ups.
Some of us grew up too fast.
When you're a kid
you should spend the night in your bedroom, your very own place.
When you're a kid
You shouldn't be afraid of who might come in to your room or invade your "personal space"
When you're a kid
You should have friends by the dozens
When you're a kid
You should spend the night at your friends house or your cousin's.
When you're a kid
You shouldn't spend the night at hospitals.
When you're a kid
You should't know anything about popping pills
When your'e a kid
you shouldn't be worried about paying the bills
When you're a kid
You should be spending the night on your roof under the starts.
When you're a kid
You shouldn't make your own scars
When you're a kid
you don't have to know who you are
When you're a kid
You should be a kid
When you're a kid
You shouldn't be spending the night on the street.
When you're a kid
You shouldn't get rides from any of the strangers you meet
When you're a kid
You should spend the night in a tent on a camping trip
When you're a kid
You shouldn't drink alcohol, not even a sip
When you're a kid
You shouldn't spend the night in jail
When you're a kid
You shouldn't need friends
just to pay your bail
When your a kid
You should spend the night somewhere safe
When you're an adult
you should raise
kids to be kids.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

A hole in the wall.
She wraps my fists.
No wonder, I fell for a girl with bandaged writs.
She tucks me in bed with her healing kiss.
She must get tired of living like this.
When daylight breaks, she wakes me up.
And pours fresh coffee in my favorite cup.
She's cleaned the blood from the bathroom stall.
But what will she do about the hole in the wall.
She drives me to anger management.
Where I'll tell them everything was an accident.
She's back again at Ten o'clock
without her car, holds my hand for the walk.
Apparently, I didn't want to talk.
She may have fixed the hole in the wall.
But what will she do with her broken jaw.
She looks around to see who saw.
It's just us
and no forgiveness left for her to withdraw.
She tucks me in bed with her sympathetic kiss.
She's finally done living like this.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I'm the song in the car
you have to turn up the volume to .  Because like some songs are meant to be played loud,
Some people are meant to be loved hard
Like a broken bottle's Glass shard  
broken pieces of my heart
puncture my soul
and rupture the parts of me
that are more soft grunge than rock n' roll.
and I no longer have control
of my feelings
so if you're  leaving,
take a little piece of me.
A lock of hair.
Tie it around your finger.
This isn't fair
For just a little while longer I'd love to linger.

When I think about the perfect man
It's someone with ambitions, someone with plans.
honestly, I look at his looks last.
I want someone who holds my heart when he's not holding my hand.
someone who listens even if they don't understand.
Someone who accepts me for who I am.
Someone I can T r u s t
who needs me for more than his lust.
someone with long and wavy hair
who hears peoples judgments and just doesn't care
someone with a solar system in the round bones of his spine.
With galaxies in his eyes and the stars shine brighter when he calls me "mine"
the feel of his unseen stubble prickling my cheek
is the one thing that could make me weak.
I want him tie-dyed on the inside.
who knows himself and has self pride.
someone who can admit when he's lied.
Because nobody's perfect but at least he'd have tried.
and if it doesn't work out at least we'd have tried.
because nothing is going to last forever
If it breathes, It's going to leave.
when you find him embrace every moment together.
and when he's gone.
And I search the sky but can't find the sun.
I'll come across a picture of him and remember our fun.
Then come to terms with the fact that what's done is done.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

At five, A prisoner of his own home.
At fifteen, A prisoner of his own mind.
At seventeen, imprisoned. Because the world's not always kind.
Born to be a prisoner.

"how sinister.
you know they don't have feelings."
give them nothing extracurricular.

Then we'll put them in a rubber room,
when they start talking to their ceilings.

Tell them, they can not touch their visitor.
Tell them, this will teach them to be a better listener.

Forced, to give them free food so you make it taste like vinegar.
make them feel worthless because they're a Criminal
A Prisoner.

