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Nov 2020 · 96
The Fear of Fear
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2020
There is a fear
softly lingering in the dark
waiting patiently
for your acceptance
Oct 2020 · 196
Misfit Mania
Katlyn Orthman Oct 2020
I put up curtains
So the sun couldn’t seep in
To hide the fact
That my pain was slowly leakin
Bleeding out
Felt like I had nothin to believe in
Opened up
And got kicked in the teeth when
I only had love
But soon jealousy would sneak in
We tried to front
But our hearts were only seekin
Custody of love in its entirety
And not just on the weekends  

And though we had it
It was laced with irony
Because love will slowly morph
Into a monster that tries to swallow me
And it’s not under the bed
Like they say in the movies
This **** lives in my head
And tries to control me
Like a puppet to its master
I feel strings at my throat
Because my emotions are always faster
Than I can cut the ropes

I’m a hopeless romantic too
In this wicked wild game
Which makes it hard for me to part ways with you
Because I feel this overwhelming shame

Because I’m mostly hopeless
When it comes to love affairs
Let the romantic slip my grip
When I feel like you don’t care

All I want is to know you love me
And to always prove I love you too
Because if you’re my reckless decision
I’ll always continue to choose you

Like a drug
You’re my strange addiction
I’m in constant need of you
A prisoner to loves conviction
Too blind to see the truth
That I’m not that wise
I’m infected by my youth
But I have to survive
And what else can I do?
But fight to stay high
And keep acting aloof

Here’s the proof

I once said ignorance is bliss
Until I learned the hardest lesson
That There’s love in every kiss
You can save the vague confessions
And there it is again
It’s slowly creepin in
The jealousy that takes my words
And slides out from my pen

I suppose thats my fatal flaw
Which adds development to the character
So I should be real evolved
Because I’m full of flaws and failure

Yet I try to give my all
In everything I do
But I always hit a wall
Wandering Far into the blue  
Lost Looking at the stars
To tell me what to do

It’s the only place that ever feels  like home
I Can look up at the sky at night
And not feel so alone
So i wonder if the constellations
Can give me a consolidation
On the humiliation,
of my constant reconciliation
With my own temptation
Think I love living in damnation

I’m never patient

Remember I said emotions rule my world
twisting and turning my thoughts
Watch them twirl
Might give em a whirl
While they swirl
Out of my brain
In the form of rambling words
Maniac is the strain
Roll it up and lick the wrap
Spark it up and smoke that

Expand and deflate
My lungs are irate
Might choke up on the sentiment
And start to suffocate
Cause thoughts can be killers
They’ll cut the brakes too
When your mind is going 100
And there’s nothing you can do
Heading straight into traffic
Your heart will start to race
And you quickly start to panic
Now it’s terror on your face

Hear the glass around you shatter
Feel it digging deep within
Now the thoughts that never mattered
Are carved into your skin

Tear drops turn to Whiskey
They fall so fast these days
Please tell me that you miss me
To help and ease the pain
Jun 2020 · 463
Fireflies and Sunrise
Katlyn Orthman Jun 2020
Dew drops in the dawn
Cricket choirs overhead
The stars so neatly drawn
Above an earthly kind of bed

The birds will sing softly
As they dip and soar, alive!
Hearts beating like soft wings
Waiting for the sun to arrive

Blinking lights below sunrise
Take breath away, so honestly
I’d never seen fireflies  
Until you pointed them out to me
Blanketed by the tickling fog
Excited by the breeze
Surrounded by the comfort
Of the sweet tranquility of trees

Head back in awe
Gazing at the vast sky
Eyes wide with laughter
Who knows what comes
In twilights after
When you’re not afraid to die

To learn to live in the moments
That are bright like imagery
To hang off every word transpired
By brown eyed chivalry

For once to be distracted
To truly be at peace
I allow myself to be surrounded
By the safety of your trees
Jun 2020 · 257
Butterfly Wings
Katlyn Orthman Jun 2020
Inside inspection
Still spinning
From last nights rejection

Illness perching
Mental *******
Why am I still searching?

Charged stone
Casting spells
I build a spiritual home

Blank stare
Skin stripped
Are you still there?

