And I said, “I’ll never love anyone.”
And he said, “What about me?”
And I said, “You’re the only exception.”

Don't save his sweet texts.
Don't read them when you miss him.
Don't claw back to him.

I often repost
Poetry tagged ****. He thinks
It's for him. Foolish.

No not stupid
You stupid
Me learned.
No not drunk.

What about more lines
Than just four?
One more?
Two more?
Change in form and
Stanza size.
What'd your English teacher say?

*******, *******,
Don't care, won't listen.
You don't mean nothin' - nowt at all.
Oh look back to four.

What do people write about?
There's a girl here wearing heels
To a relaxed creative thing.
Do I write about that?

Do I write about 'love'?
But I don't believe in it.
Go on then: green fields, pretty skies, blue-eyed boy.
Melt my heart.

Or nature: the pastoral, eh?
A green thought in a green shade.
Be conscious of the spilled blood that went into the making of the wild sky.
Sheep and cows and trees and England and dear God what is that smell?

Dr Evans said the last thing is death.
To sink into the ground and be eliminated.
Forgotten and remembered.
I should very much like that.

Well, there you have it.
A poem about poetry.
Call it postmodernism
But really I'm just bored.

My memories have
A tendency to be vague.
I remember Chris.

You destroyed me,
And I let you.
You lit a fire within me
I mistook for the passion
Of poets
And I let it eat me up
And consume the light from my eyes
Until nothing was left.
I mistook you for a hero
When all you were was a person;
no better, no worse than anyone.
And I loved you.
I love you still,
And always will.
And that flame consumes me
Even today,
Because a misanthrope like me
Cannot help but romanticise such things.
That fire burns like the blood that runs between us,
And I mistook it for the fire
That warms the soul and the hearth;
That flickers between friends;
When in truth,
You were merely a lighter
To a pathetic piece of paper.

You never gave me a choice
When it came to who I fell for.
Of course it would be you,
You sad piece of beauty.
You, who I could spend time with
Always, for the rest of my life.
I've got a picture of you in my mind
And I hope it never fades;
One of you in all your imperfection,
Because, darling, I do see your flaws too.
I’m not blinded by you.
You’re not dazzling in any way, but
I hope I never lose that feeling I get
When you text me first.
And the thing is,
I’ve always thought that all love does
Is end

But with you
It’s never going to start.
You’re already in love with someone else,
So we can’t even fall apart.
I can’t even hurt properly.
I can’t even hate you,
I can’t even come away with a
Cute story
To tell my daughter.

I am back to me;
Alone in a coffee shop,
Weeping and drinking tea.

I've always loathed the
Outward pretence that you don't
Give two ***** for me.

Trying not to feel
Like **** because you text her
First and not me. 'Ex.'

Seeing you again
And having you come up to me
And giving me a hug
Was a
Blast into the past
I didn't need.

It was
Feeling loved
All over again
And
Seeing you able to smile
At me
Made me feel
Less than nothing.
I mean
Nothing
To
You.

And there is nothing worse than that.

I want to cry.

You know it's bad
When a simple
Two-note ringtone
Feels like
A shard of glass
Slowly edging its way
Into my heart.

That ringtone means
Trying not to anger you;
Dancing around you
To keep things okay.
But it also means
That you still
Want to talk to me.

And the really ******* stupid thing
Is that that means
More than his I love yous,
More than nights spent with him,
More than countless messages from him.
One text from you
Makes everything better

And worse. Again.

Flowers are falling
From the sky today. I sit
On a cloud, wave 'bye.

Love is...*

Fun, right? Ha.
Enjoyable? Some luck.
Glorious? That’s one word for it.

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…”
Passionately. That is all.
I am you; how could I not be?
I have no choice in this matter,
And now I must wait for you
Here, underground.

How could you leave me
For three years? To fend for myself.
I needed you at the wedding,
To reassure me that I was doing the right thing.
I missed you.

O! Never separate us again –
My life, my love, my soul!
I will wait here, eternally,
Until we meet again

And I can exact my revenge.

Like sodium to
Water. Young and reckless with
Our hearts and ourselves.

Staring at your name is
Green at the end of a dock on the other side of a bay.

Nights in the kitchen are
Yellow like a monster's skin.