"You may not touch your Visitor"
You may not hold your baby sister"

We'll give you cable and free meals.
Just not at your family table.
No one cares how the young man feels.
He's a criminal.
A prisoner.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I've decided to write to you.
It's a little too late after all that we've been through.
But I saw you the other day.
I left immediately. Didn't think I had anything left to say.
I ran in to you actually.
I know how you like everything stated factually.
well,
I'm still high from the smoke you breathed on me.
It's not the regular Buzz.
It feels more like I'm going to die.
Because, Because.. I don't know why.
All I know for sure is that lipstick shade of yours,
Looks more like blood has stained your lips.
Like you drank blood for breakfast in small, lady-like sips.
But you looked beautiful, like an actress who through away the scripts.
Oh My Stars, you were Gorgeous.
Even with your scars that always made you resemble a hot mess.
But not that night, In that skimpy, emerald dress.
You were Beautiful in a way that was dangerous.
And It hurts me now, That you couldn't love me less.
honestly, I'm sorry for mistaking you as a Maiden In Distress.
You didn't want a fairy tale.
You're the princess who denies the prince
and falls in love with the dragon who's meant to be slayed.
In the end , I guess I was the prince who just got played.
And you wound up with Dragon's breath.
which I guess, explains how inside of me, you started a flame.
But I was stupid and left, Now you have your dragon
and we'll never be the same.
I'm sorry this makes no sense, It's all over the place.
I have to write it before I'm sober.
I mean, since when are you a smoker?
With this high, every time I close my eyes I still see your glowing face.
I don't want this to be over.
I want to taste your ****** lips.
Maybe I'm not a prince
love me.
Baby, I'm an ogre

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I read a story about two lovers, one died in the others arms.
I can't even fathom.
But I imagine, It's something like when your heart broke while I held it in my hands.
No one Understands how I can compare the two.
But You're dead now, or at least a part of you.
Is six feet under the ground.
I listen to you talking
But the part of you i fell for never makes a sound.
Yet, people are offended I think I can relate to a story so tragic.
They just don't get it...we used to be magic.
no one understands, to me this is death.
Living without you, get's harder with each breath.
I know, you didn't mean any harm.
But this is the end.
And the saddest part is I didn't get to die in your arms.


© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

Isn't this what you wanted?  
for me to write about you?
But I had no sad stories to tell.
You never made me want to bleed.
there was not one suppressed feeling,
Or depressed thoughts needing to be freed.
well,  I don't know how to deal with what I'm dealing with.
Shoulda never planted that seed in your head,
That you might be happier with her instead.
The most selfless thing iv'e ever done.
But, I've never felt more helpless, Hon.
I've never   f e l t   like this.
But, these are the cards I've been dealt with.
No, they're just the cards I played.
God, what was I thinking, If I had begged you, you might have stayed.
But, Once you've laid your cards down, you can't change your mind.
Like once you messaged her, there was no way to rewind.
I'd do it all different, If I could do it all again.
I want to tell you why you're significant, But don't know where to begin.
Maybe, that I'm writing this a little before
4 A.M.  
And I won't be getting sleep.
I'm not trying to condemn you, that's not your fault.
I could be counting sheep.
But I know laying in that bed will only make me weep.
I'm too regretful to be tired.
Wish I was forgetful.
But in my Heart, Body and Mind..You're still desired.
I'm sorry you thought I was pushing you.
But your words were crushing me.
I hope you two aren't rushing into things.
I still want you to be with me.
And it's much harder letting go, when I can still hear you saying "no".
But our love is a stretched rubber band.
I'm holding one end, and the other's in your hand.
If one lets go before the other, one of us will get hurt.
I can get hurt, that doesn't bother me.
But, we can both let go at the same time, and no one gets hurt, you see?
I'm sorry if you felt pushed.
I thought it would feel better than  trapped.

the point is, I'm just afraid..that our rubber band has snapped.

© copyrighted *Nicole Ann Osborn

she wasn't much, I barely noticed her.
She almost never talked, but was more of a listener.
she wasn't a head turner but was instead silently beautiful.
She was always pleasant and saw the glass as being half full.
She had eerie long eye lashes like spider webs.
And looked through them with half closed eyelids.
Oh, her sky blue powdered eyelids.
I wonder what she saw behind them.
Because, I know it was more then darkness.
Everything about her excreted light.
I always thought she was harmless.
She was a peacemaker, the first to back out of every fight.
But when you fall in love with her she doesn't provide a harness.
You'll fall hard, but she'll tell you everything will be alright.
And before she left me, I'd never seen a starless night.
She was no one to me, turns out what matters is who you think you are.
I guess in her own mind she knew she was my star.
And I should have known because everything about her excreted light.
She said were as free as birds.
But now I know where as free as Kites.
there's always stings attached.
I realize we weren't the ideal match.
But I hardly knew she was there.
Truthfully, she was the only one I found who even cared.
So I kept her around like a pet..
and so it went,
I never thought she was important.
My view of her was distorted.
She was just the scent in my bed sheets
And the lipstick stain on my cigarettes.
on my dashboard there are footprints.
And i thought 'that's all she is.'
but she was so much more.
she wasn't much..but she was my star.
we all are, stars.
Made of the same matter, both made of the same dust.
I thought we were nothing, i called this lust.
she wasn't as harmless as i thought.
I called her my safety net but I was just another fish in the sea who got caught. Maybe it wasn't lust.
I think
I love her
I think I love her a lot.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