Word twister
Speak tongues
Static on the radio transmitter

Internal violence
Ears bleeding
Mind quiet
Jun 2020 · 165
Sunset Eyes
Katlyn Orthman Jun 2020
I learned to adore you
In all the best ways
The way the sunset in your eyes
Nights spent cherishing your body
Turns into day

Your soul was damaged just like mine
Full of bruises black and blue
Scratched all on the surface
Like a record that sings the blues

I always claimed to be so alone
Eyes made of thunder clouds
But In your presence I was home

Hands pressed against the stained glass
It’s hard to see your face
and I miss that place

Now the streets feel lonely
And rainstorms make me cry
And I don’t see sunsets in the dusk sky
And I hate
You cry
Mar 2020 · 181
Giants of the Universe
Katlyn Orthman Mar 2020
It's like a dark cloud weighing on my conscience
What a cliche thing to say in a world full of dark clouds

For all my transgressions, I beg forgiveness from the eye that sees all.
For when I am called upon by the looker
To be judged for all my doings
I will be forced to look through the face of judgement
And recognize that the truth is sanctioned in the balance of the universe
And the balance is scaled politely on the shoulders of giants
That scoure the Earth in search of gold hearts and diamond tear drops
Leaving behind nothing more than bleak hopes and dreams casted out into the darkness of nothing.
Katlyn Orthman Mar 2020
Broken hearts and shattered dreams
All fray away with unraveled seams

Long for the day to be set free
In wanderlust out by the sea

Listen to the waves they crash and pull
Like musical tunes the sounds will lull

But lonely hearts travel alone
And nowhere ever feels like home

Not out by the vast blue sea
Or in the depths of ripe green trees

These places won't remember me
As lonely hearts are never seen

Not by the eyes of passing souls
Or by the eyes who make us whole

No, lonely hearts must pay a toll
Oh, where do the lonely hearts go?
Mar 2020 · 164
The Picture Never Lasts
Katlyn Orthman Mar 2020
Hold the camera still
Capture us this way
With smiles in the sunlight
Eternalize this day

Because when the sun begins to set
And the world returns to sleep
Those smiles melt away
And again I start to weep

Weep for the inevitable loss
Because those pictures never last
And I want to feel loved
Like I did once in the past

Perhaps I missed the sign
Perhaps I missed my chance
Just take this horrid picture
Where we're happy at a glance
Mar 2020 · 205
Caterpillar Dreams
Katlyn Orthman Mar 2020
Crouching in tendrils of bright green grass
Two caterpillars set out on a daunting task
Hearts filled with hope to taste the fruit
Which had rendered so many full and moot

They slugged their way out beneath the sun
And laughed and talked of all they'd done
Distracted they never saw the bird coming
It swooped down much too close and sent them running

Once they were sure the bird was lost
They argued their plan and what it could cost
They were both still afraid the bird would come back
And this time that bird would precisely attack

But they knew in their hearts that they came so far
They couldn't turn back on their wishing star
So they hauled for the tree which was just in sight
When the bird swooped in and with all it's might

Bit a chunk from both caterpillars **** end
And with a mighty resurrection of power would send
Both caterpillars catapulting to the tree
Where both could feast and drink fruit mead

In a drunken stupor honey glazed thoughts soar
The caterpillars lost in slumber would snore
And in their sleep their body's tore
To be rebuilt with fine allure

They stretched out their legs, wings unfolded as well
Both stared in awe at the beauty, love spell
They leapt in the air and tested their wings
And rose to the sky to cheerfully sing

Two soaring butterflies dancing with the wind
They looked at each other and victoriously grinned
They had beat the bird and ate all their fruit
And may never had if they left that route
Feb 2020 · 287
Feilds of Wildflowers
Katlyn Orthman Feb 2020
Feilds of Wildflowers
All blooming with her
Looming power

Full and lush with color
Not even rain clouds
Would dull her

They would only feed her flame
Which never seems
To tame

No she flickers like a star
So bright you'll
See afar

And if you follow in her direction
You'll be enveloped
In her protection

Because feilds of Wildflowers
Are lush and
Full of power
Feb 2020 · 160
What I Know Now
Katlyn Orthman Feb 2020
In the dead of night
I bend in a bow
Full of dread and lacking sight
I know now

People will whisper loudly
Through actions instead of words
Raising their eyes proudly
Their lies are always heard

Begging I will sprout again
Like spring blossoms, open eyes
Where this dark and dingy road will end
Will end in my surprise

I have graciously fought this war
Although my scars are thick and sore
Fighting to take a breath of air
My heart is sadly tore

These voices leak inside my head
Although I've closed the door
I can hear them even though I shed
They're always wanting more

I will pick back up where I had left off
I am stuck nevermore
And they will roll their eyes and scoff
But I will have the score

In the dead of night
I bend in a bow
I've been given sight
To know what I know now
Nov 2019 · 83
Sleep Tight
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2019
I feel like I lost myself.
Somewhere in the middle of trying to please everyone around me.
I forgot about me, and I twisted myself into the shape of a noose that I now feel closing tighter around my neck.
Squeezing until my throat pushes back for space, frantically looking around for someone to help me breathe again.