My lipstick stain on your cheek is as
Red as a letter on my shirt.

Fighting with you is
Black like thick blood, clotting on a London street.

Your eyes match my eyes;
Blue as an evening party.

Our love was as violent as
Violet, tying her hair up with a thought.

And shame was
Grey, like Oliver's porridge.

You

You told me you loved me by
Begging me to stop
Begging me to break up with him
Begging me to look after myself
Begging me not to **** myself
Three texts in ten minutes if I didn't reply
Begging me to reply
Watching Doctor Who with me
Getting drunk with me and letting me kiss you
But harassing me about it the next day.
Your I love you was implicit and beautiful
And all without the use of those startling words.

Him

He tells me he loves me by
Telling me not to stop
Putting his arm around me when someone looks at me funny
Kissing the back of my neck when my shoulders hurt
Telling me that he'd be devastated if I killed myself
Not texting me because I'll see him later anyway
Not minding if I don't reply because who cares?
Watching The Hobbit with me
Not drinking but kissing anyway
And kissing and kissing and kissing.
His I love you is explicit and beautiful
And a drunken confession burst on his lips.

You and Him*

Both of you
Tell me you miss me
Tell me you care about me
Tell me I can talk to you
Worry about me
Act evasive
Let me stay at yours when I'm upset
Sit up with me until we can fall asleep
Even when that time is 5am.
And yet somehow
I only believe him.

Someday
I will be able to drive past
Dunfermline
Glasgow
Sheffield
Without remembering you.
They will just be,
Once again,
Places on a map
To which I have no connection.

Not that I have any
Tangible connection
To them now,
Of course.
It's just you.
Not that I have any
Tangible connection
To you either,
I suppose.

What a pity.

And maybe someday
I will be able to come home
Without hurting that
I am no longer coming home to you.
However much I wish
That weren't true.

Everything is more beautiful because we are doomed.

You will never be lovelier than you are now,
Here, in my arms,
Asleep.

I watch your eyelids flutter.
I hope that you are dreaming
Of us

In a different world,
Where we could be happy.
Together.

And I hold you,
Abhorring the knowledge that
tomorrow

We will never be this way again.

Piqué, piqué, piqué, pirouette.

Arabesque. I stand there and you spin me around en pointe.
You complete me. We dance and the music is like the background
To our focal point.
We are the centre stage.

Echappé, échappé, relevé.
Pas de chat ensemble.
Repeat à l’autre côté.

You take your hands from my waist now.
We need to complete the choreography.
And I feel lonely without you,
Although you are just on the other side of the room,
By the stereo.
I miss you.

Dancers fall for their partners all the time,
So I will never tell you how I feel
Because love will be the thing to tear us apart.

When it comes to you
I am always torn between
Good luck with the future
And
Go **** yourself.

Of course I send neither.

Agony is when
You make me feel so wanted
Then go back to her.

Depression is all
About if you loved me, you
Would. But you wouldn't.

It's always me who
Makes the effort but to hear
From you makes my life.

Hey.
Don't mind me.
I just wanted to tell you
That it takes everything in me
Not to call you.
Nothing important.
I just wanted to ask,
Please forgive me
When I bump into you
And can't resist sending you something.
Please don't ever reply.
Because we were such a mess;
I'm much happier this way.
But yet, in my dreams,
Your face is buried in the crook of my neck
And you're asking me
If I want to try again with you.
And there is a sliver of meat in my heart
That beats for you;
That longs for me just to press 'call'
And it really does take all of my energy
To call him instead.

(Because I hope you know that,
If you're wishing I'd pop up on your screen,
If you're almost calling me,
I'm almost calling you, too.

But you're probably not.
So don't ever reply to me.
Don't you dare.)

I was drunk,
And I told you I love you.
When I was sober,
You asked if I meant it.

I said no.

I think I love you the most
When you are drunk
And a little sad
And hurting.

I think I love you the most
When you giggle more
And tease me slightly
To show but hide that you're not okay.

I think I love you the most
When you're wearing that adorable
Big grin
That just makes me want to kiss you.

I think I love you the most
When you don't,
Not even sarcastically,
Order me to leave.

I think I love you the most
When you don't bully me
Or glare at me
Or tell me to shut up.

I think I love you the most
When you're just sweet you
And you tell me things
And stories about everything.

