she likes to draw on her body like a permanent tattoo.
but she has to feel the pain for it result

it is not a drug,
but she finds it addictive

she knows that it needs to be stopped,
but she needs something to calm her down,
especially to calm her mind down.

;

/2.30am/
she was shaking on the last couple nights.
she can barely sleep.
her head was hurt.
her heart was beating faster than ever.

she covered her face with a pillow,
and screamed as loud as she could, in silence

;

line by line she draws
hurtfully satisfying
then she decides to draw a line on her waist
a long strong one as a reminder of selfishness.

she lost her hope as the plane went down towards the ocean
in 400 knots

she closed her eyes right before she lost her heartbeat

I believe it was over months ago
But still
It feels like
You are here
And telling me

You miss my laundry scent

when I was still a younger me, let's talk when i was 19 or 20

heartache can be caused by losing a boyfriend

you know the pain right?
you know how hurt the pain is, right?

when I turned 21
the same kind of heartache still there
different man, different story, same heartache

still when I was 21
it happened on August 2018

I lost my grandpa, he passed away

heart attack, they said

it was hurt so bad and i can barely breathe
it felt hurt, but different kind of heartache.

-

then October 2018,
same thing, different person, happened

I lost my best friend on a plane crashed

it was terribly hurt

it felt hurt, but another different kind of heartache

-

and after that,

losing a living human is nothing but a pinch on my cheek.

I know that feeling,

When you're angry
    but dont want to hang up.

He makes you mad
    but still, you dont want to hang up.

He says something that annoy you
    yet still, you don't hang it up.

We tease each other
     and still, you dont want to hang up the phone.

We'll meet in the middle of nowhere
A place where only we know
With a secret route, we call it.

We'll meet in the middle of nowhere
A place where we plant sunflower seeds
With an untold feel, we call it.

We'll meet in the middle of nowhere
A place where bunch of monkeys live
With two monkeys telling jokes, we call it.

We'll meet in the middle of nowhere
A place where sand and saltwater meet
With us singing our songs, we call it.

And we'll meet in the middle of nowhere
A place where there's no one knowing us
With me and you, we name it.

meanwhile,
in the parallel universe,
we can be together right now
and holding hand in the middle of sunflower field.
or maybe,
we can be at the jazz bar
then i will be able to see you next to me
in the morning.

i see her on the cross of the street
smiling
and wave her hand

i see her on the cross of the room
laughing
and hold her stomach

i see her on the cross of the shadow
sitting
and say nothing

then i wake up and realize
she was there
praying
and hoping
as the plane touch the ocean.

thank you

for being the most

heartbreaking poems.


and i think

this is the time

to let you go,

for real.

I want to talk about you

About how sweet your smile is
And how deep your eyes are


I want to remember your every moves

About how you touch your hair
And how fast you walk


I want to keep memories about you

About how tight your hug is
And how soft your lips are


And i want to remind my self

About how i feel about you
And how grateful am i to met you

Under the sky, above the ground.
I keep standing where the sun goes down, so does my shadow.
The dust turn down, followed by its echoes
"Listen" I tell myself
"People may hear nothing but noises"

Wind blows, ocean waves, bird chirp from mountain faraway.
I hear them closely.

do you what is the most painful thing beside losing you?

having memories with and about you

then

when i talk about you

I'm sad but also happy at the same time