I feel like I gave up.
Somewhere in the middle of trying so hard, my integrity diminished.
Until I was no longer capable of believing I could achieve anything.
Plans would fall through, and I wouldn't stop it.

I feel like I replaced love with company. Somewhere in the middle of trying to belong.
I gave up my needs, and only focused on the fact that I wasn't absolutely alone.
Yet this whole time I'm searching inside myself, and I just feel void.
I'm lacking. Lacking so much.
And I have no one but myself to blame, and maybe just a little can be taken by the fact that this world is not fair.

I am a just person.
I hate to fight.
I hate to see anyone upset.
But I am just a person.
I don't know how long I can keep up this fight.
I just want to close my eyes and be done.
Nov 2019 · 281
Loneliness Is My Disease
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2019
Are you acquainted with this feeling?
Of being so small
With trembling little hands
You wish you were tall

Tall enough to see the world
Large enough to be seen
Or are you stuck in this lonely plane
Where faces look so mean

Every word can crush you
Every look can drive you mad
You're stuck inside this circle
Of constantly feeling sad

Your tears no longer suit you
You try to fix your face
Do your thoughts attack you
As you try to find your place?

Are you running out of breath
Are you running out of space
Can you feel the blood pumping
As your heart picks up the pace

Will it always feel this daunting
Will we always be so alone
Insecurities are so haunting
I just want to go back home

Do you think this life is for me
Could it be my time to leave
Will I wander so far away
That I dissapear into the trees

Could it be that I am diagnosed
With Lonely Heart disease
So even if you hold me close
I run back to the trees

It seems it is my only home
The only place of peace
Please take me back inside
The safety of your leaves.
Nov 2019 · 125
Delectable Monster
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2019
Infinite skies
Could not hold the lies
Which spill from your tongue
Like Honeywise

I am not wise
I believe your lies
I am intertwined
In your demise
Nov 2019 · 151
As We Lay Here
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2019
Subtle breeze
Blowing trees
As we lay here
Eyes turned up

Broken hearts
Fall apart
As we lay here
Hands locked together

Energy electrifies
Breathing intensifies
As we lay here
Lips trace each other

Needing you
Needing me
As we lay here
One together

Moving bodies
Shattered hobbies
As we are here

Torment me
Torment you
As we lay here
No longer one

All alone
Next to me
You disappear
With the breeze
Into the trees
Oct 2019 · 194
Lonely People
Katlyn Orthman Oct 2019
Shadow friends dance at the edge of my vision
Somehow I convince myself that I'm with them
We smile and laugh but I'm still empty
Somehow I'm lonely when you're here with me

My rainbows fade into cloudy grey
I'm begging my shadow friends to stay
But night will fall and take you from me
And I will remeber that I am lonely

I'll walk in the dark, where I cannot see
And think up thoughts which swallow me
I'll bend until I break, like I'm made of glass
Good things placed in my hands do not last

My shadow friends are gone, and I'm all alone
My life is built up in this shadow home
Where I let tears fall, and I wallow in my pain
How I wonder what it feels like to be sane
Sep 2019 · 147
Autumn Trees
Katlyn Orthman Sep 2019
In the leaves of Autumn
I fall into reds and orange
Existing in moments passing by
And crouching at winters feet
I sway with the breeze
Until it rips away the last of me
And I lay in reds and orange
Of Autumn leaves
Left scattered at the feet of trees
Winter will dismember me
And summer won't remeber me
For I will decay, life is fleet
At the feet of trees
I once was leaves
But Autumns trees
Sway in the breeze
It pulls those leaves
To lay in dirt decay
At the feet of Autumn trees
Sep 2019 · 62
Just Below The Surface
Katlyn Orthman Sep 2019
I've been wandering alone
Inside my mind for a long time
Stuck in a loop
I jump through hoops
I set up my own demise
Through self built disguise
I hide

Longing for breakthrough
My eyes stare from below the surface
Fingertips pressed against the water
I haven't escaped

