My thoughts are grim and dark,
Of that terrored night in the park.
I can't help but cringe as I,
Remember the night I tried to die.

At the lowest of my power,
That the night of my darkest hour.
I momentarily escaped my soul,
Abandoned myself, lost control.

An hour spent at dead sprint,
The clouds finally catching the hint.
Thunderous drops beating the path,
Synced in tune to my crimson wrath.

The lightning seemed to illuminate,
All of my branching, shadowy hate.
Fury seething in blue-eyed shrouds,
Matched the roiling, blackened clouds.

I felt the burning in my legs prevail,
Collapsing off the lakeside trail.
Headlong into a chilly black,
A liquid greed began it's attack.

Sodden clothes pulling down,
Soaked jacket just begging to drown.
A thousand bubbles struggle to rise,
Mind considering this odd demise.

To never feel her pain again,
To abandon the temptation of sin,
To leave this wretched world behind,
To finally meet others of my kind.

These thoughts flashing in my brain,
Convincing to never breath again.
So beautiful was the lightning above,
A more perfect grave I could think not of.

With peaceful mind and closed eye,
My angel watched the old me die.
He stood there looking down with love,
Praying for intercession from above.

Hitting bottom, something changed.
Tortured soul no longer deranged.
I remembered the beauty in her face,
That I came from a happy place.

The lightning above now inspiration,
To abandon this weak, watery temptation.
Through twelve feet I struggled to rise,
The angel answering my new cries.

An eternity spent without breath,
Blacking out on the verge of death,
Finally floundering to the blessed air,
Limbs trembling, but without despair.

I somehow pulled myself up to the path,
That two minutes ago felt my wrath.
Now felt nothing but loathing disgust,
Having broken my own sacred trust.

Struggling on to hard park bench,
The storm could do no more to drench,
No fury was left in a single bone,
I was finally ready to atone.

I could never again lose control,
Never let anger blind my soul.
No more to fight, time to remake,
Reborn within a parkside lake.

Returning soaked at four in the morning,
My parents gave a concerned warning,
The hazards of being out in a storm.
Then brought some coffee to keep me warm.

Ask me now and I will write,
A poem for you to read tonight.
I will fill it with meter and rhyme,
Bursting out of every line.
Packed with emotion, joy or strife,
Or just a description of everyday life.
If you ask for me to uplift,
I may struggle to make that shift.
But this poem is just for you,
If it is happy, I'm happy too.
Writing of daisies, or lateness of hour,
The love in a smile, or summer shower,
I won't falter, I won't stall,
It doesn't matter, I'll write them all!
Maybe you'll like it, maybe not,
Just a few letters and dots.
Mind you, all picked with care,
But if you don't, I won't despair.
Always another to be written,
Another rhyme still yet hidden.
So ask me now, and I will write,
With my minimal mental might.
Ask for love or ask for truth,
Ask for God or joys of youth.
It doesn't matter if I'm up till two,
I'm writing this poem, just for you.

It's nights like tonight,
When I can't close my eyes,
That I walk outside,
And admire these skies.

I offer my prayer,
Aloft to the Lord.
Asking Him gently,
If He might afford.

The luxury of knowing,
The path I should take.
So I might be confident,
In not making a mistake.

Rarely do I wonder,
If my prayer is heard.
For it is my belief,
That disbelief is absurd.

Yet I can't help but doubt,
That the answer will be,
In a way I understand,
Or can even be seen.

So I look into oblivion,
This black infinity,
And I wonder and whisper:
What's the point of me?

Am I but a pawn,
In some giant game?
Is there a point to being,
Or was I born insane?

Does anything matter,
Anything at all?
Or is this just natural,
Men rise and men fall?

I feel there must be more,
Something waiting at the end.
Something calling out,
Begging me to transcend.

To see through the lies,
To find the deeper truth.
To answer the unanswerable,
And rise above my youth.

There must be something more,
Anything to give meaning.
I'll accept an honest lie,
If I could sleep this evening.

Is this normal,
To be so filled with doubt?
So conflicted and saddened,
Within and without?

These the questions,
I ask those billion lights,
On these lonely and cold,
Long sleepless nights.

Some nights I find,
My answer in the stars.
When it finally hits me:
That's all they are.

Nothing special at all,
Scientific anomalies.
Not made for wishing,
No source of fantasy.

Simply there and no more,
A billion all spread thin.
The infinite emptiness,
Crawls beneath my skin.

I have my answers,
Though not to my prayer.
But I am no wise man,
No ancient sooth-sayer.

I am but another man,
Mortal and moral.
Singular and without,
Only part of a plural.

I am without purpose,
No belief in the world.
I stand on the precipice,
My flag fallen unfurled.

My weakness is that I live,
For myself, just me.
It was the only way I had,
Of setting myself free.

Yet now, on these nights,
Under heavenly contemplation,
I regret my selfish ways,
And my human resignation.

If I am to be denied,
A higher understanding,
I then need a purpose,
To inspire commanding.

I need a focus,
A plural catalyst,
Anything to give meaning,
To why I exist.

Something to live for,
Some reason to hope.
Something to die for,
To narrow my scope.

And that is what happens,
Under these lonely skies.
On nights like tonight,
When I can't close my eyes.



This is how I feel. All the time.

2/16/2013

I told myself I would wait for you. I said that I could be strong. I never made my commitment known, and that is where I went wrong.

Perhaps if I had only told you. If only I had quickly thought. Then maybe we could have tried, so hard, and given this a shot.

But now I feel you truly gone. Without you my feelings numb. I lie awake, you on my mind, and beg for sleep to come.

You have altered my entire life. I want no other, its true. When I kiss another girl, I can only think of you.

Perhaps you feel the same as me. Do you think of me each day? What if we think of each other, when in our beds we lay.

Maybe we both struggle at night. Ashamed, we try to move on. Thinking the other is long, long gone.

You see me with other girls. I see you with other guys. I still love you, don't give up, don't believe my lies!

Still, there is little I can do. In our favor, fortune is not. I'm struggling to accept that I will never get what I have sought.

So I'll keep going out with girls that can't compare. I'll close my eyes and kiss them well, try to love them true. But in my heart I'll know, I will always love you.

One by one they fall asleep,
While I am stuck in thoughts so deep.
The messages begin to slow,
As my phone loses its glow.

My friends slip off to their dreams,
To rest in peace, or so it seems.
Some bid me cheery good night,
Others still, just turn off the light.

Some leave with a winking face,
Others put little hearts in place.
A few actually call to say,
They had a nice time today.

But the best of them do not.
Just fall asleep, me in thought.
In return, they are on my mind,
As I lay awake, left behind.

They will rise with the sun,
And find a message, or more than one.
A continuation of the night before,
Or thoughts that I could hold no more.

They respond with their dream,
By now this is all routine.
With more of the night before,
Or with the words I so adore.

In turn, hours later, I awake.
Message waiting, prepared to make,
My morning instantly brighter,
And my sodden spirit so much lighter.

The best good nights don't occur,
Those the wishes I prefer.
They fall asleep with phone in hand,
Drifting off to Never Land.

2/22/2013

I live a poetic life,
Full of joy, full of strife.
My years are all metered time,
My days somehow seem to rhyme.

My thoughts are stanzas of four lines,
My speech is full of abstract signs.
I hear words as though color,
Music fuels me like no other.

The steady rhythm of my feet,
Sometimes loses iambic beat.
My dances fluid like silver truth,
Cheeky remarks prove my youth.

My sins are masked hyperbole,
Smudged perfection, italic gray.
My faults revealed as similes,
Numerous as the fallen leaves.

My food tastes of deeper meaning,
Drink like conclusions redeeming.
Adverbs are like catching the flu,
Adjectives sadly set me askew.

Trying to live a verse on love,
Reading a book on what's above.
A letter, a line, that's just me,
Because I live a life of poetry.

This is the last I'll write to you.
It's all I seem to ever do.
I punch these keys and whisper lines,
But I am done. I resign.

It's too bad this had to end.
Be careful now, I don't pretend.
I know it's hard to take me serious,
You listen as though I'm delirious.

But right now I'm just furious,
If this is it, then I must.
I'll cut ties, I'm not bluffing.
I'm so ******, it was all for nothing.

What can I say but "wow?"
I finally figured out just how,
You like to think of me.
This is it, setting me free.

If you ever wish to reciprocate,
It might just be a bit too late.
You had your chance but blew it.
You were a failure before I knew it.

I'm done with the petty game.
I finally learned... We aren't the same.
Finally now, it is time.
If you want a piece, get back in line.

So this, my cordial friend,
My beautiful failure, is the end.
So read these words, know them true:
This is the last I'll write to you.

Would you follow me into the dark,
Prepared to trust as we embark?
Can you leave your past behind,
And keep an open mind?

Follow me down a new path,
Just so I can make you laugh?
I want to see you smile,
No matter if it takes a while.

I'll be patient, I'll be kind.
Someone like you is hard to find.
I can't say I'll never make,
But I promise I'll never be a mistake.

So will you let me set you free,
To be the perfection you can be?
I want to make dreams come true,
As long as those dreams belong to you.

It's nights like tonight,
When I don't know what to do.
My brain is all jumbled,
With the many thoughts of you.

There lies a question,
And an answer untold.
Either sadness and pain,
Or joy will unfold.

The problem is thus:
It's so right but it's wrong.
It's not what I've hoped,
But desired so long.

She's unlike any other,
Truly among the best.
I can think of nothing,
But her head on my chest.

A mind like an ocean,
Rich and full as the sea.
Her heart like the night sky,
As beautiful as can be.

Words flow from her lips,
Like silken dew drops.
Each something amazing,
With each, my heart stops.

Her eyes are like embers,
With cool, steady flame.
They stand or invite,
With no hint of shame.

Her hair drops like honey,
A gentle flow and cascade.
Not pure or flashy,
None better was made.

Her lips as heavenly,
As the petals of rose.
Of the color and texture,
Where so much of it shows.

Her body is soft,
Like snow in the morning.
So perfect and subtle,
It needs no adorning.

Her style is gentle,
The most perfect blend.
Not shabby nor excessive,
Without need to amend.

She is sublime.
There is no other word.
I can think of no other,
Dictionary proffered.

She is original,
Her own one of a kind.
She is amazing,
Something rare to find.

Finally, she is captivating,
So entrancing to me.
Wherever she is,
That's where I want to be.

But most, above it all,
She is my torturous pain.
The reason I'll be disappointed,
Time and time again.

She can't be what I want,
She just can't reciprocate.
There is nothing I can change,
This is the terrible fate.

I'm destined to love,
Someone who can't be mine.
Fatefully ******,
Can't get her off my mind.

2013/3/18

*This is part of a conversation between me and a girl. We both write poems back and forth to each other. This poem is in response to her asking if I was telling her how I felt about her "between the lines."


The language found between lines,
Is purposely caged within confines.
The tumult found within the head,
Leaves the best left unsaid.

Does it even matter that we see,
The words hidden in each degree?
What good would come if then,
We listened to the words within?

Maybe the best is better left,
Between the lines, thought bereft.
If you wanted to, you could express,
Those three words within your chest.

But how could I come to believe,
That I was not being deceived?
All the evidence poured out over months,
Has left me unsure of all the wants.

