I don't want to be here.
I feel alone, rejected, and betrayed.
But where do I want to be?
That, I do not know.
"You look so happy in all your pictures!"
A picture tells 1000 words, including those of my misery.
"You sound so happy on the phone."
It's because you won't let me not be happy.
I can't be honest with you because you just get mad at me.
I want to be somewhere where I feel home.
Where friends aren't fake, and the drama isn't high school-esque.
"Just muttle through."
I don't know how much longer I can take until I break again.
So, no, I do not want to be here.

I wish there was a magic potion, a magic button, or with the snap of my fingers, a way I could forget you.
If only life were that easy, my mind would be butterflies and rainbows.
Not reminders of you and what you did or the last thing you said.
But here we are, that one road, a simple song, a mere activity, and you come rushing back into my mind.
All those promises, all those late night talks.
You can't tell me that it was all *pretend to you.
Because I know what we had was real.
What we had may not have conventional, but it was there.
There is no way you can deny those feelings, they were just too prominent to throw aside.
You see, you've managed to leave me in pieces, too broken to be mended back together.
Pieces that don't fit like a jigsaw puzzle.
I thought we had something but you left me with nothing and here I am, wondering why.
So ******* too, if you can be a ***** *so can I.
I've deleted your texts and I hate when you snapchat me.
You're sure as hell not getting any back.
**I wish there was a magic potion, a magic button, or with the snap of my fingers, a way I could forget you.

The last time you were here my fan was making that annoying clicking sound it always makes.
I stood up on the bed, pushed the fan, and it stopped.
You said, "see, you're an engineer too."
I just smiled as you pushed me and pinned me down to the bed.
Now it's been over a month since I saw you last.
22 days since you last texted me.
I just don't understand what you want from me.
To be honest, you made me believe that you were the one.
The one I'd let it all go to.
I pushed comfort zones,
I tried to be the right girl for you.
I guess I was wrong.
And now every time my fan makes that annoying clicking sound, I think of you, and how you told me I was an engineer too.
Except this time,
it won't stop clicking.

Take me somewhere new, I want to explore with you. Let’s go climb a mountain, let’s go jump off cliffs into waterfalls. Take my hand and lead the way, Mr. Adventurer. Let’s sit on a rooftop and make music. You with your guitar and me with my voice. Let’s stay up there so long we watch the sun set and the moon rise. Let’s stargaze, I’ll watch the way they twinkle in your eyes. Take me in your arms, wrapped together in a blanket on June 24th watching the night sky. We can fall asleep together to the sounds of the nearby ocean and wake up at sunrise to the bright clear skies. Hear the birds chirp and see them fly in their V-formation. Let’s just stay here all day, bundled up in each other. Let the hours pass by and eventually we’ll go get some food only to bring it back to the rooftop and watch the townspeople walk to the city and bike to the shore. Let’s go for a run. A run down the beach, stop to feed the pelicans, the one we named Steve. Who are we kidding, we don't know which one is Steve. But after these nights, you do know me. And I surely know you, Mr. Adventurer.

Losing a friend is like mourning a loved one.
Your heart breaks,
You can't spend more than a couple hours without thinking about them.
Then you see a picture, you have a memory, or you see them,
And it all comes rushing back.
The good, the bad.
Everything you want to remember and everything you don't.
But now you don't want to remember it at all.
You just want it all to go away,
For the memories to subside,
To be lucky enough to never see them around,
To never have them pass your mind.
Meanwhile, you're losing your mind.
You can't stop thinking about them or dreaming about them.
You can't suppress the memories because they were just too perfect.
Now you're left to wonder,
Wonder why they left,
Wonder what you've done.
But all you have left is a heartbreak that can't be undone.

You confuse me to no end,
Play games with my mind.
Yet I can never say no to you,
I always think we're fine.
It all started with a knock on the door,
Do you see why I have trust issues?
You're rude, degrading, and constantly make me feel like ****.
But all I want is to believe that you care,
That there's a friendship there.
I get it, we're friends, I don't want anything more either,
But it feels like you're on a quest to hook up with my friends,
And that you only want me when you're bored.
It's like I put you on this pedestal,
Because all I wanted was to feel something.
But you just make me feel like ****.
I feel like an object to you,
Like I'm nothing more than a piece of paper.
So why do I keep crawling back?
Why do I always say yes?
It's like I can't say no to you.
You've built property and you're here to stay.
I'm never kidding when I say you can leave,
And when I confront you, you blow it off.
So what the **** do you want from me?
Because I just want your honesty.