Im wearing her favorite color
(green)
I can't believe it's been a year
Since she last took a breath
I can't believe
I thought I lived in a world
With Adrienne for three months
Then realizing she was dead
She had cancer, you see.
Her hair falling out,
Couldn't eat chocolate.
A two time state wrestling champion
Who couldn't help but stretch
The truth,
But I still couldn't help loving her like a sister.
She wasn't weak
Or sickly
Her crazy hair and showing ribs
Was just... Adrienne.
Nobody recognized
What she had was killing her,
Because she didn't seem to be dying.
I didn't see it coming.
I subconsciously had confidence
That her attitude
And love for life
Would pull her through
With barely a scratch.
Now I'm here with pictures of her
And notes on my camp pamphlet
From her
And she is gone and gone and gone
An I want her back.

When I fell in love with him,
I fell hard and young and oblivious.
I gave him everything
And he gave me empty promises
But he made me so nervous
My teeth would chatter.
I thought I had surely found the one
At the age of twelve.
And oh, it was love.
Those nights next to him
I could barely look at him.
There was tingling up and down my spine
And everything.
I thought you could only fall once.
Back then, I wanted to only fall once,
For him.

No, I'm not okay.
No, I'm not happier without you.

I just want to be with you.
Only you.
I love you.

You are worth more than every star
That has ever existed,
I want you more than the air I
Breathe through my lungs.

Your smile is worth more than a
Billion of mine.
One of your kisses better than
All past lovers' kisses combined.

I love you so much, it keeps
Me up at night
Knowing I cannot be yours anymore.
I toss and turn,
Waiting for a bleak sleep
To come so I can wake up
And start my bleak day.

You made me think my own father wouldn't love me.
im sorry.
I just want to go to bed now.
okay, can I have a hug?
No.

All I do is want and want want want—
So much it could eat me alive
If I’m not careful I will  
Swallow myself up whole
Without stopping to take a bite.

One day
I'll say shut up
To my mom
And my dad
I'll say *******
To their condescending words
*******,
Mom and dad.
Maybe success
In school isn't at the top of
List considering its
SUMMER.

I keep thinking
if I could just go back
But I can't go back
I can't ever rewind time
And I cry when I realize
Just how far back I'm stuck
In the past.

In all honesty,
I think he is a
Sad, sad man.

I try to make sense of all these
Things I feel
And why I feel them.
I should sit down
And make a list
Of my feelings
And who or what
Or why or when
I felt them.
Because my head is so full
And my heart is so empty
All I need is a
Pen and some paper
To save me from insanity

She was the realest thing I ever had
Made me feel so **** complete
Lying in her arms
And feeling her chest rise and fall
I thought to myself
"I could stay here forever"
And drifted off to sleep.
Now,
Our relationship,
I see,
Was built on a foundation of lies
And crying
Pulling away
And being too needy all at once
I see her in the hallway
And my heart breaks
Every time
Cause she passes me by
Without looking once
And I'm so entranced by her walk
That I have to stop and watch

It's crazy how
One person
One kiss
One smile
One touch
Can make your life feel
Perfect

Ill take a pair of scissors
To my face
And a blade to my wrists
Not an inch of my skin
Will be perfect
After this

You try to not look
Into their eyes
And get lost in their desperate kisses

Cause all that they are
Is a phantom of
What could've been.

I ask what am I?

He says You are poison.

I say I know.

He says sorry if that answer was bad.

I say *No, it wasn't a bad answer. It was a real answer.

Funny how
Forever
And always
Was crushed
After
A year and a half.

Isn't it
Hilarious
How
"you're beautiful"
Turns into
"you're a ****"?

How silly
That
"only you"
Turns into
"all of them".

How stupid
Of me
To think
We could last
Through it all.

I press my lips to yours
A caress; soft, gentle, malleable.
I am malleable.  
Pick me up, please,
Pick me, shape me, mould me
Tear me apart with your big strong hands.
The caress turning into a sting,
I feel relief when you hurt me so sweetly.

