Feeling tendrils
Of insanity
Leak through my head
Down to my mouth
Everybody is surprised
To see me speak my mind.

theres just so much
I have wanted to say
Like what?
i I I I iii.... L-l.
I love you.*
You love me?

Today my once best friend
Asked me to take a picture
Of her and her friends.
I didn't.
Today I went shopping
And into the dressing room--
Not one out of 10 items fit.
Size twelve?
TWELVE????
No. That can't be. Not me.
But then again, I never thought
My best friend would shun me like that.

I promise I'm trying
To be perfect skinny
Like she can
To make my ***
Perfect like she can
To roll my hips like she can
I promise I'm trying
To make your jaw hit
The floor
Like she can.

Haven't felt butterflies
In two years
I've been a truly dead wasteland
For almost a year
But when she smiles at me
It's like my whole body becomes
*alive

I just want to lose myself
In a dance
With a bottle
In my hands
And a boy
On my hips.

I feel underwater
With time slipping by
Containing of headaches
And lies an kisses
And the only time I get to breathe
Is when I'm alone
And I can see where Im going
(down down down)
I feel useless
And unlovable
Im lost I'm my mistakes
And my torn heart
I lose myself in tears
And fast breaths

All that love is,
Is many emotions into one.
Lust, safety, trust.
Or
Anger, jealousy, desperacy.

When I was with him
He was bad
And beautiful
And dangerous
And my secret.
I saw through eyes that
Were hopelessly in love
With him.
I saw his bad qualitys
And quickly forgave them
When I heard his voice.

Now, I love him,
But not for who he truly is.
I love him for what I thought he was.
He didn't change.
But my eyes did.
My perception of him did.

And I see now who he is.
He is a skinny
Acne faced
Dug addict
Who takes the love of
****** closeness
And spends it time after time
With girls he doesn't know.

He is no bad boy.
He is a lost boy.
An I have grown too tired
Of his disappointments
To try to save him.

Small glances
Texts
And almost romances.
We were lovers from afar.
Were.
Now it's second chances
Long phone calls
And a promising romance.
I want it all.
Now it's
Yes I would run away with you
I want to--
But.
My family..
And that surprised me.
He would?
him?

I took his hand
He led me into the water
Wrapped his fingers around my throat
“I love it when you choke”

Maybe he doesn’t want to
Make love to me
**** me
Hold me kiss me
Be with me

Because I’m simply too fat
It hangs from my arms and chin
My fat weighs down every step
I take making the whole earth
Shake and shudder,

I’m tired of people saying
“You carry your weight well”

I’m tired of people saying
“She was prettier 2 years ago”

I’m tired of my boyfriend saying
“Not tonight, I’m tired”
Every night

Maybe the world would love me
If I lost 50 pounds,

Maybe I would love me
If I lost 50 pounds.

And maybe,
Just maybe,
I could breathe,
If I got all this weight off of me.

And I guess I kind of like
His big tan calloused hands
I like his stubble on his cheeks
I love it when he whispers
"Mi hermosa" in my ear
Because I am his beautiful then
I love it when his hands go around
My waist and he pulls me against
His sturdy chest
I like laying on a blanket
With him because
My head is on his chest
And his heart is
Still beating fast

"Hermosa, you're not actually thinking about it are you?"
What? Cutting? Yes. My wrist has been throbbing for some blood. For some **** relief. I like the perfect long cuts yes I do oh yes I like the blood in my shower drain. I think about it every time I see her and HER together mi corazon. Lociento. I cannot help it. My head aches right along with my heart oh Ray make it go away please please

I find the curve of your nose
To be beautiful
And how the corners
Of your lips turn when you talk
I love your eyelashes
And when you play dance with me

Your long blond hair
And your fingertips
Short fingernails
But
You're so perfect
All the same to me

I love it when you laugh
Into my shoulders
Cause I said something funny

And oh **** I love it
When you hold me
And whisper
I could stay like this forever

Cause my heart skips a beat
When you smile
After I whisper
*Me too

So let's get drunk
Off each others laughter
And kiss by the light of the moon
Let's roll in a meadow
And I'll even let you
**** a spider for me cause I'm scared
You'll pull out a couple of beers
And open them
Wink at me and take a big drink
I'll giggle at your silliness
Because a beer doesn't do anything
But it'll stay "our little secret"
Cause my parents wouldn't approve
And at the end of the night
We will have those three little words
Hanging at the tips of our lips
I
love
you.