When I met you, you were wearing piggy tales and fairy wings.
outside with a magnifying glass held over a beetle you poked and prodded with your mothers sewing needle.
Trying to direct the sunlight through the glass.
you were so witty, clever and full of sass
I asked what you were doing and you said.
"I'm being a fairy. and making fireflies out of these boring black bugs that are nothing out of the ordinary."
You jumped back when the bug caught fire.
I'm not really sure which one of us jumped higher.
Your eyes were wide as the flame quickly died.
As did the bug.
I started to whimper like the cry baby I was.
You just stood up and gave me a hug.
You said
"It's alright, he's a firefly now. He'll be shining bright, flying around by night."
Like a fool, I believed your story.
After all, you were just a little girl.
And I a little boy.
What happened to you?
I miss your piggy tales
and your fairy wings.
I miss your chubby chipmunk cheeks.
now they're rosy and defined.
You tell me all the guys want you and I should consider myself lucky to call you mine.
What happened to you?
You used to collect rocks. Arranged them by which made the best chalk.
I helped you test them on the sidewalk.
We drew each other because you never liked hop scotch.
And you got mad when I drew you as black.
"What are you doing? I don't look like that"
you handed me a white rock and took away the piece of charcoal we got  from your grill.
"You may not see me like this now"
you said.
"But one day you will."
So I tried,
I tried with all my might but it was hard to draw you white.
You didn't act like them and I think you knew
What happened to you?
Remember the summer your skin tanned darker then my mom's?
You said it was the first time you felt like you belonged.
What happened to you?
But you said you didn't care about ethnicity.
You were part Rock and part Roll.
You told me so every time you turned the **** on the radio that made my ear drums blast.
You hummed along, driving to fast.
What happened to that?
once you found a mushroom and you popped it  revealing powder inside.
wide eyed, you popped one on me.
"Fairy Dust" you said happily.
and popped one on yourself.
"Let's be like this forever.
Lets never get old.
I wish I'd have agreed
I wish I hadn't been so cold.
What happened to you?
Yesterday, I saw you with another man
I guess you do it cuz you can.
It was a shock because I thought we were doing alright.
But he had big bucks, a nice car, and his skin was white.
I got out of my car and stepped into sight.
You said something to your new guy and walked towards me.
I tried not to cry.
I knew you wouldn't hug me this time.
Or tell me it's alright.
instead you said.
"You and I've tried everything. I'ts time I give you back your ring.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I'm sorry I don't feel the love.
I'm sorry we couldn't make this work.
I'm sorry our kissing lost it's fireworks.
I'm sorry my eyes lost there spark.
I'm sorry that my skin's not dark.
I'm sorry for how I've made you feel
And I'm sorry Fairy Dust isn't  real.
But I'm not sorry if i lead you on.
Because you knew one day that I'd be gone."

What happened to us?
we should have never grown up.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I looked you in the eye and saw you as a lump of clay.
I took it all in with a sigh; you dwindled to a fray.
I'll put you on my potters wheel until your head spins.
and you're nacius.
I'll toss this clay till it's centered and you'll wonder what kind of fiasco you entered. I'll mold you and form you till I have you how I want you.
But that's not you.
I'm not the potter, I am not God.
I'm only a daughter.
Perhaps i entered a land I wasn't meant to trod.
I shouldn't try to rearrange you. Only God can change you.
So how do I reverse this curse i've put over you.
and when this is over will I still know you?
I'll smash you before I take you off my potters wheel so you can restart.
I don't know how to feel since you've reformed my heart.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