Don't let me in
Don't trust me
Don't love me
This might be real for you
But to me it's all
Play pretend.

I’m so starved for conversation
For a friend
I just really want a friend
I just need one
Just somebody who likes to be around me
And we can talk for hours or sit in silence
And still have fun
We could gossip and do each other’s makeup
And I could let them cry on my shoulder
And I could cry on theirs
And they would listen, really listen to me
And understand me

I am alone
I have no friends
Not even one
Nobody likes to be around me,
Or talk to me or even be in the same room as me.
I’m no fun.
I can’t gossip because I have no friends
And my shoulder is hard to cry on
And I cry too much for theirs
My problems are minuscule,
Nobody could empathize with me.

My sadness is a sea
I'm lost in it
Swirling with the current
Letting it take me
And the salt water
Tastes like my tears
That are on my pillow
I close my eyes
Every night
And dream
Of being happy
I reach for it
I try and grasp it
But I cannot quite reach it
My fingertips graze it
But then I fall back again
Into my sea...

I look at her
And wonder how
Such a perfect person
Could be created

I guess I always fall for
Blond hair
and
blue eyes

Too soon, oh too soon
did the bird leave her nest.
She flapped her wings,
Imagined she could fly.
Ne'er knew what failing would bring...
Until she hit the ground
With her last despairing cry.

And I did it.
I got an abortion.
I laid down that night and felt
My soft stomach.
Yesterday night,
Cells were multiplying
And they were becoming
Those little fingers and toes.
But I had to.
The women there were very supportive.
It's MY life.
MY choice.
MY baby.
But I'm going to miss
The feeling of love.
I turn around and lay on my side,
So I can't hold my lower belly.
That baby was my baby.
Now.... It isn't. It's gone.
It's dead. Was it even alive?
Did it have an heartbeat?
It soon would have.
And now I will never give birth to it,
Never hold it in my arms.
I can't watch them take their first step,
Or see their first smile or
Hear their first laugh or word.
I can't hold it when they cry,
Or pick out presents for their birthdays.
I'll never know that baby's
Personality,
I'll never be able to tuck it in at night
And sing it to sleep.
I can't check for monsters under their bed,
Or send them off to their
First day of school.
I can't see them at their last day.
I can't see them at their wedding.
Or hold their children.
Or bicker over wine with them.
No, those tiny little cells
Were mine. And my future.
And I took it away.
Now I'm **** sobbing,
Wishing of what could be.

Abortion makes me cry.
That was US.
Sitting in our mothers,
A little miracle waiting to happen.
And then we did happen.
We grew and grew and our mothers
Held us and sang to us
And talked to us
And thought of us 24/7.
Then there we were, in her arms,
In our fathers,
In our adoptive parents.
But whoever it was,
They looked at us and cried,
Smiling at the future
And the present and everything to
Possibly come.
We were HERE.
In this wonderful,
Beautiful world.

But we lost many.
We watched them
Get ****** out,
Get thrown away.
We felt them die.
We felt the fear,
And the pain.
The burning pain.
And all we could think of
Was 'one of us is gone.'
We didn't know
We were alive
Because of spite
And anger.
We only knew our mothers
Whistle
And voice and laugh
And walk.
We knew nothing of
How or why,
Just that it was.
But we were gone anyways.

I am afraid
I am the reason
People have problems
With trust and love--
But baby
Promise me
I can't scare you away
Cause I need to drink your words in
I need to feel you
Need me

I am trapped In a three wall
         Cage
I can taste all that stupid
         Self hate
It's a bitter taste makes me
Pucker my lips
And all the people kiss them
As they pucker and smack
And there is no turning back
My family is a hollowed shell
Nobody to save me
I'm stuck in my hell
He satisfies my nights
But doesn't even
Kiss me as he says goodbye.

