My memories have
A tendency to be vague.
I remember Chris.

hi i know i'm not
hannah or alison but
i do still exist

Trying not to feel
Like **** because you text her
First and not me. 'Ex.'

You only love me
When you are so off your face,
So drunk you can't see.

You're awake and not
Talking to me. I love you.
I cry and love you.

It's been a while but
I still feel the same. My blood
Is drowning in you.

He has such soft hands.
Your hands are tough but they are
Always where mine belong.

You are the best thing
About this place. You belong
Right here (in my arms).

If someone told me
You would leave just like that, I'd
Probably punch them.

I thought you didn't
Want to talk because you're busy.
You don't want to talk.

I have lived my life
Trying only to do right.
Here, be home with me.

Depression is all
About if you loved me, you
Would. But you wouldn't.

I wished you loved me.
A wish can't be granted if
It's already true.

I love you more than life.

Hurricane Bertha is raging outside,
Tearing down branches and trees and houses,
And still I know that
I love you more than comfort.

Today I have been the quirky girl
In the tea room with a friend;
Drinking fancy coffee and nibbling on cake.
I love you more than companionship.

I write poetry as introspection,
Reflecting on my miserable soul.
The rain races down the window, and
I love you more than language.

My darling, life means nothing to me.
It is fleeting and meaningless;
A futile endeavour.
Yet you are the reason I am still here.

I love you more than life itself.

You drunk texted me
Last night from Copenhagen.
I've missed that too much.

I miss you I miss
You I miss you I miss you
I miss you I miss -

If you wanted to
Talk to me, you would, right? I
Miss you more than air.

Rain shatters window.
Lightning flashes from above.
Think novels of you.

Loving you was so
Loud I can today hear you
Exit my shower.

Lonely part of me,
***-starved and kamikaze,
Will need only you.

You always ask me
Why I care for you so much.
Simply, I love you.

You really loved me,
Didn't you? Darling, dear, love.
(Past tense slices souls.)

Hello, love.
Here we are again
At the end of a page,
End of an era.
The minutes are flying by now,
Being eaten as the crow flies.
I don't want to go.
But I must.
I miss you.
I love you.
Look at all the things that should have been
But never were.
I miss you.
I love you.
Goodbye, love.

Another lonely night,
And I'm staring at the vast black sky.
It is the eve of my twentieth year
And I cannot help but compare it to yours.
A text at midnight; a present wrapped with a bow;
An I love you waiting, if you wanted it.
Here I sit, waiting as the hours roll by,
Jumping every time the phone rings
Because I hope not hope it is you.
You call me up so often, usually,
Just to break me like a promise.
You are back in the country,
I hear. Back to see me? No.
It is the eve of my twentieth year, dear,
And now I think I should stop writing to you.
This has gone on long enough, don't you think?
It is the eve of my twentieth year,
And a part of me left broken and unruly,
Not yet healed by mountains of therapy
And kisses and love,
Is aching only for you.
It is the eve of my twentieth year
And a part of me knows
That tomorrow I can **** myself.
No broken promises on my part.

You know it's bad
When a simple
Two-note ringtone
Feels like
A shard of glass
Slowly edging its way
Into my heart.

That ringtone means
Trying not to anger you;
Dancing around you
To keep things okay.
But it also means
That you still
Want to talk to me.

And the really ******* stupid thing
Is that that means
More than his I love yous,
More than nights spent with him,
More than countless messages from him.
One text from you
Makes everything better

And worse. Again.

No not stupid
You stupid
Me learned.
No not drunk.

What about more lines
Than just four?
One more?
Two more?
Change in form and
Stanza size.
What'd your English teacher say?

*******, *******,
Don't care, won't listen.
You don't mean nothin' - nowt at all.
Oh look back to four.

What do people write about?
There's a girl here wearing heels
To a relaxed creative thing.
Do I write about that?

Do I write about 'love'?
But I don't believe in it.
Go on then: green fields, pretty skies, blue-eyed boy.
Melt my heart.

Or nature: the pastoral, eh?
A green thought in a green shade.
Be conscious of the spilled blood that went into the making of the wild sky.
Sheep and cows and trees and England and dear God what is that smell?

Dr Evans said the last thing is death.
To sink into the ground and be eliminated.
Forgotten and remembered.
I should very much like that.