Maybe freedom of heart is close,
Maybe it is what I want most.
Even now, as I lie in bed,
I wonder at those, words left unsaid.

If you can decipher such curious rhymes,
And even still read between the lines,
Then you should understand my quandry.
And understand why I don't know if I'm free.

Because sometimes, no matter the rhyme,
There is nothing you can do this time.
Nothing will erase the past,
For me, acceptance will only come last.

If you can't imagine why I hold back,
Then perhaps take a small track.
Imagine it from my point of thought,
And maybe then you'll see why not.

If others read this, they would know me insane.
If they read ours, they would know pain.
If they read yours, they might not see your best,
But what they should see, you're a beautiful mess.

Again, for C

All you want,
Is one last kiss.
But it's a bad idea,
You must resist.

Because that kiss,
Will become something more.
It will start slowly,
Shuffling to the door.

That kiss turns hot,
With heavy breathing.
This is your last chance,
The heat is deceiving.

Your hands wander,
To familiar places.
How did this happen?
You were ending graces...

Suddenly you're downstairs,
At her door.
It slams shut behind,
Shirts hit the floor.

What are you doing?
Get it together man.
I told you to resist,
You should have ran.

The pants shimmy off,
Her back hits the bed.
What are you thinking?
Using the wrong head...

I love you baby,
Whisper one last crime.
Everything is off,
You swear the last time.

Now the bed is rocking,
And the memories flood in.
You remember the first time,
How it all begins.

It feels so good,
That you forget to think.
Yet you don't realize,
You've gone off the brink.

Lying beside her,
Now your brain kickstarts.
What have you done...
Destroying hearts.

It was one last kiss,
That is what you swore.
You had no idea,
It would become something more.

Congratulations sir,
You're a royal *****.
Now get out of bed,
Put some clothes on.

3/22/14

Heavy on my heart,
Always on my mind.
Forever we must part,
I must leave you behind.

I won't survive more,
I've really got to go.
I'm walking out the door,
Feet don't be slow.

I'll do what I must,
To rip you from my skull.
I'll blame it on lust,
The love far too dull.

I make up lies,
And throw up the walls.
I'll forget your sighs,
That echoed down this hall.

I'm burning every photo,
Trashing every letter.
Forcing to let go,
I've got to get better.

I'm breaking the locket,
The one you gave for Christmas.
I'll hate the way I loved it,
And swear I'll never miss this.

I'm filling my filthy head,
With all unpleasant thoughts.
Abandoning my bed,
And all our pleasant spots.

I'll never ever go,
To the places I took you.
I'll never ever show,
I'll never let you through.

I'm blocking your number,
Deleted from my phone.
I swear I'll always slumber,
And never miss your tone.

I'm forgetting your scent,
When you slept next to me.
Leaving every moment spent,
Now thinking that I'm free.

I'll forget your taste,
And lie about your passion.
I'm doing this with haste,
Sinister in fashion.

I'll call you a failure,
Lie to all my friends.
Saying that I hate her,
And I'm so glad it ends.

If I ever see you,
In passing on the street,
I'll be without a clue,
As if we didn't meet.

My final big confession,
The only one that's true:
I've learned my lesson,
I've been corrupted by you.

I fell in love not thinking,
But knowing you toxic.
Your love and scheming,
Now leave me sick.

You are gone forever,
I've thrown you away.
I knew this would never,
End any another way.

For C

The screams and roars call me to war,
Demand my presence to settle the score.
They need my light to lead the fight,
A pinnacle of the saving might.

These men, they die, as they cry,
Requesting that their spirits fly.
For they sin, time and again,
Fighting a fight only I can win.

The enemy has them on their knees,
Promising lies and pleasures to please.
A sorry some abandon me. Succumb,
To temptation, their lives undone.

If they followed me they would see,
I can make them the best they can be.
My love will shower down from above,
Turning crows to purest doves.

Their calls drive me to end their fall,
I can't say no, I love them all.
The Father sent me to set them free,
To lead to heaven, for love of thee.

Though nails bind and ****** hails,
I am the love that never fails.
Forgive the true, knowing not what they do.
My last breath is expended for you.

4/15/2013

It's been such a long time,
Since I held your hand in mine.
So many years have passed,
Since that night in the grass.

I remember it so clearly,
And I hold on to it dearly.
The beginning of the end,
The source of my heart to rend.

The silence of night remained unbroken,
As you handed me a token,
Something to remember you by,
As though you knew we had to fly.

The moon shone but just a sliver,
And though warm, I felt a shiver.
As our bare feet crossed the dirt,
To the beat of mother earth.

Beneath the stars our resting place,
Where we gazed up into space.
Where I whispered it for the first time,
Those few words to make you mine.

And in that instant my world changed,
When you whispered words the same.
My hand found yours and then our lips,
My heart and soul both doing flips.

I couldn't believe this was reality,
It seemed as though some fantasy.
Something like one of those dreams,
Where the details begin to burst through the seams.

But no, this could be no dream,
This was you and this was me.
The consumation of such a love,
The kind that only stories tell of.

For hours there we were happy,
Alone in the field as we could be.
Your head on my heart, the steady drum,
And I listened to yours, the timid one.

The gentle breeze caressed your scent,
As the clear skies denied a tent.
The thick fescue was soft as down,
Your jean shorts made the best night gown.

You fell asleep fingers in mine,
And I lay awake for the longest time.
Peaceful bliss, no doubts did spoil,
As I rested my head upon the soil.

It was the first, but not the last,
By far the best we spent in that grass.
I'll never forget, nor do I want to,
Because that is the night I knew that I loved you.

Now it has been such a long time,
Since I held your hand in mine.
I struggle to recall how your fingers felt,
And to remember how my heart would melt.

But now we smile when we pass by,
I know you remember it, under the sky.
Your friend told me you talk in your sleep,
Sometimes revealing a subconscious so deep.

She said your eyes, they filled with tears,
As you were attacked by regrets and fears.
Your whispered callings, revealing my name,
The sad teary silence, when I never came.

She said my picture is under your pillow,
It's the one of us both, under the willows.
What I couldn't say, I have it too,
Beside my bed, reminding of you.

I couldn't tell her, I wake up in a sweat,
Heaving and cold, with dreams of regret.
Couldn't say how my thoughts are ridden,
And my lonesomeness is all but hidden.

I know it was hard, believe me, I do.
For years now I've thought this through.
The plan we made, it was all I had,
Sometimes it kept me from going mad.

Four years seemed as though forever,
But not so long if it would bring us together.
I worked so hard, so many sacrifices,
Did everything possible with human devices.

Now the years have finally passed,
And so it seems, has the contrast.
Murphy's law has kept as apart,
Distance forever the bane of our hearts.

I just want you to know, I'll be where I promised.
I made the grades, I made the "A" list.
You did too, but circumstance kills,
You'll be in the flats while I'm in the hills.

You were right to hand me that token,
It hangs on my neck, still unbroken.
I have no plans to remove it soon,
I'll be wearing it when I fly to the moon.

I'll never forget you, and I hope you not I,
But I wish your dreams wouldn't make you cry.
So smile for me, though years have passed,
Tell me you remember that night in the grass.

Have no regrets, don't wish it away,
That it never happened, I'll never say.
I won't forget it, nor do I want to,
That is the night I knew that I loved you.

Gone now is the reason for change,
The one who set me right.
Gone my idol of all the age,
A former promise in my life.

She was the one that kept me chaste,
That always held me back.
She protected me when lost in haste,
To follow the narrow track.

I've come so close to deviation,
But never did I forget.
Her innocence defied temptation,
Always saving me from regret.

When the situation called for more,
I've always had the will.
But now I don't know what I'm waiting for.
And there are so many thrills.

The one I waited for is truly gone,
And so too all the reasons.
Departed hope of the perfect dawn,
And the changing of the season.

What chance to take weighs heavy now,
The fun or fairytale?
Should I work to retain this vow,
For one who's promise failed?

Is there but sufficient doubt,
To retain the straight and narrow?
Shall I cease to go without,
Or to go down with this arrow?

My misconceptions of romance,
Have tainted my little hopes.
The image of my life's innocence,
Dies while love does choke.

A reason is all I'm searching for,
Anything to keep me here.
I'm not sure just how many more,
Before passion draws too near.

It's true, my faith is all but gone,
My hope is finally dead.
I need to create artificial dawn,
Discover what I believe instead.

4/28/2013

I'm laying here remembering,
All the things I wanted to do.
And the realization is hitting me,
That those things weren't meant for you.

But still a part of me has those desires,
Those things on my bucket list.
The list of romance before I die,
The one I started after my first kiss.

Simple things like hide and seek,
Playing in the rain at the end of a week.
Or walking through the florists rows,
Stopping to smell every lily and rose.

To sit together in the mall,
Just watching the people, no words at all.
To go to the skate park across town,
Laugh about it when we fall down.

Don't come home till four a.m.
Parents worried, but reassured then.
Smile and nod to admonishment,
But never sorry for such a night spent.

Walks through the park with no reason,
Enjoying the life and leaves of the season.
Play with puppies like they were our own,
To pull you away with a smile and groan.

To wander on through the fair,
Loving everything without a care.
I throw the darts to pop balloons,
And win you a bear like some cartoon.

The late night Skype calls when we part,
Imagining the beating of your heart.
To bring you flowers because I can,
Grin at your suspicions of my plan.

To take you places to see random things,
And to kiss you softly above the springs.
Take you fishing just to watch you tire,
So that we can laze around by the fire.

The arrival of the storm and thunder,
Brings us out to enjoy the wonder.
Under blankets in the back of my truck,
Trying to see where the lightning struck.

And to the lake all summer long,
Singing our newest and favorite song.
The sun gives way to starry skies,
That bring us together like twisty ties.

To show you the loft up in the barn,
Then take a walk around the farm.
When dusk sets we find the hay,
Then watch the stars move as we lay.

These just a few on my fated list,
So many things I cannot describe.
I don't know that I like it now,
So unfulfilled inside.

I really doubt that I will complete,
All but a few of the above.
They all require one improbable thing:
Someone with which to love.

All my friends,
They're so **** depressed.
And I don't know why,
But it hurts in my chest.

They seem all to have lost,
The lively life that I admired.
They're never in that kind of mood,
The jokes that I so desired.

It seems as though their skies are grey,
While mine are blue and bright.
I smile and laugh and joke and sing,
But they frown in eternal night.

I miss the times when they would laugh,
And love life just as I do.
When their smile could brighten my day,
If I ever struggled through.

But now I seem to be surrounded,
By pessimistic depression.
Sometimes it seems that long ago,
We decided on a different direction.

At times I find it pulling me down,
This constant moody setting.
Sometimes I feel myself too drown,
Trapped within their netting.

I thought I knew their pain and sorrow,
But it seems now that is false.
I thought I'd been there, at that depth,
But mine seems a comparative waltz.

I've been down to the darker pits,
And I've pulled myself back up.
But never did I fall so far,
That I believed in giving up.

So now I stand here by myself,
Often feeling quite alone.
My skies are bright with fluffy clouds,
And it feels just like home.

But I miss my friends, they made it better,
And now I try to compare.
I try to be the cheery beacon,
That can raise them back to air.