I have found a way
To hurt myself
Without making
One slice of skin
With a pretty razor.
Instead I say no to
Lunch and breakfast.
The pain in my stomach
Is almost comforting now.
I go home
Have a snack
And eat a small dinner
And I love that hunger
That physical want towards life
It sobers me a little,
Makes me lose a little,
Makes me seem real.
But nowadays
Nothing seems as real as
My growling stomach.

Her fingers pressing against
My hips
Pushing searching
Sweet taste in my mouth
Tongues playing
A game they know all too well
Shirt shoes jeans all off
Just me and her
Our skin hot and our breath
Ragged
But we drink each other in
And smile at our nakedness
The beauty of it all
Still amazes me
And I am in awe
As my fingertips dance across her
Naked shoulder
And waist
To pull her neck close
For a sensual kiss

I control who even steps into that car.
Where she goes. What she does.
I control that.
Well,
I could.
I have that power.
So just be ******* thankful I'm letting her
Give you a ride home.
Don't ******* whine about having to go
My locker first,
Or her wanting to walk me out to my bus.
That's her job.
She is my GIRLFRIEND.
And you're supposed to be my best friend.
All you ever want to do is drink
Or smoke
Or sneak out
Or have *** (with a guy)
Spending the night at my house
Doing nothing but watching tv
Eating our faces out
And talking till 3am
Doesn't suffice anymore.
And I can't figure out why.
I've been there, I've done the whole party scene.
I've gone out,
Got drunk as ****,
Faded as hell,
Had *** for three hours.
Done every bad thing without it being too bad.
It's fun, for awhile.
I just don't see the pull anymore.
And all you see now,
IS that pull.
That's all ÿöü want to do.
You even drink alone.
You're only 16
For chrissakes,
Slow down.
See your youth.
See your potential.
Little miss
"I might have chlamydia/be preg"
Get your head on right.

I HAVE TO WORK
SO *******
HARD
TO GET A GUY TO LIKE ME
AND THEN
SHE SWOOPS IN
******* AND ALL
AND TAKES HIM
UGH MOTHER*******

Your arm is draped around me.
Your soft snores. Your head is on my shoulder.
You are starting to sweat because you sweat in your sleep.
All you have on is a t shirt and socks.
No boxers.
Its 8:35 am and my world has never been as perfect as this. Sunlight creeps through my window.
You're 6'4 and roughly 215 lbs,
But all I see is a sweet little boy.
Your gauges are 5/8" and black.
You wear vans, black craft cult, and zumiez only.
You have thick brows over green eyes.
Dark hair.

I love your hands, long slender fingers that seem to be twice my size.

I love your legs, long ropey and strong. And hairy.

I love your lips and the way they pucker out when you're asleep and I love ever single one of your teeth.

I love your morning breath and the way you wake up.

I love your choppy, ragged breaths when you're inside me.

I love your nervousness, even though I hate it.

I love you.

He says he doesn't understand why I read all the time to escape. Says when the book ends, the fairy tale dream you're living in while reading ends.
doesn't he get it?
When I'm reading its one less minute, one less hour of wanting to **** myself.

Jealousy sweeps over me
With each and every night
They stay at each others houses
And they like each other a lot.
I see them smiling
And making new memories.
"he is nothing"
She says. Well that
Nothing was my first love.
He was all I wanted an more.
He isn't a *******.
He is more real than you
Could ever know.

Stuff your sadness 
Down your throat 
Along with some ***** 
And those pills your friend gave you 
Pull up that smile 
And spread your legs 
Because if you don't 
Then "you're not acting like yourself"
Catch up 
Catch up 
Life was on pause for 
Almost a year and a half 
Get over it 
Get over her 
And get under him

I lay here in bed
With wet hair
And a book in my hand
And it hits me..
What I have traded her for.
I've traded her cuddles
For a cold bed.
Her kisses for a
Drunken strangers.
Her love for
A boy who won't remember my name
In the morning.
I've traded her comfort
For nobody to hold me
Her sweet caresses
For a heavy body on top of me
All because
'I want to be free'
But I want to go back in
That cage
With her and scream **** the  world
And be with her and be with her
And be with her and be with her
And be with her and be with her
And be with her and be with her.