They say each cigarette takes eleven minutes off your life.
But Heaven know's that that's alright.
What can you do in eleven minutes anyway?
I lived through a lifetime of your abuse and you still didn't stay.
There's a lot that could be done in eleven minutes, one may say.
and I have to agree. It took less than eleven minutes for you to destroy me.
less than eleven minutes to say a prayer, to take a picture, to sit and stare.
But it takes less than eleven minutes to get high to be humiliated to frustratedly try not to cry. for your truths to be spilled, to swallow too many pills, it takes less than eleven minutes to be killed.
and maybe I'm happy to rid or eleven minutes more.
you have a door **** for a heart and your love's a trap door.
You said I "felt like home"
so I know why you ran away.
at least for me "home" isn't a place you'd want to stay.
And if i'm left with only eleven minutes more perhaps I have regrets.
But If my lungs are filled with smoke
I can't feel your essence in my breath.
I'll just keep my fingers crossed you have no presence in my death.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

With you I'm a little careless
Without actually having to 'care less'  
Because I've never cared more
About anyone, or anything.

Take me under your wing.
I want to be cared for
But by you, and only you.
I won't make you make up for
Past lack of care.
I can't ask that of you.
It wouldn't be fair.
All that matters is,
I know you'll always be there  
And I've never had a security blanket like that.
My quilts have always been built with

"good intentions"
The same thing by which the road to Hell is paved.
I never thought I'd have a hero.
Never thought id ever be saved.
So thank you.
And thank God for sending you my way
Now let me tie you to an anchor
Just to make sure you stay.

No one wants to see their Daddy with a needle in his arm.
He's supposed to be her hero.
She's supposed to be his good luck charm.
Because of her he's not supposed to want to cause himself harm.
But that's just not how addiction works.
Don't take it so hard.
pill bottle's became his baby.
because baby girl don't **** the pain like the pain killer's do.
yet he still tell's her
"Baby girl, your Daddy loves you."
so that's what love is.
in her pretty head.
so she fell in love with men that loved drugs instead.
they abused drugs
and they abused her.
tell me why hugs feel so much nicer from an abuser.
we don't want to be like our parents.
but thanks to genes and chromosomes,
were our parents to our bones.
once a tiny baby skeleton.
A bun in the oven of my mum.
a tiny being with no voice.
here only by my mothers choice.
she would walk down the baby aisle and  smile.
falling in love with everything she'd find.
She really truly wanted me.
It only took eight years to change her mind.
I no longer recognize the face in the mirror.
My little heart's full of fear.
anticipating the day you no longer want me here.
If Repeating History
is all this life is.
I'd rather be dead than relive how I've lived.
The more poetic you become,
the less they listen like before,
they hear suicide threats as metaphors
the girl who wrote poems and the boy who cried wolf are one in the same.
when will they learn this isn't a game.

Momma may have called her a bad influence.
But, aren't you still on Daddy's insurance plan?
C'mon step up, and be a Man.
Go out to dinner with the dangerous girl blowing smoke rings.
She's the same as you, were all sinners.
You never know she could be hiding angel wings
under all that thick Blue hair.
She's sort of like a car crash
you can't really help but stare.
What if she's an Angel and God sent her to you as a test.
to see if you'd give his beloved angel your best.
But you were to busy worrying about what
Mom would think and Dad would say
And how She might effect your grades.
But..What if you failed the most important test one day?

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I was warned of the drugs slipped in drinks, but never of the ones that smile and wink, that tell me sweet lies to make me think I may not die lonely.
If only it had been a drug from a bottle.
I was told to take things s l o w instead I went full throttle.
I knew I would wreck this.
I swallowed a new pill down with my breakfast.
It's not as good as the last, but I couldn't find a single trace of you in the wreckage.
I know you're my past. And I have to look forward.
I'm just unsure what I'm headed towards.
And I'll confess that I'm scared.
The moments we shared together were the only ones I didn't fear.
But no more lie ahead, you've made that quite clear.
I just don't understand why I'm still here.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