Well, there you have it.
A poem about poetry.
Call it postmodernism
But really I'm just bored.

Let's be mad, just dance together.
A crazy symphony in harmony.
I think they call it...
Fun!

Haha, isn't this great?
Big sad word: alive.
Words were funny, are funny, or will be -
Tenses were somewhere too. Somewhere? Everywhere.

Oooh, ain't you talkin' crazy?
We could get married, eh?
Have half a dozen kids and
Teach 'em to dance like us.

Let's leave, doll.
Get in the car and just drive.
Drop the top, doll,
Let me see the starlight.

O! An open road -
Reckless like Gatsby!
I feel it, the road getting narrower
The further we go.

Dance with me, doll,
Let's just dance.
Here in this state-side desert
Dance with me, inside me -

Well then, darling,
It's been - ah - fun.
We didn't get married, didn't have kids,
Didn't tell stories.

You'll always be my
Big 'what-if'
But it's not like I care.
It's not like you do, either.

So go home, doll,
We're drunk.
I missed you, miss you, will miss you.
Tenses again. I loved you.

I LOVED YOU.
I HATE YOU.
I WILL REGRET YOU.
I scream (screamed, will scream) to the Heavens.

Man. Chair. Pink.
Listen, listen.
I have something to say -
No, wait, it's gone.

Out the window, like my mind.
Red scarf, blue hat,
Don't match.
Sad.

There's a crazy girl in the
corner, lining up straws.
Ha! Not crazy, ketchup crazy.
Ha! That's me.

Bright, burning RED
I see it through the darkness;
The only real thing
There, tying me down,
Holding me still.
RED RED RED

And now the sun glows ORANGE.
Rising in the sky
Like a God.
Apollo in his chariot,
Looking down on us.
ORANGE ORANGE ORANGE

The sky fades to YELLOW
Now, a peculiar, ugly colour. I like it.
Your face lights up now,
Looks better this way.
The tinge of your skin -
YELLOW YELLOW YELLOW

I see you in GREEN
When I think of you.
And I think of you often.
I think of you hopefully, longingly, jealously.
I can't help it.
GREEN GREEN GREEN

They say that BLUE
Is a cold colour,
But no, it is warm. It is the sea and the sky and the summer.
They say your favourite colour is that of your true love's eyes.
Guess you're not my true love. Ah well.
BLUE BLUE BLUE

You gave me INDIGO
Roses on the first of our birthdays we spent together.
You'd tried to dye them my favourite colour
But of course it hadn't worked.
I laughed at your failure. Loved you for it.
INDIGO INDIGO INDIGO

Skies of VIOLET
Are breathed upon us by the cruellest of months:
April.
At the twilight hour the cold, callous evening
Tears you from me. Go back to her, then.
VIOLET VIOLET VIOLET

These are the colours that bind us together.
These are the colours that tear us apart.

Someday
I will be able to drive past
Dunfermline
Glasgow
Sheffield
Without remembering you.
They will just be,
Once again,
Places on a map
To which I have no connection.

Not that I have any
Tangible connection
To them now,
Of course.
It's just you.
Not that I have any
Tangible connection
To you either,
I suppose.

What a pity.

And maybe someday
I will be able to come home
Without hurting that
I am no longer coming home to you.
However much I wish
That weren't true.

The few times
I've seen you recently
(Thrice, I think)
I have had to lie to him
About it.

And it's hilarious,
Really,
Because you always said
I was **** at lying,
But I think that

It's just because
You
(Even today, when we don't talk)
Know me painfully well;
Better than anyone.

You and me;
Our souls are the same.
So we both know
When we lie
And I hate

That I don't think
Anyone will
Know me
So well
Again.

It feels like
You reached into my chest
And at first, anyway,
Caressed my heart;
Boosted it;
And made it grow stronger.

And so I opened up to you;
Trusted you;
Fell for you.
Remember when you told me
That people can't help who they fall for?

Well I think
That those we fall for
Could help us not to fall for them
By being less kind-then-cruel.

Because now it feels like
You are still reaching into my heart,
But are clinging to it
As someone else tries to heal me;
And you are crushing it
Into tiny pieces
Slowly.
Oh, so slowly.
Is this really necessary?

