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I wonder if you’d want to know
I named all of my demons after you and
they haunt me in my sleep

when I was 14 I fell asleep in April and dreamed of bones and
I’m not sure I’ve really ever woken up since

when I lost 5 pounds I never saw a difference

when I lost 10 my mother said I was looking good

when I lost 20 she told me to stop and handed me food
and I became anemic

when I lost 25 I stopped drinking anything because
I felt water had calories

when I lost 30 my mother held me on her lap
and held my bones together for me

when I lost 35 I started fainting every morning and
the doctors could no longer easily find my blood pressure

when I lost 40 people started to stare and food made me cry

when I lost 45 it hurt to walk and to lay down
it hurt to eat
it hurt to breathe and
I started throwing up my empty stomach

the mind plays tricks on those that decide
nourishment is not needed

Eat.
 Apr 2014 Katlyn Orthman
i
she was acting like summer
and walking like winter.
she was cold blooded and alone,
another lonely broken heart.
her hopes and dreams were crashed
and reasons to live vanished.
crystal eyes, long brown hair,
lovely smile and pure soul,
that's the girl that went through it all.
through all the battles that came into her life,
through all the tears that made her die inside,
through everything that step in the way,
she went through it all.
and is it the last battle for her now,
to jump and die or run away and cry.
go darling,
cry it all out,
just don't spent the night in the dark cold forest,
which shall birds fly over your head
and take a look at your lonely heart.
in there you're just a soul,
another misguided ghost,
walking on ****** leaves.
maybe if I close both eyes and pray it'll go away, because if I refuse to see it how can it stay?
 Apr 2014 Katlyn Orthman
Lily
A cut on a lonely day
a cut to feel okay..

A cut to not feel sad,
a cut to not forget..

A cut to not break down,
a cut to let it out..

A cut to feel strong,
a cut and I'm almost gone...
Between the two stood the one
At the place of the skull upon a hill
And the shadow it cast down over man
Across the earth lingers still

Blood stained and spike pierced beams
Held the teacher till he died
Looking up some only laughed
Others bowed their head and cried

On the tree this precious son
Who some by choice never knew
Prayed"Father please forgive them,
For they know not what they do"

Messiah sacrificed on those rugged beams
In three days to rise again
The way the life the truth
An atonement for our sin

When the meaning of the tree is told
My ears attend and receive
I can scarce conceive the cost
And it's meaning to you and me

Behind my eyes I hold these thoughts
Concerning the tree to which Jesus went
The lonely tree of Golgothas Hill
Where hung the saviour from heaven sent

Our sins destroyed life now given
By the blood of one who was only good
He hung in my place where I should have hung
Upon a cross made of wood
 Apr 2014 Katlyn Orthman
r
Solitude found a friend in me
Winter stole the rest
Wondering where my heart might be
While soul is sinking west

A paler shade of night comes 'round
Moon forgets to rise
An empty lamp of light surrounds
A view of starless skies

With eyes shut wide to lonesome light
Dreams escape my thoughts
Silence awakens fear of flight
A journey all for nought.

r ~ 4/16/14
\•/\
   |
  / \
 Apr 2014 Katlyn Orthman
r
Swim
 Apr 2014 Katlyn Orthman
r
Somedays, the tide only laughs
at the sandbags we put up.
When the ocean of emotion
breaks with waves above our hearts,
we swim or drown.

The swell of current overrides
and riptides pull us down.
Move parallel to shore against the tide
till firmer ground is found.
Swim.

r ~ 4/6/14
Sometimes wonder if I have synesthesia
Or something like it
Cause for me I associate colors and animals with people
Cause I see time as a map in my head of memories and images of greenery and snow and memories of my life instead of seasons so that I can cycle through the hours of a day in class periods on weekdays viewed as memories of the class, and walk through the past which takes a sharp left at the year 2000 and from there on the flatness of the millenial years drops off into a sloping textbook
Cause sounds and words have textures on my tongue, notes tickling my taste buds as they spill out
Cause I can taste electricity which has a surprisingly dead flavor
Cause I can describe colors with texture and it makes perfect sense to me even though my friends say it cannot be done
Because if I don't, I don't know what the hell to call this
4.5.14

7.3.15
finally got around to correcting the spelling of synesthesia. I know now I have spatial-sequence and number form synesthesia for sure. Very cool.
I fear love
as much as I
fear pain
This poem responds to why I'm not ready for love.. It's because I fear it. And most people would believe that love is something you should embrace and I know I will when time has come.. But until then, love will be my deepest fear..
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