There was a little, stuffed, ratted lamb
I used to carry around.
they found it in my closet hidden away.
What they don't know
Is that's where I used to stay.
Hidden and safe
From the war outside,
Forbidden to come out; I promised I wouldn't, But I lied.
Certain things you can't unsee
But I didn't take the ratted lamb with me.
I left it hidden away like I should have been.
Instead, I instilled a fear of men in my head.
that was the first night I didn't bring my little lamb to bed.
The old ratted thing was all I could protect.
Sure her little life wasn't perfect, always hidden out of sight.
clothes pins on her ears so she didn't hear the fights.
But I did my best to give her all I could.
Taking care of her the way I knew I should have been given care.
I became a Mom to the ratted lamb, because my Mom wasn't there.
She never once closed my ears with clothes pins.
I'd forgive her if she did.
But what's unforgivable, is that she didn't like how I hid.
I guess she wanted me to live in reality and not to be sheltered.
But I sweltered in the heat of truth.
so my little lamb I sheltered, my little lamb I soothed.
I still have the ratted thing, we sit side by side.
But now neither one of us has to hide.
Except for from time to time
When I hide from the memories
That brew
Inside.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

Go ahead, have a good laugh. You think you understand but you've never seen the poems I have saved as drafts.
you think you know something special by reading these lines.
But you can't take away what's rightfully mine.
You think that you can feel my pain.
you wet fool, you didn't even
feel the rain.
© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I'll play my guitar 'till my fingers bleed.
If it matters to you, If that's what you need.
****** finger tips
I'm getting stronger,
But I'd still do anything to make your love linger longer.
I'd catch a falling star
for you to wish upon
watch it burn in my palm
And be proud of the scar.
I'll watch it burn yet stay calm.
as long as i'm your wish.
I guess I'll add this poem to the things I'll never finish.
It saddens me, I don't know if I'll have this chance again.
But I can no longer grip the pen.
my palms are burnt raw,
but my frozen heart wont thaw.
blood drips
from my finger tips.
so hold my hand, just kiss my lips.


© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

"oh my God, I had An awesome day, my boyfriend is so wonderful, and so sappy.
Don't worry, I'll find someone for you.
It's your turn to be
happy"*


Well, I'm glad your day inspired awe,
And that your boyfriend is so full of wonder.
But, don't speak like I'm below you.
It's not you I'm under.
What will you do on your life's brightest day?
what words will you have left to say,
When you already wasted
"Wonderful"
on some sappy boy you hardly know. And
Awesome
On this ****** day.
Then, had the audacity to say it's my turn to be happy.
Like I drew the "skip a turn" card one too many times.
Like this is monopoly.
But, Love's not a Game.
And Happy Isn't a name.
There's not Boy or Girl named Happy, ready to show me something new.
I don't know, maybe this is news to you.
But I'm happy all alone.
Maybe even happier on my own.
Happy has no face, It's not a name or thing or place.
I'ts a word.
not a name, Just a word.
with definition.
yeah , That's the situation. There's power in the things you say,
anyway, Sorry if I ruined your "Awesome" day.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

The best love story is the one between the chain smoker and the asthmatic.
For if he hadn't changed for her, She'd have died for him.
Their Love ran through their veins.
So they saw past each others skin.
And it was seemingly fantastic
the love story
between the Chain Smoker and the Asthmatic.
She was perfect in his hazy eyes
And She Loved Him like crazy.
This left them only partially sane.
As their burning love ran through their veins.
He loved her to Death.
And so she loved him back to life
Their Love still flowed through their veins even after they used a knife.
All they bled was their blood.
And soon were both embalmed with only Love.
They killed each other softly but died swiftly
One went Below
And one above.
Not one smoke or earthly temptation.
Not even Death's dreadful separation
Could **** their undying love.


© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn

I used to babble to you about every fear and insecurity.
You used to remind me to "just breathe"
And now, I've been holding my breath for far too long.
Lungs can only be so strong.
What's funny is I used to be used to being alone.
I used to be able to breathe on my own.
But you became a sort of personal ventilator.
It feels as if I'm riding an escalator that only goes down.
And I don't know how I'll make it without you around.
I became dependent on you.
And as descendants of not so great relatives.
You're my only family who dwells in a corner of my heart.
You Calling me family was a start but I can think of many things thicker than blood.
Like the thick sound of heartbreak when you fall to your knees with a thud. Or the thickness of the air that's filled my lungs since
You told me you didn't love me. don't you get how badly that stung?
Now do you understand the reasoning behind how tightly I clung?
I'm so tired of being alone. All that I want is just to go home but  home was in your arms and it's winter and I'm afraid you would no longer keep me warm.
Stop saying you love me, Your "love's" in the wrong form.

© copyrighted Nicole Ann Osborn