Would someone
Please
Care to tell me
(And I'm being serious here, guys,
Because I really have no clue)
Why love
Has to hurt
So much?

Would someone
Please
Care to tell me
(And I'm being serious here, guys,
Because I really have no clue)
Why you can so easily
Act okay
Around me?

Would someone
Please
Care to tell me
(And I'm being serious here, guys,
Because I really have no clue)
Why you don't seem
To know who I am
Any more?

Would someone
Please
Care to tell me
(And I'm being serious here, guys,
Because I really have no clue)
Why you think it's okay to text me
When you need me
But not the other way around?

Would someone
Please
Care to tell me
(And I'm being serious here, guys,
Because I really have no clue)
Why love
Has to hurt
So much?

When it comes to you
I am always torn between
Good luck with the future
And
Go **** yourself.

Of course I send neither.

Just unfriend me.
(*******.)
It's not like I get
Waves
Of missing you
Any more.

(They're more like tsunamis.)

I hope you not only
Delete my number
But block it too
So if I drunkenly
(Stupidly)
Text you
You won't get it.

(Because I still text you a lot.)

And I hope you and
The others
(Those *******)
Meet up in August.
Go to the Fringe;
Have fun.
And I hope you don't notice
My absence.

(Because I notice yours every day.)

I hope you bump into
My old uni bestie
(At Glasgow)
And don't remember
That you met her through me.

(I know exactly how I first met you.)

I hope you never see
My post in halls
(If it still gets sent there)
Again.
Never see my name
Again.

(Every time I order take away I see yours.)

I hope you can look
Her in the eye.
(Never tell her another lie.)
Love her.
Hold her.

(Like you'll never do for me.)

And oh -
Something else.
I hope you burn
With pain
And hurt
And anger
And I don't wish you ill,
But ******* hell
I do not wish you well.

I hope your tsunamis of
Depression
Remind you of me
And of how well I knew you
And of how fighting with me
Used to make you feel
Better about yourself and

I hope to all the Gods in all the worlds
That it kills you inside.

I knock on your door.
Lean back against the wall.
Wait.

You answer.
Smile.
Hi.

You hold the door,
Let me walk past you.
But before it swings shut

I am pressed against the wall
And your lips are everywhere.
My legs around your hips

You kiss me
Down my neck
Over the mark he left.

Mine.
Yours.
Forever.

And I can see stars
In your eyes
Ad infinitum.

And I can see scars
On your arms
Bleeding.

And you lean back slightly
Breathless
And our horizons meet

As the sky splits open.
Together
But not forever.

Lights over Dundee
Will no longer be ours
And far-flung dreams

Like this one
Will never happen.
Skinny love;

I've been calling for months now
And you never left any messages.
You've got some kind of nerve
Taking me now.

You

You told me you loved me by
Begging me to stop
Begging me to break up with him
Begging me to look after myself
Begging me not to **** myself
Three texts in ten minutes if I didn't reply
Begging me to reply
Watching Doctor Who with me
Getting drunk with me and letting me kiss you
But harassing me about it the next day.
Your I love you was implicit and beautiful
And all without the use of those startling words.

Him

He tells me he loves me by
Telling me not to stop
Putting his arm around me when someone looks at me funny
Kissing the back of my neck when my shoulders hurt
Telling me that he'd be devastated if I killed myself
Not texting me because I'll see him later anyway
Not minding if I don't reply because who cares?
Watching The Hobbit with me
Not drinking but kissing anyway
And kissing and kissing and kissing.
His I love you is explicit and beautiful
And a drunken confession burst on his lips.

You and Him*

Both of you
Tell me you miss me
Tell me you care about me
Tell me I can talk to you
Worry about me
Act evasive
Let me stay at yours when I'm upset
Sit up with me until we can fall asleep
Even when that time is 5am.
And yet somehow
I only believe him.

It is five to midnight
And by this time
On any given day
This time last year
I would have a text from you
Asking to share the evening
Over a movie.

And today I saw you
And looked you in the eye
For the first time in a while
And I asked you to text me when you're back
Like you used to
Because once upon a time

I was the first person you would text.
I was the one who knew where you were;
How you were;
Who you were.
And you looked at me
And I looked at you

And our hug was so empty.
There was no squeeze;
No head against my shoulder
And maybe it was because my friend was there,
Or maybe it's because you've forgotten
That I used to be number one on speed dial.