I watch birds fly
Through wide eyes
Floating in place
I am this space
For now
Sep 2019 · 565
String Lights Are Not Stars
Katlyn Orthman Sep 2019
String lights reflect in
Your eyes like stars
Emotions build inside
Yet I don't know who you are

My heart bleeds for you
Like fresh cuts across my skin
I would leave it all for you
But you are my sin

My words die at my tongue
Because your eyes swallow me
I am tongue tied
By your intensity

Wailing inside
Because I
Will never be

For you
Jul 2019 · 75
Kaleidoscope Mind
Katlyn Orthman Jul 2019
I am bouncing from one prison to the next
Because the true prison surrounds me in the form of flesh and anger
Red rivers crashing against the stones placed around my heart
Tear drops fall in reverse as my world is flipped upside down
Intoxicated lips spill secrets like wine glasses slipping through clumsy fingertips
Smoke filling lungs with tar like the pavement freshly laid across my wounds
Bleeding beneath the surface
Cracked smiles cut those brave enough to graze the edges
I dissapear, receding like the ocean before a great storm.
Dark clouds fill my lungs creeping up my face into my eyes, draining the energy that once lived in those emerald orbs
I release a sigh and my soul slips through my lips
Moments pass by as I live in the memories in my head
Playing like home movies that torture me
Waterfalls of emotion pulse from my skin
Taking over like blankets of fog
Covering you up and tucking you into my personal madness
Are you scared yet?
#sad #sadness #life #madness #emotion #raw #trip #thoughts #prisons #prison #agony #alive #feeling
Jul 2019 · 71
Feverish Poems
Katlyn Orthman Jul 2019
Shaky breaths, and
Weightless shoulders
Lift me higher into
A state of mind where
Lyrics bounce in my
Head, urging this craving
For tension to form
Between muscles and skin.
As I feverishly write
Out a thought that
Make sense in no
Mind, but mine.

Fingertips bleeding words
Unto lined paper
Mind an open area
For thoughts, color, shape,
Intertwining to become
Images playing behind
My eyelids.
A smile bleeds to ink
Traveling from the veins
Of my mind
Jul 2019 · 180
Behind Closed Eyes
Katlyn Orthman Jul 2019
Inside I fall into blackness
Eyes shut I breathe
Overwhelming suffering
Inside I seethe

I cannot escape my mind
It's a prison I build
Undeniable agony
The cup is over filled
It has spilled
Can I rewind?

Help me please
My eyes they bleed
From all the tears I cry
Feb 2019 · 273
Katlyn Orthman Feb 2019
Flashing Bright
Inside my mind
Filling me up inside
Filling my lungs to the top
Cutting out all my air supply
Slowly suffocating, will I die?
Images in my mind
Filling me up inside
Flashing Bright
Feb 2019 · 474
The Room
Katlyn Orthman Feb 2019
It took me a minute
It took me a minute to open up my mind
My hand was shaking
Trembling as it hovered
Right over that rusted, squeaking handle
When my fingertips brushed the cool metal it was rough and rugged
The doors paint chipping away
What used to be bright cherry oak
Was now crumbling
But I was not deterred
I ****** in a deep breath
Gripped that cool metal tightly and twisted
There was loud screech as the once sedentary **** broke back into action
As I pushed open the door
It was dusty and burned my eyes and filled my lungs with jmpurities
It was troubling to look past the fog it had created
Old debris and dirt particles danced and twirled in the air as it descended back down to the creaking floor boards
I recall how quiet it was in that room
Lacking windows and furniture
Lacking security and confidence
But I was determined
I slipped on my blue gloves
A snap against skin like a war cry
I was ready to begin
I started by dusting the corners, then the walls
I swept the floor with gusto and will
I envisioned that room spotless
I envisioned windows filing that room with sunlight
I envisioned music playing soft tunes that pulled your body into rhythmic motion
I envisioned that room filled with people that I love
I envisioned us smiling, laughing
Pure moments of humanity shining in and brushing my skin with its warmth
Once the festivities come to end
I envisioned that room bright with the moonlights company
Until morning when sun rises and fills the room once again
This room represents my mind, and the much needed cleaning it needs of all the negativity that I've allowed to clutter it.
Jan 2019 · 543
Lonely Bird's Forest
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2019
The humming rush of water
Is hypnotizing me
The songs of lonely birds
All perched on separate trees

The soft rattling
The brush of vibrant leaves
All pull a string that's deeply
Planted in the roots of me