I wish that they might talk again,
And find our lively conversation.
I'm once again giving of myself,
In this friendly dedication.

I don't blame them, I'm not mad,
I say it's not their fault.
But I'm finding it hard to find myself,
Under this sad assault.

But because I love them, every one,
I keep my smile overt.
As they say, the brightest smile,
Has felt the deepest hurt.

My only wish that they might find,
Some sort of joy in me.
That they might share my blue skies,
And finally be set free.

Her eyes they twinkle,
Sparkle and shine.
Dark, light, dark again,
Such perfect design.

Her laugh runs free,
Like a mountain stream,
So smooth and surreal,
As though a dream.

With hair that flows,
Such gentle grace,
It retains its glory,
When out of place.

A smile that shines,
So incredibly bright.
It flashes and grins,
Lighting the night.

Her physical beauty,
Perfection it may be,
Is not the only beauty,
That one can see.

Her heart, her heart.
Words cannot describe.
So cold, so warm,
So many things inside.

So good and so golden,
Such warmth and invitation.
Intricate and delicate,
A web of fascination.

Her inner beauty,
Beyond compare.
Leaves other girls,
With such despair.

They look upon her,
In all her glory,
Crying out,
In all their fury.

But she bears the weight,
With poise and grace.
A perfect woman,
Beyond distaste.

She bends the knee,
Without asking.
Men line up behind her,
Glory basking.

But they in vain,
For her heart lies elsewhere.
I'll never understand,
Just how it got there.

It lies with me,
In my gentle hands.
It warms my soul,
And hears my plans.

How she loves me,
I'll never know.
Perhaps predestined,
From long long ago.

But she is my gift,
All the beauty that I have.
She is my joy,
That which makes me laugh.

I love her dearly,
Moreso than my life.
I love her even more,
Than she loved the knife.

Her scars don't haunt us,
The opposite is true.
The blood she spilled reminds me,
Her strength sees her through.

My heart belongs with her,
Her image fills my dreams.
In my imagination of the future,
She stars in every scene.

She is more than perfection,
Her beauty beyond sublime.
Her heart all I've dreamt of,
I've already given her mine.

I was gazing out to ocean view,
And somehow it reminded of you.
Such depth here can be found,
Here to the tune of seaside sound.

The ocean spreads out far and wide,
So many things it sequesters inside.
Indeed I think you do too,
So many secrets hidden in you.

The pounding waves never ending,
Something like your will, never bending.
Stubborn and strong without fail,
The steady strength on which you sail.

Stormy clouds just barely visible,
Hint at anger oh so subtle.
Rains pour down in far off sheets,
Ruthless there, the stormy beats.

Alas what beauty is present here,
Indescribable when I come so near.
Indeed like you, my breath it steals,
But I so love the way it feels.

My heart beats faster at the sight,
Subliminal perfection beneath the moonlight.
The stars reflected far from shore,
As in your eyes I so adore.

The tide comes in as though calling,
It seems to know that I am falling.
Deeper, deeper, into blue abyss,
And into you, I don't resist.

Shells of such intricate expression,
Wash up from the salty depression.
Such beautiful works of artistry,
Reminisce of those you brought to be.

The ocean, the ocean, there it lies,
Such beauty, wonder, joy at its side.
It covers my earth, flooding my thought,
It is something I have always sought.

Indeed I realize why the sight,
Brought thoughts of you that starry night.
Such magnificence there in beauty view,
Such depth and wonder found in you.

I feel it crawling beneath your skin,
Slinking, squirming, deep within.
Beneath my touch you seize and reel,
Burning up with ***** zeal.

Your eyes aflame, deep and blue,
Such a sinful, delicious hue.
I feel the heated radiation,
I see your longing designation.

You look at me, into my eyes,
Searching past my calm disguise,
I fear you see the beast within,
He that longs to feed your sin.

I can't control it, I can't hold back,
Your burning lust, my twisted track.
An evil grin lights your face,
Now that you feel my blood race.

You take my hands, press them to you,
Knowing my desire to be true.
I drop a muffled, aching sound,
Feeling your dress fall to the ground.

I pull you in, rough and strong,
Your whimpers such a succulent song.
One more look into your eyes,
You are the sin that satisfies.

Silken hands of lustful flame,
Tracing down my twisting frame.
I in turn caress your face,
Prepared to enjoy this fall from grace.

Desire's fury now takes control,
Feeding the flames beneath my soul.
I can't resist your delicious feel,
The sensation of your ***** zeal.

Often times I wish to go,
To flee far from these city lights.
Often times I wish to roam,
Lay on my back, these starry nights.

And so I do, for this is freedom,
The choice is yours and mine.
As heat dies and streetlights hum,
The sun will cease to shine.

Retreat now, no, not flee,
The city fades to but a speck.
Tires hum, and every tree,
Blurs past while on this trek.

Highway turns to country road,
Asphalt gives way to gravel.
It matters not what is below,
Nor which way is traveled.

North, south, east, or west,
They all lead to perfect places.
Into the darkness, heaven's chest,
Away from familiar spaces.

The engine stops, darkness stares,
Reaching this destination.
The night sounds fill the air,
Sparking fascination.

Moonlit sights fill it all,
With gentle shadows cast.
Beauty found as darkness falls,
Heartbeats thumping fast.

Fireflies dance in the fields,
As beauty multiplies.
But this not all the darkness yields,
You have yet to see the skies.

Lay a blanket out on the bed,
Less you begin to float away.
Let silence calm the weary head,
There is little left to say.

Upon your back, just gaze up,
There is nothing more to do.
A night here is just enough,
Let it speak to you.

Infinity stretches on,
Unfathomable to our being.
So many stars here and beyond,
Far past our own seeing.

A million dots on heaven's floor,
They twinkle and they shine.
Oh so many, many more,
Impossible to define.

Events come back into perspective,
Quarrels seem so small.
For here there is but one directive,
To live and love it all.

Beyond the beauty, something waits,
I know not for you, but I.
Passing through the iron gates,
Finding depth within the sky.

Insignificance, boldly stark,
Does it not make you quake?
We are but specks in the dark,
Fearing each benign mistake.

We run about, timing life,
What is this breakneck pace?
A marble filled with toils of strife,
Careening off through space.

Staring up to infinity,
Does it not seem insane?
Man's ego, what such fallacy,
Cringing once again.

Introspection yields such truth,
But tires out the mind.
Innocence is not just of youth,
It is only hard to find.

This is where peace is found,
Where fear and nerves find rest.
This the place where silence resounds,
Where hearts find an open nest.

Snap back to the moment,
Feel again the here and now.
Watch slowly, peaceful movements,
As each star takes a bow.

The moonlight greets you as a friend,
Starlight endowed in your eyes.
And though you know it soon must end,
These are not the final goodbyes.

Roll up the dewdrop blanket,
Stow it back away.
It is time to collect the bet,
To face it all but never sway.

One last look up to heaven,
As the night time music plays.
Incredible nights, such gifts given,
Just perfect to star gaze.



For Brittany

10/26/13

I realized that I loved you,
As I watched you walk away.
I just stood there watching,
With so much yet to say.

My brain flooded with memories,
Both the brightest and the black.
Each feeding the flame,
That burned to have you back.

Every word ever spoken,
Was seen in a new, white light.
The epiphany was painful,
It cast me into night.

I realized that I wanted you,
As I watched you walk away.
You were the desire of my dreams,
And my yearning every day.

You were not what I had believed,
Such a fool I had become.
My blindness and my ego,
Caused it all to be undone.

The pain began to build,
As I realized my new fate.
A chasm deep inside my heart,
The one you would soon create.

I realized you were perfect,
As I watched you walk away.
That I had never seen a flaw,
I admired and loved your every way.

The curtain shut on my show,
When you ceased as audience.
Left standing, baffled, on the stage,
Sifting through the evidence.

It was true you were the beauty,
Without you, my show was dim.
You brought light to that around you,
And a tingle to the skin.

I realized my final fallacy,
As I watched you walk away.
I had failed without compare,
With nothing left but to pray.

Clinging to my convictions,
Struggling to keep what was left.
So ******* within myself,
Contemplating the ease of death.

Forgiveness would never come,
I was quick to see.
This was a loss life knows but once,
Not for you, but me.

I realized that I loved you,
As I watched you walk away.
I knew that it was over,
Today was my last day.

Stirring deep within the clouds,
A force of untested strength.
Snapping and crackling,
Searching for the shortest length.

Electricity just waiting to strike,
Uncontrollable and without bounds.
A lost wanderer within sky,
Always trying to find the ground.

This is my life, all that I am.
No home, no life, no purpose to call mine.
Every strike satisfies desire,
But leaves something broken and burnt behind.

I need something to hold me down,
To focus all my energy.
Something to keep me coming back,
That isn't charred by me.

It must be strong of will and heart,
It must stand my full on might.
Something that gets me out of the clouds,
On each lonely stormy night.

It needs to be irresistible,
Through every path soon trod.
I need something, I need someone,
To be my lightning rod.

I write so many stanzas,
They fall right off the page.
Never bothering to read again,
Locked in forgotten cage.

I miss the days when my poems,
Would never go unfinished.
I miss the way you filled them in,
Your genius undiminished.

I loved the way you rhymed the twists,
Such crazy, lovely plots.
You held my sadness to the light,
Adding happy letters and dots.

The way your pen complimented,
And fit perfectly within mine.
Our words always flowed together,
Inspiration almost divine.

You took my broken writings,
Helped me make them something great.
You cheered me on through each line,
Never wanting for debate.
12/26/13


To me you were of magic,
Finishing my incomplete.
I wish you would rhyme for me,
Let our two writings meet.

I wish you would read again,
And find every verse I'm missing.
I wish that you were real,
I might as well, while I'm wishing.

4/16/2014

I was not always who I am,
In fact, I don't even resemble my previous self.
My friends, if in fact you are reading this,
Put all your old memories on a shelf.


Do you remember the freshman who was always quiet?
The one you might have seen down the hall?
The one everyone called a friend,
But never really knew at all?

You know the one, how can you forget,
His shoes and shaggy hair?
The way he smiled to himself,
When you didn't notice that he was there?

Do you remember the timid laughter,
As he struggled to fit in?
Coming to the monstrous place,
Knowing that he was truly alone.

I'll bet you never knew.
No, I know you never did.
All the feelings, thoughts, words, actions,
Were all the things he ever hid.

He strut his stuff down dusty hallways,
Secretly hating the way he was.
Incapacitated by his own ignorance,
Choosing to just accept his flaws.


Do you remember the sophomore who always smiled?
The one who was called the nicest boy?
Of course you do, everyone does,
You said his presence was enjoyed.

This was the year he began to see,
The direction his life was going.
He stopped dead, shocked, in his tracks,
When he saw was he was becoming.

He hated himself to the point of breaking,
But he didn't break, he just bent.
He resigned himself, accepted his fate,
As his heart and confidence were rent.

He receded into himself and his life,
Refusing to push harder; to push on.
If only the poor idiot had known,
He could have worked to a faster dawn.

But instead he became lazy,
People only knew him as the nice guy.
And for a while he was satisfied,
Until he found the final question: Why?