When I see Mykayla with her arms around HER
I snarl in my head 'MINE'
When SHE laughs and kisses Mykayla's cheek
I snarl in my head 'MINE'
When I see them kissing
The tears on my cheeks are crying 'MINE'
That arm is supposed to be around me
I'm the one that's supposed to kiss her cheek
I'm the one that Mykayla's supposed to kiss
I'm the one, ******.
She's MINE.

Sweet and sticky
Soft and cinnamon
Yes yes
**** another cute ******
Wake up to a cinnamon roll.
Yes yes
Bitter and slick
Hard and sugary
Yes yes
**** another hot guy
Wake him up with your cinnamon roll.
Yes yes

She says
I don't deserve anybody
And a part of me believes her
I've been mean
I've let people down
I've cheated and lied
To the one I've loved
Im a monster
Wrapped in fair skin
And long blond hair
I'm a monster
With a sweet laugh
And shyness
I'm a monster
Who doesn't care
I'm a monster

"Love? Most of all I believe in love. Love is like oxygen, it lifts you up where you belong! All you need is love."

"A life without love? Why, that's horrible! A life without love is no life at all!"

"Freedom, beauty, trust, and love."

"Come what may, I will love you till the end of time."

"I hope you don't mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is now you're in the world."

"I was made for loving you baby you were made for loving me."

I'm trying to move on,
I promise.
But how can I?
When I still wish to wake up
In her arms?
How can I when I want to
Jump on her and kiss her
And yell "wake up wake up!"
And spend the day laughing loudly
And kissing and cuddling.
I cannot move on.
Not when I still miss her so much.

I hate the way I write.
The way I smile and laugh.
I hate my arms.
I hate my legs.

I think about tracing
My stretch marks with a razor
Because I'd rather have scars
Than stretch marks.

I think about scrubbing my back
Until it bleeds and my skin
Is down to its last layer.

I think about not eating
Until my stomach is
So empty all the air in it
Is what keeps me standing.

I think about the new me I could
Invent
With a more alluring look
And sure walk.

When I look in the mirror
All I see is fatfatfatfatfat.
Spilling over my jeans.
Resting on my thighs
When I sit.
Sitting underneath my chin
When I smile.

My upper arms are full of fat.
My shoulders as well.
I'm hunched over.

Crouching.

Embarrassed.

I hate all of you.
All but two of you.
I know my poems ****
But yours **** even worse.
All I see
Is pity me
And like my depression Poetry
No love
On here but desperate love
And I hate it.
It's one thing to write
About it once or twice
But after the tenth time
You forget how to rhyme
Maybe it's slime
Hoping you'll shine
And just those four lines
Sum up your artistic ability.
Sorry.

My most favorite thing
Is when they still have long hair
And dress like guys do now
Not super baggy pants
But not form fitting either

And you take them to bed,
Or, knowing stems,
They take you to bed.
And all that manliness
About them is still
Just barely there,
In the ***** of their shoulders
And the way their hands touch you

But then they get undressed
And it's the most beautiful
Combination
Of boy and girl.
They're so fresh and confident
But not cocky

They're respectful and talented
And it's like they try to only
Show the manly side

But then you get into bed
And it's like unwrapping
A present
That only gets better
Every time you unwrap it

A little piece of their femininity
Uncovered just for you,
In that moment only.

Im so ******* tired
Of my house
And it's 1900s
Morals
No *** till marriage
They say
No dating a girl
They say
No dating a black guy
They say
Well
*******
I can love who I want.