Chiming along
I am a lonely bird
Perched upon a tree
Where no one sees

Crying out
I sing with the clouds
Wings lifted
Ready to flee

Tentatively brush dark leaves
With muster I push on to see
Where this overgrown path
will lead

Lungs filled
On the fresh

So drawn I push forward
What do I see
But a small part
Of what appears to be me

I step forward
One more time
I am longing
To see

Where this

Do I continue
Will I succeed
Do I push forward
Do I proceed

Am I lost inside
This lonely forest
Do I hide
Where no one sees

Do I wait alone
Where the silence lulls me
to hypnotic tones

Of lonely birds shown
perched upon a tree
Nov 2018 · 117
Life Sucks Right Now
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2018
Every moment we spend living and experiencing, shapes and develops us. The moment you fall in love
The moment your heart breaks
The test you fail
The test you ace
We are all the bookkeepers of our own lives
Looking for the balance to keep us standing upright
Of course this scale may tip to one side or the other from time to time, But as always balance can be achieved
Hope love kind kindness balance life live living alive together
Nov 2018 · 262
A Ghost is A Wish
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2018
I wish you guys loved me enough to be here for me.
I'm sorry that I'm not enough for you. I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted.
I'm sorry that I'm not worth a family. I'm sorry that I'm useless and worthless.
I'm sorry that I cant make you guys happy.
I want nothing more than to go back in time and live forever in the moments where I felt like we were all a family.
Because now the only thing i want to do is disappear and stop existing so I dont have to feel so alone.
I want to stop pretending that I'm ok, I want to stop pretending that I dont feel empty and dead on the inside.
I want to stop pretending like I dont feel abandoned and left in the dust.
I want to stop loving you guys because it only tears me into pieces everytime I try and I'm left with nothing but stifiling anxiety that I no longer matter to you guys.
I dont know you guys anymore. And no one cares. That's the part the really kills me. That I sit here and cry until my head feels like exploding because everyone leaves me.
Everyone replaces me. I'm always number 2 and I just want to feel normal. But I cant. Because these ghost haunt me.
In my dreams, in my life, in my love, in my hate.
These ghost have taken every inch of me.
Suffocating me.
Frozen fingers splayed across my neck, they choke me.
Until I cant speak.
Until I'm silenced by the viciousness of which it steals my light.
It brings me to the other side and pulls my hair, punches me, stabs me.
Until I bleed.
But only for a minute and then I wake up, drenched in sweat.
Promising myself that I will never feel again.
I wish so intensely that my bones quiver.
I wish so much that my luck is gone. Just wishing that I could be apart of you again.
That I could come from somewhere. But I was born alone.
Born to ghost that dance at night. Unseen but heard as chilling noises in the night.
Untouched but felt as cold breath across your back.
I was born to ghosts and secrets that cage me.
A ghost is a wish.
And I wish I could exist.
Aug 2018 · 276
The Beginning of The End
Katlyn Orthman Aug 2018
Beginnings and endings
Marked by unique tombstones
Each a fingerprint
Of great creators
Jun 2018 · 158
Behind The Curtain
Katlyn Orthman Jun 2018
I battle
My voice is weak
While SHE has been loud

Talking constantly
To bring me down
Speaking in tongues
That bring black clouds

My heart has beat
With bullet holes
Gushing inklings
Of doubt

Into my body
It took over me
Stole who I was
supposed to be

Took years off my life
In the form of
Smoke and knives

And now I talk back
At the one who
Brings me down

Now I scream back
Her voice
I drown

I'm me again
No one else is

I'm free again
These feet on
Solid ground
Jun 2018 · 201
A Talk Between Us
Katlyn Orthman Jun 2018
I'm sorry
For all the hate
All the anger
The confusion

I'm lost
Not very sure
Trying to keep up

Something new
Is around every corner
Sometimes sweet

It tests me
Test my love
My faith in myself

Its shaking me
Stirring me

But I still love
I forgive
I'll try again

So should you
I believe
I care

You can do it
The dream
Lives in our veins
Jun 2018 · 708
I am Kind and Not Afraid
Katlyn Orthman Jun 2018
When I awakened
There was nothing left
Not soul on Earth
Not a single breath

I looked outside
With dread and sorrow
At the empty streets
There is no tomorrow

My fingers shook
With fear and pain
To see my brothers,
Broken and slain

I am the survivor
The guilt came fast
How could I have lived
When all have passed?