You could do
Whatever you wanted to me.
And I'd still come back.

Earbuds in and
Let the blood out
Let the crazy drip
In scarlet droplets
Down my hip

I smash my fist into her
Bleached teeth mouth
And feel a satisfying crack
As blood falls from her lips.
I can feel her perfectly manicured
Fingers dig into my long blond hair,
Trying to get a hold of me.
I push her against lockers
And I break her
Fake little face
And push out the words
She called me through my
Balled fists.
I hear my voice screaming
But I don't know what it's saying
All I know is she got her lesson,
And I'm happy to be suspended.

I will remember myself
At the bottom
Of a bottle
And at the mouth
Of a pipe.

My heart grows restless for him
missing his caress
and false saccharine words
singing his song was a melancholy old tune
I had known oh so well
Kisses I had felt
still pressed to my lips
Hands had held me
still comfort me in their ghosts
Nothing left to deny
Warm brown eyes
never to look at me again
Blond hair
never for my touch again
restless I feel,
missing him and his old hurt
stuck in my dreams of him
and his smile
I'm restless,
Addiction doesn't go away somehow

How do I protect you from all the men?
The men that will stare at you until your skin itches,
The ones I will unknowingly introduce you to,
The ones that take advantage of your innocence
Until you are stripped of it.
My beautiful baby daughter,
I want you to stay this small
Where you don’t know you are a woman at all.

I feel my life
Moving on without me
Because I'm stuck in the past
In stuck on the way she kissed me
I'm stuck on the way he held me

Im stuck in the way she left me
Im stuck in the way he criticized me

Help me I'm so stuck
I'm drowning in my emotions
And Khayllia is my sinking lifeboat

Me: yeah, it's be fun while it lasted.
him: fun? It would be unforgettable.

He sits there with
A bitter half empty bottle
Pressed loosely to his lips
His phone feels strange in his hands
And all the bravado is washed away
Truth after truth
He spills to me
I never knew one could have
So much self hate
Why do I always fall for
The ones I want to save

Don't you remember
Me saying it
Isn't fun anymore?
But I see your boyish body
And sleepy face
And ***** and your
Nose is sniffling
And maybe bleeding,
Desperately snorting
Up any pill won't help.
And I recognize
My self hate
For saying no
When you wanted me to say yes
I could've saved you from all this
And given you a better life
But now you don't care
As long as you have a place to sleep
And you know where to get your fix.
I regret running to her
And into her safety
And her sturdy,
When I should've
Been helping you walk
But now you crawl
And I am so sorry
I wanted a better future for you
But I couldn't
I need her
To love me and
I need to love her
And we do but it's just----
You.
I love you.
I want to save you.
I really do.

I'm an unfinished
Sentence with horrid spelling
And strange punctuation
But if you read me
You feel the emotion
Puslsing out between the letters

Perfection found its way
Into her eyes and eyelashes
Her hair and her eyebrows
The curve of her lips when we kiss
It found its way
Into her flawless smooth tan skin
And into her hand
When she squeezes mine

Baby I know
I'm a sad existence
I'm a sip of cold coffee
At 9am
I'm the coupons
Stuffed in your purse
For 10% off at the hardware store
Down the block where you grew up

****** I know
That I'm a mediocre drawing
On computer paper
Made by some freshman
Who thinks they're good
At everything
I'm a car that leaks oil
And I'm a blanket
That isn't quite warm enough

And you cry
And cry
And lay there
After
Suddenly you feel nauseated
And sick
You want to run to the bathroom
And heave and heave
But you realize you only feel this way
Because you miss her.

I woke up today and I knew.
There was no way I'd make it through
My school day.
So I throw up my anxiety
And my mother thinks I'm
Truly sick.
I cry myself to sleep
And wake up
Numb

I hold in all my emotions during the day. When I sleep... I grind my teeth. I wake myself up by scratching long lines across my arms till it hurts.
*God, I'm ****** up.