Do you remember the junior who always looked high?
As though his mind was always far away?
Of course you do, everyone does.
Because that was the year he learned to play.

That was the year that people finally saw,
Another side to the quiet, nice guy.
That was the year that would change everything,
Because he decided to change what was inside.

"Why?" is such a simple question,
But one that entails the entirety of life.
It was in this search that the boy,
Found something deeper in all his strife.

This was the beginning of a new path,
One that took years to complete.
But it was one that led him higher,
A throne to replace his lowly seat.

He finally learned to love himself,
He learned to throw caution to the wind.
He learned to build and better himself,
He finally learned to love again.

These things did not come easily,
Nor were they close to instant.
The path was long and tedious,
But the boy was finally persistent.

Only a small change was noticed,
He took his seat among varsity ranks.
People noticed a personality,
Where once before had seemed so blank.

The few who he let closest,
Noticed something deep within him first.
Two helped him build and grow,
One tried taking his potential for herself.

Fighting through he found himself,
Another year had passed him by.
But what the boy finally knew,
Was that he could change who he was inside.

Do you remember that one senior boy,
Who walked the halls with a grin and hint of swagger?
Of course you do, how could you forget,
This was the year that boy became bigger.

He suddenly wasn't just the quiet or nice guy,
Everyone looked on as if he were new.
What was the confidence that was in his eyes,
Where once only weakness and fear grew?

This was the question everyone asked him,
The one that everyone wanted to know.
What had happened over that summer,
That caused this whole new person to show?

He couldn't give them an answer,
How could he describe what he had done?
What was is there to say,
That he had learned to let go, live, and love?

Suddenly the ones who had ignored him,
Were asking him for his advice.
It felt so good to be validated,
After a lifetime of cowardice.

Do you remember the first game of the season,
When he blew the crowd away?
The ferocity and abandon that he carried,
It was his new favorite way to play.

Do you remember the first dance of the year,
When suddenly he was dating the track star?
Nobody could believe she came onto him,
The quiet boy who had come so far.

Do you remember how he was suddenly important?
It was because he knew all the dark and ***** secrets.
The quiet boy you thought meant nothing,
Suddenly new everyone's weakness.

Do you remember how he led the class?
He was suddenly leadership material.
You cheered him and his team,
When the trophy was hung with his orange Mercurials.

Only one person thought to ask him,
What exactly had happened, what had changed?
He smiled quietly, once again and said,
I let myself out of my cage.

It took four years for him to love himself,
To find confidence among his fears.
To build himself into a better person,
To gain the respect of all his peers.

The hardest part throughout it all,
Was not to feed on his new found pride.
To retain the innocence of his past,
And somehow keep kindness in his stride.

He was voted friends with everyone,
And indeed, he truly was.
An entire school known by name,
He graduated to thunderous applause.


Do you remember the college freshman?
No, of course you don't.
You haven't really met him yet,
Most of you probably won't.

He's doing well, the quiet boy,
He finally found a balance in good and pride.
He thanks you for teaching him about himself,
The testing grounds where he reached inside.

He thanks you for being exactly what you were,
Some kind, some not, some indifferent.
Without each and everyone one of you,
He might have remained weak and ignorant.

Now he lives his life the best he can,
Living and loving each and every day.
He lets cares pass him all by,
Only letting peace and happiness stay.

He learned to love himself,
That the most important of all that changed.
The confidence and wisdom inspired him,
To live his life unchained.

Surrounding himself with the best people,
Loving life and all its trials.
Holding those he cares about,
Almost forgetting the quiet boy in denial.


I've written here about who I was,
Because it defines who I am today.
I am no longer the weak, quiet boy,
I think the confidence is here to stay.

Learning to love myself,
Was the key to my happiness.
Everything good that has happened since,
Is a result of choosing to leave the sadness.

I write not for my own vindication,
Although in hindsight, it sounds this way.
I merely wish to express my changes,
In as few memories as I must say.

I've lost precious minutes here,
Typing out this soliloquy.
And now I fear that it must end,
There is more life for me to see.

Here I go, into the night,
Who knows what I will find.
I love to live my amazing life,
With this peaceful state of mind.




I realized that I am at an extremely happy moment in my life and I wanted to spend some time remembering how I got here. All of the toils and troubles and terrible experiences that I had have culminated to this one moment, this one day, this one year. Every choice I made, every word I said has been working towards the state of happiness I now experience. If I write with more than a hint of ego it is because I do feel pride for having come so far from the person I used to be.

“It really is,” I whispered, “It really is a beautiful world."


     “This really doesn’t feel safe,” Jamie said, her voice holding just a hint of fear. She was probably right. By anyone’s standards, this was straight up stupid, and here I had convinced her to come along with me.
     “Nah it’s totally fine. I wouldn’t do anything to put you in too much danger.” I said this without a hint of doubt in my voice, confident as usual. I had to keep the fearless and confident image or she might change her mind. I hoped the risk would be worth it in the end, but I couldn’t really be sure. How could I know unless I tried? If I didn’t try, I would just be left wondering how great it might have been.
     “We are really freaking high.” This time Jamie said it deadpan, more of an emotionless observation than anything else. Again, she was right. I looked down the long white ladder past her. It was probably 80 yards to the ground from where we were. Above us was another 20 yards of ladder, leading up to a narrow platform. We were climbing a water tower. The platform above us circled around the tower just below where it began to bulge outward into a spherical shape at the top. There was no safety cage around us, nothing to break our fall except for the climbing harnesses we wore. Each harness had two straps, each with a clip on the end. One clip would be snapped onto the first rung, then the next clip to the second, and so forth until we reached the top. It wasn’t fool proof but it was better than nothing.
     “But seriously my hands are getting tired. How much further is it?” Jamie was great, but complaining was one of her most annoying flaws. Most people wouldn’t have made it this far anyway. The fact that she had was just a testament to the athleticism and strength she had underneath all that complaining.
     “Close. Maybe fifty rungs. Hang on for another five minutes and we can sit down and rest.” Yet again she was right. My hands and forearms were burning like crazy. I had long ago learned that climbing with gloves on a slick painted surface was asking for trouble, so today we had no protection from the narrow rungs pressing into our skin.
     For the next fifty rungs, the only sound I could hear above my heavy breathing was the clink and snap as each clip was removed and replaced. It was surprisingly calm this evening, the sun not quite finished slipping below the horizon. It was late August, so the temperature was still somewhere in the 70s this time of day. The backpack on my back seemed to get heavier and heavier the higher we went. I could feel the straps digging into my shoulders and trying to tip me over backwards. This bag was far too big for what I was doing, but I needed some way to bring a sleeping bag and blanket up. Finally, my hand left the last rung and found the top of the steel platform. I unclipped from the last rung and snapped on to the hand rail that went around the outside edge before I reached down to take Jamie’s hand.
     “Thank you sir,” she said, “I see chivalry is not dead.” Her hand brushed a few loose strands of long blonde hair out of her face as she stood upright next to me, looking out over the edge.
     “Ok, you were right. This is worth it.” She said in a matter of fact tone. I laughed softly.
     “This isn’t actually what we came for,” I said with a grin, “We aren’t done climbing yet. I just didn’t think you would actually come if I told you how far we were going. But the view is really nice here.”
     “You can’t be serious. I didn’t see anything going up any further.” She sounded rather incredulous.
     “We have to follow this platform around to the other side. There is a set of stairs going up to the very top. At least it isn’t another ladder.” I tried to sound confident, like it had already been decided that we would go on, but I couldn’t stop a tiny bit of a pleading tone from leaking in. I knew there was a small chance that she would want to stop here, but I also knew that going just a bit further would be completely worth it. I had scoped this tower out from the ground several times, using my trusty binoculars that I bargained for at a neighbor’s yard sale. When I discovered the stairs going up past the platform, I used an online satellite map to take a peek at the very top of the tower. From what I had been able to tell, at the very top there was a completely level platform, twelve to fifteen feet in diameter, with a secure looking rail around it. Amazing what a person can find online.
     My hope was to spend the night on that platform, hence the sleeping bag and blanket in my massive backpack. Tonight was supposed to be the brightest and most active meteor shower of the year in North America and the weather had decided to be kind to us star gazers, leaving a clear and cloudless sky for the evening. It would be perfect. Perfect if Jamie would go along with it, that is.
     “You are the worst kind of person,” she said. She wasn’t facing me so I couldn’t really tell how she felt about it. Finally she turned around and rolled her eyes. “Ohhhkaaaay. Let’s go. We’ve already gone this far.” She was used to situations like this. I was the one who always wanted to push the limits, go a little further, risk just a bit more, and she was the one who always asked me to reconsider and then went along with it anyway. I always felt bad for a little while, but I got over it pretty quick. It’s not like she didn’t know me well.
     “You are the best kind of person,” I said with a wink and a grin, “But let’s rest for a bit. My arms are tired now.” We sat down and I took off my backpack, setting it on the platform beside me, digging through a side pocket. I pulled out two bottles of water and a box of Poptarts.
     “Poptart?” I offered, “Snack of champions. All the professional water tower climbers eat them I heard.”
     “How are you not fat,” she replied, taking a delicious cherry snack from the silver wrapper. It wasn’t a question really, it was more a running joke between her and I about how much I should actually weigh. She’d usually joke that one day all the junk I eat would hit me at once and I would wake up weighing 400 pounds. Even though she joked, she wasn’t beyond being bitter about my eating habits since she worked hard to keep a perfect physique.
     Next I pulled out two plain white pieces of paper and handed one to her. I began folding mine delicately into the perfect paper airplane, using the flat section of the water tower for some of the more delicate creases.
     “I don’t know why I hang out with you. You are literally so freaking weird. Like who the hell would bring paper up the side of a water tower just to make a paper airplane.” She laughed even as she criticized. I knew she didn’t really mind. She had on multiple occasions told me that my “quirkiness” as she put it definitely made me more interesting to be around. I guess I was a little odd, but I didn’t really think that was a bad thing. I did what I thought to be amusing or entertaining. It wasn’t my fault the rest of the world didn’t seem to feel quite the same way about life.
     “In fifty years don’t you want to be able to set your grandchild on your lap and tell them all about the time you tossed a paper airplane off the side of a water tower? Grandkids don’t want to hear boring stories. I would know. I was a grandkid once.” Jamie just shook her head with a grin and started folding her airplane. Mine was finished and ready to be launched into the great unknown.
     “This is Air Farce One to ground station Loser, requesting permission to take off.” I did my best Top Gun impression, trying to remember how cool Tom Cruise sounded when he said it.
     “This is ground station Awesome to Air Farce One. Ground station Loser could not be located but we can go ahead and give you permission to launch. Have a nice flight.” Jamie still had at least a little bit of a child left in her. I tossed my paper airplane over the side, watching it glide several hundred yards before landing in the low branches of a tree. Mission complete.
     “What perfect throwing form you have,” Jamie said sarcastically, "You were probably one of those nerds who just made paper airplanes in class all day as a kid." Ouch. Yea, that had been me. Jamie wound up and threw her airplane with all her strength. She had made more of a dart than a glider and it flew fast, eventually landing in a tree considerably further than mine had.
     “You win this round,” I said with mock disgust, only barely able to hide a smile, “Let’s keep going.” I removed my clips from the rail and began walking along the platform. The bulb at the top of the tower was much bigger than it looked from the ground. I could just imagine the thousands of gallons of water above and beside me.
     Eventually we reached the stairs. It was nice of the designers to have taken pity on the poor inspectors who had to climb this far up. A ladder going around the outside of the bulb would have been terrifying. The stairs curling around the side felt much more secure. Reaching the top, there was a narrow platform leading from the edge of the bulb where the stairs ended to the flat space in the center of the tower. There was only a handrail on the left side so Jamie and I were sure to snap our harnesses on. The sun had almost fully set by now, the last tendrils of light just enough to see by as we made our way to the center.
     “Okay this is cool. You know what we should have done? We totally should have brought an air mattress up here and slept or something,” Jamie thought aloud. “I’ll bet the stars look amazing from here. Oh and look you can already see the city lights over there!” I loved seeing her excited. She would take one hand and play with her hair while the other would point at things. It was kind of weird when I thought about it, how she always pointed at things when she was excited. But that was just Jamie being Jamie.
     “You read my mind.” I pulled the sleeping bag and blanket out of the backpack and laid them on the flat steel. I probably should have realized how cold that steel was going to be. Oh well.
     “We are so in sync right now,” Jamie laughed. “This is awesome. You were right.”
     “Wait so what did you think was in the bag?” I asked. She hadn’t mentioned it before and I never said anything about it.
     “Honestly I thought it was a parachute or some **** and you were going to try jumping off the edge,” she laughed, “I would have tried to stop you but I decided I really won’t feel guilty when you die doing something stupid.”
     “Brilliant!” I exclaimed, “I am so going to try that next time!” I wouldn’t really. I liked doing risky things, but I wasn’t suicidal. We spent the next few minutes getting the sleeping bag and blanket situated. I loved the fact that Jamie could be spontaneous sometimes and that she was totally okay with just camping out on top of a random water tower on a Wednesday night. How many people in the world would have been okay with that? I was lucky to have her as a friend.
     We had everything settled by the time darkness fell completely. The climbing harnesses had been stuffed into the backpack and the backpack had been strapped to the railing on the side of the platform. With the sleeping bag laid completely open, there was still at least five or six feet of open platform on all sides of us. It felt secure enough.
     “I also forgot to mention that tonight is a huge meteor shower.” Jamie and I were on our backs, looking up at the infinite blackness.
     “I love shooting stars.” She said softly. Her eyes were wide and I could see her making fake mustaches out of her hair. She had kicked off her shoes and socks and was wiggling her toes in the night air. There was only a sliver of moon, just bright enough that I could see the glow of it on her cheeks.
     “It makes me feel small,” Jamie whispered, “I feel like that should bother me, feeling small, but it doesn’t. It’s weird because it’s almost comforting to me. Here I am, this tiny speck of dust, floating around on a larger speck of dust in the middle of infinity.” She wasn’t usually one to enjoy philosophy, but on the rare occasions she spoke like that, her point of view and opinions usually inspired me. She had a beautiful mind. She just didn’t often care to open up and share it like this.
“It makes me feel like it can’t all be an accident. Some people say that we got here through a series of random and fortunate events, that there is no great plan or design. But I just don’t see how that can be. How can mere chance create something like this? Of all the possibilities, of the infinite infinite possibilities, I just can’t believe that people, that you and I or anyone else were put here by accident. I don’t think that life could be an accident.” She spoke softly the whole time. Her voice never raised or quickened. Words seemed to flow forth effortlessly, as if this all were prepared and practiced. She was able to speak without doubt or hesitation, with such certainty that even the greatest cynic might have stopped to listen.
     She continued on, weaving words as though spells, playing ideas as though harp strings. She talked about her life, telling me things she never had before, teaching me things even I didn’t know. Jamie didn’t seem to be Jamie for the next while. Instead, she seemed to have become a font of wisdom, ideas, and genius. At least, that is how I saw her. She was able to take a single idea, and examine it from all perspectives. It was as though she held it in her palm, slowly rotating it to peer closer. She made connections that I had never thought of, inspiring me to think even deeper, loving the moment. All the while she lay there, watching the stars, wiggling her toes, and making pretend mustaches out of that long blonde hair. Eventually, she turned silent.
     “But what if it is an accident?” I said. My voice was unusually soft. “What if it was all an accident? What if there is no plan, no fate, and no reason for anything? What if there is no beginning or end and we are just insignificant bits of space dust? The idea of it not being an accident just seems so conveniently comforting, almost too convenient.” Jamie was silent after I finished. My heart was beating fast and my mind was alive. I didn’t feel close to being tired.
     “So what if it is,” she said eventually, “What difference does it make? Even if it is all an accident. Even if there is no meaning to life at all, it seems like a beautiful accident to me. Here we are, you and I, able to share this with each other. That seems like a beautiful accident to me. Here is this great big world, all the adventure, all the excitement, and all the love that it is filled with. That seems like a beautiful accident to me. Here is this infinitely huge sky, filled with stars that are incomprehensibly far away. If this is all an accident, it is the most beautiful I can imagine.” She paused for a while longer. “I feel that whatever you believe, it doesn’t really matter. Perhaps you believe there is a supreme design and plan, or maybe you believe that life is an accident filled with chaos. It doesn’t matter. We all live in the same world. We all see the same beautiful sights, we are surrounded by it. It is only our perception of it that differs. I choose to believe that such an incredibly beautiful world cannot be an accident.”
     I was quiet for a long time. Jamie had, for all intents and purposes, rocked my world. Hers was a perspective I had never thought of before. I, who believed I had thought it through from every angle. I, who believed myself smarter than the world. I realized then, at that moment, laying on the top of a water tower in late August watching a meteor shower, that maybe I was not a genius. Maybe I did not have the world figured out like I had believed. Maybe, just maybe, I was just a cynic; a cynic blinded by the misfortunes I had seen and suffered; a cynic disappointed in a world that had not treated me well.
     Jamie took my hand in hers, interlocking her slender fingers within my larger ones. She turned her head to the side and looked at me, still sporting a fake mustache. The sliver of moon was reflected in her eyes just so that I could not really look into them. Her lips were curled into just the slightes