I sank to my knees
My head back in despair
I folded my hands
And sent out a prayer

Please take me too
The guilt is too much
Without friends or family
Who're warm to the touch

An angel appeared
A bright swirling light
With a voice that said
"Please live and fight

Although the day seems dim
There is still hope to bear
For you're not the only one
Who wanders in despair

There is one more
Shes kind and not afraid
She will bring a light inside
That's just as bright as day"

I dared to rest my eyes
On the swirling mass of light
In its reflection
It was me ready to fight

I am kind and not afraid
I am as bright as the light of day
I am strong and I will fight
With all my heart and all my might
Apr 2018 · 211
Goodnight, Goodbye
Katlyn Orthman Apr 2018
I am torn
Inside my head
Where thoughts are worn
And turned to shreds

This sunken heart
Inside my chest
Is torn apart
And laid to rest

Whispers call me
In depths untouched
Speaking calmly
In foreign tongues

I'm losing sight
I'm falling down
The light is bright
From on the ground

Goodnight I say softly
Goodbye I suppose
These sad atrocities
That I have chose

Have tucked me in
And closed my eyes
Where night begins
And I have died
Oct 2017 · 412
The Door
Katlyn Orthman Oct 2017
There is a door in my mind
I don’t know who or what is behind
It’s dark and cracked open in spots
And through those holes it bleeds
Just like me
Sep 2017 · 543
Katlyn Orthman Sep 2017
There's no silver linings
No light at the end of the road
And I've been searching
...all on my own

The trees are losing thier leaves
Much like I am losing my hair
And the grass is growing it's weeds
And I'm seeing things that aren't there

Its these chemicals balanaced in my mind
That prompts me to find
Such sad little beings
Who love and live
As thoughts in my mind

I'm seeing faces in the shadows
Love in darkness
And happiness with the smoke in my lungs

And I'm done

So done with this constant ache
This soreness in my head
This brutal awakening
That I am dead

Not physically so because I still breathe
But inside of me, I bleed

I look in the mirror
And hate what I see
"Well change yourself!"
But that isn't me

And now I'm slumped on the couch
Listening to slow songs
Watching the room spin
Out of control

Wishing these thoughts weren't there
Aug 2017 · 417
Ordinary World
Katlyn Orthman Aug 2017
We open our eyes
Estranged and confused to the world around us
We lay bare and vulnerable
Wide eyed and easily frightened

Time elapsed
We're kicked and pushed
Loved and hated
Given hope
It's torn away

We still fight
Told of a light
That can bring us peace
Bring us deliverance
From the pain

We smile although at night we cry
That familiar sting in your eyes and nose
That tug at your heart
Which pulls you apart

We create bonds
Give our souls to one another
As we continue to fight
Our bodies sore
Our minds slightly broken

And then we close our eyes
Tiny lights dancing behind
Our eyelids
Slipping off like dew on a morning daisy

We begin again
Jul 2017 · 742
Ice Cold Bath Water
Katlyn Orthman Jul 2017
The drain dripped lazily, like rain water, into the icy bath  
Dark circles dress beneath my eyes like storm clouds
The bathroom is black, except for the light shinning in from under the door
I sit submerged in the cold water, skin numb from the biting temperature
Fully clothed
It's 10 am

I have spent all my sadness
Saturated myself in it
Now all is left is the dark, and the loneliness
Each prowling around my mind

I stare up at the ceiling
No light
Only vague shapes
Creating themselves out of shadows
And tricking my eyes
Soothing my conscience

My heart is racing
My fingers shaking
Both arms are strewn along the sides of the tub
But despite the solidness beneath them
I'm floating
It's 11 am

Time is slipping by
My teeth are chattering
My toes are gone
My lungs hurt
From breathing

My eyes hurt too
I only feel physical pain
I sink lower into the coolness
My chin hit the surface
Then my nose
My eyes
I'm covered

I open my eyes against my bodies better judgement
It hurts them
But they already hurt
I already hurt
I open my mouth
Water breaks in
I scream
They drown
It's 12 pm

My hair drips into the bath water
I'm shaking
My throat hurts
My arms hurt
Still no tears
Where did they go?
It's 1 pm

The waters red
It's finally warm again
But my body is cold
My eyes stare at the ceiling
My lips are turning blue
It's ...
Aug 2016 · 873
Shades of Madness
Katlyn Orthman Aug 2016
Feel Nothing
Inside My Heart

Deceives Me

Breaking Me
So Easy I Bend

Leaving Me
Right Back At The Start
Of It All

This Madness I Hide

It's Swirling


Crying Inside

Save Me


Aug 2016 · 1.1k
Horrible Miracles
Katlyn Orthman Aug 2016
I used to believe we were miracles
A gift of the stars above
Yet now my heart grows weary
As I feel the absence of love

The beauty which used to replenish us
The passion which used to revive
Is drowning beneath the anger and lies
I wonder, will it survive?