I love the look on your face
When you're driving
And how you hair looks
When I pull off your hat
I love your yawn
In the morning
And the first kiss you give me
When I see you
I love you when you're crying
Because I know I'm there to hold you
And being there for you
Is all I want sometimes.
I love your laugh
When I tickle you just right
And your eyes are closed
With your smile seemingly permanent
Begging me to stop...
I just...
I love you.

And I loved her with all my heart
My soul and body
But all my love
Is nothing
Compared to hers.
My love is worthless
Standing next to
Her love.
She is better.
Brighter.

I never thought I
Would have a miracle happen to me.
Never could a miracle
Such as amazing and awesome
As her happen to me.
But... It did.
And I thank god every day because--
I get to be hers and she gets to be mine
And she loves me,
She loves me!
And she tolerates me,
My body and my flaws, my mistakes.
She takes them stride by stride
Every day and for that I thank
My beautiful Disney princess miracle
For staying with me through
My ******* for one year and three months.
I love you baby. ❤️❤️

I sit in front of my mirror
And look at my skin
So strange to think
Of the hands still pressed
To my flesh
Of the lips imprinted
In jest and in love
In lust and in drunk
I'm thinking of
My skin and my lips
And where I've been
And where I've yet to be.

And the thing was
I was falling so hard for you
I had jumped off the cliff
Hoping you would catch me
At the bottom

I wore
Your necklace of hickeys
Around my neck

But once I saw the ground
And realized you weren't there
The necklace turned into a noose
And tightened right before
I hit the ground

My last thought was
How relieved I was you caught me
Even if if wasn't in the way
I wanted

Never have I ever
Felt so alone
Unloved
Never have I ever
Regretted something
This much
Never have I ever
Woken up
Still drunk
Never have I ever
Fallen out
Of love.

AM I SUPPOSED TO JUST FORGET EVERYTHING?
Your lips are burned into every inch
Of my body
Every single place you kissed
I feel like retching
Cause we are ended
And we ended like this
So hopeless
And numb
God I miss you so much
So ******* much
I love you
I love you
I love you
Your walk
And your laugh
How your eyes get squinty
When you get confused
I love your face when you sleep
And innocence is put in place
I love your bare shoulders
Your hands caressing
My face
How can I forget it
My own body betrays me
Longs for your touch
Slow dances
You swayed me

All it took was
Two days
To get her to leave her boyfriend
For me

What's wrong with me

She looked at me
Confusedly
Pulled her hand back up
Asked me why
I shrugged and apologized
I don't think anyone's
Ever told her no
To getting into their pants

Who knew that for us
"forever and ever"
Was only a year and a half.

If they could see inside my head
Tears would be spilled
In fact I don't think anybody
At all on earth
Would love me anymore.

Jealousy is the most
Insidious emotion
It eats you away like nothing else
Ever could

I have never felt this way
Where there is only one person
I hate and despise
And that's me.

                          I hate myself.
My body.
My mind.
My heart.

                               I feel dead.

As if a beauiful girl
Showering her love
And her awe to me
Wasn't enough.

                                I broke that girl.

With empty promises
Coming from a throat
Sore from screaming
At the world.

No, I couldn't leave her alone
But I needed to be alone
In the end.
I hate myself.

Im free.
But I'm not.
I can't let go.
I hate myself.