Come lie with me.
Let's lie to the world.
Let's say that it can't hold us down,
Can't hold us back,
Can make us hurt.
Let's lie to the world and say that everything is fine.
That this is how things were meant to be.
That here as we lay, we are truly free.
I doesn't have to be for long,
It can be if you like,
But just lie with me at least until night.

“Get that stupid *** grin off your face and kiss me!” And so I did. I leaned in until I was inches from her rosy lips, waiting for her to come the last little distance. She did so readily, with a warmth and a salt taste that I knew I could never forget. Her hand found my knee as I reached around to gently caress the back of her neck, my heart pounding in my chest like waves on the shore.
          We stayed that way for a while, exploring each other, the sun beating down. I could feel it burning my shoulders and back but didn’t care in the least. This was a passionate kiss, not wild, but with the depth and quality that so few have, the feeling that only comes with connection.
          We held the kiss as the waves rocked us, occasionally lapping over the side of the surfboard. With legs hung over the side as we straddled for stability, the salty water kept us plenty cool. It was complete serenity; one of the rare moments when there are no mental distractions and a person can become lost. Despite the perfection of the moment, I couldn’t help myself and the thought of pushing her off the board again made me grin trough the kiss.
          “What’s so funny?” she asked with feigned innocence. I could see the twinkle in those incredibly dark eyes, the little spark that always drew me in and fascinated me. Countless little freckles on her nose were newly accented by sun kissed cheeks, holding a slight rosy glow that was very becoming. My hand had fallen from her neck and I used it to playfully splash a little water on her leg.
          “Oh, nothing,” I said with a sly grin, “I was just, uh, thinking about how beautiful you look right now.” She knew me too well, easily seeing through my fib. Apparently I just couldn’t hide the way I felt from her. She had always told me that she could read secrets in my eyes, big or small, but that was okay with me. I had never needed to hide anything from her.
          “Is that so?” she grinned, with a devious look in her eyes. God I loved that look. She bit her lower lip just slightly and played with a loose tendril of hair that had escaped her ponytail. Then she leaned back on the board with her other hand, watching me. I had seen this so many times before; I knew exactly where it was going.
          “Well, actually I was thinking about pushing you in the water again. But then I remembered we were being nice to each other today.” I said the last bit with a bit of a wink. She had always said she loved it when I winked, so I purposefully used it sparingly. A guy has to have a few tricks of his own, right? She always seemed to have the upper hand on me, no matter what we were doing.
          I think she had me figured out as nobody before ever had. It was nice, to say the least, to have someone whom I had to work to surprise or impress. It kept me interested, kept me challenged, which is exactly what I needed to make me happy. She was a challenge. A beautiful challenge, and I loved it. It was exasperating at times, frustrating to work with, but I knew that in the end I would never have had it any other way. She was perfect as she was.
         A beautiful, dangerous, **** challenge is what was going through my brain as I sat there watching her. She had tanned this summer, her skin taking on a golden tone that made it irresistible to touch. Today she wore my favorite bikini top. It was red and hung down in a small triangle in front of her chest, patterned like a bandanna. Small drops of water still clung to her forehead and chin from the last time we fell off the board. In my mind, a scene of perfection, and she knew exactly what I thought.
          “Well... Maybe I’m not in the mood for you to be nice to me right now,” her voice trailed off as she pulled her feet out of the water and placed them just inside my knees were, to where her toes barely rubbed the inside of my thighs. The movement brought a tingling sensation where we touched and brought my heart to a pounding beat again. She was still leaning back just slightly on one hand, playing with her hair in the other. Her back was arched inward, so that the triangle of bandanna was extremely prominent. I knew what she was doing, but so did she. Her eyes traced up the board from her toes, up my chest, to my eyes. She stopped biting her lip as the devious grin once again took its throne upon her face. **** that grin.
          “Actually, I know I’m not in the mood for you to be nice to me right now.” This time her voice was laced with seduction, barely audible above the waves meeting the shore. She slid her body along the board towards me, her legs underneath my knees, my calves and feet still in the water. My heart was pounding out of my chest at this point, and my breathing was a little heavy. I partially hated that she could do this to me so easily.
          We were very close, her thighs slid just under mine, her toes touching the middle of my back. I lightly rested my hands on her legs, the golden skin feeling like heaven beneath my fingertips. She still had her back arched and she knew ****** well how good she looked as she slid her hands up the outside of my arms and up to my shoulders. She moved those rosy lips towards me once again. ******* she was beautiful. She stopped when her lips were touching my ear. I knew she could feel how tense I was, how fast my heart beat, how electrified I was by her. Then she whispered.
          “Sucker.” And with that she threw her entire weight over the side of the board, her hands and legs dragging me over with her. The salt water rushed up my nose and into my eyes, burning. I surfaced, spluttering, trying to see again to the sound of her laughter. I stood up, the water only a few feet deep out here on the sand bar.
          “**** you **** you **** you!” I did my best to sound angry, but I couldn’t keep myself from smiling through it all. She was still laughing, loving her own joke. I splashed water in her face, still dripping wet.
          “I hate you.” She knew that every time I said it, that I meant the exact opposite.
          “The look on your face as you went over. Oh my god. You totally thought you were going to get some on a surfboard. Oh my, pffft that was funny.” She was still laughing, standing a few feet away, having not defended herself from my frustrated splashes. The look on my face was a mixture of amusement and frustration. I knew she loved the look, it gave her some sort of satisfaction in having gotten the best of me. I watched her walk through the warm water over to where I stood, arms crossed in front of me. She wrapped herself around me, giggling, and reached up to kiss me again.
          She was always a challenge, this girl. Always a beautiful challenge.