Such horrible miracles we've become
So deranged and mangled by greed
Is love a shimmer of light in the dark
To which our souls long to lead?

Peace so shriveled and distant
A memory I look upon fondly
A smile so timid, and longing
Whishing that maybe it'd find me
Jul 2016 · 783
In The Silence
Katlyn Orthman Jul 2016
In silence I only hear my thoughts
The overcrowding of voices in my brain
The overwhelming rush of blood in my veins

I breathe deep

In silence I only hear your voice
Echoing in my head
The overcrowding feelings
Coat my heart in cement

And in the darkness I only see your memory
A faint light tethered to my heart
Beating in accordance to yours
Which used to beat alongside mine

And we were dreamers in the night
With wide ambitions and future sight
And now we're silent screamers
We're locked away

With so many opinions
and so much to say
yet my mouth is sewed shut
By the voices that play on repeat inside my head
they play and play and play and...

In the silence all I hear is you

In the silence which has become so loud
I feel lost inside this imaginary crowd
Apr 2016 · 533
Indigo Dreams
Katlyn Orthman Apr 2016
The flowers were tinged in red
The all mighty has fallen again
A dark ring has fallen around the sun
It grows bigger as each day is done

Shadows linger where we used to be
Our dreams casted out into the sea
And the indigo moon is hoisted up high
As it watches the light in our eyes die

As it watches the leaves fall from trees
A place our hopes used to be
In the branches of the old kings and queens
And the Earth opens up wide to swallow me

My lungs fill with dirt decay
In this soil belly where I lay
I feel the soil sink between my feet
In a place where light and dark will always meet
A  sullen smile as raindrops fall in reverse
And I forget all that I have rehearsed
The role I play has gone off script
Somewhere down the road I had tripped
And now my heart beats but it skips

Hopscotch heartbeats and sunken in eyes
Why did the sun and moon die?
Where are the stars that once shined so bright?
The emptiness is just not right

And now I sleep beneath indigo skies
My eyes shut tight
And now I have indigo dreams
They're full of tangled webs and screams
Apr 2016 · 1.1k
Growing Up Too Fast
Katlyn Orthman Apr 2016
Sad faced youth
With dreary eyes
And weighted shoulders

Tear stained youth
With a sullen heart
And a million thoughts

Fast paced life
With too many choices
Which is right?
I may never know

****** up night
Her parents are shouting
Echoes linger
Down the hall

Open bottle
The cap is lost and she is chugging
Add some pills
To numb the pain

Open wounds
The pain is crawling
Inside her skin
Because she's insane

Broken heart
Midnight is calling
With sad tales
Of the one with no name

Where does this road go?
She's lost the map again
No one knows
She's lost her name

Open casket
The rain is falling
Blurred out lines
And memories

She was young
And her heart was hurting
From all the thoughts
They Caused her pain
Mar 2016 · 1.1k
Remarkable Love
Katlyn Orthman Mar 2016
Remarkable love
The word in which I choose to describe love

Tangible love
The way you feel it graze your skin
And stare into the depths of eyes
That share such a vigorating feeling

Undaunting love
Love has brought me through the dirt
Yet raised me from the ground and kissed my wounds
The beauty is regal and untamed
A vicious foe yet filled with an undying loyalty
It is uncapturable, as fluctuating as the erratic beat of my heart

Formidable love
Love knows me yet I am a stranger
Staring wide eyed at the looming colossal figure
The beast that calms me
The only one that tames my fiery heart  
Until my flame is a soft flicker against the moonlight

Desirable love
Until fingers graze skin
And lips tremble in the proximity
Chests press a hard thud against familiar flesh
And pulses raise

Remarkable love
Feb 2016 · 737
Play Pretend
Katlyn Orthman Feb 2016
My lung expand
Slowly they deflate
I'm breathing in
Just a bit too late