I think I love you the most
When you're angry at yourself
Because you mean the things you say.
Wonderful.

I think I love you the most
When you're slightly drunk
And instead of letting me leave
You pull me down next to you.

I think I love you the most
When you don't wrap your arm around me
Because that would be cheating
But you let me stay close.

I think I loved you the most,
More than I ever will again,
Last week.

Hello, love.
Here we are again
At the end of a page,
End of an era.
The minutes are flying by now,
Being eaten as the crow flies.
I don't want to go.
But I must.
I miss you.
I love you.
Look at all the things that should have been
But never were.
I miss you.
I love you.
Goodbye, love.

Lonely part of me,
***-starved and kamikaze,
Will need only you.

Rain shatters window.
Lightning flashes from above.
Think novels of you.

Yes, this word is worse than
*****,
Stupid,
Vapid.

Fat means
Unacceptable.
Outcast.
Ugly.

And I might have
‘Great legs’
And I might be
‘Thin’

But that doesn’t mean
The fear is not there.
It is forced upon us
By everyone

Until we are called
Insecure
And the cuts on my arms
Only make that worse

But we are also called
Vain
For only trying to love
What we are.

Relationships are
Mere blemishes on the skin
Of time. Nothing more.

The prompt says,
“A person whose life you’re curious about.”
I shall use this as an opportunity to mention
******* next door.
That is his name.
He knows I mean him.

You never ******* talk about anything
And you always say I lie to you
And so what if I do?
What good is it to tell you the truth
When you never tell me anything
And I have to worm it out of you?
Why does it matter?
It just ******* matters
Because I want to know you!
And yeah I like you like that
And yeah *** with you would be quite nice
But who cares?
You haven’t told anyone else
That you’re on a break with your girlfriend;
You never really talk to anyone else.
And yeah you just friend-zoned me
At the same time as throwing out the double-entendres:
You should be in a bed,
You said
A bed, yeah, I noticed
How you phrased that
So I left
And you followed me to the door.
And I don’t think you understand what I want from you.
But yeah I do find you attractive,
And yeah I’d quite like to *******,
And yeah I was trying to creep you out by saying that
But so what?
Because you said you don’t know what you want
And again, why tell me, tell her
Surely.
Is there something you want from me?
But you said no
And yeah I think you lied.
And yeah you said I’m a good friend
And I think that’s a lie too.
And I’m waiting for us to fall out again
Just like when you apologised
And I asked why
So you said next time you wouldn’t bother.
And then you didn’t reply
When I said you’re not any more special than anyone else.
And it’s just like when I said I didn’t think you liked me at all;
You got offended.
And yeah I like you
But so what?
I’m not trying to get in the way of anything;
Do what you want,
It’s your life,
I’m just curious.
And why text me of all people?
Of course I don’t know
But did you text the other girls
So much over the holidays
Really?
Decide what you want.
You know what I want.
I don’t mind being friend-zoned
If that’s all you want
But I don’t think it’s all you want.
I just think you need to decide
If you do ‘love’ her.
And did I have something to do with it?
Was it on the 5th?
Is that why you were mad at me?
Why did you take it out on me?
Yeah I can be over-sensitive
But you can be a ****.
Sometimes you’re such a child.
And you say I need to grow up
But so do you.
And, God, I’d really like to do you
Which is why it’s so ******* complicated!
So yeah I’m trying to get over you.
And you ask what I’m thinking and it’s nothing
But you don’t believe me
And why not?
It’s the truth.
And whenever I’m around you
Yeah you ******* terrify me
Because I’ve never wanted someone this much
And you’re only next door
And did I ever tell you I love your hugs
And the way you smell
And your hands
And isn’t that really ******* creepy?
But at the same time
I hate how you patronise me
And tease me
Just because I’ll react badly
And yeah you’re a bully
And yeah you treat me like **** sometimes
But somehow I forgive you
Because when everything's fine,
It’s really fine.
I just wish you weren’t so much of an ****,
Or at least I wish I knew why you’re so much of an ****.
And basically, that’s what goes on in my head.

Every time I see you.

Your turn.

I knock on your door.
Lean back against the wall.
Wait.

You answer.
Smile.
Hi.