I'm trying. I'm trying.
I've been trying so **** long.
I hate the words, rancid taste,
Like failure off the tongue.

Can't you see what I'm going through,
Are you blind to this, my misery?
Disappointment and festering,
Is that all that you can see?

I don't think you appreciate.
I don't think you understand!
This is what I look like dying.
Soul thin under demand.

You were all needed.
With you I was doing just fine.
But now you are leaving me,
Watching my coffin float on bye.

In this time of suffering misery,
I held on just for you.
I knew that I would see you again,
I knew then I'd make it through.

Can't you see what you mean to me?
Can't you realize my sacrifice?
Why can't you just understand?
Don't make me these dice.

I don't know what I can do,
There are no answers to your questions.
I've done my best, I've been patient,
I've followed all of the directions.

I guess I'll never really know,
What I can do to make this right.
If you could only just understand,
But it is clear your don't tonight.

I wish I were there,
Your hand in mine.
Being at your side,
Not asking the time.

I wish I were there,
To see the light in your face.
To look into your eyes,
Brush a hair back in place.

I wish I were there,
To kiss you goodnight.
I long to be with you,
Each and every night.

I wish I were there,
To kiss you good morning.
To watch the sun's rays,
Light your hair without warning.

I wish I were there,
Just to see you smile.
To see wrinkled sheets,
All pushed in a pile.

I wish I were there,
To hear your sweet voice.
Let it whisper in my ear,
My one and only choice.

I wish I were there,
To hear all your fears.
And to whisper my comforts,
Into your ear.

I wish I were there,
To share myself with you.
To be there to love you,
As all lovers should do.

I wish I were there,
To wrap you up tight.
Show you how close we are,
All through the night.

I wish I were there,
To show you I was near.
But you must be there,
And I must be here.

So come now my love,
Though I'm not sure when,
I know I will see you,
I'll be with you again.

This charade has ended,
I can no longer stomach the strain.
I'd rather quit, choice undefended,
Than to watch it slowly circle the drain.

The hours of waiting are past,
There is no more place for them here.
This now must be the last,
It was the final year.

The memories come tumbling down,
Feeling more like dreams than not.
Each crashing silently, not a sound,
Much more painful than I thought.

So many reasons, so many nights,
But I can no longer justify.
It's not fair and it's not right,
For the involved to stand idly by.

So now the hammer is crushing,
The blow staggering with finality.
Any further attempts just waves crashing,
Decision standing firm against the sea.

I'm sure the blood will run,
And the hate words will be poured out.
This was the battle I never won,
Weak and overcome with doubt.

Nothing here is happiness,
I find not joy in words of ending.
Soon now the reflective sadness,
As I feel the promise rending.

Words are but pointless lines,
Sentences conveyors of betrayal.
Fate fought all my best designs,
Until I caused my own self to fail.

I was not always who I am,
In fact, I don't even resemble my previous self.
My friends, if in fact you are reading this,
Put all your old memories on a shelf.


Do you remember the freshman who was always quiet?
The one you might have seen down the hall?
The one everyone called a friend,
But never really knew at all?

You know the one, how can you forget,
His shoes and shaggy hair?
The way he smiled to himself,
When you didn't notice that he was there?

Do you remember the timid laughter,
As he struggled to fit in?
Coming to the monstrous place,
Where not a single person knew him.

I'll bet you never knew.
No, I know you never did.
All the feelings, thoughts, words, actions,
Were all the things he ever hid.

He strut his stuff down dusty hallways,
Secretly hating the way he was.
Incapacitated by his own ignorance,
Choosing to just accept his flaws.


Do you remember the sophomore who always smiled?
The one who was called the nicest boy?
Of course you do, everyone does,
You said his presence was enjoyed.

This was the year he began to see,
The direction his life was going.
He stopped dead, shocked, in his tracks,
When he saw was he was becoming.

He hated himself to the point of breaking,
But he didn't break, he just bent.
He resigned himself, accepted his fate,
As his heart and confidence were rent.

He receded into himself and his life,
Refusing to push harder; to push on.
If only the poor idiot had known,
He could have worked to a faster dawn.

But instead he became lazy,
People only knew him as the nice guy.
And for a while he was satisfied,
Until he found the final question: Why?


Do you remember the junior who always looked high?
As though his mind was always far away?
Of course you do, everyone does.
Because that was the year he learned to play.

That was the year that people finally saw,
Another side to the quiet, nice guy.
That was the year that would change everything,
Because he decided to change what was inside.

"Why?" is such a simple question,
But one that entails the entirety of life.
It was in this search that the boy,
Found something deeper in all his strife.

This was the beginning of a new path,
One that took years to complete.
But it was one that led him higher,
A throne to replace his lowly seat.

He finally learned to love himself,
He learned to throw caution to the wind.
He learned to build and better himself,
He finally learned to love again.

These things did not come easily,
Nor were they close to instant.
The path was long and tedious,
But the boy was finally persistent.

Only a small change was noticed,
He took his seat among varsity ranks.
People noticed a personality,
Where once before had seemed so blank.

The few who he let closest,
Noticed something deep within him first.
Two helped him build and grow,
One tried taking his potential for herself.

Fighting through he found himself,
Another year had passed him by.
But what the boy finally knew,
Was that he could change who he was inside.

Do you remember that one senior boy,
Who walked the halls with a grin and hint of swagger?
Of course you do, how could you forget,
This was the year that boy became bigger.

He suddenly wasn't just the quiet or nice guy,
Everyone looked on as if he were new.
What was the confidence that was in his eyes,
Where once only weakness and fear grew?

This was the question everyone asked him,
The one that everyone wanted to know.
What had happened over that summer,
That caused this whole new person to show?

He couldn't give them an answer,
How could he describe what he had done?
How could have possibly explain,
That he had learned to let go, live, and love?

Suddenly the ones who had ignored him,
Were asking him for his advice.
It felt so good to be validated,
After a lifetime of cowardice.

Do you remember the first game of the season,
When he blew the crowd away?
The ferocity and abandon that he carried,
It was his new favorite way to play.

Do you remember the first dance of the year,
When suddenly he was dating the track star?
Nobody could believe she came onto him,
The quiet boy who had come so far.

Do you remember how he was suddenly important?
It was because he knew all the dark and ***** secrets.
The quiet boy you thought meant nothing,
Suddenly knew everyone's weakness.

Do you remember how he led the class?
He was suddenly leadership material.
You cheered him and his team,
When the trophy was hung with his orange Mercurials.

Only one person thought to ask him,
What exactly had happened, what had changed?
He smiled quietly, once again and said,
I let myself out of my cage.

It took four years for him to love himself,
To find confidence among his fears.
To build himself into a better person,
To gain the respect of all his peers.

The hardest part throughout it all,
Was not to feed on his new found pride.
To retain the innocence of his past,
And somehow keep kindness in his stride.

He was voted friends with everyone,
And indeed, he truly was.
An entire school known by name,
He graduated to thunderous applause.


Do you remember the college freshman?
No, of course you don't.
You haven't really met him yet,
Most of you probably won't.

He's doing well, the quiet boy,
He finally found a balance in good and pride.
He thanks you for teaching him about himself,
The testing grounds where he reached inside.

He thanks you for being exactly what you were,
Some kind, some not, some indifferent.
Without each and everyone one of you,
He might have remained weak and ignorant.

Now he lives his life the best he can,
Living and loving each and every day.
He lets cares pass him all by,
Only letting peace and happiness stay.

He learned to love himself,
That the most important of all that changed.
The confidence and wisdom inspired him,
To live his life unchained.

Surrounding himself with the best people,
Loving life and all its trials.
Holding those he cares about,
Almost forgetting the quiet boy in denial.


I've written here about who I was,
Because it defines who I am today.
I am no longer the weak, quiet boy,
I think the confidence is here to stay.

Learning to love myself,
Was the key to my happiness.
Everything good that has happened since,
Is a result of choosing to leave the sadness.

I write not for my own vindication,
Although in hindsight, it sounds this way.
I merely wish to express my changes,
In as few memories as I must say.

I've lost precious minutes here,
Typing out this soliloquy.
And now I fear that it must end,
There is more life for me to see.

Here I go, into the night,
Who knows what I will find.
I love to live my amazing life,
With this peaceful state of mind.

I think I'm ready to go, I've left it all behind.
The past has been so slow, I've got a faster pace in mind.

I'm ready to go, get my out of my mind.

Here we are again, the crossroads to the laughter.
Toss myself to the wind, stick the landing after.

I'm ready to go, get me out.

The hundredth cannon fires, with a tiny thunderous roar.
The balance of my desires shines in brown open door.

I'm ready to go.

Let the chills wash over me, now its time find the new.
The tingle finally sets me free, almost as if you knew.

I'm ready.

This must be a dream.
Surely it must be!
I've never felt life like this,
Washing over me.

Is this a true reality,
Or am I just asleep?
Is this just a creation in my head,
While I float in dreams so deep?

Perhaps I should pinch myself,
To test this light fantasy.
I can't believe this the truth,
I need proof that I can see.

The pinch doesn't wake me,
Water makes no change.
My token top is falling,
Life will never be the same.

Perhaps then this is no dream!
Maybe this is in fact real life.
What perfection that could be,
Living a perfect dream of night.

Everything is going well,
Not a flaw can possibly be seen.
I float through almost dazed,
Suddenly living a true dream.

My smile never falters,
How could it here and now?
Nothing will ever hold me back,
No man can hold me down.

Life becomes my happiness,
This dream a dream no more.
Such perfection I've found here,
This is a dream I will adore.

I laughed when I was faced with death,
Sometimes I think it was my test.
But did I pass or did I fail?
Am I on the victor trail?

Is this the life of he who won?
Or is this just how I come undone?
A frivolous and pathetic life,
Is that the path I carved that night?

Did I somehow lose myself,
Choosing to die for someone else?
Or was it right, to let them die,
While I watched and stood idly bye?

No, I think, I made the right choice.
I listened to that destructive voice.
The one that told me to jump ahead,
Knowing it that I could soon be dead.

For in that choice my power came,
The fearlessness and focused aim.
The laugh that stood as a shield before,
Still remains to stand strong once more.

I love that I chose to die,
Not for myself, but those at my side.
I love knowing I chose that death,
That I chose to stand in for someone else.

I love the glory, I loved the fame,
I love the memory of him taking aim.
It feeds the demon that is my pride,
It nourishes the bravado that I feel inside.

People look at me as though I am more,
Something beyond what I was before.
Some think me a hero, others say insane,
But it feels ******* great that they know my name.

Perhaps I'll put it on my resume,
"I once stood and laughed death away."
Then again, they would make me explain,
And that would only just bring up the pain.