Things he couldn't do for me:
Hold my hand in public
Kiss me in public
Give me his shirts or hoodies 
Keep us exclusive
Wait to have ***
Wait for anything
Wouldn't role play
Say I love you in person
Try to see me
Make me feel loved
Ignore the other girls

Things he could do (and did):
Break up with me
Kiss me in private
Try to get me high 
Make me feel bad
Lie to me 
Date my best friend
Pressure me for ***
******* off
Flirt with other girls
Make me feel stupid
And insecure
And ugly.
He made me feel like I'd never be good enough. 
He made me cry and dry heave.
Be forgiven with a smile.
Make me hate myself.
Make me think; if I was truly beautiful, wouldn't he want me? If he thought I really was gorgeous and perfect, why was he with her? 
Why did you choose her that night?
I could feel the depth of my words that night. It scared me. Why did you lie? I told you I didn't care if you were flirting with other girls. 
That night you went to Alex's. Dated Amanda of all people. That lasted not even a month. 
It killed me seeing photos of you with her. Still does. You and her, smiling and laughing at the camera. You're her 'bro'. You teaching her to longboard. You promised me you'd teach me how to. I miss your smile before your braces. I miss your forearms. Every time I saw them I wanted to run my hands along them. I miss your hands, holding mine so tight my fingers and knuckles were white and purple. Their roughness on my bare ******* and ***.
 I wish ÿöü had snuck out on that night I was home alone. I wasn't ready to give you my virginity, but I was ready to make you happy. To make myself feel wanted. 
I regret not kissing you at that camp. If I could go back in time I would kiss you every chance I got. I would kiss your lips and neck, run my hands on your neck and chest and arms. Feel your power. 
I regret our last time kissing was over a year ago. I wish I could kiss you up until the point that me and mykayla started dating. 
I wish I had been braver and bolder. I wish I took the chances, I wish I went too far. I wish I had something more to regret than all that time wasted on not touching you

You bottle everything up
Until the last moment
And something as simple as
The Notebook
Happens
And you wish you could have that love

You sit there with silent tears
Scared to death
That "larger than life love"
Will never happen to you

Always remember to be
With someone who
Just wants you to be

Happy.

My head has hit
a ******* wall
I want to tear my hair out
And jump off
My house roof,
Going in head first to ensure
A snapped neck.
Because nothing matters
To them
Unless the word suicide
Is brought up.
And god knows I've been
Feeling up to it.

When will I be good enough
And not too much?

Will I ever be content
With this life I’ve built
With these strangers I
Call friends that surround me

I look in the mirror
Nothing seems to look familiar
Even my eyes have lost their life

They say don’t drink on an empty stomach
I think I will just so I can finally throw up

She isn't mine anymore
Isn't mine to have

You are my best distraction
Sweet honest Austin
With your hair
And those eyes
So good
So nice
But when the lights are turned off
And we have said our
Goodnights
I still bury my face in my pillow
And let out long wailing cries
Cause you can't really fix me
I long for my true makers hands
But fear keeps me at bay
I guess I'm forced to go
The straighter and conservative
Way.

She has been my friend
Since fourth grade
In sophomore year
It died out
A long lasting friendship
Turned to ashes
But now I took the step
I talked to her first
And now
We are reunited
In friendship.

I miss the days of long swirling breezy skirts
And missing teeth smiles.
I miss playing with my dog and eating the
Wild raspberries in the woods.
I miss carving pumpkins and being a princess.
I loved my parents old worn bed
And all my sisters barbies.
I can almost feel the warm sun on my back
And taste the cold ice cream in my mouth.
My sister teaching me how to stop a bike
By walking in front of me so I'd have to stop it.
More than once did I veer away and crash in the
Old sticker bushes.
I miss dads barbecue, and hating
Those bratwurst he cooked sometimes.
I miss my aunt and uncle, when they were still together.
I miss my cousins. And playing tag with them.
I miss the innocence of kissing by the swings
At recess, and blushing all day long.
I wish I could go back
To those simpler times,
When everything was black and white.
When my mind focused on my dolls hair,
Instead of focusing on work.
I miss my childhood and my new youth.
At the age of fifteen,
I already feel spent.

I am tired of sneaking out
And getting in his creaky old truck
Staying up so **** late
Sneaking back in at 6 am
And then getting drunk
Isn't me
Isn't fun
I can't sleep
I don't want to eat
A sickness in my stomach
Lurking to come.
Happy New Years,
Have more than a couple beers,
And regret it later.