You hold the door,
Let me walk past you.
But before it swings shut

I am pressed against the wall
And your lips are everywhere.
My legs around your hips

You kiss me
Down my neck
Over the mark he left.

Mine.
Yours.
Forever.

And I can see stars
In your eyes
Ad infinitum.

And I can see scars
On your arms
Bleeding.

And you lean back slightly
Breathless
And our horizons meet

As the sky splits open.
Together
But not forever.

Lights over Dundee
Will no longer be ours
And far-flung dreams

Like this one
Will never happen.
Skinny love;

I've been calling for months now
And you never left any messages.
You've got some kind of nerve
Taking me now.

You really loved me,
Didn't you? Darling, dear, love.
(Past tense slices souls.)

He has such soft hands.
Your hands are tough but they are
Always where mine belong.

Oh, no, baby,
You're burning up
And speaking in lyrics again.
Darling, just kiss me,
I can make everything alright;
For a little while at least.
I miss you, baby,
Tell me what you need
And I won't hesitate.
Would you risk it all for me?
Any day, baby, any day.

I have lived my life
Trying only to do right.
Here, be home with me.

If someone told me
You would leave just like that, I'd
Probably punch them.

It feels like
You reached into my chest
And at first, anyway,
Caressed my heart;
Boosted it;
And made it grow stronger.

And so I opened up to you;
Trusted you;
Fell for you.
Remember when you told me
That people can't help who they fall for?

Well I think
That those we fall for
Could help us not to fall for them
By being less kind-then-cruel.

Because now it feels like
You are still reaching into my heart,
But are clinging to it
As someone else tries to heal me;
And you are crushing it
Into tiny pieces
Slowly.
Oh, so slowly.
Is this really necessary?

A Public Service Announcement

1. You move to the country.
2. You're very skittish.
3. You're terribly embarrassed when someone mentions their name.
4. "Oh no, we're just friends."
5. Well... You just know.

A True and Historical Account
Oh, oh, oh,
Don't stop don't stop
Oh!

For Your Health
Never become attached to anyone and stay far, far away.
Then you will never need to know.

An Interview*
"How did you know, Madam?"
"I didn't, he just...proposed!"

He just...fits.

How many more ways
Can I tell you I need you?
You just ignore it.

The hardest thing
To put into words is
How you're feeling
When you don't know
How you're feeling.

You call me up again
Just to sing some lyrics.
You hang up
And I'm left hanging.
I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to say.
You're hurting bad, again,
And I don't know why.
Worse, I don't know
What you want me to do.

So I'm panicking because
There's a guy who really, really likes me
And he wants to make me happy
And what do I do with a boyfriend?
All I know is how to hurt people.

And here we are again
In the middle of the night.
You're asking,
"Would you drop him if I asked you to?"
And of course I would.

****.
Just ask.
Go ahead and ask.
Tell me what to do.
I don't have a clue right now.

But instead, this time
I say,
"*******.
"Quit using me."
And you say, "Thanks. Bye."

That's not what I want -
Oh God.
It hurts more when you're not here;
It hurts more than when you treat me like ****.
I don't know how to be without you.

So I go to his house
And as I kiss him
I think
What would happen if
I told him I love you?

Because I do, you know.
I told you I didn't
But I regret it.
Would telling you that
Fix this?

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

So much
So very much
So very very much
Oh yes
Oh yes

I have not smiled so
Hard in eleven months. God,
do I wish we were -

Why am I so hard -
So *******, ****, difficult -
Why don't you love me?

One of my favourite memories
- Of all time, in fact -
Is of us bickering in the kitchen.
(God knows what over.)
And as our voices got more heated,
And our bodies closer together,
And it was on the verge of becoming a row,
Someone yelled,
"Oh, just get married already!"
Now this is something I've heard before,
With many a friend,
But it has never before shut
Two people up
So instantly.
You and I always
Have something to say, but
The look we exchanged then,
As we bowed our heads
And returned to your washing up
And my cooking!
Not yet, I think.
Maybe in five years' time.

I thought you didn't
Want to talk because you're busy.
You don't want to talk.

The only person
I want to talk about
You to is you. ****.

No. No I am not
"Okay." I have never been.
Sure as hell; I'm fine.

I am dirt I am
Dust I am earth and soil and
Worthlessness. Nothing.