Because I hate that night,* the way it went.
I hate that even one casing was spent.
I hate that luck is why I survived,
I hate that it wasn't some quality of mine.

It sickens me that I chose death,
That I willingly elected to take that step.
I did not want to die.
I am thankful that death passed me by.

I am thankful of whatever power or might,
Saved they and I on that February night.
Whether chance or fate, I won't ask why,
But I am glad his bullet passed me by.

Margo was not a miracle. She was not an adventure. She was not a fine and precious thing. She was a girl. It's easy to like someone from a distance. But when she stopped being this amazing unattainable thing or whatever, and started being, like, just a regular girl with a weird relationship with food and frequent crankiness who's kind of bossy--then I had to basically start liking a whole different person.

                                                   -John Green


I read for hours to find the words,
The ones I required to know.
Ah, at last, she was so right,
Words pulled from my own shadow.

I knew them to be words of truth,
These words I had to find.
She told me I had to read them,
They might bring me peace of mind.

Alas, she was right as always,
I know not how she does.
Plucking at my own heartstrings,
The words told me who I was.

"I miss you.”
The sentence seemed to slip out, layered with my pain and sadness and guilt.

~  -  ~  -  ~  -  ~

It was so real, this vision. In a way, I knew it was. I knew that it was only a projection of her conscious being. I knew that she really and truly was dead. But some part of me kept holding onto the hope that there was something I had missed and she would be standing there in front of me when I opened my eyes.

I missed her terribly. I missed her laugh and her tears, her jokes and her cynical sarcasm. I missed the way the corner of her mouth would curl when she was keeping a secret from me. The mornings seemed empty, never quite complete without a text rambling about whatever late night thought she had. The empty pit in my stomach deepened every time I heard her name.

I missed her like I didn't know I could miss someone. She had become such an integral part of my life that I didn't even realize it until she was gone. I imagine it being something like losing a limb. Except she was so much more than just that. To me, she was an arm and a leg, part of my brain, and she was my heart. She had become so much of me, this friend. Part of me had died with her.

I think it was because of the connection we had, the way she had become such a part of me, that I could still talk to her. I could shut my eyes and she would appear there in front of me, in all her beauty and wisdom, just as she was right now. She always had that devilish little curl in her smile that proved she was keeping her secrets.

"What was it like when you died?"

I asked the question without thinking. She had already given so much, I felt bad asking for any more. But I was genuinely curious.

"It was peaceful. I went quietly, you know, never did want to go out in a blaze of action like you do. It was very painless, some sort of cross between slipping over the crest of a roller coaster and falling asleep."

As she spoke, her eyes shifted up and to the left like they always did when she was telling a story. It always seemed as if she was reading her memories from somewhere in the sky.

"What... What came next? Or rather, where are you now?"

For the first time, I felt slightly nervous about knowing the answer to one of my questions.

"Well I'm right here with you silly."

She giggled softly, her incredible laugh. The sound that made men instantly fall head over heals. It was indescribable.

"You know what I mean. Were we right?"

She almost looked solemn for a moment, as though she struggled with something. It was so unlike her, usually calm and certain. The moment of indecision written in her face made my heart beat faster. The corner of her mouth curled up just a bit, and I knew what was coming next.

"I can't tell you that. Some things you must discover for yourself. But you were right not to fear it. We truly are in control of our own destiny."

My mind was racing through all the possibilities. I really wished she could have given me a full truth, but I knew she would have a good reason for not telling me. I saw the moment of indecision again, just before she spoke.

"I can't tell you what came for me, because it can change what will come for you. Whatever we believe comes next, that is what comes. If your heart and soul believe in some form of afterlife, then that is what comes next. If you believe that there is nothing, then there is nothing. I know not what happens then."

How is someone supposed to react to that sort of information? I went with my usual attempt at humor.

"So you're saying I just need to believe that I go to a land of infinite bacon and sports cars."

She giggled again, this time with the knowing look in her eye that I'd only ever seen in her. It was the look that told how she completely understood me.

"If that's what you want to spend eternity with, then absolutely. It does sound rather pleasant."

This would all take a while to sink in. I decided to think about it all later and proceeded to soak in her image. She was a beautiful person, not only for her looks, but for what I knew to be within her.

"I miss you.”

The sentence seemed to slip out, layered with my pain and sadness and guilt. It echoed within the constructs of my mind, the three words that summed up the whole of my being at that moment. In that one sentence was every tear I hadn't shed and every word I'd wished to say.

"I miss you too.”

She said the words softly after a slight pause. I think we both knew how we felt and we both knew that she was the stronger one right now. In life it had always been me, but I realized that she had always been my strength. I once again felt the crushing pressure of being alone in the world.

"I just miss you so much and I don't even know how to keep going anymore. How am I supposed to live without the one person who really understood me? How do I just, I don't... I know we used to talk and joke about how I was so strong and independent, but I'm not anymore. You changed that. You filled a void in my life that I never even knew was there and became so much more. I don't know how to succeed without you. So many times I've thought about following. I've held the gun in my hands and I didn't see an end, I saw you. I saw the only way to get to you."

My attempts to remain stoic couldn't hope to combat this pain. It boiled up and overflowed into everything. Even the eyes that she said 'had forgotten how to cry' were on the verge of tears. The pain and the guilt pushed out all other emotions.

"No matter how much it hurts, you will make it through. I know your purpose and drive, and I know you have the determination and strength, as well as the bravery. This is only just another challenge, like all those others that you faced and defeated. You never once took the coward’s way out, and I don't expect you to do so this time. I am still with you, in your heart, in your mind, and in your soul. No matter how it feels, you won't be alone."

She spoke calmly. Her grace had always astounded me. Even in death she was just as calming and comforting. My heart began to slow to its normal pace and I focused on collecting myself. She was so beautiful.

"I love you."

I couldn't count how many times I'd whispered those three words, but this time felt different. It was both a statement of belief and a promise. It was a binding agreement that I would survive, that I had to. It was an apology and a thank you, a symbol and a wish.

"I love you too.  You were the one person who ever even tried to reach beneath the surface. You saved me when I needed it most. I’m sorry I’m not there to be with you now."

But I hadn't saved her. At least, not when it counted. If I had, she would still be alive and I wouldn't be mired in this **** sadness. If I had, we would still be together.

“Forever and always.”

I watched as she faded, seeming to slip away from me. I didn't know how I felt. She looked into me with those deep eyes one more time and was gone. Everything was black and I was staring at the slightly red glow of the morning sun on my eyelids. I slowly opened my eyes, reluctant to lose any image that might be left of her.

"Forever and always."

I whispered her promise to the early Sun's rays, as though to hold them to the light, turning over and over to inspect them. Part of me had died with her, but the rest of me had to go on.

"Tell me then, what do you see in your future?"

I didn't really know how to say what I thought and I didn't really think that any of them would understand. Could they even take me seriously? I guess I would find out.

"I see myself being free. Free from the normality that society feeds us. Free from the responsibilities that family expects us to take. I see myself wandering this world with nothing and nobody to tie me down. I see myself admiring all that there is to admire, seeing all there is to see, experiencing all that this giant world has to offer. I see myself creating a world that is better, starting with the smallest flaws. I see myself dying an old man, alone, somewhere in a far corner of the world, but smiling. That is what I see in my future."

They looked at me with blank expressions, or at least the few in the middle I was focusing on. I wondered if I should have bothered with the truth. This had better not hurt my chances of getting in.

"So you don't see yourself married? You don't want a nice house and kids? What about a job?"

Why did all of this even matter to them? They clearly didn't understand my first answer. Perhaps they were just shocked that I see myself potentially ending up alone. Or maybe they, like almost everyone else I'd ever admitted this all to, thought that I was just cold and anti-social. How exactly do I answer this one without sounding too abrasive?

"I see myself beginning with a normal job. Hopefully in the aerospace industry. But I have no intention of staying there forever. I would much prefer to be an entrepreneur and make my own way. As for marriage, I don't see myself ever being married. It's not that I don't want to be, in fact, I would love it if it ended up that way. The problem is that I don't think that I'll ever find someone like me. I don't want children or a nice suburban home. I don't want a mortgage or a deadbeat nine to five job. These things are like a toxin to me. They would hold me down, hold me back, and trap me. What woman could ever feel the same as I? Who could possibly prefer to live their life like me, having zero certainty or any form of normal life? No, I think that I will end up very much on my own. The thought does not bring me any certain joy, but I am not afraid to walk this earth alone."

That last part sounded extremely corny and rehearsed after I thought about it. I wouldn't really blame them if I wasn't taken seriously. Still, they looked at me with feigned interest or understanding, while I politely looked back. The leader, the one in the middle, had a slight frown on his face. Maybe I didn't even want to be a part of this 'exclusive' group if they were to be so close minded. I had just made a strong case for being alone anyway. I scanned the long row of faces for some sign.

That's when I saw, at the very end, a girl just slightly nodding. She looked at me with astoundingly green eyes. I could see it in them. Understanding. And just as suddenly, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't destined to be alone. Maybe,  just maybe, there were others out there who might understand.

Every twinkle of every star,
Another point upon the canvas.
A speck, a dot, oh my perception!
It cannot understand the vastness.

A light, so strong, raw energy,
Reaching me across it all.
Ten trillion miles and countless years,
All culminating in this call.

A thirst for greatness, every dot,
My aspirations feeling heavy.
The twinkles there are my call,
A reminder to set me free.

What lies the love bestowed upon,
By each single burning star?
What inspiration can I derive,
When I am here, so far?

I feel their strength, though remote,
Hidden through seeming innocence.
For here they seem nothing more,
Than each tiny, finite resistance.

But alas their size, nay, my perception,
Grants not mirth but awe.
For I know them as they truly are,
Power, glory, impunity; nature in the raw.

They inspire and define me,
For they reveal our insignificance.
But then again, that one perspective,
Grants my will and steely confidence.

And so I gaze, daring but to dream.
I know them all as they are.
Where I one day will be:
Floating, flying, free and far.

It's not that you should care,
I just wanted you to know.
Now with the story told,
It is time to go.

Changing words change again,
Here I change for someone else.
Altercations to be avoided,
Placing words upon a shelf.

edit: original poems removed

*Second edit: I really regret ever removing these. The original poems have been lost for good.

Standing before iron rods,
I've reached the point of no return.
Struggling ever against the odds,
The chain on which I yearn.

Words now fail me every night,
When sorrow pours out in thought.
Hope abandons with the light,
Leaving prayers left to rot.

I've tried so many times to say,
What exactly is going on.
I put talent upon display,
But my heart dies with every dawn.

Ten thousand words and many more,
I've left laying, only half said.
The rest are strewn about the floor,
Lifeless, soulless, dead.

I tried to show what I couldn't write,
But neither did that suffice.
I chained myself, cuffed too tight,
Each strain another slice.

Without pause, again I failed,
Letting eyes command my thought.
Delicate plans brutally derailed,
All my work and heart for naught.

I struggle to climb from the ashes,
Like a pathetic, weakened phoenix.
But I again bear new lashes,
While the flaws go on unfixed.

My fate is sealed by my weakness,
Though I knew what to solve.
I'll never recover from the abyss,
I've fallen, even devolved.

Looking up to precipice,
I've reached the point of no return.
I couldn't swallow my pride and ego,
Now too late to learn.