My heart contracts
It beats inside
My lips are raw
From the pain I hide

Biting at them
I chew to think
My nails were perfect
And now they shrink

These thoughts are constant
They never end
I wear a mask
And play pretend

My stomach is empty
I hate to eat
I loathe the feeling
It's too complete

And I am broken
A jagged mess
After all these feelings
You confessed

I'm slowly gathering
My parts again
To build my mask
And play pretend
Feb 2016 · 499
Poem of the Drunken
Katlyn Orthman Feb 2016
I can feel the tingle start at the tip of my tongue
I feel the burn in the pit of my stomach
The lightness washing over these heavy limbs
The weightless impossibility
The drunken bliss
A feeling I miss
With each shot I forget your face
Each drink of this liquid pain killer
Takes me a step away from the memories
That haunt me
Jan 2016 · 716
Here's to the last Hello
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2016
You started off as a beacon
A shred of light in the dark
You started off as a song
One with the perfect melody
One with lyrics that fit my skin
And a tune that stroked my heart

You started off as something new
Something gorgeous in my eyes
Something that became my only truth
And erdicated all the lies

You turned into a heated kiss
One that warmed the pieces of my heart
And transformed into my passion
One that could never be torn apart

And now these tears that lie soaking in my bed
Has left these traces of voices in my head
Ones that tell me I'll never be good enough
Ones that fill me with an evil sort of stuff

A voice so empty it leaves shivers in my spine
A voice so broken because you had never been truly mine
Jan 2016 · 736
Optic Chasms
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2016
I took a note of the serenity
The peaceful quake of silence
The candid chatter of simple thoughts
And those eyes

I fell head first into those romantic chasms
A regal beauty dwelled inside
Swimming in the complexity of those orbs
Always examining

Taken by the deep green mirrors
A perfect image of a rainy forest
They drizzled with a wisdom

So very beyond this human earth
Transcending into the deepest means of matter
Into something that takes form
But no meaning presented to such simple beings

An enigma in those eyes
Watching with such jagged edges
They cut like the smoothest blade
A bittersweet injury

One may fall captive
Beneathe the brush of those black lashes
To the tops of rosy cheeks

And the mischievous grin
Which up turns such wicked lips
Jan 2016 · 382
Home In Your Arms
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2016
Light shines in on our bodies as broken rays
Your warmth heats my frozen winter toes
It's these magical mornings I lay awake
That I finally feel like I am home
Jan 2016 · 1.0k
Breaking The Silence
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2016
Loneliness is a bitter monster
It sits on the edges of my heart
Pulling at the strings
The musical song echoes in the vacancy

My eyes belong to a lonely girl
Forlorn in her love and lost in her hopes
That maybe one day
Another heart would soothe that ache

Mourning over the sun fall
That bright, wide eye turns away too soon
And she is left empty
With the blind white eye of the dead moon

Tear stains tattoo her skin
And disapproval scars her heart
When will she be good enough
When will she be free

When will darkness stop taking over
When will the lightness win
When will heartache stop
Coming from the people I let in

When will my voice stop being crushed beneathe the sea?
When will the jokes stop pouring in and drowning me?
When will this life be over I'm tired of the fight
When will the dark surrender its sword up to the light?

Break the silence and hear this lonely voice
When did fear start taking over and become my only choice?
Jan 2016 · 1.1k
The Beast Mississippi
Katlyn Orthman Jan 2016
I will never tell you how I imagined my suicide in the shower
How I watched myself take the frozen metal rails
And lifted my one shaking leg over the bridge
And stared down at the ice cold, daunting gaze of the great Mississippi
How I closed my eyes and pictures your face
While the cold pierced my skin and my woes pierced my heart
I will never tell you the effort it took to slid my other leg over the railing and step into my coffin
Watching the river crash it's arms against the ice
I will never say how terror gripped my insides knowing that this beast would swallow me whole
Yet knowing I cannot swim gives me comfort
Once I fall the water will push me under, beneath its arms and into it's belly
I will never tell you how time froze as I fell  
My face casted towards the stars
The cold wind holding me suspended in air for a few granted moments as I whisper my goodbyes
Goodbye moon, my lips shake against the syllables
Goodbye love, my eyes damp with defeat
Goodbye fear, my heart thrumming in my chest
Sep 2015 · 580
Katlyn Orthman Sep 2015
Into the trees
Into the darkness of the trees
My pain, my tears they follow me
To slip away from the world
Slip away into the trees
Where the leaves will carry me
Into the darkness
Into the darkness of me
My heart, my chest is swollen
I chip away with this disease
Where death will carry me
Into the trees
Into the trees I'll never leave
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