"Of course I won't forget you."
Yet here we are
And I looked at you
And you looked at me
With your pool blue eyes
And hands that used to play me like a violin

And I didn't ache for you.
I ached for a year ago;
For things that should have been but never were
But I managed to plough on through
And think that what I have now
Is almost as good.
Text me, sometime, darling.

Seeing 4am is a habit
I thought had
Died
With you.

Yes.
I do miss you.
And that,
Above all,
Is what I am
Most sorry
For.

Seeing you again
And having you come up to me
And giving me a hug
Was a
Blast into the past
I didn't need.

It was
Feeling loved
All over again
And
Seeing you able to smile
At me
Made me feel
Less than nothing.
I mean
Nothing
To
You.

And there is nothing worse than that.

I want to cry.

It was also
TARDIS blue
Dark Knight black
Balloons
Flying houses
Hugs
Falling asleep holding hands
Staring at your lips
Staring at my lips
Sweeney Todd slicing necks
Singing, singing, singing
Coldplay
Ed Ed Ed
(writing with Taylor was the worst move he ever made)
Opinion
Laughter
You're wrong
You're wrong
I'm sorry
You're not sorry
You're never sorry
I love you
Please don't
I won't
Doctor Who?
Doctor Who.

Staring at your name is
Green at the end of a dock on the other side of a bay.

Nights in the kitchen are
Yellow like a monster's skin.

My lipstick stain on your cheek is as
Red as a letter on my shirt.

Fighting with you is
Black like thick blood, clotting on a London street.

Your eyes match my eyes;
Blue as an evening party.

Our love was as violent as
Violet, tying her hair up with a thought.

And shame was
Grey, like Oliver's porridge.

People ask,
"When did you fall in love with him?"

And I reply,
"I think it was
That time
We watched Monty Python
Together
At 2 a.m."

And the award for
The best lie
Goes to...

You

For making me believe
That you were capable of
Caring
About me.

Shall we hear your speech?

What hurts
Is that
You looked
Genuinely
Happy
To see
Me.

Please oh God I just want to hear your ringtone call me call me love me please oh God

You destroyed me,
And I let you.
You lit a fire within me
I mistook for the passion
Of poets
And I let it eat me up
And consume the light from my eyes
Until nothing was left.
I mistook you for a hero
When all you were was a person;
no better, no worse than anyone.
And I loved you.
I love you still,
And always will.
And that flame consumes me
Even today,
Because a misanthrope like me
Cannot help but romanticise such things.
That fire burns like the blood that runs between us,
And I mistook it for the fire
That warms the soul and the hearth;
That flickers between friends;
When in truth,
You were merely a lighter
To a pathetic piece of paper.

Hey.
Don't mind me.
I just wanted to tell you
That it takes everything in me
Not to call you.
Nothing important.
I just wanted to ask,
Please forgive me
When I bump into you
And can't resist sending you something.
Please don't ever reply.
Because we were such a mess;
I'm much happier this way.
But yet, in my dreams,
Your face is buried in the crook of my neck
And you're asking me
If I want to try again with you.
And there is a sliver of meat in my heart
That beats for you;
That longs for me just to press 'call'
And it really does take all of my energy
To call him instead.

(Because I hope you know that,
If you're wishing I'd pop up on your screen,
If you're almost calling me,
I'm almost calling you, too.

But you're probably not.
So don't ever reply to me.
Don't you dare.)

Hey
Remember that time
You told me,
"I don't know what I'd do
If you weren't around."

Hey
Remember that time
You told me,
"I wouldn't have made it through
Last year without you."

Hey
Remember that time
You told me,
"Please don't. Please don't.
Please don't **** yourself."

Because I do.
And now we don't talk.
And I listen to a playlist
That reminds me of you.
And I cry.

Palimpsest
is a word that means
reused or altered
but still bearing visible traces
of its earlier form.

I think that that is
a good metaphor
for me
after you left me.

Feminists will disagree
(you haven't been used;
people can't be used up.
You're not a quota).
But I was after you left me

Because
you changed me
so completely
that even my music taste
tastes of you

Despite me now
being used
differently (better)
by someone else.