"Hey loverboy," she says. I don't respond.*



A rough draft excerpt from my story, Fictional Truth.



“Hey loverboy,” she says. I don’t respond. I enjoy ignoring her for a moment after I come out of a day dream.

“Hey. Jake. Snap out of it boy. Time to come back to earth,” she says with her usual tone of pleased annoyance. This time I leave the world inside my head and return to reality. Slowly turning my head to the right, I can see those deep blue eyes gazing up. I never get tired of her eyes.

“Come on, you said you’d help me here.”

“Sorry,” I say with a half grin and my best attempt at contrition. I look down to the papers in her lap. Right, math. I was helping her with calculus. She was really very good at math. We were in the same class, but she was two years younger than me after skipping two grades in elementary school.

“This one you just take the derivative of your function and plug in these two values.” I can remember these things effortlessly now, which was a huge accomplishment for someone who doesn't particularly like math.

“See, this is why I keep you around,” she says, those rosy lips that I so adored pulled into a little smirk. She reaches up and kisses me. She always seems to find an excuse to kiss me. “You can go back to daydreaming now.” Indeed I do, retreating back to the dreamscape inside my head. This time I think back to when I met Clara.


I had just arrived on campus, a bright eyed college freshman. There I was, lost in a sea of beautiful women. Small private schools had never been kind to me in that regard. Everything on campus was a wonder. Nobody from my high school had come here and I was very much alone but I didn't mind, I had outgrown most of my high school friends long ago. It was long past time for me to expand my horizons.

I found myself standing in front of a massive glass building. I wasn't past checking my reflection in the glass windows. Had to make sure my hair still looked as good as it did when I arrived. Who knew when I might run in to? Opening the doors I caught a waft of the bookstore smell, unlike anything I expected. At home the bookstores were small, with dusty leather covers that begged to be handled and old people that smelled like coffee. This was completely different. The odor of panicked freshman and newly bound textbooks permeated the air. I decided right then I wouldn't be spending much time there.

There was a long line extending towards the back of the building. Not knowing better, I assumed it was the line I was supposed to be in and slowly made my way to the rear. This would take forever. I pulled out my phone and started on another game of Angry Birds. I had been killing evil pigs for almost five minutes when I began to feel like I was being watched. Sure enough I glanced up to see a large pair of deep blue eyes looking at me.

“You know, some psychologists say that technology is making us less social,” said the girl looking up at me. I couldn't respond. She had straight black hair pulled behind her in a long ponytail. She had a small, perfectly formed nose with what seemed like a sea of freckles on it. Even more freckles danced on her cheeks. She was several inches shorter than me, maybe 5’9” and had on tight jean shorts and a black tank top that exposed only the most tantalizing amount of cleavage.

“So I’m just starting to feel a little uncomfortable with you ******* me with your eyes like that,” she said with the smirk on her face that I would soon come to know.

“Sorry,” I said, a tiny grin tugging at the corner of my mouth, “You surprised me a bit.”

“I’m Clara. This is the point in conversation where you tell me your name.” I liked her already. She had confidence and wit that was both abrasive and attractive.

“I’m Jake, pleased to meet you.” ****, I was smooth, like a wagon over rocks. “Are you a freshman too?”

“Yep. Just got here. I don’t think this line is moving.” I really liked the way little dimples appeared at the corners of her mouth even when she frowned slightly.

“It really doesn't seem to be. At least I have pleasant company,” I said. Oh man I was so smooth! I was really proud of myself right there. Flirting was hard with pretty girls, they seemed to throw me off balance.

“Well, that was the least offensive flirting I've heard all day,” she replied. Good gosh this girl was straightforward. “It’s a good thing you’re cute or I might not have accepted that.” Cute. Okay, I could work with cute. “So you’re in psychology 1000?” she asked.

“Nope, I took that during high school.” I replied. Why would she ask that?

“Well, you’re standing in the psychology book pickup line.” She said with a slightly puzzled look on her face. I definitely was not in psychology.

“Oh, Psychology! I, uh, I thought you said, uh, philanthropy. Nope, I’m definitely in the right line." Okay, that was a lie and I was at least 100% sure philanthropy was not a class. But hey, I was under pressure. She looked at me like I was slightly on drugs but moved on without hesitation.

We talked about various meaningless things while the line crept closer to the back of the store. The stunningly blue shade of her eyes made it very difficult to focus on conversation. When we got to the pickup window, she paid for her book and stepped to the side, watching me. I decided to bow out of buying a several hundred dollar book just to avoid looking like an idiot. I comforted myself with the fact that she might think it was funny.

“Soooo. I’m not really in philanthropy. Or psychology. I just didn't want to stop talking to you just yet.” I said with a sheepish grin. Luckily for me, she laughed.

“Alright then Mr. Jake, what books do you really need? Maybe we can go stand in line again.” I listed off several books that I needed for classes.

“Calculus. I need that one as well. Come on silly.” She turned her back and started walking. I followed right on her heels, a goofy grin plastered all over my face.

That was my first interaction with Clara. We spent the next two hours gathering all of our books, and at the end I carried her rather large pile back to her dorm room. I was promptly rewarded with her phone number and some cookies that her mom had packed.


“Hey. What about this one?” Clara’s voice comes from beside me. I lean over to look at the paper again.

“This time just take the anti-derivative of cosine and solve for x.”

“Oh right. That's the last one.”

“What do you want to do now?” I ask.

“How about we go to your room and see if we can make your roommate uncomfortable enough to leave?” She says with a mischievous grin, bringing those deep blue eyes nearer to mine. She always seems to find an excuse to kiss me.

My whispered words fall softly,
Upon downtrodden ears.
Even now I wipe away,
Your quarter crystal tears.

You come to me in the silence,
Your anguish knows no bounds.
I hold you and I love you,
Listen to your tearful sounds.

I run my fingers through your hair,
Tell you it will be alright.
Clutching you tight against me,
As you shiver through the night.

When morning comes I wake you,
Beautiful as you sleep.
I try to imagine the terrors haunting,
While you sink in dreams so deep.

I take your hand and raise you up,
And show you to the sunlight.
I hold you tightly, yet again,
You made it through another night.

I pack you up, gather your things,
The ones left laying by the door.
I whisper gently, yet again,
And pick you back up off the floor.

I can't help but help you,
Your tears scald my heart.
I can't help but hold you,
When you beg me play the part.

---------

So many nights I held your hand,
Trembling but unbroken.
I learned to love you a little more,
With every heartache spoken.

Every time you found affection,
It brought you so much pain.
I died just slightly, every time,
I watched you circle the drain.

Sometimes I spoke harshly,
And let my rage fly loose in ink.
But never did I hate you,
When you pushed me to the brink.

I'm sorry for those days of anger,
I just couldn't take it all.
Just as soon I held you close,
When you would stumble and fall.

It's been five long, painful years,
That I lived and breathed for you.
I'll still hold you, dear Madeline,
Though our time is all but through.

The pain I feel at our parting,
It tears away a part of me.
Now I must trust in you,
As I am forced to set you free.

I hope you can remember the nights,
And live them through with memory.
Remember sunlight and your daisies,
Please, live amongst life's beauty.

--------

My whispered words fell softly,
Upon your delicate ears.
I hope that I served my purpose,
Easing your midnight fears.

I ran my fingers through your hair,
I told you it would be just fine.
Clutching you tight against me,
Your tiny body trembling against mine.

You grew so much in that time,
I hope you now see the beauty of life.
Remember that I will always love you,
Forever my friend, in darkest night.

Haunted by a terror past,
Hope blooms for futures bright.
I whispered words in the silence,
Just so you lived another night.

What fear, what fear,
What fear to turn the page.
I know not there nor here,
I fear nothing but a cage.

Onward, onward,
Let the climbing never cease.
When silence goes unheard,
The climb has reached its peak.

Such tears, such tears,
So haunting as they fall.
Numbering the wasted years,
And each unanswered call.

Finality, Finality,
Finally it is near.
Become the abnormality,
The dreaded cage is here.

Blood stains have dried,
Battlefield gone silent.
A war has waged,
The peaceful turned violent.

Weapons used and abused,
They litter the ground,
The bodies removed,
Leaving only empty sounds.

A winner. A winner?
Who can win such games?
The blood pain poured out,
Tribute to misguided aims.

The winner lies in who lives,
Who manages to survive.
He that learns to love the war,
Lies on the winning side.

This war was not ordinary,
No quibbling little parts.
This was war of the worst,
That of two bitter hearts.

The battlefield, now in ruin,
Was not always so.
Once it was a field of beauty,
Where life and love did grow.

Slowly, slowly, over time,
The field began to die.
The caring became careless,
Battle beginning with a lie.

Skirmishes and little tussles,
First seemed so ordinary.
But each ended without resolve,
Leaving both sides wary.

Then finally a skirmish broke,
Into what both had feared.
It seemed then the war begun,
The ending quickly neared.

Full fledged attacks, raining down,
Left wounds open and bleeding.
Pain and hatred flowed together,
To watch the love receding.

Tirelessly both sides battled,
Seeming doomed to contend.
Until the day the black notes played,
And one side saw an end.

He saw that she now loved the pain,
Got high on each ****** drop.
He knew that to continue was loss,
That it all must come to stop.

He won the war by losing,
By losing the last of his heart.
He crawled away, clutching scars,
Knowing he must depart.

A winner, winner? Yes indeed,
It is he who can survive.
She lost herself to the blood lust,
And he scarcely saved his life.

I was he who crawled away,
I lost my heart by choosing.
Though scars still remain,
I won the war by losing.

5** Years
1825 Days
43800 Hours
2628000 Minutes
157680000 Seconds

Of my life.

That is how much you took from me.
The time I spent dying.
That is how much I gave for you.
The time I spent trying.

That is how long that I have dreamed.
The time I spent away.
That is how long it took me to understand.
The time I spent delayed.

Forever doesn't seem so long,
Once the water finally clears.
The filth all swept down the drain,
With imaginary tears.

The story of the hero,
Though mournful to behold,
Does bring to light a glorious end,
The one I soon will hold.

Five long, sad, years,
Spent in something like misery.
They shaped the person I've become,
They defined the who of me.

They cured me of all weakness,
Of hope and love and light.
They broke me down and built me up.
Inspiring confidence to flight.

Nearly two thousand days,
Not one did miss a thought of you.
Such emotion did they inspire!
But alas I made it through.

I know those days to be over,
For you are left behind.
Twenty four hours passed,
Not a hint of you on my mind.

Forty thousand hours,
What a joke that number seems.
Yet over ten thousand,
Spent seeing you in my dreams.

Now hours are spent alive,
Full bodied and whole.
None spent lost in hopeless dreams,
Warm bodies against the cold.

Millions of minutes you ruled my heart,
You who governed my desire.
I laugh aloud at the thoughts,
Of the weakness you inspired.

Looking back at me, I can see,
Each moment spent a mistake.
But as is the nature of such things,
Those again I'll never make.

A hundred million seconds.
That is how long I loved you.
Up until the very last,
I knew it to be true.

Like forbidden fruit on sweetest vine,
I truly wished to partake.
But through the years, days, hours, minutes, seconds,
You were my biggest mistake.